Advice

This below post is an old one, 

It’s approximately  a decade old 

It’s full of nice memories of old friend Bunty and my animals  ( Bunty who has recently moved to Tel Aviv with her latest girlfriend a Jewish security expert and part time bodyguard) 

Bunty sent me a text as follows earlier this year,

I’ve just reread her message in my broken phone 

“Jonney Boy, I’ve done it. Ive finally moved in with Gilah in Tel Aviv. Her flat is a bit shitty but the weather is nice…..hope you’ve had a good shag recently  . Bunty x”

I forgot to reply .

Village tongues may be clacking this morning as yesterday, I was seen leaving Pat ( the animal helper's) house with a large bunch of garden flowers. Pat is on a holiday cruise , so I am watering her tomatoes everyday.......the flowers I had permission to remove.....I thought I'd just get that straight.
Anyhow,
Last week, at the animal wholesales, I bumped into Bunty the lesbian smallholder from Llanfair
Talhalarn. I was buying layers pellets , she was looking for rat poison. Though part of me thought that Bunty didn't really need poison to kill anything. She always looks as though she could strangle a hippo with only one hand.
I asked her how the geese were, the ones that she bought from me last year.
" the snotty bastards are still keeping their distance" Bunty moaned " I still can't tame them"
I didn't have the heart to tell her, that with her big booming voice, she was never likely to...ever.
Animals need the Penelope Wilton approach rather than the Brian Blessed

There are several rules that need to be followed where the taming of animals are concerned

You need to move slowly at first and get on with doing quiet routine jobs around them without looking at the animal you want to tame.
If you have jobs or zombie games to play on the ipad, sit down near the animal and keep quietly busy. The animal invariably will come towards you to give you the " once over". When they do approach talk to the animals quietly. This works very well with geese and sheep who are naturally curious...if you are up for it.....lie down in the field face down ( although don't do this with pigs!)
Use food bribery using favourite food stuffs. Cheap white bread is nectar ,to sheep and geese and turkey's and hens adore teats of dog food. Always leave the animals " wanting more" use the same feed bucket or bowl every day and use a consistent animal call to " Marshall the troops"
Try not to dress in different clothes and hats . Consistency is the key.

Never try too hard.
Things you mustn't do when taming animals
Don't have a crafty piss when geese are about beak height is invariably at willy height
Never scream like a girl in the vicinity of potentially hysterical Indian runner ducks
Never hold an animal tentatively. Most animals will go " limp" if you hold them firmly
Keep small screaming children and toddlers locked up in a cage if possible.

And my last post about her from 4 years ago

Last night I went out with Bunty and her new girlfriend Katy.
I was still hung over from my night shift and tried to give Bunty a raincheck text but she was having non of it. They picked me up just before eight and we were in a gay pub in Chester by a quarter to nine.
Bunty checked me over after we had exited the car.
"Nice new pants Graybags!" She bellowed pointing at my clean trousers
"Sainsbury's " I told her
Bunty rolled her eyes
It's been a while since I've been in a gay anywhere!
The pub was loud, good humoured and busy and apart from a somewhat sticky moment where Bunty tried to introduce me to an uninterested but polite bear cub half my age, the night went ok.
I would have preferred a quieter venue but Bunty was on a roll

As Bunty got happily drunk and flirted in a loud goodnatured way with everyone, male and female Katy and I had a long chat . Katy, I liked immediately, she has a job working with abused women and deals with sex trafficing issues locally so the conversation was a rather illuminating and interesting one to me, a bloke who has absolutely no experience in such issues and the two of us carried on the conversation on the way home as Bunty snored away on the back seat.

When we neared the village Bunty was still asleep but she rallied briefly at the suggestion of a McDonalds stop off.
" We'll go gay clubbing next time" she suggested as she bolted down a handful of fries and I was grateful for a wink and shake of the head from Katy which said don't worry- it's not going to happen- I know you are not up to that!
At the top of the lane I said my big sloppy burger tasting goodbye kisses with Bunty and a more civilised peck with Katy who , as I started to get out of the car, squeezed my hand " Chin up dearheart" she said
She obviously reads my blog

( I was sad Katy lasted only a couple of years , I liked her)