Thursday, 6 August 2020

The Shrimp Vase and other thoughts .....


I had a lovely day yesterday.
I met up with my date and we had lunch out , ice cream on the beach and a mooch which resulted in him buying a load of bedding from a lovely Asian shopkeeper  and me buying a robust vase with a design of a shrimp on its side!
I also decided that my date and I would remain as firm friends rather than anything more hazy or nebulous which is a decision I am happy about .
Gay men in their fifties can be complicated beasts and contrary to belief I'm not fickle or complicated at all but I think I do read people well and certain phrases and words and deeds jump out to remind you where you stand .
Once furnished with this information, it cannot be ignored .

I once let a friendship lapse after receiving a belated birthday gift of some garage flowers . The quality of the gift was not the issue, what underlined the death knell of the friendship was the lack of thought about the gift , something that was very evident in a relationship previously based on kindness and thoughtfulness.

Of course situations are much more complicated than I describe but the main messages hidden away can be plain and simple to read if you have the emotional intelligence to understand the cues

I am suddenly reminded of my former mother in law here, who when I informed her that I was marrying her son on such a date, remarked that she had a nice red dress which would do!
The would do comment may have been lost to many, but not to me .
Would do underlined her opposition to the marriage which only truly showed itself in later more unhappier times.

Dating in your fifties is an odd experience for on the surface it is no different that dating in your twenties and thirties .
But of course it is different
We all have baggage in our fifties ,we all know what we do want and certainly what we don't want.
And In my case, I think I read situations much better than I did in my salad days

And so I have a new gay mate that I get on with, how good is that?
I was sharing a fantasy of travelling to Japan yesterday afternoon and he suggested that he would like to go too
" Absolutely !" I agreed
Looking out to sea, where the azure water of Llandudno bay met the sky




92 comments:

  1. Well done you.
    A friendship is not something to be sneezed at either.

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  2. Why would you want to be in Japan when you can so easily visit Llandudno?

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  3. The ‘Absolitely!’ said it all in a noncommittal way! Hopefully he read into that what you read into your ex mother-in-law’s remark about the red dress?

    LX

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  4. Better a good friendship gained than a date that goes wrong and is never to be seen again. I am sure "the one" is out there somewhere for you. Glad you had a lovely day.

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  5. Strong, comfortable friendships (with benefits is an added bonus) can be as important (or more so) as that one intimate relationship. You have some exceptional and enviable friendships, and that says so much about you.

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  6. Replies
    1. The garish colour mixed bunches of daisy like flowers usually wrapped in cheap cellophane and bright pink tissue, that you find on a garage forecourt, gasping their last in a fug of diesel and exhaust fumes.

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    2. I've had them thrusted and they stunk x

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  7. It's good to have lots of friends for different times and occasions. I love mine - from school, neighbourhood, schoolgate and 1 (!) from family. I and my children have been on the receiving end of 'that'll do' gifts from husband's family despite thought and care given to theirs. My 'bff' did not behave well during my mental health problems so I've distanced from her a little, luckily the others picked me up.
    I'm glad you have another friend cos you're a smashing bloke. I envy your seaside jaunt, we're in Kent so that ain't happening! x

    PS I can't remember if I mentioned before, but our old Alfie dog had to be put to sleep during lockdown. He'd had an interesting life bless im. Cried my face raw when we had to hand him over from the car. Covid can fuck the fuck off.
    PPs sorry bout super long comment ��

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    Replies
    1. Susan, I’m so sorry for your loss. We had to say goodbye to our 15-year-old fur baby in April. As if that wasn’t difficult enough, watching someone walk off with her because of this lockdown was heartbreaking. It’s coming up on four months and I’m crying as I type this.

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    2. So sorry to hear this, we were at the vets with our Pug when we had to witness a distraught couple handing their beloved dog over for the same reason, we were in tears too. We NEED to be with them at the end don't we. Fuck Covid.

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    3. Susan, I am also so sad to read this. There must be a better way to let us be with them.

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    4. I am so sorry Susan.I wasn't allowed to be there with my dog and that was before lockdown as he was so poorly the vet phoned and said he wasn't prepared to wait until I got to the hospital 50 minutes drive away-I believe they are now safe within our Hearts xx

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    5. Thank you everyone. We had him over 16 years. Even Mollie Cat (his best frenemy) misses him. X

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  8. Your a wise man John enjoying time and making new friends and maybe a travel companion to Japan who knows
    and one new friend can lead to getting to know his circle of friends and who knows where that may lead.

    Your vase and flower arrangement looks stunning.

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  9. Love the shrimp vase! Glad you had fun.
    And this really struck a nerve:
    "Gay men in their fifties can be complicated beasts and contrary to belief I'm not fickle or complicated at all but I think I do read people well and certain phrases and words and deeds jump out to remind you where you stand ."
    Preach!

    XOXO

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  10. I remember my husband telling me to collect my birthday present from his brief case (bad enough). It was an eternity ring. He then went on to tell me how he'd gone to loads of shops trying to find a 'CD or DVD or book' to give me and 'ended up getting this'. I never did wear it and was thankful when it was stolen in a burglary.

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    Replies
    1. Ooh that's harsh. I gave my husband 3 babies cut from my belly - he gave me nothing each time. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore, still married tho - why? Hes older than me *chuckle*

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  11. Dating at any age can be difficult but there we do tend to benefit from having a bit more wisdom. If we choose to use it. It sounds like you are :).

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  12. Why do wisdom and self understanding come so late in life? Nice vase,

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    Replies
    1. Yes David I wanted to be wiser so many years ago

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  13. i always told my kids that to pick a good companion, make sure you are best of friends first. they booth listened. plus, not rushing into a relationship means you are comfortable being with yourself.

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  14. "Would do"? - I too would feel the below-the-belt punch even without knowing the wider context.

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    Replies
    1. She was nice but never kind Raymondo

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    2. Mate, I wouldn't have cleaned the dog snot. I would've wiped their arses on her pillow. I'm pretty sure my sis in laws preferred his first wife.

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  15. you are a wise man; the vase is lovely.

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  16. Having already answered the question on garage flowers, what exactly is a mooch? Some form of shopping I gather?

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  17. A mooch is a troll about the shops and a general walk

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  18. You may have baggage, but it does include a stuffed chameleon now, so it's not all bad. Travelling together is, in my experience, a telling test of friendship. Were you considering bringing along your new gay best friend? Therein could lie a thousand tales!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous3:33 pm

      And a fish pillow..

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  19. Your words touch me. With great friends you’re never alone.
    Patty

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  20. Sounds a good way to be going having thought about it John. I knew my farmer while I was still married - and my husband used to joke about how much he 'fancied' me. He was a bachelor and I was 59 when we married - I never for one moment regretted my decision but I agree you go into a relationship in a very different mind set as you get older. But glad you have a new good friend.

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  21. Lovely vase and lovely flowes.
    Good to hear you had such a pleasant time with your friend.

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  22. A nice vase, good to see it doing its job already.

    Friends are important, good mates also.

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  23. I agree that if one listens carefully, those little off comments can say a lot.

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    Replies
    1. Listening and watching
      Listening and watching

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    2. I'm a bit of a coward; I tend to gloss over in my mind whenever I hear one of those comments. Never forget them though, all compartmentalised if that is such a word, in my brain.

      Jo in Auckland

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  24. I'm extremely good at picking up the nuances of conversations and looks, and like you react accordingly. Once you realise something you know it. If I think I might have gotten the wrong end of the stick I am not averse to asking something outright ... I think that comes with age.

    I once ended a relationship when my date showed up 50 minutes late, he said that I had gotten the time wrong, but I knew for sure that I hadn't. If he had just apologised we might have limped forward for a few more weeks but wheedling out of something by passing the blame is as bad as deception in my book.

    I'm glad you've got a new good friend, and a trip to Japan might be wonderful in the future. Who knows! But ice-cream on Llandudno beach sound like more fun :-)

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    Replies
    1. You précis grabs the gist of my blog succinctly

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  25. Big Baggage! More than I like to admit.

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  26. I am sure you are a good friend and lover. In return, you deserve the best of both. Culling the prospects takes skill and clearly you read the signals. A trip to Japan sounds exotic and wonderful to look forward to.

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  27. Lovely post filled with hard-earned wisdom.
    A red dress which would do? Pretty blatant message there if you ask me. And I remember how you used to clean and get ready for weeks when she visited.
    Ah well.

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  28. Anonymous2:47 pm

    I know what you mean about off the cuff remarks with other meanings, or disguising true feelings.
    My boss wanted me to share some duties with a right little shirker, her skirts were shorter than mine and she could give a girly giggle to any un-funny joke said boss made, but she was a right lazy little madam!
    Anyway, l told him that l wasn't an 'also ran' meaning l didn't want to share tasks with her,it didn't go down too well, but he changed department soon after, then she left the firm as well, phew!
    Gotta watch that big mouth of mine!
    Tess xx

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  29. Anonymous2:51 pm

    P.S. l like the little fellow on the radiator, it looks like his eye watches for you to enter the room and he has a ready smile.
    What's not to love about him, sweet little chap
    Tess xx

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  30. Could you please clear the dead flies from your window sill?

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  31. It's not always easy to make friends in your fifties either, so well done.

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    Replies
    1. No it isn't
      I've made several this past year

      Delete
  32. The older you get, the more baggage you collect.
    Ex's, kids, pets, belongings, debts. The list goes on, but it all depends upon how YOU cope with your baggage,
    You don't need to take on other peoples baggage until you're able or willing to.

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    Replies
    1. I would be mistrusting of someone without baggage

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  33. "Firm friends" sounds like an excellent arrangement and outcome.

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    Replies
    1. I think so, but I am disappointed

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    2. I was wondering if you would be disappointed John. To realise and accept a certain relationship doesn't have the legs to go any further forward in a desired direction is one thing but it does leave certain feelings hanging around. In my case deflated balloon springs to mind.

      Jo in Auckland

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    3. Better to be disappointed now than badly hurt in the future x

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  34. Barbara Anne5:01 pm

    Lovely vase, lovely flowers, lovely day, lovely firm friend!

    Not everyone is as discerning when they get older as you are, John. You choose wisely and it serves you well. :)

    Hugs!

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  35. I'd be thrilled with garage flowers [?] and a red dress.

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  36. Well a gay mate and travel companion certainly isn't a bad thing. I wonder if I would have picked up on those emotional cues you mentioned? I sometimes think I'm tone deaf to that kind of stuff. Love the shrimp vase!

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    Replies
    1. Perhaps I over think things steve
      But in this case I know I'm right x

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  37. Most times it is in the listening that we learn so much with our silence.

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  38. Well done! Anytime in the past when I've gone against my gut feeling, I've been sorry. A good friend and a trip to Japan? Sound just purrfect. Hugs.

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  39. Your bouquet and vase are beautiful!
    The words listen and silent are the same letters ... just arranged differently! Words to ponder!

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  40. Emotional intelligence is not something everyone has. You have it in spades.
    The shrimp vase is wonderfully vulgar!

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    Replies
    1. It's rather full on and charming I thought lol

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  41. Who was it that said, 'When people tell you who they are, you should believe them'?
    I didn't do that enough in my younger years, a lesson I will not need to learn again! It's nice you've got a new friend, though. Friends are often more important than partners or lovers.

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  42. I've been disappointed to hear and jolted awake with comments by others.Now I think it's best to never to look to another person to for happiness-I'm happy with that x

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  43. "I once let a friendship lapse after receiving a belated birthday gift of some garage flowers"... Oh dear, I bought my wife some cheap flowers from Tesco today as it is our wedding anniversary. Still it is anniversary number 43 so I suppose she has just accepted that I am a cheapskate :) She was actually rather surprised that I had bothered! :)) (By the way, she bought me nothing, perhaps we are a good match).

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    Replies
    1. Oh and "Things don't matter," she once said. I love her.

      Delete
  44. I seem to know stuff about people and not know how I know it, I just assumed it was some kind of instinct but you've alerted me that it's probably in their subtle words or behaviours.

    You sound really happy, settled and at peace. I love it

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  45. The last time I dated, I was in my fifties. Good times. Still single.

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    ReplyDelete
  47. I agree John, as we reach 'a certain age' we can evaluate nuances and read situations with more discernment.

    I think a friendship, without an agenda of 'Future', is a lovely gift to each other. And if there's a trip to Japan sometime, or just companionship over an ice-cream, that's fine too.

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  48. Have to say I don't usually notice those subtle unstated messages, but I certainly noticed my mother's hidden messages. She would be polite enough on the surface, but I knew I had plenty of opinions she disagreed with. She thought homosexuality was thoroughly unnatural, but she would never say so openly.

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  49. Reading about you dating again has inspired me to join a dating site--which I did just this week!

    This experience you've written about reminds me to respect my instincts too when I hear "certain phrases and words and deeds"--NOT what one wants to go forward!

    There's more leeway in friendship than in a marriage.

    Thanks for being brave and ploughing on!

    ReplyDelete
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