Thursday, 6 December 2018

Am Dram


I'm irritating myself
Last night I went with the family to an am dram version of Charles Dickens Ghost Stories which despite a couple of fair actors in it , couldn't have been more dire if it tried.
Usually I would have seen the humour in the bad writing, wooden acting and stinking ramshackle theatre but to be perfectly honest, the whole event just depressed me even though I tried to be amused when a near mute Judge came on during a court scene wearing a Lily Savage wig and Father Christmas coat ......my heart wasn't quite in it from the get go
If it was a professional performance, the quality of the piece would have pleased me- I'm not very tolerant of bad anything at the moment.
I've just been short with the vet's clerk on the phone for not sorting Mary's claim forms out and at the Christmas Market the other day, a well intentioned lady who demanded a hug and my presence at her Christmas Day dining table after she just heard that I am now living alone nearly got a sharp leave me the fuck alone sort of comment.
Of course I smiled and thanked her and moved on.
Smile and glide....smile and glide.

I'm up and down like a pair of whore's knickers.

I've decided to have Christmas on my own this Christmas and I suspect suddenly single people may understand this much more than any concerned observer who just want to support could do.  I have Bluebell so will pop down with gifts for my family in the evening, and Bluebell will allow me to take control of what I do and when I do it.
Christmas morning the dogs and I will go to Colwyn Bay Promenade with coffee and cocktail sausages .
I don't want people to "pop in"
Having people feeling sorry for me is almost a painful thing at the moment and I feel a bit shamed by it all.
I also know that I'm not much company at the moment and I'm irritated at my own petulance

Smile and glide John ...and shut the fuck up

125 comments:

  1. I totally understand how you want to spend Xmas. Been there done that. Hugs.

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  2. Yeah John, stop sounding so needy! You are a self sufficient person. Get on with it. I hope you never offered such advice to mental health care patients.

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  3. Understood. I went to see Nativity Rocks yesterday. It was dreadful.

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    1. I've booked an over expensive rail ticket on the 22nd to London where I will meet nu for the day

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    2. Good plan John. Some time with Nu will be the best. She loves you no matter what. I totally understand the feelings of ....leave me alone..but of course, on goes the polite smile. Hugs to you my friend. Mardy. 🇨🇦

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  4. Many female sex workers don't wear knickers - preferring to go commando.

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  5. Yes, too much kindness can kill, allow yourself time before you judge how you are doing.....

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  6. As a fully paid up member of the leave me be club I totally understand your stance this year. Next year could well be different. Do it your way. If people don’t understand pass them on to me and I will more than put them right. If it is appropriate big hugs.x

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    1. I don't want to ruin anyone's day
      The sulky bitch in the. Corner

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  7. I think it's smart to allow yourself to simply feel what you're feeling. Christmas may not be joyful on your own, but neither will it be joyful with others possibly (and then there's your guilt for not feeling like good company). It sucks! But I think you've got some nice plans. Come to Spain. Jerry's miserable every Christmas... just because.

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  8. I don't blame you. At the most difficult times in my life all I have wanted is my own company, the freedom to diffuse it all in the act of small tasks, some practical or meaningless or of self care, with the luxury of abandoning them at any moment to eat, sleep, sob, laugh at the irony of it all or stare into space for the longest time revisiting memories and what might have been. You cant do that whilst trying to be pleasant and apprecietive of some well meaning soul. I'll add that after my 6th miscarriage a 'kindly soul' blurted out the offer to be God mother to one of hers.... Definitely a fuck off moment. I wish you a gentle, peaceful Christmas John and a New Year blessed with things to help your heart heal. Much love. xx

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  9. Do what you feel is right for you, John - bah humbug it is then. We just want to hunker down and do our own thing Christmas day too. Our year has been shit in its own way (nothing like your shit), so we're doing what we want.

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  10. Having spent about six Christmas's on my own I can heartily recommend it. Get some wonderful food and decent booze in, some books, videos or crafty/hobby stuff of your choice and then mercilessly indulge yourself.

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  11. I once whispered to a boyfriend that I was going commando. He told me it was bad hygiene. Not a keeper.
    Sometimes you just need quiet.

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    1. Gawd...what an idiot he was!

      Jo in Auckland

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  12. All I can say is when you have pets you are never alone, my own little dog has been a fab companion since my husband passed away.
    Heather

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  13. It takes time, allow yourself time and distance. May 2019 be kinder to you.

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  14. Too much emphasis is put on being "merry" this time of year. If you're not up for it all, then you do whatever you need to to get through. There will be other (better) Christmas seasons for you. Take care, John.

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  15. I think a Christmas alone can be very good for the soul. You can indulge yourself without having to compromise. You can watch 'It's a wonderful life' and cry without having to suppress it. And most importantly you won't have to be nice to people you really don't want to be nice to.

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  16. I understand the plan to do Christmas alone! As far as your foul mood, at least you recognize it - you can work on it and until it is easier you can fake the nice :)

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  17. I need to adopt "smile and glide" as my new inner command. I'm feeling very peevish lately.

    Your plans sound fine to me. Control in some area of life is very important when there's so much happening that can't be controlled. xxx

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  18. Christmas alone has its upside. You can do what you want when you want. Get yourself some nice treats to have on the day. x

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  19. Can I just say you've had the year/month and week from hell so cut yourself some slack and don't make any definite plans for Christmas yet, just go with the flow on the day and do what you feel like doing. You are in the throes of grieving for several reasons and as a doctor once told me ' you have left the building when in grief'. It will get better. x

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  20. I cannot imagine anything worse than being down in the dumps AND spending Christmas Day in someone else's home, pretending to enjoy myself.
    I'd plan indulgences, from breakfast to supper. Fine food, some nice wine if you want, DVDs or amusements. Start planning now - get in the pickles or whatever takes your fancy.

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  21. Just tell everyone that you have a shocking catchy flu.... that should make them leave you alone .

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  22. Sounds fine to me John. I have never understood why - on one particular day one is expeected to be merry and bright. You can indulge the dogs - and yourself - you can do that walk on the Prom with all the titbits you like, you can watch rubbish TV and eat and drink as and when you feel like it. Personal indulgence is what is called for - go for it.

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  23. I will not offer advice of seeing this from another viewpoint, such as the kind offers are not full of pity but a desire for your company because they're stuck with the same old Christmas bullshit with their "families".

    Sending you hugs.

    Cocktail sausages on the prom sounds like a perfect Christmas lunch if you add a couple of slices of toast.

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    1. Point taken mave and I am so grateful for the invites....I really am , just knowing the invite is there means a lot

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  24. That's what I did my first Christmas alone. It helps to be able to come and go when it suits you. I did have dinner with my family.
    I went to my granddaughter's high school production of "Hairspray" And it was really good. I really enjoyed it.
    Take care, John.

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    1. Yes I aim to catch up with them

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  25. You wouldn't want to see Bath University's carnival floats right now, then. Hugs!!!!!

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    1. The students think that all they have to do is wrap an old sheet round them (toga, Bath, Romans, etc) climb up on the back of a flatbed lorry and shout at pedestrians. Compare with the amazing Bridgewater Carnival, where the floats are worked on all year before the procession.

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    2. Where's the imagination?a few christmasses ago Prestatyn Christmas Fabre had Father Christmas in a skip

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    3. Best place for most of them. A skip towed by reindeer?

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  26. Margaret B12:58 pm

    Thank heavens you bought that car so that you can get out and about, and dip in and out of socialising as you see fit. I'm not surprised you're a bit grumpy - who wouldn't be? Years ago, after being dumped by my husband of 15 years for his secretary (I know, what a cliche), with 2 small kids and no money, I used to console myself by thinking that he had to be happy to justify what he had done, whereas I had the luxury of being as miserable as I bloody well wanted to.

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  27. park your car somewhere else on Christmas day so no one knocks. Sometimes you just need to be alone. Eat when you want, watch what you want. Wear a dirty walking dead tshirt and dance about.

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  28. I agree with most of the comments, be yourself, be by yourself with the animals of course, don't be too sad about William or the other misery that plagues you at the moment. Think you can eat what you want, have a sugar high, feed the dogs little extravagances. X

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  29. I have never felt so lonely, as in a room full of well intentioned ( and some just plain nosy ) people. Go with what your gut tells you. You wont be alone anyway with all your beloved pets...

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  30. Morag1:33 pm

    Very wise, John to look after yourself. So much stress and grief is very energy draining. Not realistic to have the energy for being a guest on Christmas Day.

    I think cocktail sausages with the furry friends in Bluebell sounds great.

    Post separation and divorce I chose carefully what I did on feast days and often the most restful thing was to appreciate the invitations but chill out at home. Treats canine and human help!

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    1. I'm also working a short shift at Samaritans Christmas Day

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    2. You are a wonderful man. It's no surprise that you are in so much demand.

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  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  32. Your shift at Samaritans is more in keeping with what the day is all about - the snowballing commercialism is the cause of all our angst and unhappiness on a day that was meant to be so special. Enjoy it in your own peace, John. We don't do holidays at our house, not for many years. It's a time for quiet and reflection on just why it is that we're here on this planet. It's nice to divorce yourself from society once in awhile, and especially at this time. Blessings to you and your dear companions, good Samaritan!

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  33. I understand! Difficult two years with us with health, jobs, income and not sure what the future holds. Just want peace and quiet and no health dramas. Just for once this year, I've decided not to send cards etc. I'm too tired and got enough to do. Not knocking other people for wanting all the Christmas celebrations, we've enjoyed them in past years. But just this year, I need a break. Well done doing a shift on Christmas Day. It can be a difficult day for some. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right xxx

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  34. I have to agree with you about the stinking ramshackle theatre.

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  35. Barbara Anne2:17 pm

    My mom always told me I didn't owe anyone an explanation about why I was turning down an invitation - just say, "sorry, I have other plans, but thank you" and change the subject. She also said to make sure to do whatever the 'plan' was, even if it was only painting your fingernails. Be true to yourself even on Christmas day.

    If not a hug, then a gentle there, there.

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  36. One of the things I most detest about Christmas (and I do detest Christmas and feel free to call me whatever vile thing you want) is that we all have this expectation that magically all will be merry and bright and everything will be painted with an undertone of holy light and deep gratitude and blah, blah, blah.
    It's difficult in even the best of situations for an adult to feel this way and when we are going through hard times and find ourselves in unhappy situations at Christmas, the sadness of it can be overwhelming. And trying to inject cheer into the day can lead to even worse feelings.
    It's a day.
    And you can take comfort in knowing that you are loved and that people do care about you deeply and truly, even as you go about your own day in whatever way you want to.

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    1. You make a very valid point.

      A fellow author in writing class commented on the craziness of the holidays by saying, "Why is it we all feel the need to cram everything into one damn month?" She is right. We should want to see people we love anytime, surprise someone with a thoughtful gift or homemade fudge or a poem whenever, not just now.
      Sometimes I get down about the commercialism, but I admit, I do love to give gifts.

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  37. I am prepared. Three new books, a bottle of champagne, a very expensive box of chocolates and a boozy fruit cake. Christmas lunch would be fish and chips so do yourself a favour, when in London stock up on Scotch eggs. It's lovely eating something you're not supposed to when no-one is glaring at you.

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    1. Im going for a walk. Doing a short sams shift. Then a rare movie dvd . Nice food. Catch up with family late on

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  38. It is just a day. You are allowed to choose how you want to spend it. There is too much pressure.

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  39. what Ms Moon said. I have detested christmas for decades though I'm more mellow about it now. still don't participate. but you know what you need, what you don't need, so do it your way.

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  40. I've been the person who people invite out of pity, and I don't like it. And not just because I resent the feeling... I actually prefer to do my own thing, often.

    People are just trying to be kind and don't know what else to do, of course. And with me, they generally know that I'd prefer to do my own thing. At least they do by now.

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    1. I get it. I just have to change the routine this year . If i dont i would be reminded to much of married christmassas

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  41. I've finally come to terms with holidays, and don't bother with other's feelings much when I explain my take.
    I'v read every GG since No. 21, but missed Bluebell. Maybe I was down with a broken leg or something. Can you do a rerun. Thanks!

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    1. Bluebell is the name of my new car...named by bloggers.....ive had her a month or two

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    2. Wonderful. Having reliable wheels is perfect; getting out and about at will is perfect. Thanks. xxoo

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  42. I've been alone for coming up on 19 years. Finally sorted it out just as you have: it's best on my own. What family I have left just has to get along without my presence.

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  43. You should know by now that the best am drams are to be found in Grenoside!

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    1. And the last one I saw was professional to the last xx

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  44. Ugh!! When I'm down, I want company...someone to chat with about this and that and forget my predicament. My most memorable times have been after a break up. I partied in Mazatlán, Mexico, gambled & got drunk in Las Vegas, took a road trip with friends. After that I was fine. I can now feel very comfortable being along i.e. eating at restaurant, traveling, gatherings, and simply enjoying things alone. I don't have to cater to someone's needs when I'm alone. I love it. I meet all sorts of interesting people too. I take lots of photos so I can enjoy them with friends later. Surprisingly, I've made new close friends who like to do things that I like. So, I'm planning on going to a light boat parade next weekend...got an invite from a friend. A group of 15 of us took a trip to Cancun, Mexico with this friend, Mark, in charge of planning it. We had so much fun with action packed activities and I went snorkeling for the very first time in my life and I'm afraid of ocean! I nearly drowned in a rip tide when I was in college...the powerful ocean kept me underwater but the life guard saw my hair floating on ocean surface and rescued me! Anyway, go out and enjoy what you have always enjoyed and broaden your horizon...it feels good!!

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    1. P.S. I laugh at the movie 'What happens in Vegas' with Cameron Diaz.

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    2. I love Christmas i oh so do. Ive just spent the last 18 or so with my husband AND the family...

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  45. At least you won't have to fight over the remote control.

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  46. Two weeks ago I went to an amateur dramatic production of Breakfast at Tiffany's. It was OK (or so I thought) but my friends just thought it was weird. There was a work colleague in one of the roles, however, and she was crap. I was so transfixed by her that it ruined it for me and we (and quite a few others) left at the interval. Another colleague said she fell asleep during it. Shame really as they do put on some good stuff. The other one we walked out of was Much Ado About Nothing. Should have known I suppose - bloody awful - not the acting but the play! As for Christmas, I've spent it on my own too and while I had a slight twinge for a couple of moments at the beginning of the morning I rather enjoyed myself that day. Stayed in my jimjams, with a good book or TV. Ate crap and cracked a bottle (or maybe more than a bottle) of wine. What's not to love! You'll be fine John. Probably a bit miserable first thing but you will be fine I promise you. I didn't comment when you posted about William, but just like everyone else, sending you my condolences for the loss of your little furry friend. Anna

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  47. People asked me over for Christmas now that I basically have no one but I find there is nothing to make you feel even more lonely than stepping into someone else's Christmas.

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  48. It's a miserable season, isn't it? All of the forced jollity and expectations. The pressure to please everyone and spend far too much money takes a lot of the joy out of it. The rampant commercialism is overwhelming. Plus, if you are not a Christian, it's tedious to have the myth shoved in your face at every turn.

    There. I'm a grouchy bitch, obviously. I hope you do what pleases you on the day, John. And, I hope there are a couple of scotch eggs.

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    1. No it isn't I usually love Christmas , just this year, it's a bit overwhelming

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  49. I've always loved Christmas but there is a side of it that seems to hold too many expectations of us and it is easy to quickly become overwhelmed. In recent years I find I'm looking forward to January for the quietness and peace of it. It is good that you know you have many friends that care for you but it is also important that you spend this Christmas the way YOU want to spend it. So however that is just know that many do care. x

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    1. I justdont want to feel like a third wheel. And ive spent every one of tbe last 18 years with you know who

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  50. One of my very best Christmases was a looming disaster---home alone, snowed in, family hundreds of miles away.
    Yet I wore pajamas all day (changed in to fresh ones that morning!); ate cake for breakfast and cookies for lunch. Opened presents all day long at my own pace---no forced looks of gratitude; phone calls all day with family and friends the world around; watched a marathon of MASH episodes... an absolutely marvelous day and just what I needed. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
    I hope you find even a smudgeon of the peace and light I discovered on my own that Christmas.

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    1. Inspirational !! Im going to buy a couple of choice dvds tomorrow x

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  51. You are never alone when you have an animal family. Animals also never judge and give unconditional love. xxx

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  52. Do what is right for you and the menagerie. Hugs.

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  53. Anonymous6:50 pm

    I have a Mantra that gets me through the (for me), awful enforced jolity that is Christmas.
    My Mantra is ' the next season is spring ' yay!
    Also the shortest day is always late December, another yay!
    Tess x

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  54. Lynn Marie6:53 pm

    It is just a day. There's more than one way to celebrate it and you get to choose which way feels right to you this year. And it can be a relief to have the power to take a time out if you like. Doesn't mean you can't be Mr Jingle Bells Santa next year.

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  55. Christmas used to be my favorite day of the year. Then my father died in mid-December and I’d been with him while he faded. Then with the funeral, etc., I got home to my husband and children 2 days before the 25th. Putting on Christmas that year was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
    Once the children moved out we have had varying celebrations. This year we will go to one daughter’s home on the 23rd and the other’s home on the 25th. We’ll stay as long as we want and then get home to feed the animals before it is dark. Really, it is just another day of the year. Watching the grandchildren indulge in the opulence of the day is really what it about for me these days. But, deep down, it is the time of year my father died.

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    1. I feel the same about new year a dear friend died just before new year and ive never really celebrated since

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  56. Oh yeah, feeling like the fifth wheel (or third, as you put it) is the pits, even during good years. We have very kind neighbors who've invited us for their Christmas dinners a couple of times. The last time we did that (and it will be the LAST time), I got placed between her mother and uncle--neither of them spoke a word to me during the meal, and the mother constantly jabbed me in the side with her elbow as she ate.

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  57. I get fed up with well meant invitations 'because you can't spend Christmas on your own'. I live alone 365 days of the year, and actually I'd rather have an invitation to lunch on a wet Sunday in January when there's nothing on the TV! I spend Christmas with family now, but I did what you are doing the first year on my own, it was necessary and it was right for me.

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  58. I know exactly how you feel John. My husband of 33 years died without warning (he was leaning down and was dead before he landed on the ground) on 21st October this year. I have to move into sheltered accommodation, as he was my carer in addition to having a very responsible job. My son and his partner have just had a baby and have been wonderful. I'm moving to Crosby, Liverpool from Cumbria. We get the keys to my flat on Monday, 17th December and I hope to be there by Thursday, 20th December. My daughter-in-law's family have invited me for Christmas Day - my son has thanked them but said it will be too much for me. There will be 14 people there including six children! No thanks - I would only spoil it for them - I would rather be alone - my son, partner and baby will come round late on Christmas morning for a couple of hours and have a light snack. Then they will go for their Christmas dinner with her family. I will be happy knitting, reading, listening to the radio and perhaps, watching a little television in the evening. I'll probably have a few tears, but at least I won't have to force a smile all day. Sometimes we are best left to our own devices. Let's get through The Day (it is only 1 day) and then move on. I hope you have a reasonable day - and that Next Year will be a better one for you. With all best wishes. Jan xx

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  59. Oh dear God I too feel like sympathy is condescending and belittling and have to restrain myself from burning a bridge, if not the actual giver of it! Finding people who will just let you BE is hard. But people mean well. I just don't like people thinking of me as broken when I'm not, I'm just sometimes a bit dented! Smile and glide, no punching people in the nose. Rules to live by xoxo

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    1. My family want me there and its nothing but genuine

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    2. Oh that is different of course, but you need to do what you need to do for you <3

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  60. I lived on my own for a long while, and because of family tensions I often spent Christmas by myself. I was perfectly happy with my own company. I remember one Christmas reading Gulag Archipelago. Not very festive but it kept me occupied!

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  61. Totally understand how you feel about spending Christmas alone. There's nothing worse than feeling pitied, although I'm not sure it's pity, more a sadness at seeing a lovely bloke in your situation. Enjoy your coffee and sausages on the promenade Christmas day.

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  62. My mother was a widow for almost 50 years and she preferred to spend Christmas Day on her own. She used to tell fibs so that she could do so and pretend she was doing something if and when she got asked out.

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  63. This is an excellent plan, John. One holiday at a time.

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  64. Oh, honey. They are not feeling sorry for you. They are trying, in their clumsy inadequate ways, to show you that they love you, and they want to gather you in where they can let you know that you matter to them.

    But yes, it's understandable that you are angry. And you are smart to know that you have to give vent to that, in private, and mourn for your old life.

    As the kids say these days, "Do You." Do what you have to do to keep your sanity this year. This is the hardest it will ever be.

    XXOO

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  65. I would much rather a Christmas alone than tolerate other peoples places and pity. I intend to work my am shift this Christmas and then come home and cook some tasty offerings and plant myself on the couch with a nice bottle of something. In fact I might head to the bottle store now to look for some festive delight!

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  66. I totally understand how you feel. Other people should too....you know what is best for you at the moment. I've been there........hold fast with what you want to do, when you want to do it.

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  67. Anonymous2:21 am

    When tragedy strikes I can’t be with or talk to people, anything broken takes time to mend. Jo

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  68. "I'm up and down like a pair of whore's knickers." I'm stealing this. It's perfect.

    I don't care for Christmas myself. Christmas day I'll be taking my youngest daughter to a massive mall to eat McDonalds food, because that what she likes.

    Take care.

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  69. For your DVD viewing pleasure, may I suggest Alfred Hitchcock's "Rear Window"? It's a timeless classic. Can't go wrong with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly.

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    1. I have it. I wrote an assignment on it when i did my film studies course

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  70. 2018, annus horribilis, will soon be gone and may 2019 be your annus mirabilis!

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  71. Though my divorce was so long ago, I still remember my first year of holidays. Usually the invite would include 'we don't want you to be alone,' when, sometimes that's exactly what I wanted. Unless you've lived it, it's hard to explain that we can feel lonely in a crowd AND crave alone time. I hope your Christmas is exactly what you want it to be, John.

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  72. I'm sure that it's not feeling sorry for you so much as just wanting to support you. But you feel how you feel, right? Have a good holiday however you want it to be.

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  73. Christ you’re vile.

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  74. Gotta LOVE Christmas time, eh?
    You do what you feel is right for you at this time.
    The heck with the rest of the world.

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  75. Like your saying,"smile and glide John". A new day will come.

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  76. It's just another day John we only celebrate birthdays, when people ask me are you ready for Christmas I say "we don't celebrate Christmas" and that's the end of the conversation because I think they probably think we are Jehova witnesses no offense mean to them. Without children in the house I just don't see the point.

    Next month is a whole new year.I wish you a year of promise and cherished moments John.

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