My mother, aged 16 in 1941
I’m lucky, I guess, for in a lifetime that has spanned 63 years so far, I have had the fortune to have had three mother figures in my life.
My real mother was a drama queen. She was critical and anxious and depressed and ultimately bitter. She lacked warmth and found affection giving difficult and awkward, but she was my mother and I loved her in a dutiful way that was as exasperating as it was hard work.
My grandmother and my elder sister were the warm constants in my life. They brought laughter to a sad home life and gave me a taste and an attraction to warm people with big hearts.
They allowed me to balance my own psychi, and taught me empathy, and kindness and showed me that encouragement not criticism was the way forward .
If you are lucky you have a mom that nurtures and enables
My mother could not share that gift
But my surrogates could ……
Ps…on reflection I suspect my mother suffered from untreated PTSD before this photo was taken she was actually shot at in the streets of Liverpool when walking home from work ( the rear gunners would do that after bombing the docks ) she was also in the house when a bomb blew in the windows and when another unexploded bomb went under the kitchen floor
Yes, not all of us have been blessed with loving mothers but you have been fortunate to have your sister and grandmother to give you that affection that we all crave.
ReplyDeleteI am envious of those who have experienced that.
If it’s not there, I do think , if we can, we seek others to give us affection
DeleteWhy does it take us this many decades of life to start to really understand this? One of my grandmothers was my safe haven.
ReplyDeleteWe take a long time to be introspective
DeleteWhat's that famous quotation by Canadian poet Alden Nowlan? "The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
ReplyDeleteLove that, Debra.
DeleteI have to add, easier said than done. For me that has taken a lifetime.
DeleteYes nicely put x
DeleteThis is beautiful!
DeleteIt's taken some years of therapy for me to figure out my late mother. My wounded inner little girl self weeps for the warm and close relationship she wanted from her mom and didn't get. My healed adult self weeps for my Mom and what she never got and so needed as a child; she couldn't help but pass that on. Generational trauma. It's real.
ReplyDeleteUnderstanding and therefore hopefully forgiving our parents allows us to let go of the past
DeleteHow heartbreaking to have had a cold and difficult parent or parents but am grateful to all of the warm and caring adults who shine the light of love, approval, trust, and hope on all around them. John, how wonderful that your older sister was in your home and your grandmother was close enough to help.
ReplyDeleteDH had a horrid, crazy father and is still wounded.
Hugs!
My twin sister used to go to my grandparents on Fridays and to my elder sister all day Saturday
DeleteWe were lucky
I'm so glad that you had other mother figures to nurture you in the way that your "real" mother couldn't. I always say, that for children to thrive, they need to be happy and know they are loved. I'm sure you and your readers know this poem, but it never hurts to be reminded! xx
ReplyDeletePoem by Dorothy Law Nolte
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
I loved this x
DeleteMy Mom could often find the one little thing wrong when I tried to do something well. It always bothered me. But I know she loved me and was trying to be helpful maybe? She had a very rough life as a child and she took good care of us.
ReplyDeleteShe was probably criticised herself …patterns repeat
DeleteI believe I had many women in my life growing up who served as very loving examples of what it is to freely give love and support to a child. To make that child feel special.
ReplyDeleteIn a good way. Not a negative way. To accept that child as they are. I look back and consider these women to have been my angels, my teachers, perhaps my saviors. I have tried to be that woman to others who have needed those things, especially when it has come to those from the LGBTQ community whose parents have had difficulty in accepting who their children are. And you know what? Those encounters and relationships have given me more than I could ever have given them.
I’ve just watched The other Bennett sister , where the loveless Mary is supported by her magnificent aunt , an example you outline
DeleteI noticed this too…and the housekeeper Hils
DeleteYou were very kind to your mother, John. I’m glad you had warm relationships with your grandmother and older sister. I still have trauma from childhood due to (mostly) my mother but also had a grandmother who loved unconditionally. No child should have to grow up thinking their mother hates them.
ReplyDeleteIt was easy to be kind , when I gained insight into her sadness ….also easy because I lived 100 miles away
DeleteI'm lucky, I had a good mum. And I'm sad because I wasn't a good mum.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry you feel that
DeleteI had a mom who was lost and always looking for love.. and i got dragged along for the ride... I cannot say it was a good childhood... but i was fed, clothed and protected... so others have and had it much worse than i.. I did find love... at about 21 and have lived in it for 36 years...
ReplyDeleteX❤️🌈
DeleteYou were indeed fortunate to have had your Grandmother and sister. I had my grandparents. I was lucky too. My mother had a short lived shot gun marriage and did not want me. She did make sacrifices and provided the material things. I felt very sorry for her situation even as a child.The stories here are very sad.I wonder stastically how many families are "happy" families. It seems to me that very many are not. Interesting post
ReplyDeleteBut you shouldn’t have felt those things as a child
DeleteThat was wrong
DeleteYes, I had a mother who was a bully...but I got on well with my grandmother, her mother (she didn't..so another thing I did wrong) who was really encouraging and taught me many skills, life and otherwise.
ReplyDeleteYou seek out your own support and warmth
DeleteYes , I am the same as you John , as far as Mums go. It has taken years of counselling to come to terms with the negative impact she has had on my early and middle life . However , now I feel I’m the one in charge of how I view myself and how I live my life and it is liberating . Mum is still alive at 93yrs old and still manipulating , but encroaching dementia and frailty means she doesn’t wield the power and fear that she once did . I love my Mum, but I don’t particularly like her xx
ReplyDeleteYes, I get that, I never liked my mother much ( funnily enough this wavered when she was at her best …and that was her ability to accept a family member’s sexuality and her ability to tell a story
DeleteThere are so many things I want to say about this subject but my mind is a jumble with the many thoughts on the topic. I will leave it with - I appreciate this post and all of the brave comments. John you know who I am and where I am and that is enough.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood , sending a hug x
DeleteMy mother was not a particularly happy person. At a young age, I learned to avoid her wrath in order to get along. That said, she lost her parents when she was 5 years old. She and three other siblings were raised by maiden aunts that never intended to have children. This was not a loving household.
ReplyDeleteEarly experiences spill over. The four children had no parental role model. Each one was angry and depressed. Each one had successful careers but not particularly successful relationships. Two married and two did not.
Patterns and cycles , some maintain, some broken , if you are lucky the broken ones are the negative ones
DeleteThere's something about far too many women born at that time (not all, obviously!). Your experience matches that of many stories I've heard--bitter, overly critical, anxious women who took it out on their children. Were they profoundly disappointed, at some deep level? After all, the depression and war thoroughly upended their lives . . . and then the post-war boom didn't live up to all the promises.
ReplyDeleteMy own mother (born 1911) did not suffer from that, thankfully, despite some early tragedies in her life. Nor did my MIL (whom I never met, born 1924)--but one of her sisters (whom I knew well, born 1925) sure did.
It's all a mystery. And thank goodness for your grandmother and sister!
Yes my mother in some ways was of her time, as was my father
DeleteMy mother was a Jewish mother with a lesbian daughter….oh the friggin drama !
ReplyDeleteLee
Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
Deleteit always saddens me to hear folks having disappointing or bad parents; every child deserves such. I am glad you turned out so well and found others.
ReplyDeleteWhile it is sad that she wasn't the mother you might have chosen, gosh what happened to her during the war is shocking. Of course PTSD wasn't recognised back then,or barely.
ReplyDeleteI think experiences like that can mark a person. I am glad that you found nurturers.
ReplyDeleteMy mother, and father, were asleep in bed when a bomb fell very near their house. The whole of the exterior wall collapsed, and they were left in bed looking out at the garden, where a wall had once been. This was in Lingfield in Surrey. My sister was named after a young teacher who was killed in the same raid.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you had some good women in your life, to make up for your experiences with your mum.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you didn't have the mum you needed. I also think it's good that you have reflected on possible reasons for her behaviour. I think most of us are doing the best we can with the resources we have.
ReplyDeleteBack story: My parents’ first adopted baby was deeply wanted and loved. However the birth mother wanted it back and hadn’t signed off on all the paperwork. My mother gave that first baby back to its birth mother. It was a boy.
ReplyDeleteThen they adopted my brother. I was adopted 4 years later. I don’t think my mother ever totally trusted her heart after the first baby. She raised us ‘perfectly’, but I don’t have memories of hugs and acceptance from her. But my father made up for that.
"balance your psychi" oh dear do get over yourself John.
ReplyDeleteI always lived with my Mum being jealous of me, of my easy relationship with my Dad, my Nana and her many sisters. She couldn't seem to 'share' people. When my brother came along I went to my great-aunt and uncles house or caravan every weekend, so that she could just have my brother at home. It took me years of adulthood and learnings to see the pattern. I always used to struggle to find a Mother's Day card for her, looking for careful wording. This year for the first time I was able to just pick one up easily, it seems I have forgiven her completely now that her end is close.
ReplyDelete