Sunday, 4 August 2013

Ablutions


The cottage is a little crowded at the moment. Father in law is visiting for a week, so there are minor but not drastic hold ups with passing on the stairs and with the bathroom.
This morning was a case in point.
While I was collecting yesterday's eggs and setting up the feeders early doors, I was " caught short" with my early morning need for a " number two".... Now I could have ambled my way over to the cottage to face the possibility of the inevitable queue for the bog, or I could throw caution to the wind , sneak behind the goose house and have a crafty dump in the dawn sun.
I chose the latter
Now, I don't know if any reader will have experienced this, but squatting in what is effectively a farmyard environment can be fraught with  difficulty.
Firstly, every animal for a hundred yards, will see you doing something that they have not witnessed before and so will amble over to see if the activity involves food
And secondly when they eventually " get there" they seem overly fascinated with the " processes" that are afoot.
Seconds after I started , I counted 14 chickens, all of the geese, Bingley, one brave Indian runner and both  sheep standing in a rough semicircle around me . I couldn't have  brought more attention to myself if I had waved a Welsh Flag on a long pole and sang " calon lan" at the top of my voice
Thank goodness I don't suffer from constipation

I was all done and dusted before the rest of the duck flock and the cockerel stragglers appeared.

53 comments:

  1. I recognise the effect my appearance has on assorted farm animals/birds - all dash up to make sure they are not missing anything eatable. As for having a quick 'squat' behind the henhouse or wherever - I am afraid my arthritic knees make such escapades a thing of the past. Can't say I am sorry - my visits to the loo usually involve a pleasant read!

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  2. my cats like to be with me in the bathroom for any and all activities. but you don't see ME staring at them whilst they use their litter box...

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  3. I remember squatting directly onto a thistle. Which cemented my love of the loo.

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  4. I squatted on a stinging nettle once ( it was dark ) I was working in Antigua and when complained I'd been stung but not saying exactly where, was offered a slice of Aloe leaf to rub on the spot !

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  5. Oh how to cheer a girl up on a very wet Sunday morning! I often have to wee in the woods on our dogwalks and its a race against time before Boy realises what I'm doing and starts to add his "two pennorth" to what he obviously thinks is me marking MY territory! (For anyone wondering, "Boy" is the boringly stupid name of my rescue Bedlington terror!)

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  6. Well, at least your flock now knows that you too are an animal.

    Being of a practical bent two questions, John: Toilet paper? Washing your hands?

    Remember tenting in the wilderness of Corsica, close to the beach, hinterland, not a soul in sight. Vegetation being coarse, prickly and short. Nowhere to hide. So you had to walk forever to vanish from view of the other four. My friends and I (age 18/19) taking turns venturing out, toilet roll in hand. We left a vast acreage behind dotted with white bits of tissue.

    From an existentialist point your observation excellent: Why, after a certain age, do we find it so hard to crap in front of someone else? I know the answer. And have to say, and it's a terrible reflection on me: One of the reasons I have never committed a crime because I can't imagine sharing a prison cell and a bucket with someone else. Give me solitary detention any time.

    U

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    Replies
    1. Tissue in pocket and
      ......
      Hand washing?

      That's only when I am atwork

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  7. It doesn't happen often but when it does Elsie is very bemused.

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  8. The really sad thing about this story is that for quite a lot of your menagerie, the event DID involve food.

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  9. I too am wondering about toilet paper? Did you use a dock leaf?

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  10. Oh, what a story to read just while I happened to be eating egg and lettuce sarnies!

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  11. Bingley probably thought he was looking at a frisky young hen turkey. Good job your trews were back up before he could follow his basic instinct.

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  12. All animals seem to have coprophiliac tendencies. Were there flies buzzing around? That's my fear in such situations....insect cavity invasion........argh!

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  13. Ew! I really mean... EW! Two toilets minimum are a requirement where I live. And, no, I've never experienced squatting in a farmyard environment. EW!!!

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  14. I wouldn't have been able to perform for such a large audience.

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    Replies
    1. Oncea show gal
      Always a show gal

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    2. I laughed as i read the entry and laughed harder still at your reply, John.

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  15. I think tea just came out of my nose when I snorted with laughter.

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  16. The images that came to mind! Not often that I have a belly laugh so early in the morning.

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  17. Which bird took the photo? Or was it one of the sheep??

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  18. Mosquitoes are the problem here.
    Jane x

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  19. When I first moved here (42 years ago) INDOOR facilities were rare. In the mushroom season it was not uncommon to suddenly see a bright white moon amongst the undergrowth where someone had a similar necessity as yourself. Thankfully most now have modern facilities.

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    Replies
    1. I am beginning to regret sharing the story

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  20. Aw geez, thanks for the morning laugh. You paint quite the picture, Jon. It's a good thing you don't place an overly amount of importance on privacy while attending to what one would ordinarily consider a private endeavor, because with all those critters, you ain't gonna get it. (Just be careful which leaves you use to wipe your bum!)

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    Replies
    1. It was just 6am.....on a sunday

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  21. Why do you keep doing this too me!!!! Laughed the toast right out!!!!!

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  22. Nothing like an audience...

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  23. Where the animals impressed ?

    cheers, parsnip

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  24. Tee hee!

    I came home from vacation with poison ivy in a rather uncomfortable spot....no witnesses though.

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  25. John, how on earth did you get Yorkshire Pudding's underpants?

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  26. omg those animals are ruined for life!

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  27. Another LOL moment - dang, you're good at this

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  28. Too bad you couldn't pull up a log to squat against. Easier on old knees.

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    Replies
    1. I have been learning all about " squatting styles"

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  29. Hahahahaha!!!!!!
    Either kept the odd looker from seeing you, or pointed the way.
    Hehe.
    Have an interesting Sunday, John. :-)

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  30. As soon as I read, 'caught short' and could've ambled to the cottage, I started laughing, knowing what you were going to do. If any future incidents occur, I've found a small, thin tree trunk is best to hang onto whilst pinching a loaf.

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  31. it will be interesting to say the least on what your statistics will be after this blog post of yours?

    and being a professional dumper (i have been paid while dumping in the woods, since I am a bonafide timber cruiser)I must admit chickens in close proximity would intimidate me over a black bear or bull elk any day...

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  32. Wild pigs were a problem in the woods of Germany, I just knew one would take a charge at me before I was ready to stand up.

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  33. Now then, on a walk on one of the Three Peaks in the Yorkshire Dales, I needed to politely answer a call of nature. A ditch was found, Mr O was on 'look-out duty' and I duly answered the call (it wasn't the same call that you answered, John) I was quite shocked to see some litter in the ditch, so being a civic member of society, picked it up to take it off the hill. Thank you very much, whoever it was that had a £20 note in their back pocket! Drinks were on me....

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  34. Once again I wonder just why and how you are not a movie???

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  35. Soon as I saw the photo, the signal behind the barricade, I couldn't help it: Captain! Captain! The rear's been wiped out!

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  36. Still working on casting Going Gently, the sitcom. In this case, it could be the name of an episode as well ;-)

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  37. It's time you publish your memoirs John.

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  38. HILARIOUS! I am still wiping the tears from my eyes! The picture made me roar with laughter! It really tickled my funny bone...but I have a perverted sense of humor...comes from a large family with four brothers.

    I am following you because I LOVE your humor and the way you weave your words so articulately.

    I have Welsh, Irish, Norwegian, Pennsylvania Dutch and German ancestry.

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  39. LOL, all you needed to complete the audience was a bus load of tourists!

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  40. Just make sure the dogs don't find it and roll in it, proudly arriving home for Dad to see.

    LLX

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  41. i have to update my bucket list!

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