Shame

My mother before the twins were born ( with my brother Andrew)

I've never really nursed anyone who might of known my parents before.
The woman I was giving insulin to the other day certainly remembered my father and my uncle, even though she mixed their names up. She recalled memories of my father's electrical shop in Prestatyn and even mentioned my fraternal grandmother so it was with some surprise when I spoke of my mother my patient said with all of the innocence of pre senile dementia " She was a bit of a secret drinker!" 
Even at the age of 56, I blushed crimson with shame.
I had never , ever heard anyone outside of my family that  acknowledged that my mother was an alcoholic before and a long forgotten embarrassment roared forward like a rogue wave on a beach as I was suddenly twelve years old and standing in front of my mother who was " asleep" on the couch.
Only the children of an alcoholic will understand the mixed emotions of shame, guilt, embarrassment and concern which have been piled upon young shoulders.
All emotions that could not be verbalised in a1970s household which never spoke about anything important
Last year when I went to help Chris choose some new glasses, we chatted to the optician who as it turned out knew my father very well. I asked if he remembered my mother and Chris chipped in with a joke along the lines of  "most of the Off licences in our home town did".
It was a silly joke not meant to insult or hurt, and came on the back of a history of me always making light of something so very dark, but the comment, said in front of a stranger stung me to the point of angry tears and I had to leave the conversation tight lipped and furious.

I don't know just what is worse for a child to cope with. The uncertainty and emotional rollercoaster of having an alcoholic parent or the secrecy and shame which is often handed out silently to everyone involved.

I put away the needle from the insulin pen and rearranged my patient's clothing
" She was an unhappy lady for a long time " I answered and the patient nodded
" All very sad!" She replied absently


118 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:31 am

    HUGS

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  2. Anonymous sent a hug, I send a X (now that's how rumours start !!!) Here, have a few more X X X X

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  3. I think it's time to put down the burden of that childhood shame, there is enough distance in time for you to break free from the chains that your mother had you bound in and step away a free and much lighter man.

    More hugs ((( ))) xx

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    1. I think the point of this post is that even if you think you've done that ..( and I had a bout of therapy in the 1990s regarding this fact) it never truly leaves u... I'm not defined by it. It seldom troubles me , but I suspect it never really leaves you

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  4. Ah, John. But you did good.

    Sometimes, maybe more than some times, people don't understand that making jokes ourselves about things that bother us is a way of coping, not a license to do the same. It's a difficult thing to handle.

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  5. I am a child of an alcoholic and I never considered that I was carrying around this kind of emotion for so many years ... far too young shoulders to understand the emotions, but a palpable void none the less.

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  6. my rule of thumb is to take my lead from the patient (or in your case, their family member)
    I'm so sorry, John. You could have done without that

    xo

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  7. My heart hurts. It’s shocking how some of that pain... and shame ... never leaves us.

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  8. We are always our parents children John, my childhood shame was poverty.

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  9. People speak without thinking of the impact that their words might have. I expect the patient was just making conversation and had no intent in embarrassing you. You handled the exchange just as a professional does - matter of fact and polite. Reading this post today has made me think more about what I say to people and how it might be received.

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    1. The patient is confused and frail. I had no problem with her at all

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  10. Those infamous Victorian era chapels which sprang up in Wales like madcap mushrooms with their hell fire and damnation preaching and no drinking on Sunday rules would be enough to drive anybody to drink. Thankfully they are now community tea rooms, libraries, craft centers, and bingo parlours or just empty.

    It takes all kinds of folks to make to make the world go round - Dylan Thomas, the man in the Bowery with his brown paper bag, most of the the House of Lords, and quite a few in the Commons, and in Vatican not a few cardinals and bishops are cut from the same cloth. The politicians are lucky they can sleep it off during debates.

    I've got drunk with bishops and paupers. They're all part of life's rich tapestry.

    I always say my doctor did his best day's work with a kind word, a bottle of whisky and two glasses.

    Of course there are laws and in Vienna it's not allowed to be drunk in charge of a dog for example. A woman whose Rottweiler recently bit somebody was found to be 5 times over the limit.

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    1. What I mean to say John is to keep things in perspective. Cheers!

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    2. I thought that was the point if the whole post....

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  11. My mother was "not feeling well" a lot for several years in my childhood. It is only as an adult I have realized it had to do with the bottle of sherry hidden in her closet. She was also very unhappy at the time but things improved and the sherry went away. I think a lot of women were secret drinkers.
    Peter

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  12. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of what it might be like to be the child of an alcoholic - and the emotional debris it can leave behind. Fortunately, it is not something that has figured in my family history - for which I am most grateful.

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  13. My mother was an alcoholic. I understand the shame.

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  14. My (Welsh) grandfather was an alcoholic. My mother wouldn't touch alcohol as a result, nor would her brother. She hated watching my brothers getting drunk, terrified they would become her father.
    I don't drink much. I am afraid if I really started I wouldn't stop.
    My son is an alcoholic. He has been sober for three years now. It could cost him his job if he were to drink again.

    You handled things well with your patient.
    I understand completely your reaction to Chris's "joke".
    A hug from Holland for you.

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  15. Lynn Marie11:43 am

    I remember when my mother was dying of cirrhosis in the mid 80s and I moved home to care for her, how the clerk at the neighborhood store felt the need to tell me what a remarkable number of beer can returns she had always brought back to the grocery store for a woman living alone.

    I was reeling in shock and denial and shame at the time, and it did not help. It still makes me cringe a little to think about it even though I understand so much more now and have discussed her alcoholism openly for years. I'm thinking about moving back, and guess I have to prepare myself for similar remarks.

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  16. I know that feeling all too well, John. I remember my senior year in high school a casual friend mentioned seeing my dad at the store the previous Saturday night and laughing about how drunk he was....my friend liked my dad, he didn't mean any harm by the comment, but I burned with shame. Another time, a catty girlfriend of mine (this was in high school, too) got jealous because some boys we had just met were paying me more attention than her, and she said something about how my dad "was probably drunk right now" and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole right there on the spot. Sometimes those memories are still enough to bring tears to my eyes despite being 43 years old.

    Hugs to you, dear John. Our parents are in no way a reflection on us.

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  17. Triggers for feelings, feelings that are strong right now in a time when you are especially vulnerable. Sending love and hugs your way.

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    1. Thank you for your post and email David

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  18. I don't believe the traumas of childhood ever leave, even with counselling. We just learn better ways to deal with it. It's unfortunate when people make remarks without thinking, and cause such pain. I'm a little shocked at your ex's remark as surely he must have known how your mother's drinking had affected you.

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    1. There was no insult intended, he was making a joke, as I had made Years of jokes before .....he just slightly misjudged it

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  19. Things like that do shape us as children. One of the biggest things you have to do when growing up is take full responsibility for your own life at the same time as acknowledging the effect your parents had, positive and negative. Difficult.

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    1. Yes....blame helps few in the long run

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  20. My father was an alcoholic, and then was able to quit drinking when I was about 12. My childhood trauma stems from a mother who had mental health issues. I, too, had therapy regarding childhood issues, which I found to help a lot. These things can still come back to haunt us, especially in times of vulnerability. -Jenn

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  21. You nailed it. Thanks for your writing.
    mary in maryland

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  22. I am right there with you on this one. It's a bit like grieving, when you least expect it you find yourself right back in the moment. There are certain songs I will not listen to for that reason. Take care,John.

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  23. Anonymous1:00 pm

    Shame felt as a child never leaves you, lies dormant until something stirs it up.
    After my father died when l was 11 my mother just sort of gave up.
    The house was filthy, clothes unwashed, food not bought or left to fester!
    I escaped as soon as l could.
    My own home pays homage to cleaning, shoes off at the door, cloths at the ready for spills, labels face the right way etc.
    The shame l felt bringing a friend home for tea not realising how dirty the house had become and then her telling all the girls in class about it has never left me.
    We just make sure that we can do better for ourselves and those close to us don't we.
    Tess x

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    1. And we need to forgive those that hurt you too...that's important , so important

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  24. It was my Dad. I know what you mean. xo

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  25. On a different note caused by my love affair with words, you had a maternal grandmother and a paternal grandmother, but you did not have a fraternal grandmother.

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    1. This from a native of the country which continually slaughters the English language!
      So, John made a mistake, I'm sure he doesn't need 'you' correcting him on 'his' blog!

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  26. I'm sure parents often have no idea what they inflict on their children through their behavior.

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  27. Tears here reading this....and hugs sent xxx

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  28. That's a hard thing to hear but it's not your shame to carry. We are not responsible for anyone's actions or words. Only our own.
    Hugs to you. X

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    1. And I know that......I truly do

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    2. I only realised that earlier this year. It was so liberating

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  29. Anonymous1:48 pm

    Hi John, ex husbands drinking was my shame, and for many years my punishment and torment. Eventually I had the courage to walk away, but still 20 years on have nightmares about him.
    Living with an alcoholic is horrendous.
    Jane

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    1. My thoughts and best wishes to you Jane

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  30. Morag2:28 pm

    Oh yes, this rings such bells. Fortunately for me, anyone who knew my mother is long dead. Have a hug ((( )))

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  31. Anonymous2:33 pm

    I think you are right John. It never leaves completely. Aeschylus spoke about the "pain that never sleeps". My Dad and brothers were alcoholics. I think it would be much worse were it the mother. I'm 66 and still have moments of the pain from childhood. Donna@gather

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    1. I guess most of us , alcohol related or not, have shadows and ghosts from our childhoods

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    2. too true, sadly

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  32. So many hugs to send to you.

    cheers, parsnip and badger

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  33. Bulls eye!
    I relate to your 'shame'/emotional reaction John.
    You are the strong, determined, intelligent, compassionate man you are because of your mother having an illness that affected all that knew her. So, in a way there is good that comes from your scary and insecure childhood.

    Years ago it was recommended to me to join a 'children of alcoholics' group to sort out some of my feelings of having a bi-polar mother. The similarities between the two illnesses are striking.
    I survived, as did you.

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    1. My. Mother had anxiety issues jimbo..thanks for that x

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  34. Barbara Anne2:59 pm

    I had no idea of how it might be to live in such a household. Big hugs to you and all others who carry some lingering hurt from childhood.

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  35. That's a sad story, I had similar in my childhood but in those days we kept it indoors. I was never conscious of carrying a burden but of course I was, especially with two younger brothers to look after, one a baby. Just look at who you have become, it's not surprising you have gone for a career that involves care and unconditional acceptance of people or that you are able to find humour in everyday life, you are specialx

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  36. And this will still be the same for children today John. Your post should be compulsory reading for teachers.

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    1. I think teachers are not people to indulge in conspiratorial silence s

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  37. My dad was an alcoholic when I was a teenager and I knew that shame and disappointment. Because of my mother, he was able to recover. Through the years, I learned so much more about this kind, sweet man who had a wrenching past and a terrible disease. I wish I had been more understanding of him when he was alive.

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    1. Yes they drank beacuse of a reason , many reasons were mental pain.

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  38. We carry all of our history around with us and it bobs to surface at the most inopportune times. Anger is what does it for me. My father was an angry man and my own anger shames me at times while the anger of others terrifies me.

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    1. Lily I agree.....my thoughts are not because I'm at a low ebb , it just so happened that I met a lady with no filter that knew my. Mother

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  39. For years I used words that made it sound like my father cared and did not desert me and my family. I guess I felt worthless and didn't want anyone to suspect that it was true. Now I know that he did the best he could and it was not personal. His death bed proved it. Maybe time for a blog.

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    1. Yes I feel. That about my parents now....they did the best they could

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  40. Neither of my parents were alcoholic, my mother barely touched alcohol, but that was because her father was a nasty, vindictive alcoholic. Many people still remember him with sime fondness as he was the local bobby, I always have to point out how desperately unhappy he made my grandmother ( a woman who deserved so much better than she got) and my mother ,even though he doted on her.

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  41. Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s all the adults I knew drank daily after work. It was normal to me. It wasn’t until I was in my 60’s that I realized that my father was an alcoholic. As a child/teen I knew to avoid him after about 7 pm. He got mean, nasty, and argumentative. My sister-in-law said his epitath should read “just one more quick belt”. I knew enough not to bring friends home, but I’d never put it all together. Lucky me...I was too clueless to be ashamed.

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    1. My father grew up with an alcoholic mother in the 40s/50s. I had heard from my uncle that he and his sibs NEVER invited any kids over to play after school. Their mom would often be holding court at the kitchen table, totally sauced. It must have been a difficult thing to witness.

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    2. I remember such scenes

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  42. My mother's grandmother was addicted to the morphine (codeine-?) in OTC cough medicine (turn of the previous century) and generally was found asleep on the sofa. My mother was always blunt about acknowledging it, even when I was a child. On the other hand, that grandmother was a master quilter, and taught my mother, for which mom was grateful. Even though "Grandma rapped my knuckles often with her silver thimble because I was not quilting twelve stitches to the inch!" Eventually mom got there.

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    1. It takes a Brave soul to challenge like your mother did

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  43. My earliest memories are of my grandfather. He was my moms stepfather but as far as he and I were concerned, he was mine all mine. As I was his.
    The best story I hold dear is when he would be home, relaxing, having a beer and I would be crying .. an infant that was teething or whatever, I cried. My *too young* mother would fall asleep with me in her arms, crying ..
    This very tall very tough Marine Sargent would pick me up, wrap me in my blanket and put me in the front seat of his beloved Studebaker.
    And as soon as the engine started, I began to quiet down. He would drive with me .. as I slept.
    That is one of my very best favorite stories about my babyhood and my family ( one of my most favorite members of the family )<3

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    1. Oh dear, I left out the point of the story - he drank all the time.
      I never knew for most of his life/my life, that he drank at all. My mother said his normal was after he had a few drinks. And yet that is never the first thing I think of when I remember him .. I think if Him .. the man that loved me and cared for me.

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    2. Was he self medicating ? A depression or anxiety?

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    3. Anonymous4:40 pm

      @Candice. It's a wonderful, not least heartwarming, story and memory to cherish. I like your mother's insight that "his normal was after he had a few drinks". Not all those who imbibe are equal. Gemma

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  44. I come from a small town. My father was an alcoholic. Both my father and sister were in separate motor vehicle accidents due to drink during the same time period. The local paper printed up each event. Friends at school teased me about them. Yet we, as a family, never spoke about these things at home.

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    1. .....the silence could be deafening

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    2. Now, THAT is the truest statement!

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  45. Childhood pain and shame lives forever. Or it does for me.
    Hugs.

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  46. As a retired health care worker myself,I too experienced patients discussing my parents' years later.It is amazing that EVERYONE knew but in a 50's home,it was never discussed. I know what you mean about the shame. Extra hugs.

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    1. Childhood shame is. Often never dealt with

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  47. I grew up with my father who drank, an ugly,angry and violent drunk. Many of the emotions you spoke of flooded back, plus anger. I had to deal with anger then and on occasion now, 40 years after my father stopped drinking. It was not only counseling,but my father who helped me understand,accept and forgive. I am grateful I had a sober father longer than a drunk one. I miss that old fart.

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  48. I think I've mentioned before that alcoholism has run in 3 generations of my female relatives: some incidents you can pretend to laugh off; others are too cringe-worthy to discuss. I have always had the utmost sympathy for their plight and anyone else who is afflicted by this illness. As a family it was not a subject we were allowed to talk about, hidden, secret (except for the local villagers and neighbours) but it was a long time ago now and I hope people's attitudes are more tolerant.

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    1. It's the secrets and the not speaking that angers me , it angers me more than the alcoholic behaviour

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  49. My father was 19 when I was born. He liked to drink with his friends until my mother threatened to leave. He never drank again. I have the lovely old wine bottle with a dried up bit of wine at the bottom, left from his last drink. I was never ashamed of my father, but he made me ashamed of myself. He saw me looking at a 5th or 6th grade school picture of myself, and laughingly said "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" At 79 I still struggle with a low self image. We bury hurts like that, but they never leave. Bless your dear heart, John. I hope you've tucked it all away again.

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    1. Yes, it only surfaces occasionally like a big lunged whale

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  50. Thank you John for bringing this up for maybe one day the shame can be lessened for some if it is more openly talked about. You are right, it never really leaves you. Both my parents were alcoholic although my mother tried to hide it. I basically raised myself and took care of my mother from age 12 up. There are many skeletons in our family closet and they are all based on alcoholism. I'm sorry you also had to grow up with this. xx

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    1. This isn't a " poor me" post...it's one of surprise...really

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  51. Anonymous9:57 pm

    Both my parents were alcoholic. I found out years after their deaths that the neighbor children would view the folks’ fights from their bedroom windows. I wonder who else in town knew? We were never to talk about Dad’s problem.
    Joyce

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  52. Oliver was a quiet gentle drunk he had once been a first class carpenter with a wife and family what went wrong I will never know but he walked the streets of our town for many years people fed him gave him money even when they knew it would be spent on another drink.

    He came into the restaurant I worked in one night just as we were getting ready to lockup we made him a sandwich and a cup of tea let him get a bit of a warm I watched him walking away that wet night and my heart ached for him.

    Oliver was found dead the next morning in the bandstand by the street cleaners my heart still aches for this quiet gentle man.Meg

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    1. Powerful meg......we have to remember the people behind the alcohol

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  53. Nearly every person I know has been affected by alcoholism. It's rife in my family and all of my childhood friends had alcoholic parents. Terribly sad. For the friends and family that didn't have an alcohol problem, then bipolar disorder reared it's ugly head. I suppose all we can do is try to understand that we are all f'd up and be as patient with ourselves and others as we can be. Good luck to us all!

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  54. Awful. I found myself blushing for you. I've found myself ashamed at times for those I love and I still can't figure out if the shame is mine or theirs. I do know that it's just a scratch beneath the surface though.

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    1. It's been a long time parrot nice to see you after so long

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  55. John, your post brought back so many bad memories even though I'm sure that was not your intent. I, too, had an alcoholic mother, I am 79 years old and it still haunts me. Not only that, but my brother and 3 of my granddaughters have had problems with alcohol and/or drugs, so it never ends I guess. Hugs to you.

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  56. Anonymous2:12 am

    My husbands Dad was an alcoholic, he was far from a happy drunk and my darling man being the youngest of 7 children was always a target of his strap and general abuse, Jo

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  57. 'piled upon young shoulders' as a child of an alcoholic, this really resonated with me. For many years, I thought it was my job to fix people. However, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today if I hadn't had the upbringing I did (and some very good professional help!). Like you John, I don't think of it much these days, but when it does come to the surface, it can surprise me how those emotions come flooding back.

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  58. I can't imagine the shame, embarrassment and distress that must accompany having an alcoholic parent. You could have done without that uncalled-for comment.

    I've come to appreciate the fact that my parents were both very abstemious and seldom touched alcohol.

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  59. The last time I checked in here John you had replied to my saying I would understand if you blocked all anonymous commenters by telling me that probably would not happen. Now I see that you deleted that whole conversation between Anon, me and you. Perhaps that was because someone had added an offensive comment to it all.?. I dearly hope you did not find anything that I wrote(yesterday or ever) rude or unsupportive towards you. -Mary

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    1. Not at all Mary ...I suspect I know who anon was but from now on all anonymous messages without a name will be deleted

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    2. Anonymous4:35 pm

      @Mary - For what it's worth, I enjoyed our brief exchange on what is a tough subject - not least for someone effected as John and an astonishing number of his readers were/are. Makes you think. Candice's story about her grandfather the best. Shows you how it can go either way.

      Thank you for your good wishes, Mary; one can never have enough of those. By way of reciproating ... Gemma

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  60. I too was the eldest child of an alcoholic mother, so I understand your shame. I blame the war. It messed them up. None the less, it was hard to be a kid in that atmosphere.

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  61. i understand - i too am a child of alcoholic parents. at 57 the pain still runs deep.

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  62. I feel sad . . .
    for you
    for your mom
    I read something recently about grief . . .
    How we try to fix it for another, cheer the griever up . . .
    And what we need to do, simply, is acknowledge.
    Many messages here . . . powerful . . .

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  63. Hugs John. Never easy to remember, nor to forget...

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