I have been informed that I am pretty good when dealing with children. I cannot quite see this myself as it seems my contact with kids of any age is extremely limited, but I will concede that when I do talk with a child I do so without patronising or condescension.
It is clear to me, that in this modern age, there is a generalised and insidious fear of children. Now of course what I actually mean is that there is a unspoken fear of other peoples' children in today's world of stranger danger and risk assessments.The new unwritten law is that Children, especially ones that you do not know have to be ignored in fear that anyone would think that ulterior motives are afoot!
It is a sad state of affairs.
I was only thinking about this a day or so ago. I was walking the dogs in the village as the school children were leaving the village school. One little boy of around 8 was walking back home alone ( gawd how many times does this happen any more?) Now I know him to say hello to as he and his parents have visited the allotment for eggs and I always have found him a bright little boy with an eager and enquiring mind. He called out a polite hello then asked where Maddie was. I stopped to tell him our sad news, but all the time I was chatting I felt uncomfortable that how this perfectly normal conversation may be viewed by say other parents or passing drivers. Would they see my behaviour as "inappropriate" especially as I was not a family friend or indeed a relative?.
This overwhelming "worry" of being seen in the wrong light does a disservice to children. It isolates them from normal interaction with adults and creates an imbalance as those adults that they don't know, literally do fear them.
In today's world Children are only brought up by parents. In my day adults generally were trusted to do the right thing by children. You had non biological aunts and uncles that you minded and trusted and the treat of stranger danger, although present, was never overwhelming and restrictive.
My elder sister was on holiday once, I think it was in Portugal, and she and numerous other people on the beach noticed a woman who was a little "lax" at caring for her small toddler. At times this child seemed cold and distressed, and despite the general consensus that this was not acceptable, the population of the beach seemed to be paralysed into any action. Again this unwritten rule that children must not be approached, frightened people into indecision.
In the end, my sister, who is a forceful character scooped the child up,warmed and consoled her and gave the mother a bit of a "talking to", but this directness and community action is sadly lacking in all areas of our lives.
Perhaps the pendulum will swing back to a more relaxed age. But I cannot see that happening.
I would like to think that the generic "we" will mean a more community "we" rather than this modern day nuclear family "we" that pervades everything nowadays
For US readers, the “school-run” is the name of the practice of ferrying offspring to school by car. I’m not sure if you use the same expression, or another. There is not a culture of school buses/coaches in the UK (although there are some, mainly for rural areas or private schools).
ReplyDeleteI normally leave for work prior to the “school run”. However, on days that I am running late, my foot journey to the bus stop requires me to pass the local primary school. I have to add at this point that this is a (relatively speaking) safe, suburban area with very few crimes against the person. The only perceivable risk to children in public spaces is from the cars themselves.
I am suspiciously stared at by parents as I walk quickly “through” the public pathway that bridges the two sides of the suburban housing estate in which I live. They can be extremely intimidating, sometimes even “pulling” children out of my way, “keeping” them in their cars until I have passed, or quite obviously “ensuring” that I do not linger near the school longer than I need to. I am not paranoid – I observe their behaviour, albeit casually, every day, five days a week – and this makes me feel very, very sad.
I would be interested in hearing US readers, and their experiences / theories. Here are mine – sorry if I offend a few folk here, but remember it’s not personal (many of my friends are parents) – parents appear to me to be the ‘participant victims’ in this utter mess we in the UK have gotten ourselves into:
(1) The increased participation of both parents (where there are two) in the workplace has meant that the ‘child’ is often deposited en-route to the school, where after the parent drives straight to their workplace (hence the vernacular, “school run”, as it is time-pressured). The extended family is far more dispersed in many communities, and so ‘traditional’ networks are unavailable.
(2) There is a ‘moral panic’ about child safety in the UK, something promoted by the popular media and several high-profile TV presenters. That children are safer in this country than in any point in history does not appear to quell this anxiety, and a discourse on ‘vulnerability’ is not equipping many children to cope with the ‘real world’. Most parents DO realise this, yet are faced with negotiating between common-sense and public opinion.
(3) In respect of child abuse, the practices do not reflect the ‘facts’, and a collective dissonance appears to be at play. Children are still most likely to be physically or sexually abused by someone in their family or close social network. Yet the concept of “stranger danger” is instructed by many. Legal measures such as CRB checks are only valid on the day they are done, and (more particularly) are not required for those who present the most risk to children anyway – family members.
(4) Parenting is under intense scrutiny by state agencies, the media and a particular (middle-class) mindset about what “good” parenting “is”. Parents, I observe and hear, appear compelled to enact public performances of ‘how much they care’ for their children, save accusations to the contrary. The ‘necessity’ of internet sites such as “Mums-net” appear testimony to this. Parents have been undermined by the state and its agents in the ‘child protection’ industry.
(5) Many adults are unwilling or unable to offer authority or friendship to children -or show care in an intimate way - because of the fear of public censure. To speak to a child you do not ‘know’ (and even ones that you do) is something only the fool-hardy or brave will actually do, particularly if you’re male.
Oh I could go on, but I think you probably get my point.
Nx
Yes, we seem to live in an age of paranoia. Perhaps these days over protection is warranted -- I don't know. Well, it's more than paranoia about their child become a victim, as you said, there is fear of litigation.
ReplyDeleteThere are definitely benefit to having a closely knit neighborhood or living in a small town. Less fear of the unknown. There are more people for you to entrust your child's care.
It's a dreadful state of affairs when you can't even speak to a child let alone comfort a distressed one. I know there are some wicked people out there but the world is a bit too over protective. xxx
ReplyDeleteI agree it is a sad, sad world we live in when you can't stop and talk to children without the fear of being labled as something or other.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were kids me and my two brothers were gone from morning to night on our bikes without a fear in the world. Nowadays parents dare not let their kids out of their sights.
Where we live all the kids are bussed to school as we are in the countryside, so at least they are reasonably safe......
Gill in Canada
Hello John, how sad that a friendly conversation with a child can make us uncomfortable in this day and age. It's certainly not like it was when we were children where we were free to run the neighbourhood and adults in the area were to be respected and trusted...not feared. The only adults I remember being afraid of were the ones with nice lawns or fruit trees where we were NOT allowed to step foot or climb the fence to nip an apple! I doubt things will change nowadays but I still smile and say hello to children if they're looking at me. I hope that shows them that there are still friendly people out there who aren't going to hurt them. I hope you're having a good weekend....Maura :)
ReplyDeleteBack in the 60's, my family moved to a very small town where I met my future husband. It seemed like every adult was his Aunt or Uncle. It took me years to figure out that there was no blood relationship; the adults in his life were called Aunt and Uncle and had the privileges thereof. Maybe that's going a little too far, but it's sad that now an adult can't even speak to a child without arousing suspicion.
ReplyDeletePerception is interesting. I work with an office full of wedding-crashing attorneys and we make lots of green papers representing folks falsely accused of stalking, or harming children. It is indeed very sad. I walk my 4 dogs daily past an elementary school. I am a woman of a "certain" age and walking a pack of 4 poodles --we are a spectacle unto ourselves at any time-- but the kids are drawn to the dogs and will run up and greet the dogs, then dash away.
ReplyDeleteBut parents do seem to be very fearful. There are many sexual predators in our society today and many of them look "normal". You can Google where they live - there is one on our street!! One must be mindful but not fearful at all times.
I too grew up in a time where you knew all your neighbors and respected them. If one of them told my parents something about me, my parents believed their word entirely. Today everyone seems overly suspicious. Sometimes though it is for good reason. We see it every day at work.
One other thing, we did not allow sleep overs at our house when our kids were growing up for the same reason.
Finally I want to say the post with the funny pictures was very enjoyable. Those costumes... uh, no. Loved the hot dog one! LOL!
very sad - I'm sure you are interesting to talk to child or adult. I do know that uneasy feeling though.
ReplyDeleteI walked off with a supermarket trolley last week & my daughter pointed out ours was somewhere else. I looked into the trolley & there was a baby in a car seat in it looking at me. I shreaked " Oh my God there's a baby ! " luckily the dad standing near was laughing his head off !
Yes, it's getting bad, a person doesn't dare even ask to hold a baby anymore. (OMG, I may steal or abuse it!!!)
ReplyDeleteGreat blog John! Yes, it would be wonderful if our world did an about face on this issue. Food for thought.
ReplyDeleteIt's a far way from the day when, as kids, we were allowed to run wide, wild and free with no concerns, as every community member knew us and acted in locus parentis for us.
ReplyDeleteI would leave home after supper of a friday evening and roam the countryside with five mates - we slept at whoever's place we ended up at (ususually on the verandah under some old grey army blankets on wire based cots) had toast, jam and tea for breakfast and were off again.
The partyline would start ringing around 3.30pm on a Sunday wanting to know "Where the boys are?" and to remind us to be home in time for our bath before supper "....because tomorrow was a school day!"
Cannot see that happening these days and when our 4 and 7 year old grandsons are here to stay we watch them like a pair of protective hawks.
And yes! Despite being a State Registered Nurse for 45 years I am very conscious that I am "...that old man who lives near the school!"
John i trust you and Chris 100% with Helen, and their arent many locally i do.
ReplyDeleteAlso its more applicable of strangers rather than locals. We have that bloke that rides through the village who has been warned by police to stay away from schools and public areas where children gather.
If i saw him talking to Helen i would loose my self control i think. Also their is the guy who i told you about who makes inappropriate (spelling) remarks always with inuendos.
I understand your concerns and also helped the little boy who fell in the road yesterday and had to carry him down to his parents, if i didnt know him id have probably waited with him till his parents came up.
So even as a parent i have them worries.
I agree.
ReplyDeleteSo different than when we were growing up.
You are scared to expose them to strangers and at the same time they miss out on so much.
It's called throwing the baby out with the bathwater.