Playing to an Audience

 

Playing To An Audience

Happy days on intensive care

I shared some nursing stories from over 36 years with a friend recently the funny ones made them laugh...it was nice to giggle along

• I've been assaulted several times over the years ranging from slaps and bites, one black eyed punch, one wet turd flung at the back of my head, being hit with a bag of urine which burst on impact and I've had at least 6 pairs of specs broken.
• I was hospitalised just once following a particularly nasty attack .
• I've crashed a drunken paraplegic into a ditch in his wheelchair during a panicked push back to the rehab unit from the pub during a snow storm
• Ive employed a buxom nurse’s bust as a diversion to a male patient who had a particular painful dressing
• As part of a course I was on I managed to organise a work experience placement at a series of Pittsburgh hospitals 
• I've seen 5 babies born including one that was christened Harley Davison
• I was taught to dance the veleta in 1983 in order to partner long term psychiatric patients at their Christmas do
• I have witnessed open heart cardiac massage twice, held 4 severed fingers in a vomit bowl and witnessed someone bleed to death in a few seconds from ruptured oesophageal varice
• I have sneaked a small dog into ITU  to visit her master
• I was reported by a patient in the community for saying I was working for the gas board 
• Visiting the same patient ( as above) I sat on  but didn’t injure her chihuahua
• I have dated one patient ( only after I had nursed him and he had been discharged) 
• I've dated 5 nurses ( 3women  2 men)
• I 've shagged one doctor 
• I've played myself on a tv medical documentary ( you only saw my arse)
• I have helped at least 3 couples conceive babies
• I have sat with dying patients too numerous to mention , laying them out with well practiced dignity afterwards
• I have attended perhaps a dozen funerals in and without uniform
• I have put a visitor with learning difficulties to bed ! After undressing him and putting him into pyjamas
• I have helped scores of Spinally injured men achieve an erection!
• I ( and my ward staff) have won two quality prizes for our work
• I have sat a course for looking after the newborn baby and got told off for cleaning a baby's arse under a mixer tap
• I have dropped a psychiatric patient down a fire escape
• I have cried a hundred times in a sluice, in a clinical side room or at home over a bad day
• I once kissed a policeman when I was on night duty ( 1988)
• I once shared a bed briefly with a quadraplegic when I was hungover
• I have danced on the roof of a main hospital in sheffield
• I have mentored scores of junior nurses and still keep in touch with many of them
• I once created a whole balcony garden , complete with trees in massive planters for my bedrest patients 
• I once got my arse stuck in the window of the changing room at lodge moor hospital 
• I have never fainted at work but I did vomit once after a patient threw up in my mouth during CPR ( in the old days) 
• I have loved many many many special people and been loved by a few back
• I have had the privilege to be present at more patient deaths than I could count
• A previous workmate has just added" Miss you John Gray you did forget to mention your amazing neck massages and ability to hug me and/ or scape me off the ceiling xxxo and your very fit arse!" ..thank you Shelly