Monday, 16 February 2015

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Today's post was going to be centred around the knotty subject of canine mastubation but a small medical emergency with an out-of-date bag of rice noodles seems to have started the day on somewhat of a bitter sweet note.

Monday morning is a recycling morning.
The chicken carcass from Sunday lunch, left over vegetables,  old bits of bread, any old shite from the fridge are all mixed together in a bucket or a bowl and the slop fed to the animals on the field.
Today's leftovers were augmented by a pile of undigested cat food ( thrown up by Albert) a French stick someone had thoughtfully left on the back garden wall and a bag of out-of-date rice noodles.
I took the offerings over to the field and dumped them on the  ground as the hens, geese , turkey and sheep galloped over to bolt down the food and had just turned back to the cottage ( to enjoy my  first cup of coffee of the day) when I noticed a wide eyed Camilla staggering around strangely with a large clump of rice noodles hanging out of the side of her open beak.
She was choking .
Now I've only ever done the Heimlich Manoeuvre once in mylife and that was when an elderly food driven psychiatric patient tried to eat a whole tin of apricots in syrup in one glug and that was back in 1987, so I can't at all call myself an expert, but I jumped into the emergency situation with unexpected gusto and grabbed Camilla from behind.
I tipped her upside down, shook her three times and squeezed her smartly around the middle as if I was playing a grey and white set of bagpipes.
Camilla coughed, took one deep breath and then farted incredibly loudly as I squeezed her again to make sure all the tubes were clear.
It was only after I had put her down when I realised that the noodles had been shifted and that I was covered in around a litre of bright green watery shit.

And so , let that be a lesion to you all , if you ever have to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre on a goose..make sure it's arse is pointing away from you....

Camilla after her ordeal

I'll leave you with this photo of Meg and Winnie
It's a rare shot...
You have to remember that Meg hates Winnie
Winnie is ambivalent to Meg
So this photo made me smile....
Im off for a bath




63 comments:

  1. 6:25a here, about to get my first cuppa of the day, and I am trying to picture this bucolic scene whilst I am still half asleep. once again, john brings home a winner! :)

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  2. The mental image of you squeezing an inverted goose that's firing from both ends is going to keep me smiling all day - priceless :-)
    Oh, and well done by the way!

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  3. Blimey...squawk that!!

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  4. so the canine masturbation post will appear another day, then?

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  5. Poor Camilla. Glad all is well.
    Is that an egg she's got there?

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    1. It's Jo's the geese have just started to lay

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  6. The joys of country living John?. I am use to getting covered in cow curry.

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    1. Dave...more shit in a cow

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  7. Thanks for the mornin giggle. Great way for me to start my day.
    Cheers Peter

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  8. "Pooped on by a goose", five words I never thought I would say in my life but I'm glad you were able to save Camilla. Bless you John.

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  9. Though I do remember an earlier Heimlich, when you saved that great big turkey from choking on a mince pie or something else christmassy? Or was that a 'near-Heimlich experience'?

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    1. It WAS a mince pie and it was old Boris!
      Good job you reminded me!....
      And so, I AM a bit of a expert !

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    2. was it not a stale Italian biscuit? And only after you saved him, he swallowed a whole mince pie in one go? (The fact you dished out mince pies to poultry was an enormous shock to me..., like feeding Scottish eggs to pigs, it has never left my mind). (And who was Bingley? The same as Boris? Sorry, my memory is all over the place.)

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    3. Biscotti! That was it!

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  10. Camilla looks quite stunned after her 'adventure'.

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  11. If a word balloon was coming out of Meg's mouth, it might read - "Get out of my chair Churchill or I'll perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on you you great fat lump!"

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  12. I guess that maneuver works on both ends.

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  13. I think you need one of those huge Vet's aprons..... I knew you'd require one eventually.

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  14. Just what I would expect to happen if i squeezed a goose.

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  15. Camilla looks like she wants to say something but does not find the words.

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  16. You are the BEST goose-daddy.

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  17. Well at least it wasn't the lovely REAL Camilla. I'm imagining you holding her upside down, your head lodged between her parted legs while you squeezed. Then if she'd done what feathered Camilla had done, and knowing what a die-hard royalist you are, you certainly would never have wanted to wash it off. (Makes for such a memorable image - which I shall now store in my memory banks).

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    1. thanks Raybeard for that image... no really, THANKS! (in my mind this combines with the overheard telephone conversations by Charles, when they were still not officially an item) (and now I feel rather ill)

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    2. I'm trying like billy-o to erase the picture from my mind, Elsewhere, but I fear it's got itself fastened in there for good, worse luck - just like that telephone call image you mention which we now can't help thinking of whenever we see HRH. (Now I too am trying to hold it all down!)

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    3. OMG ! I am laughing so hard I snorted.
      Next time I see Camilla I just know this image will pop up in my mind !

      cheers, parsnip

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    4. It is not, repeat NOT, funny, a/p. (Chuckle chuckle)

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  18. Photo looks to me as though Meg is trying to push Winnie out of the chair, using all her strength. But winnie is having none of it. I had a pug and a German short haired pointer for years. They got on tolerably well but if GSHP lay in front of the fire and the pug came in, he would climb over the pointer and push his way in.
    As for your other story - chicken carcass ? bones?? wonder you haven't had to perform that manouvre before it seems to me.

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    1. I did, but it was a mince pie that was the culprit

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  19. My life is so boring and predictable in comparison ~ I mustn't be living.

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    1. 23 hours 54 minutes of today has been mundane carol

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  20. You had me at canine masturbation.

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  21. Grey and white set of bagpipes..... we need several cameras around your farm.
    I also want to know about the bones ? Who eats the bones and wouldn't they get caught and choke the animals ?

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Never had a problem with carcass bones, the birds pick them rather than swallow them..... It's the soft stuff like noodles they bolt

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  22. All in a a day's work for the 'village' keeper.

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  23. John, you are a saint.

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  24. Too funny, well done you. I love the photo of Winnie and Meg
    Twiggy

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  25. Thanks for the tip, they didn't cover that aspect of it in out first aid training at work the other week.
    Lisa x

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  26. Chris doesn't know whet he's missing, in his nice clean office...or perhaps he does! Winnie looks like a very comfy dog cushion and totally unbothered..she's a really good natured old girl.

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  27. I do believe Meg has decided to kill Winnie with kindness--nothing beats a first rate arse-warmer.

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  28. It's a good thing it happened while you were on the field, or we might have been reading a very different story. What a great line about the grey and white bagpipes!

    I love that picture of Meg and Winnie. When it's cold, any warm body will do :)

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  29. I've only done one myself......on my then-6 year old daughter....never heard of one done on a fowl.

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  30. If anyone ever asks me what my words of wisdom to the world would be I'm going to say:

    "if you ever have to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre on a goose..make sure it's arse is pointing away from you...."

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    1. Hahaha..so funny

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  31. I'll remember you tip for the future. ;-)

    Geese are greedy b*ggers though aren't they, they will wolf down as much as they can as quickly as they can to make sure they get more than their fair share!!

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  32. once again, it can only happen to you!!

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  33. When we saved food for the hens it was old bread and then it was soaked in water.

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  34. Is it only considered lucky if a bird in the sky shits on you? or am I confused (doesn't take a lot these days...) x

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  35. I literally find myself sitting here at my computer chuckling to myself and shaking my head in disbelief. Only you, John (or, only you are willing to admit it publicly).

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    1. Like I said to carol , 23 hours 56 minutes of my day has been pretty mundane

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  36. So basically you feed the field animals, barf.

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  37. I can't believe no one's said this yet in the comments: You used your noodle for this one, John.

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  38. "I tipped her upside down, shook her three times and squeezed her smartly around the middle as if I was playing a grey and white set of bagpipes." Hahahaha... this bit made me choke on my sandwich... you paint so eloquently with words John... I was there with you offering useless advice... you knew what you were doing. Poor Camilla, she looks distinctly affronted in the after pic .. love it!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  39. A little goose poop never hurt anyone. I'm glad you saved her life. Isn't it interesting that we learn all these rescue techniques, and then most of us never use them? When Favorite Young Man was 15, he took lifeguard training. The teacher was about 200 years old. She said that she had never once used CPR in her entire career, but everyone needed to learn it. So they learned it. FYM got a job as a lifeguard. On the last day of the summer, a little boy fell in the water and nearly drowned. FYM saw him, scooped him up, performed CPR, and saved his life. His parents were very appreciative, but it's sad they weren't watching him. A toddler shouldn't be left alone.

    Love,
    Janie

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  40. Only you, John Gray.

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  41. I don't want any lesions thank you my husb is a canker enough for me!!!!
    and please no more dog m********ing for crying out loud. Alfie retires to his bed behind the chair in the kitchen after tea and 'scratches around' whilst I ignore him - biggest regret was not getting him 'done' but hes 11 1/2 now so too late.
    why am i awake at 530am and typing in the dark - fuck knows!
    x

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    1. ok its 610 now and i can be officially awake now and not insomniac
      its beloved daughters university interview today and have to spend time with The F*ckwit - wish us both luck

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    2. Sounds like you need a relaxing cup of coffee

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  42. "Grey and white bagpipes"........lol!
    John you must do the national lottery next time your shat on, who knows?
    Hope the rest of the day is 50/50 mundane/life enhancing! xx

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  43. I have done the Heimlich on an alpaca. It did not have the same results as you (from the far end), but it was successful on the front end. It's amazing what we can do when called upon.

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