" oh hello...hello....treble hello!"

 I guess it won't be a surprise to anyone when I say that I have not really watched many straight porn films. When I say porn, for the sake of this blog entry, I actually mean 1970s soft porn.... You know the sort of " movie" that used to be shown in the tiny odeon cinema number three in Rhyl as a second feature to Blazing Saddles where a mullet haired Robin Asquith rolled about in suds with a succession of bored middle aged housewives.

Today, I felt as though I had been transported back to one of those movies.

I was in the middle of going house to house in " The Marian" selling raffle tickets ( for those that don't know " The Marian" is a collection of houses half a mile East of the Village) when I bumped into my very good friend " mad as a box of frogs" Eirlys , who runs a poultry farm there. After buying some tickets herself and after asking me to show her how to use her new mobile phone, she suggested that I visit a huge newly built house across the road in order to get rid of more raffle tickets.

She watched as I crossed the road , entered the garden and knocked on the door.
An attractive blonde woman in a skimpy bath towel answered the door with a smile
I gulped..........
Waved my raffle tickets in a silly embarrassed way......
And made profuse apologies before backing off
The woman told me to stop and said she would gladly buy some and disappeared to find some change
I could hear Eirlys laughing from across the road
When the woman returned , still in the towel, I tried to make light conversation without looking at her
" you have a lovely garden" I said pointing at her blooms" " have you thought of entering it into the flower show?"
" do you really think I should ?"  She said slightly breathlessly " my back garden is MUCH  nicer"
" is it really? " I squeaked
" it is" said the woman, adjusting her towel
She smiled and added
" would you like to have a look at it?"

And there the 1970s sex scene finished


The woman. As it turned out was a keen gardener, and was justifiably proud of her raised borders which were a real treat
And as Eirlys watched , slightly perplexed by the whole affair , I disappeared through the back gate for a delightful tour of the most delightful of  gardens.........

Hey ho

Eirlys .and her big cockerel

PS and Thank You

It's a day for thank you's

Thank you to Chania over at Razmataz

http://razmatazblog.blogspot.co.uk

For the raffle prizes she sent over for The Trelawnyd Flower Show

It is incredibly kind of you to support us

*

Also a big thank you to Peter Ellis and " mad as a box of frogs" Eirlys Dutton

for selling extra raffle tickets for me

Thank you to the unknown villager who left us a bag of fresh garden peas

On the kitchen wall

And thank you to affable despot Jason, who walked down with a box 

of sugar puffs for the animals

The sheep have gone absolutely gaga over them

So much so...that they ate so many of them in one go

I had to get them a bucket of water to hydrate their mouths again

Cack Handed

I now have one Greta Garbo cheekbone

Out on the bike yesterday ( by myself- how's THAT for turning over a new leaf?)

I over wobbled on a slow manoeuvre and had a bit of a mishap with a bit of undergrowth

Co-ordination has never been one of my strengths

Undeterred ....I will be out and about again this afternoon

Don't forget the quiet one....

Sometimes the quiet child in a family needs some 1 to 1  time

Overshadowed by 2 needy Welsh terriers

and a somewhat excitable and hyperventilating bulldog bitch, who constantly swings her titties,

George sometimes gets his good natured nose pushed out of shape

Not that he minds much, he's used to it

as even Albert is higher in the canine pecking order, than he is...

And so

When I picked him up from the groomers' today

I bought him a packet of pork luncheon meat from Sainsbury's 

And whilst sitting on my lap in the car park

happily watching the shoppers going in and out with their trolleys

He very slowly ate the flipping lot
All .......to himself.....

8 Miles out

Ok picture the scene
Dr Chris- professional trainers, breathable lightweight trendy running jacket, designer dark shades
                Moustache immaculate....looking like the middle aged Athelete around town
Nurse John- grubby t shirt, knackered trainers, chicken shit stained combat pants ...looking like Rosie O'Donnell before she was famous

Off we went on cycle ride number two..this time an 8 mile round robin following the River Elwy down to the new harbour west of Rhyl.

I did contemplate inserting some ladies sanitary towels into my undies as further cushioning

( this had been suggested by an experienced cycle rider we know)

But in the end my arse coped quite will with the 8 mile jaunt

We stopped halfway for a coffee 

( look at Dr Chris not a bead of perspiration in sight)

And had a look at the harbour view

Then we cycled back up the riverside

And I must admit ,I rather enjoyed myself...

The only slightly embarrassing thing that happened was that I broke wind rather loudly

when trying to change the gears before negotiating a troublesome cattle grid 

My Arse

My first time on a bike for 40 years

A five mile or so jaunt along the Dyserth to Prestatyn Cycleway.

I could just about cope with the balancing bit,

But my arse now feels as though it's been beaten into shape 

by a pair of steel butterpats

Saddlebags

Part of Chris' mid life crisis is a slight obsession with exercise

 Tomorrow he is buying us matching bikes

I have not ridden a bike for over 4o years

God in Heaven Help me!

He's forgotten I'm slightly dyspraxic 

A pinch and a punch for the first of the month…a slap and a kick for being so quick!

 * the video has little to do with the text but it gives food for thought on so many levels

I wonder if the one off "slap across the chops" for lewd and "lascivious" behaviour is more a product of cinematic folklore than a real social phenomenon.
Did it ever really exist?
Last night I witnessed a young woman squaring up to a young man outside a seedy bar in Rhyl.
As I stopped at the traffic lights the girl gave the bloke a couple of theatrical slaps ( to which he didn't retaliate) then launched in with a folly of kicks and punches , to which he did.
Friends of the couple then intervened before things could escalate further.

It seems that between the sexes, The Queensbury Rules no longer apply.

A few years ago, I had to deal with a patient's elderly father who became sexually "fresh" with other female visitors. The situation was complicated by the fact that the man in question was non English speaking, An Iraqi citizen and a guest of the British Government.
He also had little respect for any female nurse he came into contact with.
The situation came to a head when the relative  tried to grope one of the  ward nurses as she was in the middle of a nursing procedure. The nurse, an assertive Yorkshire girl, turned around and instinctively punched him hard on the jaw. A punch that had his Keffiyeh flying against the wall and had him sitting dazed and confused upon the floor.
He was still crying into his beard when I came lumbering into the room

From that moment, until he was returned  to Iraq a couple of weeks later we never heard  another peep out of him.