The class of 1983 with our tutor Mr Brint
Paula -Top row right, Mike Far right.
I am on the far left
It was in the late autumn of 1984 when Mike, Paula and I started our general nursing placement at the Royal Infirmary in Chester.
As second year psychiatric nurses not that long out of our teens, we were so out of our comfort zone as the trim general nurses bustled around with more purpose and vigour than we were used to. But , for the most part our colleagues were kind and the task orientated care fairly easy to pick up.
The ward was a surgical one, with a busy turn over. But there was one patient that remained a sort of constant during our time there and that was Mr Chivers.
Mr Chivers had been a solid large man when young. He had, as far as we could make out, experienced several large surgeries on his bowel and bladder and had a daily hour long slot made for him in an afternoon where the most experienced of the staff nurses would change his dressings.
He now weighed the same as a ten year old girl.
He was single and had no family, but was a chatterer by nature, so it wouldn't have surprised anyone that we psychiatric nurses gravitated towards him
Like puppies do to a smiling face.
And so when I helped roll Mr Chivers for his dressings that smelled like rotting fish to be changed, he quizzed me about my family roots in Liverpool and we talked about his wartime experience in York with his best friend Knobby.
Before his teatime morphine kicked in to his system, he would hold Paula's tiny hand so firmly until her empathy tears were wiped away along with his and every morning he allowed Mike to shave him alongside the scouse banter Mike was well known for even though he was perfectly able to do it himself.
Mr Chivers was our go to man. He waved to us on arrival and on our departure with a skinny yellow hand and his locker drawer was constantly filled with liquorice allsorts which could be plundered by us in between observation rounds, post op checks and urine bottle washing.
He read the Radio Times and planned our tv watching for the evening and he held up his crossed fingers when one of us were taken aside for an assessment on our aseptic technique
.
The ward sister was , I think, well aware of our relationship with the old man but had bigger things to concern herself with. She did , however make a point of saying rather too curtly that "Mr Chivers would not make Christmas" in handover once after Paula had joked about taking him out Christmas shopping.
It was soon after this when Paula and I came on duty at 7.15am, we stopped at the nurses station
looking at an empty bed 7. The mattress was scrubbed clean with antiseptic and the locker was emptied of liquorice and pyjamas.
Mr Chivers had died around 6 am.
he had been alone as it was medication time.
Paula cried her way through handover with a blotchy face
I kept my eyes to the floor
and the ward sister, looking weary even at that early time called out "Nurse Bestwick, Mr Gray a moment please!" as the nurses filed from her office.
She was not unkind
"You psychi nurses really need to harden up a little" she told us carefully handing Paula a tissue
"This is about the patient and not all about you"
Paula and I must have looked a little bemused by her words so she explained
"Mr Chivers got a great deal of pleasure looking after the three of you these last few weeks. that's what helped him through. You made him feel useful and needed."
Then it all made sense.
The stories during a smelly unpleasant dressing change was a distraction for my benefit.
The unneeded wet shave and the hand holding.
Things designed to comfort us and...not him......
"Now wash your face and get back on the floor" the sister instructed us her thoughts already on another 100 things to do.
and we both left her office a little older and a just a little wiser.
well that made me cry in a nice way
ReplyDeleteMatt x
Nurses need to become battle hardened. There's no mileage in shedding tears over every personal tragedy. You just have to breathe in deeply and carry on. I can say this because I have lived with a nurse for forty years.
ReplyDeleteI think what it taught me that it Wasn't all about us.
DeleteThank you, John. You've made me rethink time I've spent with dying older friends over the years and different conversations we had. I already knew I got as much or more out of my "helping" than they did, but I'm realizing now how they may have seen it a little more fully and I'm thinking ahead how to approach the years when I'll need the help.
ReplyDeleteFeeling useful is such a human need...much more than we think
DeleteBastard. You have an ability to make my eyes teary. Older and a little wiser might be translated now to harden up princess.
ReplyDeleteIre read it and shed a tear too andrew
DeleteJohn what a beautiful and wise post today and one which is really food for thought. Sadly both of my husbands were unconscious for a while before their deaths. But i still value your words.
ReplyDeleteFeeling useless is such a depressive
DeleteIndeed. Getting back on my feet has been a bit of a drag. Feelings of uselessness bubble up to the surface from time to time.
DeleteI always make sure I have tissues handy when I read your posts - just in case and sure needed them today. What a lovely and emotionally generous man Mr Chivers must have been. xx
ReplyDeleteI think his actions were instinctive and protective of himself...
DeleteYou should write a book of you experiences. Very touching. A lifetime of being there for others.
ReplyDeleteI think he was there for us David
DeleteWords of wisdom and copious experience from the ward sister....
ReplyDeleteShe had not time for fluff as I recall
DeleteA little harsh, but probably wise.
ReplyDeleteYesperhaps the senior management ismore touchy feels...perhaps
DeleteAs I head out to visit my 102 year old father, I will take your emory/story of Mr.Chivers with me. Thank you, John.
ReplyDelete.....memory/story
DeleteJimbo x
DeleteYou've just got to write that book, no shit, as the youf would say!
ReplyDeleteTessie xx
I may have to try one day
DeleteI will never know how nurses do what they do - certainly angels in disguise. I sat with a dying friend in hospital once - she said the kindest things to me, and seemed to be helping ME through her last hours. . . . . . and she smiled which made me glad to be with her.
ReplyDeleteLove the photo with Paula's arm through yours - and you haven't changed much.
Yes that was the aim of my post.... the girl with her arm throughout mine is Sandra ....a lovely warm Wirral girl Paula is on the back row
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThere is a special place in heaven for nurses and doctors.
ReplyDeleteThe pub
DeleteA little older, a little wiser... and still empathetic.
ReplyDeleteAnd still scruffy
Deletewhat a sweet memory ... and i think the 'help' went both ways-
ReplyDeletegood wishes your way-
Exactly
DeleteGreat story, John. And a nice tribute to Mr. Chivers and his difficult life.
ReplyDeleteI could never be a nurse. Thank you for your service.
ReplyDeleteWe all could be a nurse.. they all aren't angels joanne xx
DeleteThe wisdom of an old man, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd the need of a poorly one
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteProbably not allowed now to speak thus.
ReplyDeleteOh indeed, the sister would be up for bullying
DeleteAnother stunningly beautiful and achingly sad post. Thank you, John, for remembering those times and for passing them on to us so eloquently.
ReplyDeleteThank you....I remembered mr chivers the other morning at work
DeleteNurses are like soldiers. Really. I have no idea how they do it.
ReplyDeleteA fantastic, important profession that should get more recognition.
Loved the story. The wars sister was right: you gave the patient much more than you thought.
XoXo
And shereminded us that it wasn't all about our feeling
DeleteYou had good nurses and teachers, patients included, teaching you. A lovely story. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt's important to remember these moments
DeleteI was thinking that Mr. Chivers would be pleased he is still remembered by the three of you, and now all of us. What a powerful story.
ReplyDeleteI remembered it out of the blue at work
DeleteOne of your most poignant stories to date John. Thank you for the inspiration and flowing tears.
ReplyDeleteXx chin up
DeleteAlright … you got me, lump in my throat again!!
ReplyDeleteMy work here is done xx
DeleteOne of your best John.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteWhat a lovely man...
ReplyDeleteSuch a touching story, I think it made us all sad.
ReplyDeleteIt was supposed to be a happier tale
DeleteWhat a wonderful true story about an unforgettable thoughtful man.
ReplyDeleteI knew you in the photo before I read the caption because of your kind, smiling eyes. Some things don't change with time.
Hugs!
My hair is also the scuffiest too
Deletea wonderful and humbling story.
ReplyDeleteYou have led an interesting life. Love that photo of you and your friends.
ReplyDeletecheers, parsnip
I hope I've got a bit more interesting things to do xx
DeleteYou just made me cry again. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the teary eyes.
ReplyDeleteChins up dearheart
DeleteWhat a wonderful story and tribute to Mr Chivers John.
ReplyDeleteI think it underlines how people adapt
DeleteGod rest dear Mr. Chivers' soul. Another beautiful chapter, John. Really, get all your stories collected together and begin on a plan for your book. I have an early edition of "The Weekend Novelist" by Robert J. Ray because I've wanted to write a book since I was 6 years old - ain't gonna happen. I have no interesting tales to tell, but you do! And you have a gift for storytelling. That book, or something like it, would be a great inspiration, a guide to get started. Don't die with your music still inside you. Your blog is a start! You have the power to move souls...and the material for a best seller. ♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteI could do with the royalties
DeleteI really wish my mum were still around to read some of your nursing posts, she'd have loved them. She was an old school nurse, who fought hard to get into the profession in the first place. I remember some of her stories with fondness.
ReplyDeleteWe've all got stories inside us me thinks
DeleteThank you so much for your stories, that you so eloquently tell in your blog. You never fail to touch my emotions. Whether it's laughing myself silly at a funny comments or story you have written , as my brain converts your words into images. Or as in the story about Mr Chivers, I have been reduced to tears.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your blog. I look forward to it everyday.
Thank you Lorraine x
DeleteSo very true that you youngsters gave Mr. Chivers purpose. You've reminded me of times when my wheelchair-bound father went to the aid of others at his nursing home. He couldn't walk and he had COPD and the use of only one hand, but he could holler for help when a lady fell and there was no one around, and he held many a hand of those who couldn't talk. I marvelled at how he did it, but as you say, I think it was instinctive and helped him as much as - or more than - those he was aiming to help.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to help a mr chivers
DeleteBeautiful story, John. We are all our brother’s keeper, or should be.
ReplyDeleteMy son has a friend who has had ALS for almost 20 years now. He is totally handicapped and communicates thru a computer. He can do one thing, though, and that is to grow his hair which is then donated to a group that makes wigs for children with cancer. His life matters more because he has purpose.
My brother died of ALS , you may remember
DeleteI remember.
DeleteI can only hope to have a small measure of the nobility and grace that people like Mr. Chivers had when facing "the end". So inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI have seen so many people just get on with things
DeleteNo last words, no out pouring of emotion
Just a quiet living and moving toward death
That story is beautiful, but so it the way you tell it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteTa chuck
DeleteThis is a very poignant story that touches my heart John, Mr Chivers sounds very much like a few of my old darlings that I help look after... I love working with old people.. although some can be very cantankerous most are funny, wise old loves who can tell a good yarn. The ward sister gave out sound advise to my mind... makes you think outside yourself. Don't stop writing John, everything you write makes images in my mind and often creates tears in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
I love reading your stories John, even though they quite often move me to tears. Your ward sister was a wise women and Mr. Chivers, was a sweetie. As many have said, these stores would make a wonderful book.
ReplyDeleteI had a student with a terminal condition and she became my shadow at school. Even though I shouldn't have, I allowed her to "help" me with teacher's duties. She loved it even as I watched her fade away before my eyes. As we were eating our lunch together, she asked if dying hurt. No one in her family allowed her to talk about death and she was obviously scared. So, praying for the right words, I told her that no, dying doesn't hurt because you are moving into another place where you will be with family and friends who have died. She smiled and died shortly afterwards. I remember her fondly.
ReplyDeleteWhat a story! Mr. Chivers would be honored that you remember him so well all these years later. I've never thought about patients caring for nurses, but I guess that DOES happen to some degree, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI love that you shared this wonderful story and I cried right through it. We can do so much for others without even realizing it...just by being kind. Thanks John.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wished I had wanted to be a nurse, if that makes any sense to you. I did so value working with them for our shared patients. Your story is so poignant — wanting to feel useful is indeed what most want.
ReplyDelete