Albert's Stiffy

I was just about to go to bed tonight.
( BBC's " Crimewatch" had sufficiently depressed me so)
When I watched Albert walking in to the darkened living room after an energetic burst through the catflap
His gammy leg must have been bothering him and he was limping, and after his usual head rubbing with each of the dogs in turn, he sat in front of the fire next to Meg, and stretched his right rear leg out stiffly before him in the heat of the stove.
Gently Meg picked her head up, leant forward, and started to lick his obviously hot knee as Albert shut his eyes peacefully.
They sat like that for some minutes
It's the nicest thing I've seen all day

Albert showing his stiff right back leg a few nights ago

Bosoms stripped, Bosoms Refilled & Little Ass Kicker Stays

French beans gone. Cauliflower seedlings gone. Cabbage seedlings gone. Sprouts gone. Kale gone.
All gone
Only the broad beans, onions, potatoes, leeks and peppers are left.
Bosoms have been stripped.
Over the weekend a local, who will remain nameless, gave bosoms a visit and forgot to shut the allotment gate. Subsequently the sheep have had a field day ( literally) and have eaten everything in sight
Hey ho

This afternoon , I have spent up the entirety of my birthday garden vouchers and have restocked up on cabbage, kale, sprouts, French beans and the like . All afternoon I have planted out hopeful rows of veg, watched from a discreet distance by the sheep and by the new diminutive cockerel who has been named as " little ass kicker" for his ability to " giving it large"

Guess where that name came from?

Little Ass Kicker  lords it over the Ukrainian village

Chester Zoo

The only photo I took.....in the butterfly house

We went to Chester Zoo today, which turned out to be a strangely melancholic affair. The zoo in undeniably animal focused now, with it's wonderfully green and spacious enclosures, but instead of the formal gardens, stunning flower beds and English country house feel with the add on of a zoo , I experienced and loved  as a child, the place is now more like a Jurassic Park themed movie set, complete with " jungle" fencing and bamboo everywhere!
Hey ho

I'm fucked

TAKEN FROM THE DAILY TELEGRAPH 2010

"Brits' sense of humour fails at the age of 52, study finds

'Victor Meldrew Syndrome’, when adults become more grumpy than happy, kicks in at the ripe old age of 52, scientists have found

It is then that both men and women begin to suffer a sharp decline in their sense of humour and get increasingly grumpy, according to scientists at the University of Glamorgan.

Victor Meldrew knows that being curmudgeonly is a comfort

The study also backed the long held belief, epitomised by Meldrew, that older men are grumpier than women – four times grumpier in fact, for those in their sixties.

Researcher Dr Lesley Harbidge of Glamorgan University said: "The Lifetime of Laughter Scale shows that there really is a law of diminishing returns when it comes to laughter.

"We laugh twice as much in our teens as we do in our fifties. And our findings suggest that it's all downhill from 52.”

The study found that while an infant can laugh aloud as many as 300 times every day, life rapidly becomes far less fun."

Dr Harbridge is a twat

I have just opened 16 cards ( thank you bloggers who sent me one btw....the postman had great fun sorting out the vague addresses) ......received two garden vouchers, 2 T shirts, 3 smart shirts, three pairs of pants, a small wooden chicken, and tickets to see 12 Angry Men

And although it is only 08.35 and I have not even finished my first cup of coffee as yet

I HAVE SMILED THREE TIMES ALREADY!
Mind you...one of those were as a direct result of an overly large bowel movement

So read that and weep Harbridge........you smug cow

Cheap

I have a good friend who has the same birthday as I do
Today I received this email from him

Hi JG

Thank you for the small package that arrived this morning. I shall open it tomorrow. I am hopeful that its diminutive size does not reflect its value, although given the hastily-prepared package and careless handwriting, I suspect I will need (as usual) to prepare for a soupçon of disappointment.

He knows me so well

I sent him a tin of this from Tesco

I am such a cheapskate

It's a lovely sunny afternoon

I've been  picking flowers from the churchyard 

Before the council workmen mow the lawns

Pea Green Pants

I have two pairs of good trousers and one of those now has a couple of butter marks on the leg from when I chomped down too hard on  a bovril bagel the other morning.
Chris despairs at my lack of sartorial elegance.
He is also worried sick that I will turn up at his conference in Stockholm looking like a cross between Snoopy's Pig Pen and  Worzel Gummidge and so , for my birthday ( which is on Sunday BTW!) , he took me to Cheshire Oaks to kit me out with some new duds!
Now I usually hate clothes shopping.....but I did enjoy being treated........
I especially liked my new pea green pants!.......I look like a chubby leprechaun in them!
Move over Patrick Grant

Private Eye

It was a quiet night at Samaritans this evening....not a bad thing all told
My colleague gave me one of his Private Eye Magazines to read
It's  been an age since I've looked at one.
In the classified section I noticed this typical but awfully sad personal ad, presumably looking for financial support

24 y/o, Underemployment, illness, debt,pregnancy. Trying to stay nice.........

the lives people live.....eh?
Hey ho  

In The Street & Bastard Arrives

My favourite photo of vintage Trelawnyd

The junior football team in the school field in the 1940s

Three of the team still live in the village

Suddenly, you will notice something important and it will stop you in your tracks.
The other day, when I was out delivering eggs, I walked down chapel street next to the Memorial Hall and was confronted by affable despot Jason's two little girls out on their bikes.
As usual they waved , showed off the tassels on the their handlebars  and made a fuss of the dogs before being joined by two slightly older children out on their bikes.
The four of them scooted back and forth down the small lane,a lane which is not even a hundred yards long.
I spied Jason by his gate, he was watching over his girls.
He puffed out his cheeks as if to say, it was hard work keeping a Vigil over the kiddies and as the girls weaved their merry way back and forth on Chapel Street , I suddenly thought how rare a sight it is to see children in the street anymore.
" it feels like a proper village" I called over.
And I meant it
Jason's recollections of the incident, seem to be quite different

jason11:54 am

I was peacefully sat there watching the Marsh Warblers swooping in my neighbours undercroft, gaily listening to the " hits from the blitz" album I bought at aunt fannies table sale ....the children were playing conkers on the road and suddenly he just launched at me ....terrified I was ....terrified I tell ya

anyway speaking of bastards

This little psychopath has suddenly appeared on the field this morning. Not seven inches high, and as full as much bile as a UKIP EMP he has ran around the Ukrainian village karate kicking everything in sight.
Bugger alone knows where he has come from

I caught the little bastard briefly after he was effectively held down by one of he geese, but he caught me a stabbing blow on the outer edge of my wrist with one of his spurs, a stab that had arterial blood spurting in a sweet little arc over my head.
I am presently typing this with a tea towel wrapped around my hand, my feet raised up on a cushion and with a large mug of sweet tea to hand.