disappointment

Yesterday I had an on line conversation with a former workmate who is catholic.
I asked him why he thought that the crowds celebrating the arrival of Pope Francis in Phoenix Park in Dublin were a fifth of the expected size
I expected a comment about public disillusionment with the way historic sex abuse cases were ignored and buried. I thought that trust and pride and that unshakable faith Catholicism demands of its followers has now been challenged and damaged by the public need for decency and the pragmatism of gay marriage and abortion law review.
But my friend summed up what he felt about the Catholic Church
" I'm disappointed in it " he said

Disappointment is, I think , such an underused and underestimated put down. Being disappointed in an institution or a person has a power all of it's own.
It feels quiet and dignified, but it is an insult that can wound so very much as it brings alongside it a loss of respect, trust and and sense that you expected so much better from something or someone

.
Disappointment seems much more powerful a feeling than anger or shame

The Children Act

It's been a nice afternoon. Cinema on a rainy Sunday followed by a nice Caesar salad....very civilised

We went to see The Children Act 

Not an easy or indeed enjoyable film to watch, but one that certainly had the conversation flowing over some chicken and shredded lettuce !

The film follows workaholic High Court Children Case Judge Fiona Maye ( Emma Thompson) as she faces the dilemma of a hospital wanting to transfuse blood to a boy of seventeen who is a devout Jehovah's Witness. Legally the boy (Fion Whitehead) should be treated as a child incapable of giving consent, but Maye caught up in the repressed emotional stress of her failing marriage , chooses to visit the boy in hospital to explore his thoughts and feelings about his condition, a decision which gets more complicated and messy as the meeting has a profound effect on everyone involved.

As a nurse I could see the holes in much of Ian McEwan's storyline and the film does veer from  being a fascinating glimpse into courtroom etiquette one moment and a daily unbelievable legal/ relationship drama the next.
Having said this, Emma Thompson pitches her performance just right. She is a focused, career woman who is certain of every fact in her possession . She is quick thinking, unsentimental and clear cut, so from the get go, the audience sympathy lies with her husband Jack ( Stanley Tucci) who offers affectionate meals out together and a shared bottle of wine only to have his overtures rejected
In one telling scene Fiona , explains to him that in one of her cases one conjoined twin's heart beats for both babies' survival . A clear metaphor for the state of her marriage

Maye's character is not easy, she has no banter with her devoted bland court clerk ( Jason Watkins), and she is so controlled it's almost infuriating to watch her stalk through her beautiful apartment ( to die for) where she plays her grand piano in a friendless, work orientated existence .
But the film is more an interesting study of her driven complex character, rather than a debate of the rights or wrongs of Jehovah Witness beliefs
6/10

What Are You Doing This Weekend?

We walked a 10 miles round trip to watch the show

Bank holiday weekends can be hell when you are on your own
Been to the " Book Swap " at the village hall
Came away 5£ lighter, two books heavier but did have one of Bridget's " fat bastard "scones ( which rival Auntie Glad's, they really do)
And got a big hug from the velvet voiced Linda from Well Street who I think adores me.
Tomorrow my sister in law and I are going out to lunch then to see the acclaimed The Children's Act 
And this afternoon Mary and I are going to walk from Prestatyn to Rhyl to watch the start of the Air Show

A Letter From The Director

to all of the sponsors in John's Zip Wire Adventure

"Hi John,

I would be grateful if you could thank your blog readers for their support in sponsoring you and raising such an amazing amount for our branch.  This will be an enormous help, especially for our small branch.  The funds we raise are used for our own local activities and operational costs. None of our volunteers receive payment for their input into the branch.

Donations we receive not only enable us to respond to calls for help each year as a branch via phone, text and email, but also make a difference in our local community.  For example, our volunteers deliver a range of community outreach activities, including schools, hospitals, prison and shortly custody suite.  

Last year the money we raised also enabled us to keep our branch doors open to talk face to face with local people who turn to us when they are struggling to cope.  Crucially, we recruit and train new local people each year to become listening volunteers, giving them skills and experiences that support the growth and wellbeing of our community.

Thank you each and every one for your generous donations which total such an amazing amount. And of course, our thanks to you for taking on this daredevil challenge and for all you do in supporting the branch.

Warm regards. 

Judy Peachey

Director
Rhyl & N E Wales Samaritans"

Friday Thoughts At 6 am

Last night the Trelawnyd Community Association took me out for a meal.
I was touched as it looked as though all of the committee members were there and we more or less filled the small restaurant at The Crown. 
I had the pork belly......it was bloody lovely too.
Linda from well Street made a slightly boozy and rather emotional speech about me staying in Trelawnyd, which was nice and I managed a quick reply saluting the work of the new committee

The Community Association has galvanised several new initiatives with different members running different areas. The first Women's Institute meeting had 30 women turn up on Tuesday night A new youth club seems clearly organised for late summer and the first open house coffee morning and book swap has been planned for this Saturday morning.

The Meg

I've kept busy this week. Choir Tuesday, Cinema Wednesday with my sister ( dreadful movie The Meg..not good enough for a review here!) and dinner out last night!
I've got sole responsibility for the ponies too over the next four days which will be a challenge as I've yet got the hang of slipping the mare her medication which has to be hidden inside an apple.
Be assured that I no longer wear flip flops on the field.

You blog readers have been real stars where my zip line sponsorship has been concerned. It looks as though we may even reach the £3000 mark with the gift aid added which is a phenomenal amount in anyone's eyes.
I am humbled by your generosity and by your support and I shall post a formal letter of thanks to you all from our branch director soon.
You are all stars!
Shiny loving stars!

Donate link 

Is

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

It's 6 am or just after as I type this, and Strange as it was seem I've been awake since 5.20am
Only William and Albert are with me in bed, Albert, alert and calm is watching the field for rabbits. William, much more frail since his accident is asleep with his paws stretched out the only way pedigree dogs can only do.
I can hear Winnie snoring from downstairs, she and Mary are sharing my armchair.
The sparrows in the honeysuckle are still quiet

I've just noticed that I now sleep on the right of the double bed
For two decades I've always ever slept on the left.

I know the answer to this.......
Self preservation ...................

Overwhelmed & Grateful

I wanted to tell you a little more about the centre where your donations will be going to.
Samaritans Rhyl is one of the smallest Sam centres in the UK.
It is run solely by volunteers, and last year  in this time of volunteer apathy, we had only some 16 souls that acted as listening volunteers on the phone lines .
Phone lines that had literally doubled in activity due to the introduction of the Sams freephone number 116123
In nearly every assessment we were told that we were consistently punching above our weight, and through hard work our recruitment, training and mentoring teams have literally doubled our listening volunteer numbers in just one year !!!!!
This ongoing development of our service needs support at this crucial time and be assured that
Your donated monies will go directly to Rhyl branch.and really will  make a difference to the service we give our callers.
A reminder ...my donate page can be reached at  ( click on)

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

In just 18 hours you have donated over £ 1500.00 to our little centre, a phenomenal amount !
Thank you so, so very much on behalf of our team, we now hope to raise a fantastic £2000, which will be vital in keeping us going this year....

This morning my fellow conspirator Ann stopped by for  a selfie, she is completing her zip wire in support of Alzheimer's, a charity which is, I know dear to many of you
Her donate page can be seen at

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ann-malthoff

Hands In Pockets Time

Hello All, 

As you may remember , I am terrified of heights

And so, I am going to squeeze my fat arse into a sleeping bag and I am going to launch myself 

Over the Bethesda Quarry on the Velocity 2 zip line

On September 26th

I am doing this for Charity namely

The Rhyl Samaritans, 

Of which I am deputy director for Caller Care

Please sponsor me 

Give what you can! The money will go directly to our centre and will be used to support the 

Service we give our callers

Donation page 

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

I am zipping with fellow villager Ann Maltoff who will be doing her jump 

In support of Alzheimer's Charity

I will publish her charity link tomorrow  

Pulchritudinous

I couldn't pronounce it let alone understand what it actually meant.
But there it was in black and white
On the blog written by a gay man, I was actually described as Pulchritudinous.
At first I presumed it was a side swipe at my chunky bear outline or even a reference to my overly scabby knees or ruddy outdoor complexion but no, it was , in fact,  a positive remark
I was actually described in a positive if not exaggerated light
But, I was pleased.
And rather flattered.

The Choir

Our choir master is called Jaimie.
He has a 28 inch waist, looks about 14 and has all the energy of a small nuclear power station.
He was also delightfully friendly.
I was sat with the three other bass singers in the male section as various ladies in the sopranos gave me thumbs up and encouraging smiles.
There were around thirty of us. The youngest a nurse in her twenties who lives in one of the tiny cottages in  Trelawnyd , stood next to me. She remembered that I had been kind to her the day she moved to the village. " Hello John the dogs " she whispered as the song sheets were handed out
She seems one of those incredibly warm characters with a big heart.

I quickly had to learn the bass lines to Labi Siffre's Something Inside So Strong which the ever bouncy Jamie demonstrated to each of the vocal groups .
It was all rather challenging but a wonderfully enjoyable experience.

We went on with a terribly hard Czech folk tune Okolo Hradisca with several of the choir waving at me to say they were sorry for the "baptism  of fire" ( they had all sang it before) but it certainly didn't put me off as the harmonies suddenly came together in front of a somewhat manic Jamie.

As I packed up to leave, he came over briefly to ask if I was coming back
" You have a good singing voice!" He told me,
And I suddenly felt a tiny bit tearful
But I had already made my decision within two minutes of entering the choir room
" See you next Tuesday!" I told him with a big smile

Back In The Saddle

Only a brief morning post today as I am saving my creative juices for tell you all about the choir later.
I've been chasing paperwork and officialdom from 9 am as I have hopefully got myself a part time , 2 nights a week job. A job that will pay some of the bills, support the animals and stop me thinking of what was and what could have been.
I won't tell you all more than that given that all of the i s have to dotted , suffice to say that after my non too reticent criticism of senior management decisions and abilities at my previous employ , I won't be going back to ITU.
Thank God!

More about the choir later......

Animal Problems

Mary behaved impeccably at the vets this afternoon.
We had an appointment with the senior vet ( not George Clooney) who reviewed her history of recurrent ear infections and drew diagrams for me to understand the physiology of the problem .
It looks as though she will need surgery
I sighed....another day..another animal problem.

Earlier today I found myself trying to round up the field horses.
It had come to my attention that they had loosened the wooden fencing between them and the new graveyard by rubbing their itchy arses on the upright stakes so it was imperative that I move them to the lower part of the field where they could do no more damage.
Having little experience in tacking up ponies I resorted to waving a piece of cheap white bread in front of them hoping to do a bit of a "pied piper"  thing , but things went tits up when The ponies got all frisky with the whole situation and charged somewhat energetically after me.
From out of nowhere Irene noisily joined in with the stampede, and I found myself galloping clumsily ahead in my flip flops like a fat, bread waving lunatic .
It was a genuinely frightening experience.

The young Bantam cockerels have caused their own minor problems and have deserted their hen house in the Ukrainian village to move into the garden of our new neighbours. I have no idea where they are roosting but I do know that two sets of neighbours are feeding them so well that the roosters have now learnt to tap on their conservatory windows in a ploy to beg for food.

William is recovering from his car accident well and George despite his age continues to look robust even though I'm convinced he has the start of diabetes insipidus with his water drinking antics.

Only the oldest and potentially most unfit of all of the animals at Bwthyn y llan is doing all rather well. Winnie, who has past her sell by date a good while ago now , remains steadfast and magnificent
She's like a Old Spanish galleon in full sail

The best two bitches in my life

I want

Sometimes I want...

I want a house with a hallway upstairs with sash windows on either side so that the sun shines through at all times of day.

I want brexit to be overruled

I want a porch like the one whoopie Goldberg had in The Colour Purple

I want a American roll topped bath and wash basin

I want world peace

I want a sassy housekeeper like Thelma Ritter

I want an asthmatic pug dog called Roger

I want to be able to dance 

I want my Sheffield friends on tap

I want to go to New York on the Queen Mary

I want a pristine green front lawn 

I want an official Walking Dead Trendy sports top

I want a tortoise 

I want a 34 inch waist

I want a continual collection of pencils 

What do you want?

Sunday

I've put moisturiser on and everything

Boring Oneself

Broadstairs 

I'm boring myself now, which is probably a good thing.
But for 18 weeks now I have cried every single day.
It's not a melodramatic cry. I'm no Scarlett O'Hara
But it is more like a daily " welling up"  a rush of emotions that occurs when a particular piece of music is played , a certain scene pops up in a movie or a certain advert dives under your emotional radar.
I am fed up of trying to shake away blurred vision, a blotchy face and that here we go again exasperation bereavement plonks on you out of the blue.
It's a bastard .....bereavement .
I know  all this, Indeed I pride myself on my emotional intelligence, but 18 weeks isn't a long time in the great scheme of things to realise that your husband has chosen a life which is now different to the one you previously knew and that he has gone alongside with shared way of life , family and home.

Intellectually the blocks are in all of the right holes .
Emotionally my head is at times like spaghetti.
Yet I know what to do
Keep busy, get a job, sort out the practical things,
Enjoy friends, keep busy, try to roll with punches,
Keep busy, let things go, remember the good, keep busy,
Be pragmatic, let go of anger, keep busy....

It's just the doing  which is sometime hard.
So this is my cathartic post, a bit like yesterday's but with a little more honesty.
Real life is more less exhausting than this necessary emotional romp of grief, and that is what I have to get back to.
My husband is no monster here, I would never of married him if he was a monster.

Mary has to be picked up from the groomers at 11 am and I've got some shopping to do before I ve got to help a colleague at Sams complete some interviews for new volunteers.
The village community Association is holding a treasure hunt this afternoon which I may go to if I can conscript a co pilot and I have got to see Flower Show Ann regarding our zip wire day, which we will be doing for charity ( coughs into hand which I expect every reader to donate on line to! )

Ann has warmed me that the " heavier" participants on the zip wire have a small parachute attached to them in order to slight slow their decent down.......I know I am going to resemble one of those refugee food drops in Africa where the tons of supplies are crash landed into the jungle ! 

I may go to the cinema later today, William is doing mighty fine , so doesn't need watching too much.
Onwards and upwards, so they say....
I'm not promising myself or you, that this will be my last emotional romp in blogland
After all  Birony was right when she quoted

"“When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions”




But it will the last for now....

Out

I needed to get out of the village this afternoon.
After giving William a painkiller and three cocktail sausages, I settled him down for a sleep on my bed then washed my face, shaved donned a clean shirt ( not one of my Walking Dead T shirts) and took myself out to a busier place.
I did some banking, saw a financial advisor , gossiped with Nu briefly and bought a quality newspaper which I read cover to cover as I treated myself to lunch at a sweet little coffee shop staffed by an even sweeter bearded barista
No big shakes.
No company
No angst conversations
Just a little moment where I felt a tad more f*cking human

Update

We have just returned from the vets after a check up.
Blind eye ok, one tooth lost, very sore all over.
Treatment rest, painkillers, 8 mini cocktail sausages
Hey ho
I'm off to bed for a sleep

William RTA

Early yesterday evening William was hit by a car.
He'd slipped his lead on his early evening walk, and ambled into the road as I was grappling with the other dogs' by the back gate
He walked three steps into the road, his blind eye to the upcoming traffic which never really comes...
But this time  it did come...
The small hatchback car stopped only a half inch too short. It was a good natured young man from down Cwm Road
And William was knocked over with a yelp.
The boy went white
My heart broke but my nursing head took over.
The boy in the car held the dog's leads as I rushed the old boy into the kitchen to check him over on the kitchen top.
He shook like a leaf, had some bleeding from his nose and mouth and clung to me fearfully but all of his limbs and abdomen looked alright and after we all eventually returned to my living room chair  he lay on my knee like for an absolute age, like a floppy shocked baby.....As I cried,a few grateful tears
I'm sick of this bad luck,
But at this time of typing , old William is fine, and sleeping a grateful sleep.

Everyone's got an Opinion

Someone from the village stopped me today with a " is it true?" comment....you know the sort....with a head tilt and an overly sympathetic smile.
She was just being nosey.
I could have punched her in the face until her eyes popped out
Instead I answered the question vaguely , giving what I thought were good enough non verbals for the conversation to be shut down.
It wasn't
" When I broke up with my first husband!" She droned "I went a bit wild and got myself dating half the single men at work " 
" And several of the married  guys so I've heard" 
(I didn't say it but I oh so wanted to)
" Get yourself out there and kiss a few frogs" she suggested
" I'm doing the fastest zip wire in the world,  joined a choir and got a part time job will that do?" I told her
She wasn't impressed

Bog Story

A benign post today
The plumber is presently lying on the bathroom floor with his face up the U bend
Winnie is  lying parallel with her face inches from his
I can hear him explaining what he's doing and no doubt she is all ears.
She's in total rapture as she has already had a mooch through his extensive  toolbox and almost swooned at the sight of his shiny new boiler suit.
" The pipes are all in the wrong position " the plumber explained when I took him a cup of tea and plate of custard creams  " You may need another pan" 
More expense, I thought with a sigh
" In the  mean time don't flop yourself down for an hour or so!"  He added passing a biscuit to Winnie who took it like Lady Grantham at high tea.
Perhaps he suspects  my habit of reading the news in situ as it were is having an undesired effect on the  polcelain

That reminds me its fat club this afternoon,

Baba Yetu

Enjoy

I've arranged to meet with the community Choir in nearby Gwaenysgor 

next week! 

I'm going to sing!