Breakfast table
Bucket of coffee time.
I’ve just read my sister’s Facebook entry for today.
She’s posted the itinerary I put into her Birthday Card and said she was was looking forward to the break
That pleased me no end.
We leave for London this afternoon, a day earlier than planned .
I can thank he RMT strike for the extra day
Fingers crossed the journey in uneventful .
Another coffee…I have time
Just recently I have been thinking of how to deal with someone who sporadically but ,consistently seems to enjoy pointing out my mistakes.
At first I thought it was me being over sensitive as I’m fully aware of the legacy being a child of critical parents can leave with a person, but after some feedback from others I realised that this friend, through whatever reason does feed on the mistakes others make too, and is in fact well known for the behaviour
I’ve ignored the comments until recently, but during a conversation they inappropriately reminded me of something I did wrong from over a year ago now!, and did so with a chuckle.
I stopped my inner child from reacting.
It’s easy to bark back at a snappy dog and with a presence of mind , on reflection I was pleased with
I said simply and quietly “ That comment hurt my feelings “
I said nothing else and rode out the short embarrassed silence that followed by thinning my lips and raising my eyebrows in a kind of There Ive said it expression before leaving the situation unrushed.
All of us are often very adapt at saying nothing in situations like these, and I include myself very much in this statement as I can often pick up someone else’s criticism and negativity and carry it around like a badge.
This time I didn’t, and I am glad I didn’t even though it’s easier to say nothing and curl your toes in irritation.
I am stunned - with admiration! I need to practice this comment so I can also say it - I'll need lots of practice as it won't come easily and it should. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteDon’t admire me, I’m 60 and I’m only just visiting these behaviours that I needed to implement years ago x
DeleteWell I am 78 so you are implementing them sooner than I am!
DeleteWell done you, how many times have we walked away hurt by someone's comment, nicely done.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, John. It's far too easy for many of us (myself included) to say nothing, then later explode, often at the wrong person. I hope your friend takes on board that their comments can be hurtful, not constructive. The London itinerary looks good. I hope the trains behave themselves, both going and returning. I know you and Janet will have a great time. Lots of laughs, chat and reminiscences. Wonderful! xx
ReplyDeleteYes, too often we let things slide when we shouldn't. Good for you and your appropriate response!
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing when you spoke up for yourself. Hope you enjoy your trip with your sister and all goes smoothly!
ReplyDeleteThat person who keeps an running account of mistakes isn't much of a friend to anyone. Good response and best that it didn't ruin your day. Good self-preservation!
ReplyDeleteHope your busy and glorious time in Loondon wiht Janet is wonderful in every way! Enjoy!
Hugs!
People that are very critical of others lack confidence in themselves. They seek to elevate themselves and the criticisms they give out makes them feel better about themselves. I liked the gentle but firm feedback you gave to this individual. I would do the same. That said, I'd also forgive the critical person and let them know their criticism is hurtful.
ReplyDeleteI have attracted people who choose to let me know I am in the wrong-They tell me with pleasure-I can't help but be polite and not say anything most of the time - but when I have corrected them or let them know I am upset by them - oh dear they Cannot take that At All -These individuals have turned very nasty indeed -None of them are my family-I've tried and tried-5 people in fact - Eventually I did decide I had no more to give or would allow myself to take-I've had to block them physically and or mentally x
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ReplyDeleteTwo days ago, in a conversation with a long time friend, I was accused of being "critical". I am not a critical person and I'm particularly careful with this friend because she, like you, experienced parental criticism and remains raw. She's a ranter by nature and normally I'm a good listener but for once I broke rank and let my impatience show. There's a difference between giving a friend a needed nudge or being intentionally hurtful. In your case, John, your speaking up was exactly the "nudge" your friend needed.
ReplyDeleteLike the good teacher I hope I was in a long and successful career I always use the same method - give praise whenever it is due - however small the commment, the same goes for thanks. For criticism or unpleasantness? I usually ignore - it costs me nothing and it keeps things on an even keel. When you get to my age you reaoise that anything else is unnecessary ( life.s too short (at least it is from where I am sitting).
ReplyDeleteA born and lovely diplomat dear pat x
DeleteI’m not unlike you. Cruelly critical parents left me sensitive to unsolicited critiques. I admire how you handled it. I tend to say more than is necessary or, more often, I become snarky. I’ll take a lesson.
ReplyDeleteYes it's sometimes a heavy burden complicated I think by being on line where people say things that they would never have the guts to say if they stood in front of you
DeleteJohn too often i let people say what they like and its only after i think what i should have said, i have written your comment down so i remember as they say less is more. thank you x
ReplyDeleteSo often those comments are picked up and toxic . They are seldom ignored
DeleteOh No. Not hurty Feelings. I laugh and tell them to fuck off.
ReplyDeleteEffective but final lol
DeleteIt's never final as we have to work together. I dole it out and have to accept incoming. It's normal here. I've never lost sleep over folk taking the piss.
DeleteFair comment Adrian. If you give it . You HAVE to be able to take it . In my experience that's rare
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ReplyDeleteAs I have commented here on your blog before. The death of my father has completely tipped my brain. I have cut out a lot of toxic people. I have also quite successfully deployed the word NO. 2 letters so much power. Something has shifted so fundamentally in me that I can only take po op from people for so long. and I have replies in readiness, that I wish I had had in my arsenal in my childhood. 1, NO. 2, Really? when someone is completely outrageous. 3, Your comments are unacceptable, if someone said this to your wife or husband you would be upset - this one shuts them right up. I used to be a yes person, there is not much left of me to give to myself let alone anyone else. Something happened in the pandemic with the lock downs where the people who used to be key board warriors or helpful suggestions from family, become barbed. Its like they have pulled all the nasty out and feel they can say it all out loud.
ReplyDeleteI used to let it happen, vent their frustration. But just because I turn up doesnt mean I am there to be abused. Like you, you put yourself and your cottage out there. Just because it is there, doesnt mean that people should pull out their deep dark "Hyde" persona. Everyone is getting by the best they can. They need to remember, as it jokingly says on those lovely decor signs "no one gets out alive". People need to spread joy, promote community and generally try a little harder to praise people.
Sol.
DeleteThank you for your comments
I appreciate your last paragraph very much .
People pleasing is a difficult habit to break . Especially being a baby boomer like myself
I was surprised you think of yourself as a baby boomer, but looks like you do squeeze in. Boomer era ends year 1964.
DeleteBorn 1962
DeleteGood for you for saying something. Perhaps some people just aren't aware that what they're saying is hurtful, and being pointedly told will make them think. Or maybe they're an arsehole. In any case, it's good to call them on it!
ReplyDeleteDear John - I am 61 and only able to address certain behaviors and beliefs now! I think it's because at this age, we are DONE - done people-pleasing, done holding back when hurt by others in order to be polite (DRIVEN into me by my Southern upbringing), and done being marginalized - mostly by ourselves in deference to others. We don't have to be shrews (though I won't lie, it feels good now and then) but we can be assertive. I tell people, "Look, I love you, but I love ME more." And that is now really the truth! And as it should be. GOOD for you for saying what you feel.
ReplyDeleteNicely put Karla and described better than I think I could.
DeleteToo old for shit is another saying
Amen, John! :)
DeleteYou are going to The Ivy? Have you won the lottery?
ReplyDeleteWe are and we haven't lol
DeleteThe critical person did noy apoligize? How rude.. And---do they read this blog?
ReplyDeletelizzy
Yes andno
DeleteNicely done. It takes a lot to respond like that.
ReplyDeleteSome people just don't realise how hurtful they can be... unfortunately others do realise.
Wow! I'm impressed that you could do that. I hope you got an apology. I'll have to keep those words in mind, although I have cut the toxic people out of my life who loved picking on me. You never know when someone else who's overly critical will turn up.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
It's a skill I aspire to, with three parts: quell the snappish response, quietly make the appropriate, fact-based comment, sit serenely in the awkward silence
ReplyDeleteI want to learn how to do this, without crying or getting snarky.
ReplyDeleteThere are people on the autistic spectrum who are within this and conversations may not be the same thing for them as for you.
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