The pecking order between the dogs has been subtly changed yet again, and this morning they are subdued and quiet as they lie together on the lounge sofa. Their stillness is more a product of my mood than a show of theirs
Thanks to all that left a comment on Sunday's post, I have not read them all, but I will do ......
People are very kind, they say very nice things , but at times like these, as Chris would testify to, I hate fussing of any kind and am best left alone, to be busy..
Businesslike is good......
This may surprise some...after all old queens who blog are supposed to need sycophantic comments daily don't they?...No,not always they do....
So please no more "you're a nice person".....comments...I am no nicer , sweeter or angelic than anyone else on this planet.....believe me! and today I could quite easily strangle the first person who offers up a platitude or a wrong word...
We have now lost three dogs over 6 years. This seems a ridiculous number when you think about it......and this morning I am reminded of Lady Bracknell's comment in The Importance of Being Ernest
"To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness."
Finlay died from a fast growing Brain Tumour, Maddie from Vet incompetence and now Constance from cardiac failure.....all on paper have been unforeseen and unavoidable events (for us as owners that is ) but some small part of me feels as though we have done something wrong in all this.....and that feels shitty
Don't tell me that thought is wrong...please dont, I dont need the reasurrance.....I just feel what I am feeling this morning..and that's guilt
I am sorry about Constance, John; I somehow managed to miss your earlier post.
ReplyDeleteI know how you must be feeling right now ~ we lost our gorgeous, loopy greyhound, Amber, back in April. She went suddenly, from throwing up at 5am to being given "the" injection at 11am. Once the grief had started to subside a little, I too began to feel guilty. Hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, I can see that we missed one or two little warning signs that all was not well.
But that is life, isn't it. We can spend so much of it feeling guilty for this or that but since we are only rather fallible human beings we can only do our best! I won't shower you with platitudes, sweetie (I'll save them for other posts perhaps!) but just say that I am thinking of you and Chris ~ I will send you some virtual (((hugs))) though, whether you want them or not ;-)
Guilt comes on so easy. I hear you.
ReplyDeleteThis guilt thing is all part of the grieving process John.
ReplyDeleteI wish our dogs could live longer :(
If you're looking to have the job of 'guilt' you're going to have to wrestle me for it--I'm the 'cruise director of guilt' John. You know we've lost 3 dogs in the last six months, and while one was because it 'was time' the other two still have me feeling (really!) guilty. And even that aside, I feel guilty about other things, so again, sorry the job of guilt is taken--But today, and tomorrow if needed, you can be my assistant! :-)
ReplyDeleteLike Sharon, I missed your Sunday post and I'm sorry to hear about Constance.
ReplyDeleteI keep looking at our dog, Jack, who is ageing fast and I wonder how much longer he will last. I know when he does go, he will leave an enormous dog-shaped hole in our lives.
As it did with Bingo before him.
You don't forget, but you do get over it and smile at the memories.
You need a good night out!
ReplyDeleteStill feeling guilty about our Rocky cat...if I hadn't called him at just that moment he wouldn't have lost that argument with four cylinders. Wallow in grief and guilt....just go with the flow.....it's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteJohn - I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteJohn - so sorry for being nice to you you egg-munching Welsh country bumpkin! Have I avoided strangulation?
ReplyDeleteYP nice is good
ReplyDeleteoverly nice will get you a crack in the mouth!
thanks
x
you always think what if, and what should we or could we have done.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal to feel guilty at some level. You just need time to grieve.......
I did have a quick question though, are heart problems an issue with that breed?
Gill in Canada
enlarged heart is a common problem with this breed gil
ReplyDeleteas is heat exhaustion and breathing problems
I imagine you house feels like when you have children in and then they all go home.
ReplyDeleteXXX
Know I am here, with lips sealed, but here nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing just sucks...
ReplyDelete:(
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/photo.php?fbid=249928998375018&set=a.222605764440675.64084.100000737594240&type=1&theater
ReplyDeleteOkay...lips tightly shut.I'm silent.There's a first!!
ReplyDeleteJane x
In order to avoid strangulation you may simply refer to my Sunday comment. So there! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads-up about the heat exhaustion. (I'll give my daughter a reminder). She and her bulldog Daisy are now living in Miami - heat-exhaustion-central!
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time John the Dogs.
I can't say anything much other than *hugs* ♥
ReplyDeleteshitty shitty shit shit.
ReplyDeleteThat's all
I hear you John. X
ReplyDeleteI think that we all feel guilty when we lose a beloved pet. Surely, there must have been something more I could have done. Well, there usually wasn't, so you quickly figure out that you need to pull up your socks and move on.
ReplyDeleteJohn I have now heard of three bulldogs who died in similar circumstances. Surely the best way to go if you have to.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel guilt and wonder if there is anything you have done wrong or could have done better, we did feel the same way after loosing 9 donkeys at the DSC in one year. It's a horrible feeling of helplessness and confusion and second guessing etc. Reality is different but our mind just keeps coming up with differnt questions and wonders. And it sucks!
ReplyDeleteI will forever feel the guilt that was brought on by signing the papers to let my mother die back in May. I feel that you have every right to feel the way you do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the dogs, they know. I had no idea that dogs could even cry until my pet rabbit died in my arms and my dog came sniffing at him. When a tear ran down his face, I lost it.
I read your sad news on Weaver of Grass's blog and just nipped over to leave my condolences. Dogs' lives are all too short and we have had to say goodbye to several over the years. It is always a bad time but they leave us with many happy memories. I'm sure you took good care of all your dogs and you shouldn't feel guilty. Hope the ones you still have bring you comfort.
ReplyDeleteI stopped at Weaver of Grass and learned you've lost a cherished companion. Having lost a dog, some years ago, to a sudden, fast-growing cancer, I understand your ache - and your feelings of guilt.
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry for your loss. John.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the crisis of confidence we went through when we lost our fourth hen. Twinkle went from a big and bumptious Light Sussex to weak & wasting away in a matter of days. We decided to get a post mortem which showed it was most likely a combination of things - nothing we could have prevented.
ReplyDeleteHoward seriously wondered about giving away the other girls, but I talked him out of it and they're still here. Have yet to add to the flock. But one day soon, I will. (Seriously thinking of making a trip to the Wernlas closing down auction Saturday week).
I'm popping over from the weaver's post to say so sorry about the loss of your beloved dog. there is no consolation... at least for a while.
ReplyDeleteGiven that you've still got a menagerie to attend to, you ought to have plenty to do to keep busy. And that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI get the same way when i'm processing a loss. My DH doesn't understand it, but i need to do stuff first, especially anything that truly needs doing, and then get emotional later.
I've thought of you off and on over the last day or so and am glad all the dogs were there when it happened. So, they all know. And they may be still in part to give you space. My cats seem to know when i really need to be by myself. After a bit one of them will sit in the same room with me, offering support just by being there by not asking for anything.
Wish more people would learn from that.
megan
I'm hearing you John.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDeletetried to lighten my mood with a bit of youtube tonight..
ReplyDeletedidnt work......
but thank you all again for your concern it means a lot
John, allow yourself permission to have all the emotions you need ... x
ReplyDeleteI hear you John. I have felt the same guilt on the loss of a beloved pet.
ReplyDeleteA quote from Voltaire comes to mind.
"Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills"
Knowing you as I do, from reading your blog, I think this may offer some comfort, as it did with me.
RIP dear Constance.
Jeanne
x
I’m no psychiatric nurse, let alone selfless, passionate & dedicated carer of human and animal creatures by a country mile…but you are John – so you don’t need me to suggest to you that how you were feeling on Sunday, is probably just part of the journey for someone like you, the process, of reconciling with your loss. The guilt, the impotence, the anger & frustration – and all the while the small nagging doubts that as an experienced and trained professional nurse, and virtual vet…maybe you could have foreseen a danger sign and thus prolonged an existence for a while longer.
ReplyDeleteThe tough part is riding through the quiet voids and vacuums after such personal losses, wearing nothing but your own self blame. For good, huge hearted people like you John, it wasn’t just unavoidable; it was actually inevitable you should feel this way. All part of life’s many all too cruel ironies. The shit bit. It takes an awful lot of balls to do what you do every day John, knowing full well that sooner or later; there will just as inevitably come days of great sorrow and self doubt. But it’s a price you knowingly and willingly pay all the same, and have done your whole adult life.
For what it’s worth John, these facets and features of you, for which you have so gut wrenchingly honestly chosen to share with us through your blog here, underline the true extent of your character and integrity, and likewise the richness and depth of all the layers that make you who and what you ‘really’ are. It’s what makes you so genuinely endearing to all your friends, family and blogger fans in all truth, and rightly so, cos you’re a bit of a rare breed on this planet of ours…and very much worth admiring mate. Believe me.
I'm so sorry to read about Constance, John. I haven't been online for a few days, due to my computer going belly-up and haven't seen you around the village to speak to. As you know, we lost Susie a couple of months ago and her sister Jenny last year - it's very hard to come to terms with both of them gone within a year. It's difficult for some people to understand how you can get so attached to dogs, but you do (and you always know you're only going to have them for all too short a time). Constance was such a character and we'll miss seeing her in the village. Our thoughts are with you and Chris.
ReplyDeleteval,jeanne and Phil
ReplyDeleteyour words helped a great deal
thank you
Guilt - Grief. Perhaps they fit hand in glove.
ReplyDeleteAll part of life and living.
Hi John...just catching up last night and read the sad news. What a shock, and a huge loss, too. She was such a character, Constance was, bigger than life and totally unapologetic about it. I'll miss her, that big, farting, loyal, loving girl.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're navigating the huge waves she's left in her wake all right.
Take care.
Dia
Hi John...just catching up last night and read the sad news. What a shock, and a huge loss, too. She was such a character, Constance was, bigger than life and totally unapologetic about it. I'll miss her, that big, farting, loyal, loving girl.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're navigating the huge waves she's left in her wake all right.
Take care.
Dia
John...you sure have a lot of friends who are thinking of you. Just be who you are and roll with it.
ReplyDelete