Friday, 20 November 2020

Not Pritti

 Priti Patel is back in the news as her behavior at the home office was said to have breached the rules of Minister’s’ behavior.

I suspect if the likes of Sir Philip Rutnam who resigned describing Patel’s behavior as ‘vicious’, has spoken out then there is no smoke without fire even though Ms Patel has denied all accusations.

In my experience  ( and believe me the NHS is nose to nipple with inadequate managers) the most common bully is one that exists by taking advantage of group situations by “carpet bombing” and brow beating a group of more  “junior staff” in a meeting.

No direct confrontation occurs, which often proves that the protagonist is in fact the weak link in a chain, and so all it usually takes is a calm firm

‘ No I disagree” by one hardy soul present for the bully to be exposed and power to change hands.

This firm and fair” approach works with most bullies, especially when accompanied with a smile but a more robust response may be needed if the bully is more confrontational.

 

Once a few years ago, I was challenged over something by a village bully.

I could have explained my side of the argument  too with a calm, comfortable “No I disagree!”

I chose to half bellow a loud “ Oh do fuck off!!!!!” across the village green before walking away

 

That, as I recall worked very well too

54 comments:

  1. You didn't use your shoe comment?

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  2. "the most common bully is one that exists by taking advantage of group situations by “carpet bombing” and brow beating a group of more “junior staff” in a meeting."

    Could you explain how that works, maybe by inventing an example? I read many press reports of "bullying" within the NHS, but they rarely give any indication of what the bullying consists in. Is raising your voice bullying? Is an occasional swear word ("Look, just go and do what I've bloody told you")? Is it threatening to sack someone or saying vaguely threatening things like, "I've got your number and I'm going to be on your case and you'd better take care else a load of shit's going to land on you"?

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    1. The example I have was when an autocratic sister belittled staff morale by banging on about a drug error made by a colleague when in handover
      It was punitive and a romp of power and I stopped her to disagree with what she said about poor team work
      No one else said anything as they were frightened
      I was just angry and finally told her we had to agree to differ

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    2. Thank you.

      One of the reasons I wonder about this is that a close friend used to be head of a social work section in local government, where any attempt to take someone to task for shortcomings was apt to yield a complaint of being bullied.

      Delete
  3. Oh, sometimes the best approach with a bully is to cordially invite them to fuck right off. Short and effective.

    XOXO

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  4. Potential redundancies being discussed in a public sector organisation which had pay scales based on experience: "You may not be aware but some people in this room are paid twice as much as others for doing the same job." Nobody dared to say: "Or in your case, three times, Dave."

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  5. I use the 'Do you really think so?' approach, along with a slight raise of the eyebrows and a direct look into the eyes for just slightly too long, and then a dismissive look away ... it works a treat. I hate a bully, either in person or in the written word, I always have.

    It worked for the first time for me at secondary school when a class bully offered me a fight at the end of the day, she made the mistake of saying 'I could take you any day', my 'do you really think so' and the look was enough for the fight never to be mentioned again.

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    1. I think a measured calm approach ooozes confidence which is poison to a bully

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  6. Yep, that would work! lol I like your style. x

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    1. The fuck off was against another man

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  7. I imagine you can do a good bellow...as indeed can I. Usually 'TURBO!!' when he's rolling in something unspeakably fox flavoured. Doesn't work though...he's selectively deaf.

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  8. I have worked for bullies, and nice people. I prefer to work for nice people, who treat everyone with respect.

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  9. I dealt with my bullies (my own blood relatives) by not speaking to them. silence cripples bullies cause they are looking for a rise out of their victim. and this victim was not going to give in.

    in other cases, a good loud assertive FUCK OFF AND DIE, ASSHOLE! works.

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  10. When I was in grade school, I quickly learned that the best way to deal with bullies was to simply not show any sign of intimidation. I worked it to a fine art. I remember one case involved twins who had found a snake on the play ground. I was very afraid of snakes (at 63, I don't scream anymore, but I don't like them.) They were running around the playground scaring people. I tried very hard to disappear, but before long they were headed straight for me. I took a deep breath and when they thrust it at me, I said, "Oh. He's very pretty." Nothing else. Disappointed, they moved on to a more scream-y target. I was quite nearly sick. PS, these days, I just don't interact with bullies.

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    1. I think it’s important that bullies often turn up a geek when people they know are assertive are not present

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  11. I've tried desperately to help the situation of being bullied by several people but somehow they wriggle out of it and then twist and say it's me.I've always been polite and tried to understand their problem with me but it only makes everything worse.I just avoid now because they lie and are very convincing.x

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  12. School bullies turn into management bullies especially in The NHS. I know, I've met a few in my time.

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    1. I understand this statement only too well

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  13. Unfortunately fuck off isn't one that works so well with a bully manager. Dismissal often ensues.

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    1. Anonymous6:59 pm

      Having just been on the receiving end of an F..Off from a bully manager when I challenged him, he has now denied what he said and accused me of being the aggressor.

      Delete
    2. It’s important when at work to have
      1. Witnesses
      2. A paper trail

      Delete
  14. I just want that Patel woman to just GO AWAY for good - and to take that permanently sneering and smirky face away with her.

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    1. She’s here to stay x

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    2. I've still got hope she'll be banished to the backbenches, but being a middle-aged woman with Asian descent I think in Bojo's eyes her symbolism as the most senior female cabinet member is too powerful for him to lose her.

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  15. Oh, I really wish I had the balls to sometimes say, "Oh, do fuck off!" Or maybe I don't... but it sure sounds good.

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    1. Sometimes it needs to be voiced , but only very occasionally

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  16. Anonymous2:44 pm

    An 80 year old friend of mine, who lives in Ms Patel's constituency, emailed her to ask for her help in getting the local council to take fly-parking (London commuters) across her drive seriously. The week before she had had to spend £130 on a taxi to and from a (non-local) hospital as she couldn't get her car out of her drive. Ms Patel's response to the email? "I am not minded to assist with this matter." No sign off, no greeting, just total disdain for an elderly constituent's genuine difficulties and council inaction.

    - Kate

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    1. Kate, suggest to your neighbor that she call a tow truck company and have the vehicle towed away. It will cost the car owner to get it out, not her. Maybe they will learn to park!

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    2. Barbara Anne6:03 pm

      e, excellent suggestion! I hope Kate sees your idea and her neighbor will do just that!

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    3. Anonymous7:40 pm

      This is not the US! Things don't work like that over here. Sadly, or thankfully, depending on your PoV!

      - Kate

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    4. Kate, surely UK has tow trucks and towing companies? A line of four or six red traffic cones set along the opening might help too. Or she could call the police precinct/ traffic section who might issue a ticket. I feel so bad for the lady.

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    5. Anonymous8:41 am

      Lizzy - she (and her son) have tried every route, including the police (who don't deal with parking offences in many areas now), but there is no right to access off your own drive, only onto it. Only action by the local council can achieve changes, by putting in restricted parking hours and official signage to prevent fly-parking, and they are not interested as there is inadequate parking for commuters to London (so allowing them to park in residential streets partly solves the problem), and thousands more new houses are being built in the area.

      Hence appealing to Priti Patel as the MP, to put pressure on the council to do something. Councils usually listen to MP requests.

      An individual cannot just pay a tow company to tow a car that they do not own.

      But, the point of my story wasn't to ask for ideas, it was to show that Ms Patel is not just a bully, she isn't doing the job she should be for her local constituents, and is dismissive and rude to them too.

      - Kate

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  17. We have had a perfect example of a terrible bully living in the White House here for 4 years. I would love to bellow your expression to him but my Mom always taught me not to use the F word. To this day, I can think it but I can never come right out and say it! But, oh, sometimes I really want to!!

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    1. Sadly, that's the kind of bully who actually delights in pissing you off enough to react with anger. The only thing that will get to him is if we turn off all the tv lights and stop reading his Twitter feed. I'd love to see the apoplexy that follows everybody ignoring him!

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    2. Trump used his aggression to bulldoze
      And he took advantage of peoples politeness

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  18. Once I outgrew my belligerent teens I have always gone with polite and non-confrontational, as I do not want to be punched in the face or otherwise attacked. I do have a mean rude ex sister in law. I am saving "cheap shoes" for her next attempt to make me look bad.

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    1. Only use “ cheap shoes” with a woman
      Men can’t be arsed

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    2. I think SIL is a woman..def a bully anyway. She won't get the insult, but I'll laugh and laugh.

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  19. A bully does not like being opposed. Like you say, they usually fall quickly with a simple: "No, I disagree."

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    Replies
    1. My elder sister is a queen of this
      She says “ I disagree” and can then smile without irony

      Delete
  20. Barbara Anne4:36 pm

    I've never give bullies the time of day. Life is too short to be bothered by their crap.

    I, too, am not comfortable using the F word in public that's to my parents. I heard my Dad say "Damn" only once and that what when he and DH were whittling down that Christmas tree trunk so it would fit in the tree stand (story a few posts back).

    Hugs!

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  21. A great solution.

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  22. Tracy4:53 pm

    What a shame that Sir Phillip Rutnam felt compelled to fall on his sword and resign because his inquiry didn't come up with the 'right' answer. Doesn't this sound horribly familiar?

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  23. This was a test for Johnson, and one which he failed through weakness. He is useless without Cummings too.

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