10th October Saturday 20.00pm
I’m having a break from blogging for a bit but not from writing everyday.
That I would find an impossibility. I’m on my last night this week ( 48 hours total) after the same amount Of hours last week. Next week it’s the same
I’ve felt somewhat overwhelmed and not in the right frame of mind to publish
Yet I write?
Go figure.
I bought sweets for the day staff and an orchid for my trained colleague before I came to work as she has had a shit time recently.
Much shittier than mine .......
Lisa Tarbuck was laughing on the radio as I drove to work and this piece of nostalgia pleased me when she played it
I’m not sure, if I will post these mini snippets of daily life
But I will continue to write them until I feel ok to blog again.
I feel I have nothing worth reading or to share at the moment
11th October Sunday..2.20 am
He was waiting for his wife to pass away and she was comfortable under sedation. We talked about many things in the side room that night. But I particularly remember talking about Andrew Wyeth my favourite painter in those wee small hours before dawn.
We shared anacdotes, they were less painful than reality.
He appreciated my love for Christina’s world but didn’t share my affection for it
But, as it turned out we both loved Wyeth’s portrait of his wife Betsy in his piece Maga’s Daughter
Which remains in a museum in Seattle .
That was many weeks ago now and I’ve just been passed a note from the visitor, who was now a widower
He had found me a print of “Maga’s Daughter” in the US and was sending it me
I forgot my great niece’s birthday which is not like me
I’m not cooking on gas
Maga’s Daughter
Me looking at my much loved Christina’s World in MOMA New York 2014
I slept heavy. I always do after nights.
Yesterday my family met for soup and Cornish pasties in the garden
It was lovely but I felt lacklustre and boring
We are talking about Christmas ....turkey sandwiches and soup outside
It’s a new Way of looking at things
12th October Monday 6pm
I actually didn’t get up until 1pm.
It’s pouring down and miserable
I made cannon ball sized low calorie scotch eggs and spicy butternut squash soup
And I watched Sorry Wrong Number on the iPad as I did so
I feel brighter today
Rested and more in balance
The scotch eggs did it
Not the eating of said eggs ( I managed one at a push as it needed two hands to lift it)
But the planning and making of them and some spicy soup.
Me time...gentle space time
If I feel like this again (and more long stretches of nights amid lockdown are on the horizon)
I won’t feel ‘ obliged’ to blog
To chatter away in that empty room
,
Stay safe JG, I shall miss your daily blog, but will keep you in my thoughts, and those big feckin cannon ball scotch eggs !!!
ReplyDeleteI will continue daily miss norm as long as I have something to say, something to share and as long as I can without stressing myself when tired
DeleteBlogging is a joy
It’s not work
I missed reading about your life John. I love your chatter x
ReplyDeleteOh I’m chattering away like a fat chipmonk tonight xx
DeleteChristmas is going to be very strange with presumably all the virus restrictions still in force. Sandwiches and soup in the garden could be exactly right.
ReplyDeleteYes...a re-evaluation of what Christmas means
DeleteWe talked about a family walk too...perhaps a new tradition
do what you have to do, john. the family garden pix looks lovely.
ReplyDeleteI got into a strange place where I felt I should blog with absolutely nothing to say
DeleteI still come here every day. Whatever snippets you wish to share will be OK with me. I would love to try a Scotch egg. I checked into ordering online, but wonder if the four day delivery (not to mention the $11 USD in shipping charges) would be worth it. Are they difficult to make yourself?
ReplyDeleteI would send you my second egg but it is huge and the postage would be obscene
DeleteLook after yourself. Please.
ReplyDeleteI have today deArheart
DeleteThis is a break from blogging? Don't get me wrong, I am pleased you are back, but I can't tell the difference between your blog and any other type of writing which you post up.
ReplyDeleteI think I just needed not to feel that I had to write anything which I felt I wanted to post.
DeleteThe diary is something I’ve always done before the blog in a tiny blue book
I guess everything morphs
I'm sorry you feel/ have felt/ obliged to blog. Of course you do not *have* to, it is not a paid job or really any obligation. But I do miss you and your posts, and worry about you, when you go incommunicado at times.
ReplyDeletelizzy x
The obligation stems from wanting to and not being able through tiredness , fatigue etc
DeleteNext time, if I’m not up to it, I just won’t bother
Just please do not ''pull a Hippo" [disappear]?
DeleteChristina's World is a complex meeting of sweet pastoral charm, yearning melancholy, and life's realities. The young woman was handicapped and I believe Wyeth had been criticized for using her illness in his art. "Anna Christina Olson suffered from a degenerative muscular disorder that prevented her from walking. Rather than using a wheelchair, Olson crawled around her home and the surrounding grounds, as seen in Christina's World.''
The painting has always affected me greatly
DeleteFeeling "obliged" to do anything is not good. Doing whatever whenever you feel like it is much better. I would pay good money to try that scotch egg and soup - it looks very fine.
ReplyDeleteAndrew..both were bloody lovely
DeleteTruly
Another lesson to learn
Proper cooking
I’d got out of the habit
Ah... I think the last time I actually "cooked" anything was a mere vegetable curry in, eh... 1978. Prior to that, eh... scrambled eggs on toast many times between 1965 and 1973 and... eh... nope... There's a thought eh? Heating things up does not count, of course.
DeleteIf you email me your address, I shall make you a scotch egg and send it
DeleteThanks, but no need for that.
DeleteUnsure.?
DeleteU sure?
DeleteI love reading your snippets of everyday life , about the anecdotes of your animal family,film reviews ,village life . I think you are immensely generous with what you share and I really value you and your world x
ReplyDeleteJane and I love doing it
DeleteIt’s a habit and part of my life for a decade and a half
But I’ve never had to cope with full time night shifts, and lockdown
Before
Now I will listen to My body and take a day off blogging when I need to ....it’s part of my daily routine
Do what's best for you! We will be here...
ReplyDeleteWrite or not.,.no pressure
DeleteThe kindness of the man to find a print of Maga’s Daughter for you shows how much he appreciated you in what must have been an incredibly difficult time for him.... turkey sandwiches and soup sounds fine it’s family that make it special x Tweetart
ReplyDeleteHe was incredibly interesting
DeleteAn art dealer and one time travel writer
You've lost me John.
ReplyDeleteTell me how and I shall explain..
DeleteI just feel better today
Whether that is a combination of not feeling I have to write anything coupled with a good night/ days sleep
Some therapeutic cooking
A good movie
Who knows
There are those of us who must write, no matter what. An hour or so after I took my fall and broke my ribs, I sat down and wrote about it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply a narcissist and sometimes I take comfort in thinking that writing is one of the greatest joys of my life so why deny myself that?
ReplyDeleteSame for you, John Gray.
And we who get to read the words that you write are grateful.
It’s a habit and something very necessary
DeleteBut with tiredness and lockdown it suddenly felt like a chore
I let that bother me rather than just to say I’m not writing anything today
Those long shifts, and the commute time add to them, must be really draining. And you’re heading into winter with less light to brighten you up, it’s no wonder your batteries are flat.
ReplyDeleteWe understand, and of course you should only be blogging when you want to. We have come to care for you, and your menagerie so we do like to know you’re safe and well. Not to forget that we appreciate your skilful writing.
That Scotch Egg looked delicious, can we have the recipe please. Even if you photograph the page of the cookbook.
A Christmas party of hot soup and special sandwiches sounds a great plan. Will there be Christmas pudding with brandy sauce? That could be made in individual (Physically isolated!) dishes too.
It’s a low fat scotch egg
ReplyDeleteAs follows( my own recipe)
800g low fat pork mince, season with Lots of herbs of choice ( mine coriander )
Garlic paste, salt, pepper, Worcester sauce
Leave to firm in fridge
Boiled egg.....cool
Wrap in lots pork meat
Cover in PANKO breadcrumbs
Dip into egg
Cover in second coating of breadcrumbs
Cook in hot oven until panko breadcrumbs brown ( my huge eggs took an hour)
I make a Slimming World friendly version. Thaw out a couple of Linda McCartney rosemary and red onion sausages then mould them round a boiled egg and bake in oven or Actifry for about 20 mins. Gorgeous with salad, cheese and chutney for a quick lunch or tea.
DeleteThanks John, the double layer of Panko crumbs sound five star!
DeleteI hope its not for too long , I love reading your blog x. but I appreciate that it can become a chore in these dark days . Its almost like we have reached that bleak spot after christmas and before spring except there are months instead of weeks .
ReplyDeleteIt wasn’t
DeleteJust a long weekend
Thank you for your recipe for scotch eggs. I think they will be delicious.
DeleteBloodylovely
DeleteNot surprising you feel a bit off when you work those sort of hours. I've always found the process of making soup therapeutic and comforting when I'm feeling down, helps to keep the demons away.
ReplyDeleteBloody tasted lovely
DeleteWow have I missed you! So glad you feel more balanced and a bit better. Be well, good man, you deserve to. - Mary
ReplyDeleteJust needed more sleep, a bit of company and a decision not to blog when I don’t need to
DeleteYour slice-of-life snippets are always worth reading, John!
ReplyDeleteXx
DeleteSoup is my saving grace. Adore it. Tis the season. Love Stanwyck. Always reliable. Loved your outdoor luncheon. Beautiful pastry. Chin up.
ReplyDeleteThe soup was a physical sticking plaster over a tired body wound
DeleteSometimes it is good to take a break from things, to change up the routine. It sometimes energizes me. Take care...
ReplyDeleteThank you mick x
DeleteSometimes we have a need to write and get feelings out so we can move forward. Writing because we feel we have to is never good. I like this diary style writing you have done here. Whatever you do, relax and take care of you. People that care about you are here whether you write or not.
ReplyDeleteGoing gently was always designed to be a diary
DeleteI had to keep that going for me
Ooops Sorry John I hadn't even missed you!
ReplyDeleteI’ve hardly been gone sue....just being dramatic xx
DeleteSome just have to write. I always have. Mostly I've kept it - not easy as so much is on paper. It's somehow reassuring to read about, say, 1982, even the crap times.
ReplyDeleteIf I didn’t blog . I would always now keep a journal
DeleteI'm always glad to read whatever and whenever you write.
DeleteI've never made a scotch egg, think I'll have to try. Yours have inspired me, John x
Dead simple recipe see above x
DeleteIt’s not an empty room, we’re all here waiting when you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteDo what you feel, take the time you need, look after yourself. Much love to you. Your Scotch eggs look amazing!
Debbie in London
Thank you debbie x
DeleteI have only worked in a hospice as a volunteer on the nursing station after I retired from teaching John. It is a strange job - half of me felt drained and half of me felt fulfilled. You are 'in the thick of it' and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like you are doing sometimes. Frankly I will read anything you write even if it is just a row of ******* Take care dear heart, take your time, do your own thing - we all love you.
ReplyDeletePat, finally it takes an objective voice
DeleteThis resonated with me “ half of me felt drained and half of me felt fulfilled”
You have hit the nail on the head, thank you
I’ve never felt drained from work
Even when I was a ward manager on spinal injuries
The hospice does empty your reserves...without you knowing
Perhaps, just don't feel you have to make us laugh every time you blog. We can cope with you feeling sh***y - happens to us all!
ReplyDeleteGood point well made x
DeleteIt's not quite chattering in an empty room...more like having a private conversation with multiple friends at once? And if what you feel like is some private time, you can't be upbeat, or feel that there's nothing you want to say today, that's OK. x
ReplyDeleteThank u x
DeleteI missed you John but you must Always put yourself first and as I've got older I remind myself that if I can't be arsed I must not be afraid to admit it even if it's only to myself x
ReplyDeleteI was only gone a weekend lol
DeleteThe combination of night shifts, lock down and hospice are not an easy combination for anyone. A bit of scaling back is important for your own health and well being. Your scotch eggs look delicious.
ReplyDeleteThey were
DeleteI was elated to see your new post and enjoyed reading it all. Isn't it amazing what a well loved food can do for your mood?
ReplyDeleteTa for not staying gone for long but do feel free to take breaks prn! For you non medical folks, that means "as needed".
Take good care of you, enjoy your music, the lovely art that surrounds you at home, and the heartwarming anticipation of the art print of "Maga's Daugher" that is coming your way, thanks to the kindness of someone.
Hugs!
It is a beautiful piece of art
DeleteThank you for sharing . Great, giant hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteNo , don't let go just yet, I need a little more hug.
We all do x
DeleteAlternating shift really messes with a person, eh John? Gawd I hated it.
ReplyDeleteIsm beginning to too
DeleteIt is great to catch up, missed you. The scotch egg looks wonderful, I should try making them again. Your conversation on art, was comforting at the right time.
ReplyDeleteWasn’t it
DeleteBe Well, write when you feel like it. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteWinter is coming and it is getting dark early now.
gayle xx
It feels oppressive x
DeleteOh i did miss you and glad you shared some of your daily doings. You are always the first blog i go to in the morning and the last one i check at night. Yours is so completely human and relatable. i can only imagine the burden of the heavy job you do so well. So anytime, anything you want to write we'll be here.
ReplyDeleteI have tolaugh at the way you're "not blogging" but have written a snippet each day and published them. It's a part of you and you can't stop :)
ReplyDeleteI agree, blogging is joy, not work. Approach it in whatever way works for you with a medicinal scotch egg on the side
Writing about my day, I HAVE to do blog or no blog
DeleteJohn there is no need to blog everyday it's your blog to write whenever the mood or time strikes you I don't see to many blogs where people blog daily and I'm totally fine with that, I shall always look forward to reading yours it's like a letter from a friend that I care about. Put your feet up and relax, no pressure after a days work John.
ReplyDeleteI love Andrew Wyeth as well and have his book The Helga pictures.
Margo
The Helga pictures are striking but it is the portrait of his wife I found the most haunting
DeleteI dunno, John. I think this is one of your best blogs ever.
ReplyDeleteNic oene lol
DeleteCaretakers often get burned out, and it sounds like that has happened to you. Self care is not a bad thing. Take some moments for yourself. It sounds as if it is over due. Andrew Wyeth is also a big favorite of my own. I saw his Helga collection when it was in Washington DC. My favorite picture has always been 'Wind From the Sea'. I always feel as if I can almost hear the seagulls and taste the salt in the air.
ReplyDeleteI was tired and bored which is a lethal combination as it breeds depression
DeleteNice to read your snippets, even if you think they are not worthy of being posted. For me, it's a brief few moments of life outside of the US and the storm that continues to brew here. I quite like reading about your day. Hope you are feeling well.
ReplyDeleteI like Rachel’s blog for the same reasons, her chatter about the mundane I find strangely interesting
DeleteWyeth rocks!
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t he just
DeleteI really like this diary format of your blog John. It reminds me of Alan Bennett. I bet you are feeling emotionally drained. It is hard to be there for everyone else without leaving yourself behind. Hope you get time to catch up with you. x
ReplyDeleteGoing gently was always going to be a dairy narrative of village life, that’s why I wrote it in the first place
DeleteI only wish I were this interesting when I felt I had so little to share.
ReplyDeleteSo much this!!
DeleteSome shifts at work drag you down. I am on light duties due to a frozen shoulder and am on a mon- fri, 8am -4pm shift and I'm more tired than ever. Ready for a holiday i think.
ReplyDeleteAt least I’m physically ok xx
DeleteMissed you but totally understand your feelings, burn out and the onset of Winter can make a body feel drained and heavy. Take care of yourself, those scotch eggs look scrummy.
ReplyDeleteThey were bloody lovely
DeleteThe occasional post that you're okay, even in just a few words, will help enormously to keep us reassured.
ReplyDeleteThank you dear raymondo x
DeleteDear John, It may feel like an empty room, but it so isn't. I'm sure we all miss you - you write so well and so evocatively. Be gentle with yourself - it's a rotten time of year. xx
ReplyDeleteThe sun is out today and I’ve another scotch egg to look forward too x
DeletePerhaps you can just set up some posts to publish at a later date whenever you are in the mood to write, and not feel too pressured to post as often or to answer comments, unless you are in the mood too.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's nice to converse with readers via the comments, those that know us well enough know we will answer if we can and just read their responses if we are busy.
Make yourself a priority, making those scotch eggs was a genius move, and they look good too :-)
Just me being a drama queen
DeleteJust should have said nothing and just waited a day or two lol
Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteYou're still blogging, in a way -- you're just writing your posts, collecting them and putting them up later. Which is fine! Whatever blogging rhythm suits you!
ReplyDeleteThose eggs are clearly from a Scotch pterodactyl.
Hugs John 🌼
ReplyDeleteSending hugs John. It's hard right now.
ReplyDelete