Ex Battery Hen

Oh. I am a battery hen, on me back there's not a germ,

I never scratched a farmyard, and I never pecked a worm,

I never had the sunshine, to warm me feathers through,

Eggs I lay. Every day. For the likes of you.

When you has them scrambled, piled up on your plate,

It's me what you should thank for that, I never lays them late,

I always lays them reg'lar, I always lays them right,

I never lays them brown, I always lays them white.

But it's no life, for a battery hen, in me box I'm sat,

A funnel stuck out from the side, me pellets comes down that,

I gets a squirt of water, every half a day,

Watchin' with me beady eye, me eggs roll away.

I lays them in a funnel, strategically placed,

So that I don't kick 'em and let them go to waste,

They rolls off down the tubing, and up the gangway quick,

Sometimes I gets to thinkin' "That could have been a chick!"

I might have been a farmyard hen, scratchin' in the sun,

There might have been a crowd of chicks, after me to run,

There might have been a cockerel fine, to pay us his respects,

Instead of sittin' here till someone comes and wrings our necks.

I see the Time and Motion clock, is sayin' nearly noon,

I 'spec me squirt of water, will come flyin' at me soon,

And then me spray of pellets, will nearly break me leg,

And I'll bite the wire nettin' and lay one more bloody egg

This single old battery hen was dropped off to me this morning

The last survivor of a batch of 6

Retiring in the sun

Me thinks

Rhymes With Bank

I love little moments of surrealism

Tonight was a case in point

We were doing " sex calls" during Samaritan training

And one trainer, who is a serious sounding and very elderly lady

Lent forward in her chair and said very very slowly

" Sometimes all the caller wants to hear .......is the word .....WANK!"

I looked at my fellow trainee with eyes like a bush baby

And we didn't stop laughing until we had to break for tea

Inner Voices

Most people employ their " inner voice" during their everyday, ordinary lives, do they not? It's not there very often,in many instances it is ignored but it can surface in the oddest situations to niggle at your psyche with a gnawing toothache kind of intensity.
Years ago I remember glancing at a seriously ill patient who had a visitor. On the surface, the scene was a moving one. Unconscious patient and partner who was moping a brow and holding a hand.out of concern and love.
It was just a glance, but in the briefest of moments I felt that something was not quite right. I felt uneasy.My inner voice screamed out that something was wrong even though what I saw was a perfectly reasonable scene . I remember saying to a colleague right then and there that something was not quite right and a year or so later it came to my attention that the relationship between that visitor and the patient was indeed an abusive and a violent one .
Last week I met another couple. The older more vocal partner answered a question that was directed a his younger partner and again my inner voice gave me a sharp slap in the face, so much so that I made a point of directing my conversation directly and pointedly to the younger guy. Again something didn't quite feel right , and all this surfaced during the most " innocent" of social interactions.
Years ago, I remember having a conversation with a police detective who could " smell a bad 'un" out of a crowded room. Another colleague who worked as an alcohol counsellor often referred to emotional " colours" she felt when she met people, Colours that described the person's internal   Personality to her.....
In each case " gut feeling" more often than not was right.

Now, where am I going with all this?
Well I shall tell you
This morning I needed to give Russell, the gander , some medication, and I wanted to confine him to quarters as his limp has gotten a little worse
Usually the big fella finds me hateful but today, as I moved him, he was watchful, quiet and almost gentle. It was almost as though he knew that I was there to help him.
Was his inner voice which knew I meant him no harm at work? Did he pick up on my benign " emotional colour"? Did his peanut sized brain latch on to my caring nature?
Or was he just too uncomfortable to be arsed to honk at me
Whatever the reason
He took the tablet

Roll On October

A deleted scene from series three

Carol you big cow you

3pm Blues

My father-in-law with shadow Meg

It's three pm in the afternoon and there's not a child in the house washed
Didn't that old Irish BBC broadcaster Terry Wogan used to say something similar on radio 2 in the mornings?
Anyhow, I have fed and watered the father-in-law, then taken him to the station in readiness for his long journey back to Kent, then I bought animal feed from the wholesalers, took Russell the gander to the vets with an inflamed knee, walked the dogs, and sorted the return of some of the Flower Show Cups in  readiness for the show.
I still feel I am on catch up

I think this year will be my last Flower Show as Chairman. It saddens me that entries are dwindling somewhat, and I think I may be ultimaetly better served concentrating on entering my own exhibits rather than trying to cajole and " bully "others to enter theirs , trying to do both is sometimes a little too much, especially as I am organising the open allotment day single handedly
At the end of the day the whole experience has to be fun .
I will give the subject some thought
I am having an off day today me thinks

Cuties

This is a cute doggie follow up post

A bit of a sweet bookend to my previous " bowel obsessed" entry.

The little fella on the left is my sister's new puppy

She is looking for a Scottish sounding name for him 

But can't quite make her mind up

She asked me to post a photo of him in the hope that someone could come up with the ideal name

So

Any ideas?

Speaking of cute pictures

Here is a photo of Poppy

A three year old bulldog bitch 

Whose owner is looking to re home

It was emailed to me today

Hey ho

Ablutions

The cottage is a little crowded at the moment. Father in law is visiting for a week, so there are minor but not drastic hold ups with passing on the stairs and with the bathroom.
This morning was a case in point.
While I was collecting yesterday's eggs and setting up the feeders early doors, I was " caught short" with my early morning need for a " number two".... Now I could have ambled my way over to the cottage to face the possibility of the inevitable queue for the bog, or I could throw caution to the wind , sneak behind the goose house and have a crafty dump in the dawn sun.
I chose the latter
Now, I don't know if any reader will have experienced this, but squatting in what is effectively a farmyard environment can be fraught with  difficulty.
Firstly, every animal for a hundred yards, will see you doing something that they have not witnessed before and so will amble over to see if the activity involves food
And secondly when they eventually " get there" they seem overly fascinated with the " processes" that are afoot.
Seconds after I started , I counted 14 chickens, all of the geese, Bingley, one brave Indian runner and both  sheep standing in a rough semicircle around me . I couldn't have  brought more attention to myself if I had waved a Welsh Flag on a long pole and sang " calon lan" at the top of my voice
Thank goodness I don't suffer from constipation

I was all done and dusted before the rest of the duck flock and the cockerel stragglers appeared.

Celine Dion Eat Your Heart Out

It's cheesy

But here's another song I am having at my funeral

Off to Peter's birthday now after a day shift

( Peter is judging the " name the Turkey competition )