The Animal and The Snake

Winter 1983

It was cold in February.

I was allocated to a long stay psychiatric ward called Irby, 

Irby was and is a fairly nondescript village on the Wirral.

The ward was a bland place too

The male patients had been in hospital most of their lives and most were institutionalised as well as mentally scarred and ill.

At dinner times they were segregated in order of table manners.

“The Animal”shared his table with no one for his table manners had to be seen to be believed.

His food would fly in all directions in a frenzy of eating no basic behavioural programmes could control, so he was left to his own devices without cutlery or crockery. 

He was given his own plastic plate and a large red plastic mug.

Now, even as a man just out of his teens , I knew nicknames such as The Animal were unacceptable and I always referred to his as George and at first by Mr Urmston* , running the risk of alienating some of the more institutionalised staff.

But I played dumb and sweet and young and got away with it.

You can get away with a lot if you smile and look very young.

Now George wasn’t a hard patient to look after. He followed requests and slept for much of the day , so the dinner time eating frenzy and his penchant for eating flowers out of vases was his only vice as I remember. 

The only patient I didn’t like was younger man called Henry. He retained a mean streak in his personality and liked to oil his hair like a spiv. He was a bully and loved frightening student nurses like myself by stalking us around the dayroom furniture. He only did this when the trained staff were busy.

But they knew what went on as his nickname they gave him was The Snake.

The Snake cornered me several times and slapped the back of my head just once before I stepped up to him, but one day he made the mistake of goosing a domestic member of staff as she brought in the dinner trolley.

Lunchtime was halted

Before anyone could react George had stood up inserted his hand into his red plastic mug and made a fist .

With his arm raised above his head he ran over to the snake and whipped his hand down, knocking the Snake hard on the head with a loud pop. 

The snake collapsed onto the floor and George sat down at his table as though nothing had happened .

I don’t remember what happened to the snake. I think he just lay down in one of the two locked dormitories that were full of beds, neatly made up for the night, to recover.

But I do remember what happened to George as the charge nurse maintained order and

Pointing to George , he said to me 

“ Give him Extra potatoes and gravy “

And with a tiny smile, I did just that.

* a pseudonym