A couple of years ago, I had a few dates with a guy which sort of petered out.
We were not suited, and had no chemistry , but he was a nice guy and I’m sure that the feelings were mutual, so I was surprised that he messaged me asking to go out for coffee.
It’s transpires he has oesophageal cancer, a best friend in need of hospice care and a mum in a nursing home.
Add to this the Herculean task of advocating himself in a post covid oncology fuck up nhs and no one at home to help and it’s easy to see how difficult things are for him.
I sat and listened
That’s all I could do.
After he had left, I sat at the beach cafe, we had met in, and watched the sea.
I felt odd.
And thankful .
It’s never failed to surprise me, just how people cope with adversity.
Most, in my experience do so blindly
It’s a case of one short step in front of another.
Hands outstretched as if you were blind.
Hoping for the best
Sometimes just being there and listening is just what's needed, but you know that don't you. We all try to cope with what's thrown at us in different ways don't we, it would be nice if the bad things formed an orderly queue though and didn't come along like four Manchester double-decker buses all at once.
ReplyDeleteLife can be cruel and unfair
DeleteYep. And if we're lucky, sometimes when we reach out, we find another hand to hold in the dark.
ReplyDeleteWe all need a hand to hold
DeleteTo go through adversity with no-one to support you must be awful. I'm glad he felt able to reach out to you. I hope his prognosis is positive. xx
ReplyDeleteI hope so too
DeleteSo many sad stories like this John - a few really good friends help to ease the burden but in the end we are all on our own aren't we? It all helpsme to realise just how much I value my blog and all of you. My mother used to have a plaque on the wall which said "A friend in need is a friend indeed"
ReplyDeleteI’m grateful for those people that care for me weave x
DeleteWishing your friend and his mum well and more helpful friends to ease their way. You're a good friend, indeed, John.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
We are not friends babs but I hope I was there for him today
DeleteOh the poor guy. Life certainly is flawed isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAt least he reached out and could speak to a friend.
Alison in Wales x
All of us have pain in our lives, he just seemed overwhelmed by it
DeleteThis is why you will be a great counselor - you are willing to listen - even when all you can do is be a hand in the storm! Sometimes being listened to is the greatest gift.
ReplyDeleteYes….being heard….WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD
Delete"I sat and listened, that's all I could do"
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for him, he must have felt very alone and desperately needed help. Unfortunately you weren't able to help him in the ways he needed although you "listened"
I think he may have left feeling more alone than before.
What an strange comment. What would you have john do anon?
DeleteWhat exactly? Please explain?
I suspect listening without judgement is the best any of us could do for someone in such circumstances
But you wont like that explaination
anon would you?
There is tons of research in palliative care circles about the need of patients to be properly listened to by health care professionals
DeleteNurses are especially good a problem solving
Sometimes and more importantly the problem needs to be properly heard
Your experience reminds me of the somewhat depressing quote from Hunter S Thompson. I don't believe it's entirely true ( I damned well hope not!), but there is an element of truth in it: “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and - in spite of True Romance magazines - we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely - at least, not all the time - but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” Poor chap - I hope being listened to provided him with a little comfort. So many people are very good at spouting advice - but active listening is a skill.
ReplyDeleteInteresting point
DeleteI think many of us seek validation from others but as long as you understand that you are then capable of being kind to yourself and loving yourself a bit more
Advice giving is practical but an instant fix for the person giving it
I prefer a quote I recently read, author unknown:
Delete"We are all just walking each other home."
Hugs!
That's beautiful BA x
DeleteYes that’s lovely
DeleteSometimes we need someone to truly listen, to actively listen as we talk, without judgement and without being told how to fix this or that. I'm glad you were able to meet up with this fella, to truly listen to him, and lighten his world for a brief time.
ReplyDeleteWe all need this damselfly
DeleteSometimes all we do need is to be HEARD
And heard properly , honestly and empatheticlly
Throughout sadness and heartbreak I find a kindly ear and cups of tea are a crutch x
ReplyDeleteYou are right Flis
DeleteSadly his woes aren't going to be fixed with a cup of tea and a kindly word. He has oesophageal cancer flis.
ReplyDeleteMy Uncle was misdiagnosed as an ulcer until it was too late - I was there and caring for his cat daily - he later died just as the ambulance men wheeled him in his bed through his house doorway where we were waiting to welcome him home
DeleteJohn WILL delete this lot. But yes, l too am sick and tired of this flis making everything about her and some one else SHE knows. Go get your own blog flis and leave this one to ONE comment only IF you have to comment at all. Long time reader dont want to say who and fall out with John. He is too polite to say it himself l believe.
DeleteThis blog entry is about cancer, and the wreckage it leaves behind after diagnosis
DeleteIt’s not about anything else. Ffs , if you remain well, cancer free and are having a life that has pleasure and joy in it, for goodness sake celebrate it
Enjoy the good things in life
Enjoy the blue sky
And people who love you
Don’t waste you time bellyaching about other commentators and minor things like that
Life’s too short people
Ps I’m never too polite btw
DeleteI see you deleted my comment. I'm sorry if my giving advice to flis offended you, but I'm surprised you saw fit to to delete my comment yet the one from anonymous criticising flis remains.
DeleteStill, it's your blog and I now know where I stand.
You do Anne
DeleteThis blog was about cancer and getting upset by flis seemed to me a waste of time given the nature of the blog. I left the other comment because it was idiotic and inappropriate .
I am tired of people complaining
If it continues I will stop all comments
DeleteI was dismayed at your reply to commenter Ann. You left the anonymous comment because it was "idiotic and inappropriate" (surely a reason to delete?) yet you deleted a comment full of common sense (from a named reader) advising flis to stop replying to comments. Is that what you consider to be fair?
DeleteThen you tell Ann that yes she knows where she stands!
Hwever tired you are of people commenting on this blog there is fairness and compassion, Ann apologsed if she had upset you and this is how you respond.
You must know how people are irritated by flis making ridiculous replies to Anon yet you stamp on someone trying to help. If you read this Ann know that we're not all in agreement with John's actions although I doubt you'll return after having
your words thrown back in your face.
We do what we can. And, usually, that's enough.
ReplyDeleteThis post did resonate with me… and when you listened you helped… ..Libs X
ReplyDeleteYes libs , and with me too
DeleteHe certainly has his plate full...and needed to talk.
ReplyDeleteYou did the best thing, and you are obviously good at it.
I need to find someone here for Pirate to talk to (stage 4 bowel cancer) he isn't looking forward to what is ahead of him.... naturally.
Macmillan is helping though..and an understanding doctor and specialist nurse.
But a face to face chat over coffee would be perfect just like you did.
Palliative care can refer to counselling
DeleteHospice input may be appropriate too
Thankyou. He isn't that far on yet, but it will be worth enquiring
DeleteThis guy has not only his own health issue but his Mum and best friend need help too. That is a lot for one person. Your meet up and chat lightened his burden.
ReplyDeleteWho knows if it did
DeleteI hope so
It made me grateful for what I have
So many people have so many troubles in their lives and nobody to talk to. You must have been a good friend for him to think of contacting you now when he needs someone to listen, to understand what he's going through and to ease his burden.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think I was Anne
DeleteI hope your friend found peace after telling you of his life right now. Perhaps it's his way of saying goodbye.
ReplyDeleteHe’s in pain and sadness
DeletePerhaps it helped for an hour
Who knows x
To turn to you after seperation shows the impression you made on this man, and how much pragmatic comfort you could bring him, listening without judgement so he could unload the baggage. The very best thing you could do, and a compliment to you in itself.
ReplyDeleteTragedy never comes 'in single spies' as everyone learns from having been there, and I suspect your empathy and listening skills will have done your friend a lot of good, regardless. You will make one terrific counsellor, and this experience proves it.
I felt a little overwhelmed with the sadness of today and I’m grateful for my life today
DeleteNo you are right YP they have no power
ReplyDeleteIt’s messy and unfair and cruel sometimes
ReplyDeleteI think it is/was very special that he contacted you and you gave your time and listened. Listening is so precious and difficult to do. It shows to me what a special man you are and how lucky I am to be able to read your blog and learn so much. You inspire me to be more courageous. Thank you once again John for a wonderful post. Noreen
ReplyDeleteI really worry about people who rely on the NHS and are too ill or infirm to navigate the system. I see what Dave goes through to get his treatments and consultations for Crohn's and it's a nightmare. Of course we're glad the NHS is there, and thankful for the people who work for it, but I wish the government would stop starving it (and so many other essential services) of money.
ReplyDeleteI saw this today
DeleteJoined up thinking missing
Simple mistakes
Uncoordination
Stupidity
I am always in awe of the grief people carry with them, over the course of a lifetime. It just sucks, there is no better way to put it. We all need to tell our stories. It doesn't fix anything but it makes things bearable. Sometimes that's all we can hope for.
ReplyDeleteWe do indeed dear pixie
DeleteYou are right John, hoping for the best, and the best right now for him was having a friend to talk to. GG
ReplyDeleteI do hope his cancer was caught early--and I'm glad he reached out to you. As you say, empathetic listening is critically important.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too
DeleteI have never had serious illness but I have noticed that in times of hardship we inch forward blindly. Even if we have practical support, the emotional and spiritual impacts have to be faced mostly alone
ReplyDelete'Short steps. Hands stretched out as if we were blind. Hoping for the best.'
ReplyDeleteFeels a bit like my life right now. I am glad that you were able to sit and listen to an old friend.
Chin up Debby, email if you feel like a chat x
DeletePerhaps when you get back from your trip. Enjoy, enjoy. enjoy!
DeleteOne day at a time, one step at a time, just trying to keep going and maybe hope for a better time. You are so right. It made me think of Henry Fraser and his book "The Little Big Things" . Life can be so cruel and hard. You were there to hear him when he reached out to you.
ReplyDeleteMarisAna - having computer problems, so am Anonymous.
I am sure your conversation with him really helped. I remember vividly when I was diagnosed with cancer, I kept it in for a bit, and then when I finally told people, I found that I had a support group. And it helped me to navigate waters that I had never seen before and that scared the hell out of me. Also, when I posted things on my blog about what I was going through, thoughtful comments really helped me, including comments from you.
ReplyDeletePeople often find unused reserves of resilience and practicality in the face of adversity. But this guy is really up against it.
ReplyDeleteWell said nick.
DeleteWe never know what is coming, most stand up to the task.
ReplyDelete