Poor Baby Baby


There is a famous photo of the writer Dorothy Parker that shows her haunted depressive nature. It may of been just a fleeting moment, caught by luck by a journalist's camera but the deadness behind the eyes is unmistakable .
I defy anyone to see any hope in it whatsoever.

I have a patient with such an expression.
She is dementing and at night spends long periods awake in the darkness, her gaze as fixed as Miss Parker's as she waits and longs to go back to a home she has most certainly has forgotten .
She refuses the comfort of a bedroom light, asking for the  one I set hastily set up to be " put out"
The darkness shrouds the reality of a care home bedroom that's not home.

A couple of weeks ago, I called into work to complete some paperwork and took Mary with me.We sought the patient that looked like Dorothy Parker out and carefully I sat  a wounded post op Mary onto her lap.
Mary sniffed a whiskered  chin with good nature as she was patted with a flat palm
And the deadness behind the eyes lifted
" Baby Baby Baby" the patient whispered " poor baby , baby baby"
It's a cruel disease 

72 comments:

  1. I dont think there is anything worse than when you go to see your parents and one of them doesnt recognise you, yet you saw them the day earlier. Its like a kick in the guts and a punch in the head all at once. Yet other times there is a light in their eyes. Songs do it a lot of the time. Maybe she has a music type that will bring her alive even if briefly. it could be worth a try

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  2. As you say,it's a cruel disease. Your patient may not find her way out of it,yet at least Mary was in that woman's strange little world with her for a few moments, right then it's landscape was less bleak. -Mary

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  3. Morag6:22 pm

    That was so kind taking Mary in to see your patient. So poignant that the poor baby, baby is herself. So sad to be lost to life and so unhappy. Thank goodness for caring and kind nursing staff such as you, John.

    Dementia truly is a dreadful affliction.

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  4. Dementia and Alzheimer's patients still respond to animals and music, don't they! And even the depressed respond to music and animals ... I hope. -Kate

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  5. Alzheimer's and dementia are truly horrible afflictions.. I have worked with such patients in the past and my lovely late ma in law went down hill rapidly with it... she was a gentle old soul who fought it till the bitter end. Thank you John for being such a caring nurse... unfortunately I have met many who are not!

    Jo in Auckland

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  6. I used to do pet therapy with Rosie. Almost everyone who's done it has a similar story of an unreponsive patient connecting with their dog. Perhaps you could work some regular dog visits into your schedule?

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    1. Yes, or arrange for others to go in......hummmm

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  7. Animals can be so healing to those that suffer.

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  8. Life can be so bloody unfair at times John, tis a wonder there are things still to smile about..

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  9. I've always said LTC/nursing home nurses are a special breed and deserve every penny they earn.

    Surgical floor grunts like me are a dime a dozen.

    When I worked LTC, my spousal unit would walk over to meet me after my shift and bring our dog. The patients loved that dog (who technically shouldn't be in the building because he wasn't a therapy dog). He and the spouse would stand in the door entrance and the old guys would go out for fresh air and tail scratching.

    They gave me a card when the dog passed.

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    1. I used to take Finley into my acute spinal injury ward

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  10. Thank you for taking Mary to visit this poor lady. My aunt owns a residential nursing home, the kind I would love to end up in. They regularly have animals visiting, dogs, donkeys and the residents love it. She has told me of the wonderfully, positive effect on those with dementia. Just a shame the elderly aren't always treated so kindly.

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    1. Yes...care is variable
      As is pay and training in the private sector

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  11. A sad post.

    I bet Mary would make a lovely PAT dog, in fact knowing their characters anyone of your dogs could do this.

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    1. William would have been the best I think, his gentle nature would suit the situation...
      Winnie would be stealing the wine gums

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  12. Anonymous7:31 pm

    Do you know that recently l went into a care home for dementia patients, it was at a Christmas Fair Fundraiser and it struck me then that WHEN we get this soddin' house sold and move somewhere we can have a dog again AND providing that dog is suitable tto do it, l would like to join PAT and take her/ him into care homes to visit.
    Your beautiful post has made me want to do just that, when l get organised and settled.
    Task for next year, positive thoughts!
    Thank you John.
    Tess x

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    1. I mused about taking winnie in but she'd topple every wheelchair

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  13. One of the very cruelest diseases.
    Thank you for taking Mary in.

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  14. You a kind soul...good idea, animals do a world of good.

    And so do martini's dear. “I like to have a martini,
    Two at the very most.
    After three I'm under the table,
    after four I'm under my host.”

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    1. "Four be the things I am wiser to know:
      Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
      Four be the things I'd been better without:
      Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
      Three be the things I shall never attain:
      Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
      Three be the things I shall have till I die:
      Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”

      And
      " what fresh hell is this?" ( one of my favs)

      “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

      And
      “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.


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  15. As it is. Dogs don't ask questions, they are.

    Hb's grandmother spent her last years in dementia unit. Our dog (mean old bastard who looked like a hound from hell on his good days) visited her regulary every Thursday with my father in law. When residents were asked, if they knew what day it was, they said happily Yes, this is the dog-visit-day! Grandma didn't know who was that man with the dog, but she surely knew the dog, so my poor father in law was "Hey you man with the Dog". So for two years every Thursday my dog visited those old people, let them pat his hairy head and ate what they offered him. Well, kind of. When grandma died, nurses found handfuls after handuls of half melted mints in pots of potted plants. Poor dog had accepted treats and spat them away when no one could see!
    Officially he wasn't allowed there, but he wasn't officially told not to come... (and being a dog he couldn't understand official statements).

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    1. Yes I've used the dogstories to orientate the residents of me day date and name... find something they are interested in the orientation improves

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  16. Yes. It's a terrible thing when a human being's core personality is eroded away like a sandcastle.

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    1. Yes I never want to be seen like that

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  17. Strangely enough John we saw a lady with dementia when we were out today. Herhusband looked similarly haunted. I play with friends for Alzheimers patients and their carers - they love singing the old songs - some of them have had high powered jobs and now are more or less completely helpless. Cruel indeed.

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    1. It's a faraway look I hope I shall never show

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  18. Dorothy is my lifeline

    You have been catalyst to another round of sobbing. When I am done with my own misery I shall send good thoughts your way, but until then I curse you John Gray.

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    1. Apologies Mavis
      But ifs it's any consolation I have cried daily ( a wedding of a tear) every day since easter

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    2. I am over my self pity now, but just cried again for you. Those good thoughts are coming to you lovely man.

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    3. That should have read shedding and not wedding

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  19. Many persons with dementia respond well to animals (dogs, cats, birds) and to familiar music. I encourage people to list the music they want to hear, (and will add pets they want to have visit) in the event they are unable to communicate, The person is still there, parts of them shining through from time to time.

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    1. Yes. The same patient asked me later why I wore my specticals funny"
      (I have a habit of putting them on my head)

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  20. The three things that always got a reaction from residents at my dad's nursing home were music, babies, and animals.

    Bless your heart for thinking of taking Mary in. How is she, by the way? Is her ear getting any better? Poor baby, indeed.

    And poor Alzheimers patients. I hope I am never one.

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    1. No the ear irritates her dreadfully although the infection has gone...
      Her sister Jessie btw is expecting puppies

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    2. That's too bad; I had hoped things were improving. Isn't her sister very young to have puppies? Are they for selling? I don't like that thought.

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    3. No her sister Is three as Mary is

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    4. Oh! I didn't realize Mary is three! I still think of her as nearly a puppy.

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  21. Heather9:02 pm

    My Mother in law died in June after having Alzheimer's for 7 years. Father in law was wonderful looking after her and my husband and siblings had a rota to give him regular breaks throughout the week. We used to sing with her most Saturday mornings. Sadly she had to do into a specialist care home in April. The staff in the home were wonderful, the home has a resident cat and you can see the folks eyes light up when they see it. Thank you for sharing Mary. One of the saddest things was that most of the residents in the home had no visitors, one visit a lady came to sit on the sofa with me, put her legs up on me and wanted to hold my hand, I had no idea what she was saying, I'm sure she had no idea what I was saying to her, but she was just happy with me holding her hand. Such an awful disease.

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  22. Bless Mary. Bless you.
    Bless all of us frail beings.

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  23. It's one of my biggest fears, dementia. Yesterday I couldn't find my car in the Home Depot parking lot. Took awhile but I felt foolish, that grey haired lady wandering around the lot, looking for her car.

    It's a shitty disease.

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  24. John my mum is currently in aged care with alzheimer's and your post struck a sad painful chord with me.... she still appears happy and knows who we are, but I know where she is headed and it breaks my heart... she also loves my dogs and you've made me see that as she deteriorates I think she would also love a visit from them xx

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  25. A simple kindness. You are a good soul.

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  26. Animals offer comfort to almost everyone.
    When I take Sophie in to see my Dad at a veteran's hospital
    99% of the patients that can see her want to pet her. They look and feel so much better afterwards for a few minutes.

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    1. Auntie glads second home had chickens walking around it!

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  27. Anonymous10:33 pm

    My mum had vascular dementia, and my dad has lewy body dementia, and whilst very different, they're both devastating. I recently returned to nursing, and was shown a clip on you tube - dementia friends bookcase analogy, which I think everyone should watch. It's helped me understand my dads behaviour better.

    Its wonderful to see how animals bring people to life, every residential/nursing home resident should have access to one. My dads home recent acquired a rabbit, and there's a lovely picture of him on the wall petting it. It's a long time since I've seen his face so animated.

    Pauline

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  28. Our friend Duck invented a dog he named Plaid. He would often sit in his chair and stroke Plaid's back. He bequeathed Plaid to us, and we often find ourselves talking to him.

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  29. My mum had a Cocker spaniel and when she went to a nursing home we got her a stuffed one which she carried with her all the time, the nursing home had a dog that was the most loved dog, by all the people and an uglier dog had never been born.
    Pets and music seem to stir up memories my mom and I danced together around the room at the home when they had a small band play just before Christmas she seemed young and in step and died the following week in her sleep such a happy last memory of her.

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  30. Barbara Anne1:44 am

    After my sweet mother had had Alzheimer's for about 2 years, her face became blank most of the time. When we sang Happy Birthday to her, she brightened and tried to sing with us. After she became silent, when I put lotion on her hands, she said "That feels good."

    Gentle animals and elderly folks show God's grace in action.

    Big hugs!

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  31. Anonymous1:50 am

    My cousin, Janet's dog, Oscar was a pet therapy dog with St. John's Ambulance in Hamilton, Ontario.. Janet took Oscar to retirement residences, nursing homes, and universities and collages during exam week. My cousin died very suddenly in April and there were four pet
    therapy dogs at her funeral brought there by Janet's colleagues. Janet would have been pleased to know that. Elaine in Toronto.

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  32. The LTC I worked in had a baby and toddler group. Years later I am still filled with gratitude for those young Mums who were willing to come in once or twice a month. Happy times for all.

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  33. Cruel disease for sure . . .
    The holding, touch of Mary clicked something form her darkness.

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  34. I see this sort of expression often in my line of work. It is tragic.

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  35. People in those circumstances benefit so much from animals, children, and music that they should be a big part of therapy.

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  36. That photo is quite hypnotic. The only gaiety being in her dress.

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  37. aww that's so sad 😢😢😢

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  38. You are such a kind man, John, I wish I could meet you.

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  39. Animals can be such wonderful therapy for even the most depressed, disconnected people. One home where I volunteered weekly with people with Alzheimer's and dementia had very realistic baby dolls and a collection cribs. Some residents who didn't relate in any other way became so loving and interested when they cared for those dolls.

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  40. My mum died in February she had dementia. She went down hill very rapidly after falling and breaking her hip. Funnily enough she hated dogs all her life and this continued right to the end! Your post made this dog lover sob her eyes out.

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  41. We're going through it with my dad. It's a very cruel disease. My dachshund, Peanut, instinctively knows when he's agitated and sets himself on dad's lap. Animals have magical powers.

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