Rachel Philip's in her blog written yesterday talked about being brought up in a household dominated by men https://racheldubois.blogspot.com/
She noted that it was expected that she worked just as hard as her brothers. Brothers that were taught to sew and mend though perhaps not to cook.
I suspect her mother worked just as hard as all of the men and cooked
Women are very good at doing the quiet martyr thing.
Like many gay men do, I grew up in a household dominated by women,
Early on I learnt that women were housewives who fiercely guarded and equally despised their roles within the home.
The home was my mother's life. there was no thought of a career, an education and even hobbies outside of it, and I quickly became aware of the principle of the hard done by martyr. A middle aged Cinderella with too many chores to complete
It was my maternal grandmother who injected fun into her housewife role.
Her zest for the simple caring role gave me a love of baking and simple cooking and storytelling.
In 1982 I met Harriet Knowles at a mental health day centre. I had just left work in the National Westminster Bank and had been accepted as a volunteer at the centre during a long hot summer. In the autumn I was due to start my nurse training at the West Cheshire Hospital.
Harriet was a retired social worker, University lecturer and a local counsellor back then and came into the centre a couple of times a week to teach the clients "home skills"
well spoken and incredibly well educated she often would cut baking classes short in order to run a poetry writing exercise or a discussion on things in the news. I remember one afternoon she even organised a cream tea complete with scones and bone china with mental health patients who had never even seen a doily after which she told stories of her time at Oxford University during the 1930s and her wild holidays in Nazi Germany with many bright young things
Harriet told a story of how she would cook dinner for her academic husband and three children after a day social working whilst reading poetry from a book propped up on the window ledge.
"Life was a juggling act! SOOOO I juggled EVERYTHING!!! she told us with gusto
"Do everything...try everything!" was her mantra
and alongside a motely group of long term mental health patients I learned for the very first time that a woman's place wasn't always located in the home
She noted that it was expected that she worked just as hard as her brothers. Brothers that were taught to sew and mend though perhaps not to cook.
I suspect her mother worked just as hard as all of the men and cooked
Women are very good at doing the quiet martyr thing.
Like many gay men do, I grew up in a household dominated by women,
Early on I learnt that women were housewives who fiercely guarded and equally despised their roles within the home.
The home was my mother's life. there was no thought of a career, an education and even hobbies outside of it, and I quickly became aware of the principle of the hard done by martyr. A middle aged Cinderella with too many chores to complete
It was my maternal grandmother who injected fun into her housewife role.
Her zest for the simple caring role gave me a love of baking and simple cooking and storytelling.
In 1982 I met Harriet Knowles at a mental health day centre. I had just left work in the National Westminster Bank and had been accepted as a volunteer at the centre during a long hot summer. In the autumn I was due to start my nurse training at the West Cheshire Hospital.
Harriet was a retired social worker, University lecturer and a local counsellor back then and came into the centre a couple of times a week to teach the clients "home skills"
well spoken and incredibly well educated she often would cut baking classes short in order to run a poetry writing exercise or a discussion on things in the news. I remember one afternoon she even organised a cream tea complete with scones and bone china with mental health patients who had never even seen a doily after which she told stories of her time at Oxford University during the 1930s and her wild holidays in Nazi Germany with many bright young things
Harriet told a story of how she would cook dinner for her academic husband and three children after a day social working whilst reading poetry from a book propped up on the window ledge.
"Life was a juggling act! SOOOO I juggled EVERYTHING!!! she told us with gusto
"Do everything...try everything!" was her mantra
and alongside a motely group of long term mental health patients I learned for the very first time that a woman's place wasn't always located in the home
And, unfortunately, in most cases, it hasn’t gotten easier. I look at my three daughters and see that the treadmill I was on, has picked up speed in these times.
ReplyDeleteWe brought up our only child, a daughter, in an egalitarian household. Her Dad worked shifts so was often cooking the meals, hanging out washing etc when we arrived home. She married a man raised by a down trodden martyr who got a terrble shock when he realised that no one did his ironing or cleaning or cooking. They now are a fairly equitable team where each does a fair share and they pay someone to do decorating, car fixing that they don’t want to do. Her Dad is still her first port of call for DIY and me for sewing. In fact, I’m just about to go and convert a very expensive pair of trousers into shorts for my SIL.
ReplyDeleteGood for Harriet. She taught you a valuable lesson. My mom was a fiercely independent feminist and career woman in the '70s and she wasn't very into "domesticity." But she did cook dinner for us, every night!
ReplyDelete"Do everything - try everything" I like that.
ReplyDeleteAn emotive subject for me. My mother would agree with you that a woman's place wasn't always in the home. After a few years and three children she quickly wearied of the role as wife and mother so decamped with a man 10 years her junior. My poor Dad never got over it, bless him. I loved him dearly and have never forgiven my mother to this day.
ReplyDeleteVery formal John. Yes, I said my mother worked as hard as my father and ran the household too.
ReplyDeleteGreat post John! I would love to tell more about my lovely mother Gladys, who died 16 years ago today, aged 91.
ReplyDeleteIt's a sad day when memories of her and a life well-lived are keeping me busy between tears and smiles.
So, another time perhaps. . . . . .
The only 'housewife' in my life would have been my mother, and I don't remember her. My other female role models were aunts who had been teachers, some aunts married to farmers, and the widows of farmers. All hard-working multi-taskers. My school, an academic girls' grammar, educated us to work and run homes - Latin and Shakespeare, sewing and cookery, we had to do it all.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that the world has gotten crazier since women no longer prefer staying at home to raise their children before pursuing their own interests or careers. To me it's the greatest gift a woman can give her children - else why have them? I wonder though what it would be like to have a mother like Harriet, God bless her!
ReplyDeleteMy mother was the first woman Architectural Engineering graduate of the University of Michigan. That was a big deal in the 1920's. I know she couldn't understand anyone who would want to be a housewife. Nor could I.
ReplyDeleteI also grew up in a household full of women: mom, gran, cousins, sister. They were all pretty and pretty opinionated. All were and are more han Suzy Homemakers.
ReplyDeleteI’ve never met a housewife in my life.
XoXo
I was a stay-at-home mother and wife. I was/am crap at housework, but I was a great mom. I viewed every day as an opportunity to do whatever I wanted to do and the children were always a part of whatever it was. We went places, we played board hames, did jigsa puZles, I drove them to activities, did hatever they needed. I did the shopping and cooked dinners. I didn’t iron, rarely dusted, nor did I vacuum daily. I loved being with my children. We didn’t want to send our children to daycare and never did. We lived a very frugal existence, but the kids never knew it.
ReplyDeleteI have been very lucky to have pulled it off.
Your choices sound a lot like mine! I have the younger son at home still, and though I had part time jobs for years, when the last one fizzled out I was happy to stay home 100%. (I think I am part hermit...) I/we home schooled the boys when the Waldorf school down the hill closed, so I feel incredibly close to my kids. I still miss son #1 who is living in Germany... I am the worst at housework, though I tried harder when the boys were tiny. I take great joy in cooking and we have raised chickens, ducks, and geese, both to eat and for eggs.
DeleteI never regret putting the Times crossword puzzle and reading poetry before housework. First things first
ReplyDeleteEH
I subscribe to the weavinfool school. Creating a cozy home gives me pleasure, soft blankets to curl up in, books everywhere, treasures hidden for grandchildren to discover, and what someone called decorating with dogs. Cleaning and cooking, not so much.
ReplyDeleteWhat made you decide to go into nursing John?
My mum liked taking care of her family but I also know that she would have loved to have been a teacher. She often talked about the days in the '50s when she worked at Eatons and how much she enjoyed it. My father wouldn't let her work outside the home but she found other ways, she volunteered.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy my work and I enjoy taking care of my family, I enjoy both more when I am allowed the time to do both. I work part-time now and that helps. When my kids were growing up I worked part-time too and working was a reprieve from child care which was nice.
I think men and women both want choices.
I always knew I wanted an education because I was desperate to get away from the god-awful council estate I grew up on. BUT I would have loved nothing more than to have stayed home with my children and taken care of my family. It wasn't to be sadly as I earned more than my ex and I was the one with the expat benefits (we were adamant that our children would be educated in English). As your first commenter mentioned, life has just moved up a gear for so many young women who both work full time and in many cases (like mine) did everything at home too (hence he is my ex). Although my parents were great the only people ever expected to do any work in my home were the daughters and I once pulled my mom up on it after I had cut the grass while my brother sat on his arse watching cricket. I couldn't fault them for anything except for that out-dated view of the way things got done. The girls did the housework (and the outside work in my case) and the boys did bugger all!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMy mum was a career woman and was very successful. However my dad was very jealous of her success but enjoyed the financial benefits as she earned 3 times his salary. My sister and I were latch key kids and we hated being alone at home after school. Weekends were a whirl of housework for mum as dad did bugger all!! I've had periods in my life when I was a stay at home mum, worked part time and worked full time. I loved being a stay at mum the most as I was desperate that my own kids wouldn't feel the way I did as a child.
ReplyDeleteI see this a lot and have had to deal with it myself - a sort of sullen resentment from the male half for one's success. It put a strain on our relationship but we hung in there and then it flipped and things were easier. MrC is a darling human and in the past few years he's stepped it up a lot and does housework without me asking and without making a fuss so I praise him for it. Thank goodness.
DeleteMy mother went back to work outside the home, when I was about 10. We needed the income that year. She seemed to enjoy it and worked steadily into her 60’s. She dominated the house.
ReplyDeleteMy mother was not very good at being a housewife/home maker. My auntie taught me to cook and run a house.
ReplyDeleteMy kids never 'suffered ' by not having clean uniform, lost plimsoles, running out of provisions bla,bla, bla.
I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mum, only went to work when they were older and then still prefered days at home.
Fortunate enough my husband earned enough to keep us all
If l had my choice today, l would love to be one of those yummy mummy types ala Jennifer Aldridge! (radio character on radio 4) a clean, neat, well run house is important to me still.
My 2 daughters couldn't give a stuff for housework, my son prefers my ways.
Tess xx
I know some troubled men who were brought up in an entirely male household. I cannot think of anything worse for a child.
ReplyDeleteI let me husband know before we were married that I intended to be a stay at home mom if we had children. He was fine that. I took my homekeeping and child rearing duties very seriously and did a damn fine job!I am lucky to have a husband that loves to cook, so he takes over on occasion. My mom stayed home, but did bugger all and my brother and I were rather neglected. I suppose that is what made me want to do a better job.
ReplyDeletemy husband, not me husband. Starting to sound like my Nan!
DeleteI would much prefer to stay at home and be a homemaker but with a large mortgage to pay it is impossible for my better half to pay it himself. We are second time rounders, well I am, he never married so started late and with mortgages way above what they were. My mother was a reluctant housewife and probably mother, she was almost always grumpy..but maybe it was stress of making ends meet.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
Just a thought on the “quiet martyr”... In my teenage years, this was how I thought of my mother. I knew she disliked and resented many of “her” responsibilities in the home. My father was responsible and loving, but oblivious. I thought that if she didn’t want to do those things, she should just stop. Then, after marrying and having children, I became my mother. My husband travelled for work and wasn’t around to do the things that keep a house/family going. When he was home, he was “tired”, thought my standards were too high (I was concientious but not meticulous), or just said that he didn’t care much about clean clothes, bathrooms or decent meals, and if I cared, I should do those things. So I did; and worked full time (as school principal/head after earning a Masters degree when my children were young), and made all the doctors’ appointments, bought shoes for P E, knew who the teachers were, and when spring break was scheduled, and all of the other bits and pieces of family life. I didn’t complain because it proved to get me nowhere. I didn’t want to be the quiet martyr, but I was just that. The marriage (obviously) ended, my children are successful, happy adults - I have some regrets, but not many.
ReplyDeleteI bet you arranged childcare too. I don't know or have ever met a man who has arranged childcare.
DeleteA woman's place read like a chapter in a book well written John. My mum was a housewife as was I but now that my husband is retired he does all the shopping and cooking which is a real treat as I can enjoy my hobbies.
ReplyDeleteI am currently teaching my adult sons to cook and iron, they are totally capable but just can't be bothered! I think women (and gay men?) often rush to do something for a helpless looking man simply because they can do it better/quicker (I even polish their shows for them for goodness sake - because my grandad taught me how to do it properly) I find it hard to step back but we have progressed - they can iron shirts and cook pasta, fried eggs and steak - I could now take up knitting or something!
ReplyDeleteshows = shoes!
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a real dynamo. And what a good lesson to learn that all women are not meant to be 'housewives' forever.
ReplyDeleteMy father always expected my mother to be a housewife and strongly objected to her doing any paid work. But once we kids were grown up, she was determined to train as a teacher and did so despite my father's angry resistance.
ReplyDeleteYour experience could not have been much more different than (or is it 'from'?) mine. Although I did start off working in a nursing environment for a short while. I've found it fascinating reading through all the comments too. I should say that I don't find anything wrong in a female (or male) choosing to make a career of being a 'housewife'. When we married my wife said "I do the cooking (she was a brilliant cook and hostess) and the ironing and you do the housework." On asking if that was negotiable I received a flat "No." I've lived on my own for 20 years and whilst I have a very wide variety of interests I am very content to include cooking, entertaining and housework amongst them
ReplyDelete"Like many gay men do, I grew up in a household dominated by women,". I didn't and I think it is an odd thing to say. Households of dominant women make men gay? My handsome and sexy uncle who lived with us might have made me gay, but no, not really.
ReplyDelete