Saturday, 26 November 2022

The Half Arsed Tree



I bought a half arsed Christmas tree from Sainsbury’s this morning
The check out guy on self service said it looked “ cheerful “ but his heart wasn’t in it.
I thought it would cheer up the corner under the stairs .
It doesn’t .
I bought the dogs some cocktail sausages as a treat and Dorothy hyperventilated herself so much in excitement that I almost had to sit her down with a paper bag over her head.
She was theatrically sick in the living room right next to Albert’s latest pee stain, then ate the vomit without a blink of an eye
Albert forgot that there is a litter tray in the office for him
The carpet cleaner is getting a bashing this month.
I took Eve Randa’s birthday card round and did a few jobs.
It’s a miserable day, dark and damp
And the binmen made me wait in Byron Street for such an age that Mrs Trellis lapped me twice with Blue in tow.
It’s winter and she’s wearing her very erect bobble hat again.
I listened to the entirety of The Big Country by Jerome Moross  and Borodin’s String Quartet on  Classic Fm before the road cleared.
It was raining heavily when I got home. 
I’ve lit the fire and Roger had eaten two fluffy balls from off my new tree in the time it took to turn around 

Halloumi chips for lunch 

Dorothy is  belching and the cottage is filled with the vague smell of sausage 

46 comments:

  1. Sounds pretty normal! lol

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  2. Life chez Gray! If that was my tree, I'd remove the decorations and just have tiny lights on it. With Roger eating fluffy balls off the tree, I suspect the carpet cleaner may need to be deployed again in the very near future. xx

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    1. I’m too tired to do all that
      I think I’m off to bed soon

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  3. No good deed goes unpunished:)

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  4. Sounds like one of them days 🙂. The little tree is cute.

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  5. I hope everything comes out in the end when it comes to those fluffy balls, though I am sure they won't ever be fluffy again.
    Fritzi is almost a year old and has been doing pretty good with her wee wee pad training, but tonight she spread her brand of poo cheer through three rooms of the house plus one perky one right in the middle of the wee pads. How she managed to put one turd in each area without either my husband nor I noticing is beyond me. Maybe she had a tummy problem. She felt ashamed without us even saying anything and was at the front door curled in a ball trying to ignore what happened. If she would have had a little doggie suitcase for her toys, and a way to open the door herself, she would have ran away from home and left this city and gone back home to Poplar Bluff out in the country.

    She looks just like the black Pomeranians that Beatrix Potter used to draw.

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    1. https://mrslittle.com/the-best-least-read-beatrix-potter-book-the-tale-of-the-pie-and-the-patty-pan/

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  6. There are some great 'one liners' in this piece of writing John! Why don't you strip the tree back and redecorate with something more 'you'? I would cover up or change the spotty pot. I dare you to snatch Mrs Trellis's very erect bobble hat and use it as a tree topper! Hope your day gets better. x

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    Replies
    1. The rest of the day?
      I fell deeply asleep on the couch twice

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    2. You must have needed it. x

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  7. Anonymous2:35 pm

    Oh my gosh! I love reading your posts which always, always, always make me smile and chuckle.

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  8. Ah, it just smell just like Christmas (or the way Christmas smells at your house). I was going to ask how Roger reacted to the tree! We would love a tree, but these two cats would have a couple of hundred new toys to chase all around the house... plus a tree to climb. Our California cats looked at the tree when it first went up and never, ever touched it. 14 years!

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    Replies
    1. Anything “ new” is frowned upon

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  9. Oh, I think that it is a nice enough little tree. It needs different decorations though, something that sparkles. Lights too. And it needs to be set someplace where Roger cannot reach it to save yourself the expense of a vet visit.

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  10. Barbara Anne3:17 pm

    Another interesting chapter in "A Day in the Life of JG"! I can see it all, from tree, to barf, to bobble hat and Blue!
    I suggest fairy lights or the tree (or more if they're there already, and more ornaments - all put up high so Roger cannot reach them.

    Hugs!

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  11. The last couple of years to make money stretch I've not bought the usual rooted Xmas tree but fashioned a passable one from branches of a huge growing tree I once bought for indoors - I can share the secret of an erect hat -for the a couple if days I've helped at a festival and a lady said she had stuffed hers with a sock x 🌲

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  12. I thought you had the carpet cleaner on speed dial! Wonderful descriptive writing describing the household antics.

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  13. I love your tree! I think it is so optimistic and brave--and cute. I might put the polka dot container into something more chic, a basket,a deep bowl,or one of your chamber pots, etc
    Prob sausages, w garlic and onion and seasonings are not a good treat choice, tho I know you often serve them. I do low salt deli turkey for my pug.

    hope your day gets better, have a snuggle and a nap?

    lizzy

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    1. I’ve slept for 4 hours on the couch on and off

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  14. I wonder why Mrs Trellis's bobble hat is always erect. Perhaps she like to starch it. Talking about weirdness, how come you have got so many lemons?

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    1. I did wonder that too!

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    2. I drink lemonade by the litre
      It’s good for my kidneys

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  15. Your blog is always so...earthy. :)

    I'm glad to read about the reappearance of Mrs. Trellis's bobble hat. Even to we far-removed readers it's like an old friend, back for another season.

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  16. Damselfly5:02 pm

    Poor Dorothy... although I will admit the mental image of you wrestling a paper bag over her head gave me a good chuckle. Agree with Debby... the little tree needs small, sparkly ornaments, a few more lights, and definitely up & out of Roger's reach. Have a lovely, peaceful & cozy remainder of the day.

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    1. It’s become incredibly stormy and windy. It’s lovely and warm and cozy

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  17. I like the Charlie Brown tree, stay cozy,

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  18. So just another day in the cottage then hey?

    The little tree is rather enduring.

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    1. Yeap a normal day in wales mistress

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  19. What a cute tree, I agree redecorate it in your own wonderful style and put it up higher so Roger can't nick the balls. I have been toying with the idea of a small one instead of the 6ft real one we used to have. Now it's just the 2 of us it seems daft to put one up for 2 flying visitors on Boxing day. I get caught behind the binmen every Tuesday without fail going up a bloody great hill, I have tried to beat them too it many a time but I'm sure they watch for me just to piss me off; being on a tight schedule means I have 20 mins to get to most of my clients and if I'm late it pushes me late all day till I seem to end up working for sweet FA at the end of the day on my way home. The faint whiff of sausages after a meal is quite nice but not after feeding them to a diva bulldog hahaha. Poor Dorothy!

    Jo in Auckland

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    1. I’ve covered it with battery powered lights
      ( no risk of fires)

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  20. To be fair,in the dark, it looks cute

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  21. Jane from Dorset9:09 pm

    Roger is beginning to find his feet and express his true self.

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  22. Sniggering childishly at the ERECT bobble hat x

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  23. I have rolls of paper towels, small plastic bags and cans of pet-accident-clean-up spray stashed in strategic cabinets around the flat. Life happens more frequently as the pets age -- and it's harder to manage a quick response as we do ditto...keep up the good fight.

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  24. Pets certainly keep our feet on the ground!
    Your little tree probably looks great with lights on and is now cheerful.

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  25. You paint a picture John. It appears that your menagerie could do the same as well, given a little more food lol

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  26. I like the tree too.

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