A snake bites you out of nowhere and instead of immediately trying to suck out the poison, instead of rushing to heal yourself, instead of getting to safety, you chase after the snake.You run after it.
You are trying to find out why it bit you!
You want to tell it that you didn’t deserve that!
You want an apology.
You want an explanation, instead of thinking My God , I’ve been bitten. I’ve been poisoned, I need to fix this right away or it’s going to kill me
Right now you are staring at this snake thinking Seriously , why would you do this to me? I didn’t deserve that !
You are arguing with a snake!
Like the snake suddenly owes you honesty.
Like it owes you closure!
While its venom is spreading through your body with every second you waste. That’s exactly what we do with people that hurt us.
We chase explanations instead of just accepting that the bite has already happened and we have to save ourselves first. We think if we can just understand the why the pain will somehow hurt less, that if we can get them to explain themselves, we will feel better about it . But the truth is, knowing the reason doesn’t remove the venom from your body.
It never has.
Some snakes bite because that is what snakes do. Not because you deserved it , not because you caused it, not because you could have stopped it if you had been a better version of yourself.
Healing begins when you stop chasing the snake.
You don’t need an explaination to heal.
You need acceptance.
You need distance,
And you need the strength to walk away.
Before the poison finishes what it started.
And some people are just venomous.
ReplyDeleteDamaged
DeleteI get what you are saying but you have to know why in order to prevent it from happening again even if it simply means staying out of range. Other reasons may be easy to remedy. It won't erase the past but can prevent future pain.
ReplyDeleteThe why often never comes that’s the sticking point
DeleteI am sure we all have had a ‘friend’ like the snake you describe, hard as it was to accept the situation I did walk away and accepted that it really was not my fault, took a while to feel comfortable but hey- ho. Jan in Castle Gresley
ReplyDeleteI’ve been in this situation 8 years ago and I wasted so much energy and time and sadness trying to find apologies and reasons
DeleteSad
DeleteSorry luv we don't do it like that down under.. Kill the bastard stone dead if you can or tend to the bite immediately...no talking !
ReplyDeleteOne way of coping
DeleteIntriguing metaphor but I think there is a lot more to this story.
ReplyDeleteThe use of “ snake” may be unhelpful
DeleteI knew what you meant and your words paint a very clear picture, but if I was your client I d be entirely distracted by the pragmatic issue that snakes do not exhibit the behavior you attribute.
DeleteI think i've heard this somewhere before or something like it.. I can so relate to this behavior especially in my younger days... I'm a little wiser now or so i believe.. I haven't been tested like this in a long while.. how desperately you can NEED to know the why... HUGS for whatever is going on with you.. deb
ReplyDeleteThe need to know is essentially so human
DeleteI hope this post was because of your counselling and not because someone has "bitten" you. Anyway, I think it's good advice. We can't stop the bite, but we can mitigate the damage it does. xx
ReplyDeleteNo I used the metaphor recently to good effect , but I understand it completely
DeleteYou've got it. Very wise. -Kate
ReplyDeleteIt clarifys quite a few behavioural go tos
DeleteYou forgot to mention that sometimes people will chase after the snake because of what it's attached to; poison comes in so many forms.
ReplyDeleteAnd that chasing the snake is a behaviour of habit
DeleteThanks for that. Given me some ideas to ponder.
ReplyDeleteBonnie in Minneapolis
It’s a fable
Delete100%
ReplyDelete🙏❤️🌈
DeleteBrilliant! Taking this to heart, thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt’s an interesting story that a couple of my clients have found helpful
DeleteYou know what else I don't think we need to do?
ReplyDeleteForgive. Not in some cases. I just don't.
I get that my friend x
DeleteSo very true. Kindness is the cure and it's free!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Kindness to one’s self yes, I don’t particularly supports forgiveness
DeleteThat's a great way of looking at it! I've always related to 'let go or be dragged' but this is also very helpful. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteIt puts the power right back with the “ wronged” person
DeleteSo very true.
ReplyDeleteCommon sense when it’s written down in a story
DeleteOK. OK. But once I’m better, can we go back out, find that snake, and get some satisfaction? No questions asked.
ReplyDeletelol how gay
DeletePoor snakes being the bad guys: "Snakes do not attack humans out of pure aggression or malice. They are strictly defensive animals that view humans as massive predators. A snake will only strike as a last resort when it feels cornered, startled, or directly threatened (e.g., being stepped on or handled). Human snakes however...[yes I know this is a metaphor. Wondering who/ what has upset you.]
ReplyDeleteYes Lizzy , I regret the use of wrong type of animal ,,,perhaps a poisonous plant would have been a better and more useful metaphor
DeleteInteresting metaphor and as a therapist you are pointing out it’s all about how we re react to others and experiences
ReplyDeleteLee
It’s ALL about how WE react dearest Lee
DeleteThe old remedy in Hardy’s Return of the Native, was to kill, chop up, and fry the snake and apply its fat to the bite.
ReplyDeleteIt didn’t work, but it must have been rather satisfying.
The snake was a metaphor , but you knew that right?
DeleteSome experiences are inevitable and so are other peoples "snake-like" behaviour when they lie, manipulate, avoid accountability and disregard others feelings.
ReplyDeleteSome people hurt you not because of something you did… but because of who they are. But it's natural to crave" the why" and seek "closure".
We grow up believing closure comes from the other person. The person who hurt you may
Not understand their own actions, not care about your feelings, avoid responsibility, give half-truths, blame you, or disappear entirely.
At what cost? Chasing closure becomes destructive...
What you want is relief from the constant rumination of when your mind replays the same painful event over and over, searching for meaning, leading to mental heal health issues.
Emotional pain activates many of the same brain areas as physical pain.
Your nervous system interprets rejection as danger. Wanting answers is normal, acting on every urge is optional.
Healing is not dramatic. It’s quiet and often uncomfortable. “Why” keeps you trapped in the past. “What now?” moves you forward.
Healing accelerates when triggers decrease. Distance isn’t weakness. It’s treatment.
Your body needs calm before your mind can heal. Slow breathing, walking in nature, healthy food and good sleep, talking to someone supportive. You’re not just healing thoughts — you’re calming your nervous system.
You don’t need them to understand your pain for it to be valid. You don’t need their explanation to make sense of your experience.
You can decide what you learned, what you’ll do differently next time, what behaviors you’ll never tolerate again.
This is empowerment, not denial.
What strength is this building?
What boundaries is this teaching?
What illusions is this breaking?
What path is this redirecting me toward?
Pain doesn’t automatically create growth. But reflection with forward movement can.
I'm a domestic violence survivor - My ex. nearly killed me for leaving him.
This is a comprehensive comment and one worth reading twice. “Snake” is perhaps an incorrect metaphor as it is often a nickname to a male protagonist in a relationship split.
DeleteWhat the post concentrates on is the bite…perhaps the animal used could have been a cat or dog or mouse
Ps “ We grow up believing closure comes from the other person. The person who hurt you may
DeleteNot understand their own actions, not care about your feelings, avoid responsibility, give half-truths, blame you, or disappear entirely.”
This paragraph is important and insightful
I knew the "why" for my ex's "snake-like" behaviour. He crushed my boundaries because he needed to control me and everything in my life, whilst refusing to let me leave him.
DeleteThe goal at that time wasn’t to understand the poison... I didn’t need his apology to move forward or answers/reasons. I've always been emotionally resilient, and quietly, I had started to redirect my path for a year before I left him.
That was when my peace arrived and the "why" stop controlling me.
It’s was to survive it and heal. Run to safety, "treat the wound", protect my energy, and let the "snake" go - Which I did.
Being on your own and healing is the answer
DeleteGreat words of wisdom!
ReplyDeleteWalk away and do not look back.
I was brought up to have zero tolerance for being treated poorly and this also serves me well.
Unfortunately children from sad and abusive childhoods often are used to such treatments
DeleteA lot of people chase the snake expecting it to answer for its attack when there really is no answer; it was programmed to attack.
ReplyDeleteIt did what it does
DeleteI needed this today of all days, thank you.
ReplyDeleteCan I help more?
DeleteThank you, I just had a court case finish, your words were a soothing balm. Many thanks.
DeleteThat’s a really powerful metaphor, thank you. I wish I had known this years ago, I had to learn it the hard way.
ReplyDeleteWe all have dearHeart
DeleteThank you, this is excellent. I will it save off and put in my file for my grandson. He’s 16 at moment, not too young to possibly need the advice, but, 16. Hard for me to work into a conversation, ha ha.
ReplyDeleteMaizy
Excellent advice. I shall try to remember it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great explanation, and one to keep in mind.
ReplyDeleteSuch an important, and difficult lesson. Has taken me years, many years.
ReplyDeleteI had a group of friends, one
ReplyDeleteof whom was sarcastic and negative about most things. I can also go down that path and sometimes joined her. One day I realized I didn’t like the part of me that came out when we were together and avoided her after that. It can take time to learn to be who you want to be through trial and error.
weavinfool
Yes much truth in this I think and I have made the same mistakes as these in life. Looking for a reason where there is often no particular one and nothing will heal it except yourself and the passing of time.
ReplyDeleteIf only I'd heard this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of angst. I shall slip it in my pocket and carry it forward. Thank you. X
ReplyDeleteWise words. Charmaine
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right. Hope you are OK.
ReplyDeleteWise words. I think it's just human nature to want to know the why's and where's. The trick is to take time for yourself first, before taking the time to ask the questions you feel you need the answers to.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
ReplyDeleteYes, brilliant. Mind blowing, I’ll be pondering this for some time. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteReally poignant words , a very visible story to explain this pattern of behaviour we often have as a human being . Thank you for sharing these wise words ♥️
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. Broken people break people. You don't help them by sticking around to be damaged by them.
ReplyDeleteJohn, I have learned so much from you over the past few years. I wish I had had your bravery and courage as you coped with so much adversity. To read of your work to triumph over it all has been so inspirational! You don't realize how much good you have modeled for us!
ReplyDeleteKind xx
DeleteI agree but also feel it is worth a small amount of self reflection to answer a few questions such as "what can I learn from this and/or change about myself going forward and then be sure not to dwell on the past/hurtful experience." Grow from it and move on.
ReplyDeleteAmen
DeleteAct in haste, repent at leisure , but suffer along the way
ReplyDeleteThank you x
ReplyDeleteIt has always amazed me how much truth can be found in a folk tale, or an old fable or any work of fiction, really. Best thing is to take the lesson learned and use that wisdom to identify the snake in the future, to give it wide berth.
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, infrequent commentator here. Thank you for this and thank you also to anonymous (DV survivor). As a reader of self help manuals and the consequential cycle of ruminations your comments are of way more value.
ReplyDelete