Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Revenge is a Shit filled plastic bag served warm

The Lane
Like most small lanes in this overcrowded country that we live in, the lane outside the cottage can be used as a bit of a rat run. Generally traffic remains light, but what with the "help" of Sat Navs, which occasionally send large lorries to their doom to the dog leg corner right outside our cottage and business men cutting through  from the A55 on their way to the coastal towns, walking down the lane can be filled with potential danger.
Cwm Road (it's not bit enough to BE a road) up to the village
Last Thursday evening I was surprised by a dirty white 4 x 4 down the lane.I was walking the dogs and had Albert in tow, so effectively non of us had any place to go when it roared around the corner into view.
I pulled the dog leads tight and faced the car in the centre of the road forcing him to stop in a hurry and as Albert squeezed himself up through the hawthorn hedge into the safety of the sheep field, I motioned the driver to reverse up a bit so we could reach a field gateway so he could pass us safely.
Now I know I didn't look very happy,
and I know I made it clear that I thought he was going way too fast for the conditions, 
So feeling like a somewhat combative middle aged old fart I prepared for a bit of a battle
But the driver was not having any of it, he inched forward making me pull the dogs up right up into the hedge side and slid past me, flicking me the "Vs" as he did so.
Unfortunately this is not a rare occurrence, not in today's ill mannered driving world!

Yesterday afternoon, I spied the 4 x 4 again when I was out walking the dogs.
It was empty and parked on the road in a small lay by above the village. There was no sign of the driver or anyone else for that matter and on impulse, I reached into my pocket and jammed a rather full plastic bag full of dog shit on a grill by the windscreen wipers
A childish gesture certainly
A satisfying one..........oh yes.............................

Down the Lane
 I am doing a day shift today which is a bummer as the sun is burning brightly and I would have liked to strim the field, so I need to be off to sort the animals out , but before I go I will leave you with a photo of Sorrel's single chick, my one and only "baby" of 2012

 The chick looks like a hen to me, which is a wonderful bonus....and by tradition I asked a passing egg customer ( this time a couple of walkers) to name her. After some time thinking hard, the walkers suggested Celeste......
So....Celeste it is.......

58 comments:

  1. Oh well done you! And I hope that little bag of poo oozed its contents joyfully around whatever and whoever else it touched!

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  2. Shame the window wasn't open a bit. May I suggest you invest in a box of 'stink bombs'; they're a great standby in times of need!

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  3. Three cheers for The Phantom Poopman! Far more meaningful than a fixed penalty notice.

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  4. I approve of your little revenge, especially as it produced - as a side effect - another award winning post title.

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  5. The first post I ever read on your blog was very similar to this if I recall. I think a pickup had annoyed you by going too fast and you'd thrown a bag of dog poo into the back of it.
    The dogs come in very handy for having a pocket full on ammunition ready for when you need it!

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  6. Good for you. This is also my 'kind of revenge' I seem to find that drivers of 4x4's usually think they own the road. Big car, small brain!

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  7. mouse
    yes you are right, a couple of years ago I flung some shit in the back of a farm pick up truck that nearly caught me and the dogs crossing the zebra crossing in the village
    it must be one of my favourite methods of attack!

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  8. So pretty. The chick that is.

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  9. Use whatever you have at your disposal...dog poo sounds perfect ;)
    I have little tolerance for rude people, and tend to seek revenge, it's getting down on their level that they understand.
    My bad.
    ~Jo

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  10. Drivers like this make me so angry. What if you were pushing a pushchair. You can't stuff that into the hedge so easily.

    Bad driving manners are one of my soap box subjects - it definitely didn't used to be like this in rural areas. I blame the rubbish people see on the telly - we live in a "me first, stuff you" society

    Apparently, a couple of prawns placed under the seat works quite well - the revenge builds gradually.

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  11. You should keep a potato handy when you're out for walks. Very handy for stick up someone's exhaust pipe.

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  12. You should have put it on the car door handles John.

    Btw, is that road pronounced 'Cum' Road?

    How very appropriate if it is...

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  13. I may have to borrow that idea.

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  14. Trust you chris.... yes Cwm is pronounced "cum"
    it means valley

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  15. why is it that some people once behind the wheel of a car seem to lose all rational behaviour?

    We have a load of gas main replacement going on around us - holes everywhere. Now they even put up a priority for one direction signs - I have priority and continue into the narrow as another guy just launches in from the other end. I stop and wait for him to back up - he refuses. In the end I just backed back.

    He had his window wound down so here we go... "Why did you push in?" He yells. "I didn't it was my right of way, the signs say so". "What sign" he shouts. "You need a sign saying, beware blind driver then son"... I drove off quiet impressed with my put down!

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  16. With a title like that how could I not read your post today?

    Well, done!

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  17. OMG! I laughed out loud at this one - even read it to my husband who laughed out loud as well! You know what? I think you have an endless supply of ammo and the thought has occurred to me to never piss off a dog walker because, sure as shite, they'll have a heady supply of ammo as well!

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  18. Hooray and well done John! I wish I could wreak my revenge on the lorry and tourist coach drivers who park flagrantly and unnoticed by traffic wardens attendants outside my front door on double yellows. Sometimes wheels on the narrow pavement, and blocking light from my windows and almost trapping us inside the house. Aaargh - though I couldn't reach their windscreens anyway!

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  19. We make jellies, jams and wine...very good.

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  20. I could have sent over a load that you could have covered that 4x4 ! LOL Celeste is a nice name for Sorrel's offspring.

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  21. I am not a person who believes in revenge, but this one smells so sweet.

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  22. I'd have opened the bag and spread the contents over the wipers... and then prayed for rain.

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  23. I have always thought those little bags of poo would be great if someone tried to mug me. As Monty is so large, they are always bursting to the seams! I hate it that people are so rude and unthoughtful. Well done for the revenge. Lily. xxx

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  24. Yup! A King Edward shoved up the exhaust can only be bettered by putting a crimp in the exhaust pipe about a foot in.....you need to cleverly modify a set of bolt croppers for that though....allegedly....... ;-)

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  25. Don't be using those revenge tactics in work !

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  26. I LOVE IT! I am SO glad I am not the only "adult" who finds some impulsive revenge SO worth it. And judging from the comments above, apparently we are not the only TWO who feel it's worth it, also.YAY for dog poop!

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  27. What I find astonishing John, is that you had the bag...
    IN YOUR POCKET!

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  28. You didn't! Good job.

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  29. Hahahhaahhahahahahaa! Yep, A holes like that deserve a little light (adn stinky) revenge when an opportunity presents itself such as that.

    What happened to Knight's of the Road! A hole.

    Celeste... nice.

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  30. So I see turning 50 is bringing the best out in you, John...would love to be in the thickets watching the driver return to the car...LOL

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  31. Oh my, you got a giggle out of my this morning. I'm sure that jerk is off at a pub holding forth about the small-minded Welsh villagers 'round here. Some people never learn...good thing you've got plenty more where that came from.

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  32. Your little baby chick is all growed up! Good idea to press a passer-by into naming her for you. Hope you and Celeste have many happy years together.

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  33. I heartily approve!
    The only thing that might have been even a tiny bit better would have been to carefully open the bag and smear some of the poo on the driver's side door handle!

    What an ass. (the driver, not you)

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  34. I would have done the same or worse if the 4x4 window was open! Imagine it!

    The driving public is ill mannered indeed, worldwide my dear man.

    Welcome Celeste!!! xoxo

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  35. About thirty years ago I was walking six of our eight Basset Hounds and was nearly run over by a speeding car. I followed his direction of travel and found the car parked in a business lot with the window cracked open. Bassets leave very large deposits and the four bags I had on my person fit very well through the opening and all landed with a satisfying plop onto the driver’s seat. The temp that day was very warm.

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  36. I'm still grinning over your wonderful act of revenge!!!

    Nancy in Iowa

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  37. Bravo, clapping loudly....and can I just say?? I love you!!! In a totally non-sexual way of coarse. Karma is a beautiful thing.

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  38. That's hilarious, good revenge John. I'm constantly glad that my road goes nowhere. Nowt ever comes up here.

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  39. Ha ha! That is shocking...and totally brilliant!

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  40. If it had been me, I think I would have left a lot more than a bag of dog shit! Some graffiti on the windscreen perhaps....

    I like the idea of getting passers-by to name your new arrivals.

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  41. Idiots seem in abundant supply no matter where one goes.

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  42. Now that is the way to recycle!
    :o)


    You are so very rich in the ways that it counts, John. ♥

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  43. Dog walkers always have a bit of revenge in hand. Best be kind to all of them.
    As children, they play in the street and expect cars to go around them. As they gain their license, they expect everyone to get out of the way.

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  44. I'd have to laugh if it turned out not to be the same van;-). Quite common you know, the white vans not you. The guys for the wicked adverts need to give you a bell me thinks. Bravo btw.

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  45. You may get a name.... and then the copy cats will be causing you trouble.

    HeeHee, Har Har snicker!

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  46. Oh you made my day with this! :-)
    Anne.x

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  47. John - yet again you have me wiping the tears from my eyes ...you are utterly brilliant:-) I don't have a dog..would it be acceptable for me to provide my own vegetable fuelled alternative donation to the arsehole drivers in my village do you think??

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  48. I hope you got the right car.

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  49. A lawyer once told me that revenge is 'good for the soul'. He was correct!
    As were you John, nice job!!

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  50. Ah, yes. revenge is a dish best served at (dog)body tempera.ture. Good for you old friend

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  51. John, check out: dave6.posterous.com/don't-honk-at-old-people

    I love it when rudeness gets paid back. You and this lady are my new heroes.

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  52. A bag of dog poop is oh so handy. I long to lob Dillon's at the bastards who let me walk in the road to get past them walking three a breast on the pavement or people who don't thank me for stopping to let them pass.

    When we left Spain to live back here, I placed a very natural looking joke dog poop under my neighbour's car for the wife to find. She was a total shit to us & deserved a dose !
    Wish I'd seen her face. Her husband would have left for work in the car not noticing the pile & she would have seen it later.

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  53. potatoes and exhaust pipes spring to mind!!

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  54. Yes. Yes. Yes! Thank you for taking revenge. This has given me so much satisfaction!

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  55. remind me never to pee you off!

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  56. Celeste is a great name, and that driver deserved lots of steaming dog shit. Narcissist!

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  57. Do you think he's staying with someone who reads your blog? (worry, worry...) Although I guess you would already have heard from him by now if so.

    Which, if you're still safe, makes it a brilliant comeback! (or cwmback...if I had a reverse Welch spellchecker on my computer.) Well done John!
    Dxxx

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