Saturday, 28 July 2018

Disappointment

I'm doing ok
Not great Not brilliant but ok.
Over the last couple of months I have found out I have a lot of good friends and a good family
I have been of the receiving end of thoughtful thoughts and touching gifts
I have received cards and postcards, strange gifts of food and jam and even an anonymous bunch of flowers.
and people who I would have never have expected have stopped to say something when driving by would have been easier...... it is that small effort of saying "are you ok?" that has helped.... it really has
I have also been dreadfully disappointed by a handful of people I care for   and that I expected better from.
I guess that's common when people think that they have to take sides or they know not what to say.😟

A dear friend of mine said something similar to me recently. He  felt let down by a close friend of his who seemed crass and insensitive when dealing with my friend's serious illness.
My friend recognised the fact that serious illness can paralyse some people into inactivity, but the hurt was real and understandable.
unfortunately , for many reasons some friends cannot say what needs to be heard he said......and I agree with him many can't  BUT THEY BLOODY SHOULD

I have some advice for those that feel, for whatever reason, that they cannot say something supportive to people like me or like my friend.....people going through a shitty time
make the effort and say something, email something, message something
You don't have to take sides , you don't have to provide a counselling service , you don't have to lend a supporting ear daily until your ears bleed.....no
you just have be nice and ask
"are you ok?"







128 comments:

  1. Are you Okay? No? I know and I am sorry. For you. For the shitty situation and the deal you've been dealt. You will survive and come out of this a long time from now a little hurt and a little sad....always. But, you will survive. You are strong and loved.

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  2. I found out who my friends were when I was ill with cancer. my family and my then-husband deserted me.

    IMHO, it's hard to ask a person how they are when you know they are going through a rough patch and you don't want to make them more miserable.

    I think it sucks that you have been put in this position.

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    1. my friend will agree with your words AM xx

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    2. Black-hearted cowards, each and every one of them who would do that to you. I hope you have made a decent recovery from that awful disease.x

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    3. @nana: 29 year survivor now.

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    4. for my shame 25 years ago I couldn't cope with a friend Vicky's sudden terrible illness and I absented myself from her for a while
      I will always be shamed by my actions

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    5. Yvette Byrne Jones10:57 pm

      I agree John. It means so much to the person even if you admit your foibles and say "I don't know what to say". At least it means the person has thought of you and has felt an iota of the pain you are feeling.
      When my husband died a friend admitted to being useless because she couldn't attend his funeral because she couldn't cope with seeing me in such grief. But I knew she would be there for me when others had moved on to the next tragedy or drama. That meant more to me than false platitudes.
      Focus on the ones who are there for you - theirs is the strength that will support you through the storm and be with you when you sail into calmer waters. X

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    6. wise words but it doesn't stop the fact you are hurt by the ones you care for cant or wont step up

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    7. @anne marie - that's great to hear. Long may your good health continue.

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    8. You are correct, a simple "are you OK?" would have been welcomed in a terrible loss I endured, instead, radio silence from the supposed best friend, for a year. People should know better. I know of several occasions when I should have known better. Lessons in life, we all need them, we all learn them.

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  3. I have antiphospholipid syndrome and have recently been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. I have lost two friends who just can't cope - their loss. And two friends whom I haven't known long have rallied round and sorted out my social life 😊 We know what people should say, I find it difficult to understand why they don't. Thankfully you have more caring people around you than uncaring.

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    1. I think with certain illnesses some people cant cope and the easiest thing to do is to withdraw
      I understand it
      but we are all adults and need sometimes, to be a bit stronger, braver and adult

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  4. Are you ok is a very powerful (and necessary phrase).
    Hugs.

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    1. it is and its not a hard one to pass on

      perhaps I'm being overly sensitive

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  5. After my husband left (don't feel sorry for me, he jumped before he was pushed!), my then sister-in-laws completely turned their backs on me and haven't spoken a word to me (even at both of my sons' weddings)in 16 years. My ex-brother-in-laws by complete contrast, always treat me as if I were still their sister-in-law anytime we happen to bump into one another. Withdrawing from uncomfortable situations is the coward's way out, in my opinion. Show your worth, not your weaknesses - it's really not that difficult.

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    1. I agree Nana . If you were close to someone show your worth. if you never really bothered with them, well that's another story

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    2. Nana, I remember my aunt introducing her son's ex wife to another lady as her daughter in law. After the lady had gone my aunt was reminded that that was no longer the case. My aunt then said "you will always be my daughter in law to me". You could see the younger girl was deeply touched.

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    3. Yes, it's a veritable minefield, the 'ex' subject and what a sweet and kind Aunt you have. On the other hand, my Mother still insists on calling my ex her son-in-law showing complete disregard for any loyalties she may have for me (she thinks I brought it all on myself but there's a lot she doesn't know about my marriage for I could never go to her and talk about it).It makes my teeth grind!

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  6. So difficult. People struggle with empathy these days. Not just saying are you alright, but is there anything I can do to help would not go amiss, even if the only answer is I am getting there. But thanks for caring and asking. x

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  7. I know how devastating a marriage breakup can be having been through one and that some people just don't know how to react, which can be hurtful and disappointing. I would be great if everybody had the words, but they don't and you have so many people who love and care for you,sometimes you have to let those others go.

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  8. After a recent bad incident at work, two of my superiors (of work superiors, I have many) asked me if I was ok. Another later sent a text to check if I was ok. While it is part of their jobs, it seemed genuine and was nice. Just to note, if anyone thinks are you ok sounds too cliched, it can be said other ways. How're you travelling mate. Dumbed down even, you ok bro?

    I wonder if some fear that if they ask someone if they are ok, the response will be no, please help me.

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  9. I am with you John. I know how much those words "Are you alright Rachel?" mean to me right now and I know the people who aren't asking me.

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    Replies
    1. and if they were the ones hurting , what would they expect and need eh?

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    2. incidentally I am doing ok with the good support I am getting ( and I am sure I can speak for my friend in a similar way) but it would be nice......

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    3. me too, but it would be nice if some of his family remembered where I live.

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    4. send em a link to this post old friend x

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  10. Being kind is a life skill..it takes courage and strength to show kindness..maybe those who disappoint you were never taught or shown the way.Take comfort in the many that care for you and pity the few that don't.x

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    1. indeed and acknowledged !
      but the pain remains
      thank you for pointing it out though

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    2. On a lighter note..my friend had a saying when disappointed by people..f*** em..who needs em anyway..made me laugh but the sting feels the same x

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  11. I have been disapointed and sad when several times I have felt desperate for help and reached out to who I thought may be interested in helping me by be a listening ear for the situation I had been involved into be dismissed. Now I am afraid I no longer will be there for them x

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    1. understandable x

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  12. I feel so weird and bit voyeuristic peeking into what a stranger is going through, yet still, i feel like I know you a little, and it's a little like I'm going through something with you.

    I know when I have gone through life-changing things, all I've really needed is someone to listen. Not to offer advice, not to appear as thought they're freaking out, too, but just to listen.

    I hope you have that (and it appears you do, although perhaps not the people you expected). Things go on, somehow.

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  13. When my husband had a devastating stroke, it felt like a bomb had gone off , shattering our lives . I spent the first few months trying to cope , but found that the pieces of our life didn’t fit together any more . Part of that was our circle of friends , some disappeared into the woodwork, some just couldn’t cope , but some (not the ones your would have thought) were magnificent and kind and caring.
    I think this is part of any major life upheaval and all I can say is I was eternally grateful to those who stood by us .

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    Replies
    1. we all need even people in the opposite camp to love us

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  15. A separation should not be looked on as a separation from each others family that is so insensitive both sides need to be mature as love and respect can't be tossed aside both sides need to heel and be there for each other.

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  16. I'm sorry. I care.

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  17. I'm sorry, John. Divorce (and death) seem to make people uncomfortable; they don't know what to say, so they ignore your pain. Either that or they don't want to upset you by bringing it up -- as if it's not on your mind every f-ing minute of every f-ing ing day! I can promise you that the pain will get lessen! No promises about what people will or will not say!

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  18. I was heartbroken when a close friend of mine chose to cut me out of her life completely when I left my first husband, simply because he occasionally worked an odd day for her. When he met and married his second wife and was no longer allowed to work for her she tried to come running back, saying that it had all been a dreadful mistake. It was ... hers!!

    You will be very okay, you have lots of friends who all care for you very much and literally hundreds of online buddies that have your back ♥️

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    1. Thanks for understanding x

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  19. I understand what you are saying; however, I am going to try to show the other side of things. I always felt a certain work-related person was unfeeling because he didn't mention my father's passing beyond the standard "I'm sorry" BUT on talking to his wife at a later time, she said he doesn't go deeper than that because he doesn't like people to go deeper than that with him. When he lost both parents within a couple of years, work was his refuge, and with every person that came in and tried to engage him with more than "I'm sorry" the grief all came flooding back and he could not carry on, he was immersed in the grief all day long. Everyone is different, and we should not write people off just because of our differences.

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  20. Disappointment can be SO difficult to live with. Please try your best to understand that 'the observers' are coming from another 'world'....their world.....and applying it to yours thinking you know their 'language'. It baffles me as well. I have been so very disappointed with family members and 'close' friends over the years that I have learned to not expect anything from anybody.

    I have found as well that just being there with a person who is suffering is just as, if not, more effective than speaking to them about their trauma. Let them talk and don't judge.

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  21. I care...Wish I was there to hug you, hold you, and tell you what you mean to so many.

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  22. It angers me when in the throes of grief someone says, “let me know if you need anything.” It’s the last thing one feels like doing when they are struggling to get from one second to the next, to reach out, call, ask for help. Putting that on to the grieving person to ask for help. Is an awful thing to do.

    PEOPLE . . . we need to be cognizant of what loss, change, grief, death, illness is and step “out of the box” and extend ourselves with giving kindness and care.

    I care about you John . . . I wish I could stop by, bring you some banana bread, go for a walk with you, help with your animals . . . visit, listen, care, sit with you . . . be near.

    Thank you for being vulnerable and opening your heart to us . . . I look forward to each of your posts and to read the kind caring comments from your many friends . . .

    I had many friends that extended themselves when my late husband died so shockingly and so young. Even so . . . after a time people stopped reaching . . . so if others are reading this . . . John needs us . . .cards, stopping by, phone calls, invites, food . . .

    I wonder, if I send a card to

    John Gray
    Trelawnyd
    Wales

    Will it arrive . . . I am trying it . . , we will see!
    love
    lynne

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    1. Yes Lynne, I’m sure it will. I sent something and it arrived, fingers crossed yours will too.

      LX

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    2. In an earlier post John had the listing of his house which is for sale. I'm sure the correct address is there....

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    3. YES. . .
      thank you . . . for that reminder . . .
      I will grab that quickly and get something in the post!

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  23. I know you are having a rough time John and I think of you every day...you and your 'babies' and wish for good times for you. I don't know what I can do for you all the way over here but if there is something I can do I'm here for you.

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  24. John, I think of you often. This is a very difficult time for you. Just know, I care and sending hugs. Gabs

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  25. It's good to read you are doing okay, but I still join in with everyone with concern for you. Your frank and honest blog is an opportunity for people like me to check in on you without being noticed. Even though taking sides is the immature approach, I've taken your side, nonetheless.

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  26. So sorry for what you're going through. And it sure is a crappy way to find out who your friends are.

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  27. Anonymous1:49 am

    I know what you mean when you tell us to just say something. I was married for 45 years to someone I trusted and then was "dumped". It's been 2-1/2 years, but it still hurts. I came back to my family area,but as the saying goes, "you can't go home again". Just living each day as it comes and hopefully it will get better. Love you.

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  28. I am so sorry to read this but I have lived through it.
    When my x took off one morning as I drove children to school, he left a "out of here" on our answer machine.
    He didn't want a sick wife.
    You will live through it.
    I think of you every morning !

    Big hugs from Tucson, gayle

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    1. What a horrible person he was and I am glad you are rid of him, Angryparsnip. I know you must have gone through a lot afterwards, but in the end, it was good to get that spineless man out of your life.

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    2. Yes even though I am sicker, I am happier !

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  29. I try not to miss an opportunity to do so. Life is short; make it matter for you and those around you. Sometimes just a hello will do.

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  30. John,sometimes I think the responses or lack of, from the people you thought would be there for you is worse than the rejection from the one you loved, trusted and married.

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  31. A simple "Anything I can do for you?" helps tremendously.

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  32. I try hard to ask how things are with family and friends. I try and check in on a regular basis just to be sure, and sometimes its a simple e-mail saying "I miss you."
    Your blog, and posts like this one, always make me reflect and consider if I can do better. Thanks.
    Take care,John.

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  33. When my ex left us/me/ some of my inlaws were incredibly rude. And of course some were rude before that, but when the nice ones turned on me I was shocked. To her credit, my MIL was unfailingly pleasant and kind. It also hurt that my own family offered no help at all, money was very scarce and often still is.

    I am so sad for you, John, you deserve better.

    lizzy

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  34. Very great post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your weblog posts.

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    1. I thought "Vaiybora" was a suppository brand for constipated farm animals.

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  35. I think it's more often the case that people are worried about saying the wrong thing; I count myself as slightly guilty in this respect. But, of course, we should all support our friends in times of great need; that's why we have 'friends'.

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  36. Trelawnyd male voice choir via Facebook reposted on my blog, JayGee.
    And while I'm here I echo the words of C.M. immediately above (if he still is) that some of us are reticent about saying anything at all for fear of putting foot in mouth. I hope that there are some of us who feel so close to you that you can recognise it and, following an initial acknowledgment by us of your given situation, feel that further words are superfluous unless and until called for through your changed circumstances or whatever. I'm positive I'm not alone in now thinking of your present situation when reading every single posting you make even though you may not mention it.
    Go well, or as well as you can, dear friend.

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  37. I wonder if some people get nervous when uncertainties in life occur. When something they thought was bullet proof, a persons health or relationship, turns out not to be. Sort of if they acknowledge it, speak of it, even think about it, it is too scary as it could happen to them. Emotional cowards.

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  38. Harry Hamid said it for me (11,26 above).
    I admire what I know of you after 'following" for decades.
    You don"t deserve the bad - but you do deserve much, much better.

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  39. In an ideal world we would all do the right thing. I like to think that I would/have offer/offered a hug and asked what I can do, when a situation arose. We have a 'situation' going on right now and are certainly discovering who our true friends are (or aren't!). Even some family have given somewhat surprising responses. It hurts, John, I know from current experience, when you don't get a response you hoped for or expected.

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  40. Just hello. Thinking about you.

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  41. As a nurse myself John I have seen so many sad, uncomfortable, tragic and downright wretched situations as have you I expect. All it takes is a kind word, a hand held or just a physical presence in a roomfull of grief. Yet people still fail at these simple comforts.
    I hope you get the acknowledgement of your feelings from your 'other' family.
    That in itself is a great kindness.

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  42. You were going to leave Trelawnyd with The Prof - accompanying him to his next academic post where you planned to put down fresh roots. So what I cannot understand is why you are still set to leave the village. You have been so happy there and you fit in. People like you. Why are you leaving and where are you going? (Of course it is your prerogative not to answer these questions... you may not be ready).

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  43. I'm late commenting but you are right. I never knew until Col died how lovely it is to have people saying "are you OK?"

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  44. After all these caring comments... a BIG hug from me.

    LXX

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  45. You are ok, but at the moment just ok, however it will get better - slowly but surely it will get better. Just know that you are loved so much by so many people and I am sure we are all with you if not physically certainly spiritually. Keep strong, with love Ro xxx

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  46. Oh John I am so sorry to hear this. Dare I say that from reading this for so long, it seems you were the social secretary in your relationship and we (the SS people) are often the glue that keeps our partners in touch with their own people - and so it is even harder when those people don't acknowledge you. That's been my experience in the past. It is hard and yet I totally believe you when you say you will be okay. Because you are a realist with a kind heart and you're willing to let things go. When you have ad the time you need to process them of course! <3

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  47. Sometimes - especially in blogland - I don't know what to say, especially with illness for example when the situation is clearly never going to be OK let alone good, I just say "I hope that everything will be as good as it can be" I think that someone said this to me in a never going to be good situation and I thought that was a good thing to say. You hope that however something turns out it will be as alright as it can be, as little pain and hurt and upset as there can be even thought it might be painful and hurtful and upsetting.

    So John, I hope that things will be as good as they can be for you, and I also hope that you will get a good solicitor and stand up for yourself, if you need to, because I sense that you are someone who might be more likely to take a step back when perhaps they could stand up for themselves a little more in your current situation. Hope that doesn't upset or offend, I just want you to be OK! It doesn't mean be horrid to the other person, just don't be horrid to yourself. Hope that all sounds OK, I mean it nicely to everyone concerned!

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  48. are you ok?thinking of you:]you are a good man

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  49. It happened to me when I had cancer a couple of years ago. I lost a couple of friends who didn't seem able to just ask how I was. I also had people cross the street just so they wouldn't have to speak to me! Mostly that was casual aquaintances I met while out walking the dog but it hurts. However, on the plus side I found out that most people are lovely and supportive and I had a couple of instances where people I barely know (we nod hello in passing) made a point of coming up to me to ask how I was doing. I said to my husband that if I learned one thing from this it was that from now on we must approach and speak to people we know are going through trauma, even just to ask 'how are you doing'. Sending virtual hugs to you, and a how are you doing? x

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  50. I agree with Jenny_o, Raybeard and some of your other readers' more tentative take.

    I once nearly lost it when a longstanding friend (she works in counselling) asked me with that particular voice she puts on when "caring": How ARE you? You'd have to hear the way she says the "are" to understand the faux in the pas.

    There have been times people asking me whether everything was OK when I felt like saying "What the fuck DO YOU think?" I didn't, obviously. I thanked them for their concern. And, of course, everything was "fine". Fact is that a lot of the time people make your grief - whatever it may be over - THEIR affair. For every one who genuinely cares I give you ten who only want to make themselves feel good (by being "Oh so caring"). Bull. The worst form this takes when someone inquires "Are you ok?" as that most underhand way of inviting confidences in order to keep the juice maker (gossip machine) topped up.

    To summarize:I have had occasion to observe how thoughtless the "thoughtful" can be.

    U

    PS though not an afterthought: Reading between the lines, John, I take it that some of Chris's family being negligent causes you hurt. Give it time. Marital break-ups aren't just about the couple; they send seismic shocks throughout the wider family. No more so then when a couple was perceived "perfect". Takes time to adjust.

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    1. I can tell when someone's concern for me is genuine or not.When I know when they just want to get a juicy bit of tittle tattle I will politely thank them & move on x

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    2. Yes, Flis, know what you mean. However, we all kid ourselves that we "can tell whether someone's concern ... is genuine or not". Trust me. My own sister betrayed me. One careless remark of mine (my father later said to me "what were you thinking of"); and she had it in the bag. One idle hour of gossip at a family gathering later (I didn't attend for geographical reasons) and, nine years on, various members of both sides of the family not talking to each other any longer.

      Not me. I talk to anyone. Yet such is the shame of what was done to me they can't face up to it. Silence. Well, we'll see how it goes at my/our parents' respective funerals.

      U

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    3. With respect to your point of view, Ursula, you are demonstrating the point that people have made the effort to reach out to you, and that in itself has made you cross. Would you rather someone said nothing rather than 'How are you? 'How ARE you?' sounds a genuine attempt to ask you how you are, not just a thrown-out phrase expecting the answer 'I am fine'. I think what John is saying is that the absence of saying anything - the silence - is the thing that hurts. If people don't know what to say, then even asking 'How ARE you?' is inviting a response as to how you really are if you wish to share, but also 'I am fine' if you don't wish to share. YOUR terms. Silence doesn't give you the option.

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    4. Wendy you are exactly right.....it's the silence that hurts more than anything...I have no desire to have an emotional romp , I just would have liked to be asked

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    5. Sorry, Wendy, I have no idea what you are talking about. "Cross"? I wasn't cross. Sometimes NOT saying something (insincere) is the preferred "option".

      U

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    6. I would describe the feeling 'There have been times people asking me whether everything was OK when I felt like saying "What the fuck DO YOU think?" ' at the very least, cross ! So, being asked how you were made you feel like this .... for me, the preferred option is a gesture, a tentative or direct question as to how you are (how do you know it is insincere ?) .... you are then able to react, or not (YOUR terms as I said above) Someone not saying anything makes most people feel that the person doesn't care. My preferred option is ask / speak out / refer to the event, however difficult it may feel. My preferred option is not to say nothing.

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  51. It is hard, particularly when you are someone who cares about others. I become more aware with every passing day that my own mother doesn't give a rat's ass about me, as not once has she asked if I am ok during a number of traumatic events over the last 18 months. She has watched with a stony face as I have cried, without offering a word of comfort or a hug, and has, on occasion, laughed at my situation.
    You will be better than okay, but it may take a little while. In the meantime I hope you are okay today, just as I am.

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    1. Scarlet...I am very sorry you have an uncaring mother... my brother died on 6/7/18 and my mother didn't attend his funeral... or that of my sister who died on 12/7/14...I can not fathom what makes her tick...and it pains me to say I actually don't like her very much.

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  52. Cherish the good actions and try not to dwell on the silence of others. I know it's hurtful as I've supported a couple of friends through divorces and it's truly awful when the other half family don't know what to say.

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  53. My friend's partner has just started another round of chemotherapy. Quite often, what she most needs is a hug. I'm good at hugs, as it happens. But yes, sometimes one doesn't do everything that could be done. Those who've been through grief and pain are sometimes better at understanding what it's like, and responding. I feel for you and I'm so sorry.

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    1. Hugs are sometimes all someone needs.

      One thing we are taught in hospice, while it is good to be there for those grieving right when it happens, it is the months/first few years after and the holidays when they need the most support. Sounds like you will be there for your friend's partner during this next round and that will mean a lot to them.

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  54. John, I would be over there as quick as a flash, if you needed me. You only have to say.

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  55. I really hope you are doing well John, when my marriage broke down I was taken aback at the amount of people who reached out to me...who were not current friends.. and shocked by friends who deserted in droves... it sounds trite... but keep your chin up...look to the future.. it WILL get better... much love...

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  56. We are here for you, we care, we wish we knew how to make things better. It will take time, it will not be easy, this will change you.

    The thing that surprised me when I had my medical encounter three years ago, was the people that were there. Messages from yourself and others, a visit from a blogger (now lapsed) that I had never met in person. People who took my phone calls or responded to text messages when I really needed to talk (the pain meds made me so paranoid.) A few people I didn't hear from, including members of my family. Either they didn't know what to say, or the challenges in their lives overwhelmed them. They cared, but they were unable to express it.

    As the sun rises each day, an opportunity to start fresh rises.

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  57. My father died almost 30 years ago. It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed. He dropped dead unexpectedly so we weren't prepared for it. I live a good 12 hour car ride from home. When I came back after the funeral I couldn't believe the amount of cards I received from people that didn't even know my father. This week I was cleaning out a dresser drawer and I found those sympathy cards and I reread them. Even after all of these years, tears came to my eyes. People wrote things to me that were meaningful. Many were not just a sympathy card with a signature, there were actually words written that touched me. So you are right, people need to say things now whilst they can. Thanks for the great post.

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  58. After reading (so many!) words of encouragement and sympathy, I just want to point out the theme ~ adults are really no better than children when it comes to uncomfortable situations. You shouldn't write those absent friends from you life, they are likely feeling as you did when the friend you mentioned was sick.
    Having said that, I hope that you will soon be OK, time heals all wounds as they say. Or perhaps it's the issues of today just don't seem that big when we are much farther down the road.

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  59. I haven't said much but I think of you and love you all the way from British Columbia, kind thoughts and hugs.

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  60. My hospital roommate, as I was wheeled off for yet another test, always said ‘keep your pecker up’. Does anyone still use that phrase? I’d never heard it before and it always gave me a light moment.
    Soooo, keep your pecker up. May you have light moments in your days. In time those moments get closer, then closer still.

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  61. Hugs to you from across the pond, John. I have never experienced bad words or actions from others in time of need, but concentrate on the good vibes sent your way. We care about you.

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  62. I echo Marie's comment above, also from British Columbia. Aren't you angry as well as sad and hurt? Although I am no -one but a blog reader to you I have waves of anger at Chris. The commttment he made to you now seems pretty meaningless. What was he thinking? And the lovely
    mother-inlaw's friendship - what was that ? Grrr.
    Jocelyn

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    1. Hey Marie and Jocelyn, I'm in BC too. Shall we start a John Gray group of some kind.

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    2. What I am going to say will, no doubt, earn me yet another reprimand from John. However, let that not stop me.

      Jocelyn, please do be careful. As the philosopher says "every marriage has its secret" (one never known to the onlooker). I'd add that every break up does have its secret too. Let's not make assumptions what happened. Yes, sure, John seems to be the "injured" party. But the parting [Chris] too will, most likely, be guilt ridden for a long time. It's not a great position to be in. I am talking from experience.

      Sure, I freely admit - not that it'll make John feel any better - that I didn't particularly take to Chris in John's many years' narrative. How often did I think "What the eff?".

      As an aside: During my parents' generation it was the seven year itch (don't think either of them gave in to it - they have been married for over fifty years, passion seemingly not abating); now it appears thirteen years of close proximity is crunch time.

      U

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    3. Thanks for the caution, Ursula. Of course there are two or more sides to every story but all the lovely gentle supportive comments seem to me to ignore the elephant in the room-anger. Maybe it is just a sign of my own mind set.��
      Jocelyn

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    4. Interesting point, Jocelyn, about the elephant you mention: "Anger". Something to mull over; not least because anger such a propelling force.

      U

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    5. In grief the easiest emotion to cope with is anger

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    6. Anger does rear its ugly head, but I find it leads the way to the other stages of emotions when it is time.
      Hugs to you and everyone that has had some very hard times.

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  63. I too like others here think about how you are coping especially when you post about other things. Hugs from Provence, you posts have brightened my day many times, made me laugh and also made me realise what a kind understanding man you are.

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  64. I've been in all these camps, paralyzing fear of saying something as a young person, very empathetic now, received some very odd and hurtful comments during a recent illness, now I'm telling the wonderful people who ask on a regular basis, not to, because I'm sick of talking about my pain and bless them, they understand. Human nature is complex, and fickle. The attitude of some people can cut like a knife when you are feeling raw. I just wish you weren't in this turmoil, one day at a time my dear.

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  65. Love and support...all that is needed. "I'm here for you if you want to talk or cry." That's what we are doing for my sister-in-law right now. Hugs, John. You are loved by many.

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  66. I have a friend going through Breast Cancer and she said the same, people you would expect to be there aren' and some you wouldn't expect are. When I was divorcing my now husband and previous husband had shared friends and it was surprising which way most people jumped and sided. Keep positive, sending virtual hugs xxx

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  67. Anonymous7:47 pm

    I have read your blog for a long time, but this is my first comment. My sincere thoughts are with you and hope your pain heals over time. Nick

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    1. Thank you nick and thank you all

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  68. I have enjoyed reading your blog for quite some time. I am sorry for your sadness. People often don't comment because they might think they are intruding. I'm sorry I haven't commented before. My thoughts are with you. Regards Ann

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  69. People do seemed to be rendered mute by fear of saying the wrong thing, I guess. After my father died very unexpectedly at a relatively young age, I attended a holiday function with my mother, her 2nd husband & his family. Not one person was able to say, 'I'm sorry for your loss'. It's sort of like, if it isn't spoken, then it doesn't exist.

    Be well. x

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  70. Oh my god....think what a difference it would make.

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  71. I know exactly what you mean John. My daughter and children (and close family) have been having an especially shitty time since her husband of 11 months was killed in an RTA on Father's Day last year! We are still waiting on decisions from CPS etc so life seems to be on hold but she too has found out who her REAL friends and family are and we are supporting her and the children as much as we possibly can. There were people who we thought would be supportive and aren't and vica versa. Your real friends and family will get you through the worst and the best times in your life and they are the people who matter.
    Sending love and strength,
    Gail x

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  72. Simple but excellent advice.

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  73. I always think if you do not know what to say, a hug or even a loving squeeze of someone's hands speaks volumes.
    Also, from personal experience please don't say "This was God's will" It upsets those suffering way more than you know. Unless of course they are incredibly devout and you know for sure it will bring them some sort of comfort. If not, zip it. Thank you.

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  74. You do find out who your friends are at the worst times of your life, I agree. Life changes, things shift because of this. I still feel very angry and,in a sense, alone. (though I am not alone!) Because of my experience, I try really hard to take the time to reach out to others. Maybe I didn't know to do this until it happened to me ? I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the same as I did. And the excuse 'I didn't want to upset you' is a weak one : do people think you had forgotten a death / loss/ break up / etc and that they have just reminded you ?!

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    ReplyDelete

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