According to psychology people that grew up with an absent father and an emotionally unstable mother learn to be strong too soon.
They got used to solving everything on their own, because no one ever taught them how to face things.
They grew up learning that asking for help was a way of bothering others.
They learned to read the room before speaking , to measure their words so they would create more chaos and to smile even when they felt broken inside.
That’s why that nowadays they find it hard to trust, hard to believe that someone could stay without hurting them.
It’s not that they don’t want to love, it’s that they are afraid of being abandoned again. They get attached but at the same time they pull away because they can’t bare to lose someone important once more, and even if they seem cold, they are only protecting the little they have left of their heart.
Psychology says that behind those strong people they’re still awaiting the day their parents come closer to give them the warmth they’ve always been searching for.
And no matter how hard they hide it, they truly want is to find someone to give them the peace they never had at home.
Research somatic healing for a dysregulated nervous system due to childhood trauma. Most self-help book and therapy focus on cognitive "healing", but that doesn't always change deep rooted behavioural patterns and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI am interested in learning more about EMD
DeleteI would say that the above also applies to people who, like me, were orphaned at a very young age. The expectation is that people will leave (or die on you).
ReplyDeleteChildren crave warmth , safety and fun…..I am lucky I had my elder sister and grandmother…….today my elder sister ( who is in her late 70s) brought me logs for my fire and cranberry juice for my bladder…..she remains my real mum
Delete¥es.
ReplyDeleteYes to everything you wrote in this post. I'm now 59 and it has been 'n long, hard struggle. Since my husband died three years ago another facet has been added, I no longer have anywhere to put the love I have inside of me. Maybe if I learn to love myself there can be some peace. Maybe.
DeleteSydney
Grief is love with no where to go
DeleteI was one of the fortunate ones, who had loving parents who nurtured me physically, emotionally and mentally. I do appreciate how lucky I am. But that makes me sad, because it makes me realise how many do not have the love and stability they need and deserve. xx
ReplyDeleteYour self awareness will allow empathy to share your balance and warmth
DeleteI know every bit of this. And even after a lot of therapy (GOOD therapy) and many years of being in true, loving relationships, there are parts of me that I know will never not be broken.
ReplyDeleteAnd there are so many of us.
And that’s good my friend , because non of us never fully heal, accepting our scars is the best we can all get xx
DeleteSending you an extra hug today ( for both of us )
DeleteHugs,
ReplyDeleteWhere are you today?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteYawn
DeleteA very timely post for me. Thank you
ReplyDeleteWelcome dearHeart
DeleteThis is a very insightful post.
ReplyDeletePatterns do repeat themselves in families.
Sometimes I think people should not have children if they cannot provide the love and support needed.
Would that work to break the cycle?
I do have women friends that chose not to have children because of their own upbringing.
Interesting comment. I respect those who unselfishly decide not to have chlldren..not because of negative childhood experiences but in the case of two that I know knew instinctively that they would not be good parents and did not want the responsibility Both are very intelligent so that probably is a contributing factor
DeleteI knew I never wanted children. Knew it at 14 and was told it was just I was young and I would change. Same at 18 when I was told when I met “the right person” I would change my mind. Well I did meet a person who has turned out to be the right person. I didn’t change my mind. He was fine with not having children. At the age of 24 I had a tubal ligation. People asked me why he didn’t have a vasectomy as it was easier. My response was I knew I never wanted children but if we separated he might meet someone who did want them. Fast forward to age 69, we are still together.
DeleteTwo interesting comments
DeleteIn my limited “ professional “ experience I have found both aspects have worked for different clients . Some feel a “cut” in the gene line separates inherited trauma, others have a powerful insight to change things themselves
Jan, thank you for that honest reply
DeleteThank you for acknowledging my comment
DeleteIt was brave
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete"Words are easy like the wind .Faithful friends are hard to find."
ReplyDelete"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."
If you wish to know the truth of existence read Shakespeare, the greatest psychologist of all time..
“My heart lies on the windy side of care” Beatrice , Much ado about nothing
DeleteBoy do I relate to this post. Father in the house but silent, a bit scary, etc. I am in my mid 70s and have reconciled the fact that I will always carry my childhood with me.
ReplyDeleteNina
Nina, we all do….we all carry scars and bite marks
DeletePeace must come from within, not rely on external relationships. And, what is ''peace'' anyway. Unattainable, if we're realistic. [no one has a perfect childhood, accept & move on...]
ReplyDeleteLizzy , yes that’s a coping mechanism that works for some but children always need proper parenting , whether that’s from parents, siblings , extended family or friends
DeleteBut NO parent is perfect, even with best intentions and so much love, it is inevitable that a parent makes mistakes. Again, a mature adult way to cope is with acceptance, not searching for peace elsewhere. It is within oneself, if it exists at all on soe level.
Delete*some* level/ typo
DeleteLizzy you most likely have had a wonderful Mother. Some of us were not so fortunate. As John says, children need proper parenting. It is not that simple to accept and move on.
DeleteChildren are clever, they grab what they need from others in their lives, ones that can do that are lucky and can balance their parents lack of parenting
DeleteJohn, I am glad you chose the word "lucky" - that's so true. Some are not so lucky and we all need to accept that even if we do not personally understand it.
DeleteXx
DeleteFreaking hell John, you have just put my life as a child and emotions since, into the words that I keep to myself always, strangely though I feel peace about it all, thanx. Jan in Castle Gresley
ReplyDeleteYes self awareness with age, often brings a certain acceptance and hopefully peace
DeletePS, I chose not to have children after seeing my mother struggle to raise us four kids in dire circumstances. Jan
ReplyDeleteJan , that’s a brave decision, are you happy with it
DeleteAbsolutely xx
DeleteOuch. Yes, that's the dynamic I was in. Thank you John, your insights are always useful. Jxx
ReplyDeleteIt’s a common dynamic , and something I’m starting to see at work ( and recognise in my own life)
DeletePopping in squire
ReplyDeleteHow are you today
I’ve emailed
Lee
Lee I found your email in my junk and will reply…today’s post is evidence that the comments are more interesting than the post itself
DeleteJohn, just caught up with your health news
ReplyDeleteMy goodness , you’ve been in the wars
Love ya
Keith
Xx
Just a bit darling x
DeletePsychology says. An interesting beginning to a an interesting discussion.
ReplyDeleteSending good wishes to you
It’s generic enough
Delete