Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Friends


I had a conversation the other day about a friendship gone sour.
It was relationship that had lasted over twenty years
The gist of the problem seemed to be a minor falling out between the sons of the friends, a spat which in turn ignited a falling out between the moms.
To an outsider it all seemed rather petty, but to the people involved I am sure, everything seemed like the end of the world.
I think this sort of thing happens predominately in womens friendships rather than in men's. Men tend to move on from friendships more easily than women. They also tend not to have as many and invest less in the importance of them.
Of course I am talking generally here. There are always men ( like myself) who enjoy friendships as much as women do.
Recently a friend I made way back in my twenties messaged me for an impromptu meet. We had grown apart over thirty years predominantly due to his inability to keep in touch , ( a male trait me thinks) and although my curiosity was tweaked by the offer, too much water had passed under the bridge, for me to make the effort to meet.
Friends move on as life changes us all.I guess.
I had a close friend in Sheffield who has subsequently found God after we moved to Wales. She has ignored any effort I have made to contact her. Born again Christians don't " do" gays I suppose even when two decade before we celebrated gay pride together.
Yes some friends move away on their own.
Two weeks ago an old blog friend reappeared after a three year silence. There was no explanation of his disappearance save for the posting of an enigmatic poem and nothing more.
Do friends act in such a way?
In my mind no....however others would probably disagree .
Horses for courses I guess.

Have you ever fallen out with a friend?
I'd be interested to know



140 comments:

  1. people grow and develop, so do friendships. Not everyone can accept this.
    Its good when friends re-connect..online or physically present, and can accept each other as they have come to be.
    I'm seeing a few friends move in new directions now and it hurts to see how some are treating others for no real reason.
    I've moved on from friends in the past, unpleasant things...untruths...were said to me.
    One especially I wouldn't mind reconnecting with, a fellow artist I used to work with. Her son, friends with my eldest,died last year. I sent condolences via others, the only route I had. No reply. At least goodwill was sent, and if she couldn't move on from some pretty nasty stuff she said nearly thirty years ago that is sad for her but no problem for me.

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    1. You've done what you can me thinks

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  2. No John. I have never fallen out with anyone to my knowledge. I am just not the falling out sort and would do anything to keep the peace. I have however lost touch with some friends - sadly, through the passage of time we have drifted apart. And picking up is impossible after a long break, so best left alone in my opinion.
    But the friendships I have I value greatly - half a dozen or so on my blog (you included) and maybe a similar number in person - and without you all I would never have got through the past year as easily as I have done - and for that I am eternally grateful.
    I just wish we could perhaps meet. If only the Prof could apply for a job at York or Newcastle or somewhere then perhaps you could both come and stay - and we could really meet.

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    1. One day weave...one day

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  3. I find i have high expectations when it comes to friends .. could very well be why i don't have many... Hugs! deb

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    1. Knowing yourself is the most important thing here

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  4. I find most times it's just a mutual drifting apart. There are two friendships I did end on purpose, one was a male friend that suffered from a lot of depression and constantly making terrible life choices, I found that I had to get out of the friendship to save my own sanity. The other was a woman who had a need to cause drama everywhere she went and always tried to pull all her friends in, plus she had a compulsion to lie about everything so she lost my trust.

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    1. Yes it's hard to keep a friendship going if only one side is working at it

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  5. Oh yes, I've had several fallings out with friends over the years. Sometimes my fault, sometimes not. It's always very painful. Plus a few instances of drifting apart -- that typically happens when one or the other moves to another city. Yet, on the other hand, there are friends who remain friends forever, no matter where they live or what happens.

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    1. Indeed , I have a large and full of such good friends

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  6. My oldest friend and her hubby split, she always accused him of not caring, and she had to do every thing. We speak to Alan often, he makes the effort to keep in touch, She has fallen off the edge of our world. We moved away many years ago, strange how people change when there are miles between you.

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    1. Yes often the ones you think will keep in touch invariably dont

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  7. Many years ago, I had a best friend that was as close as any friend could be. After many years of friendship, he partnered with a guy that was into the drug scene and they moved to a different city where drugs were more readily available and culturally acceptable. Their relationship ended but my friend had lost control. Later, a new boyfriend and I were on a road trip and had planned a short stay at my friends house. When we got to town, we called and my friend was very high so we chose to spend the night in a hotel. My “friend” wrote me a hateful letter about choosing my new beau over him and I didn’t respond. We were not in contact for many years and then found one another on Facebook. We had a nice catch up but it didn’t take long to realize drugs were still more important to him than friends were.

    So many things come between friends. I don’t think I shall ever have a friendship as close as that one was. But I’m compensated by the fact I chose well because that boyfriend that I didn’t expose to my friend’s addiction is now my husband and we have raised a child together. My former friend did jail time for selling drugs. Guess I chose well that day when we stayed in a hotel.

    Be well, John. Love your blog and read every post. Thanks for being thought provoking.

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    1. Lane,
      His friendship was with drugs and not his friends..that's so common

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    2. Nice to have your comment at last

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  8. "people grow and develop, so do friendships." - I stole that from GZ.

    friends, acquaintances, spouses. seasons change, people change (to quote an old song). it's life; I accept and move on.

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    1. I've just lost two followers...go figure

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  9. I learned early that 'friends' could be fickle and from that point on I never really made any 'friends'.....

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  10. I wonder where your old Sheffield friend found God? Perhaps in Crookes Valley Park or maybe on the other side in The Ponderosa. Perhaps she found him in Broomhill or down at Malin Bridge. When she finally found God I wonder what he was wearing - possibly a big, baggy T-shirt with "I AM GOD" printed on it in big black letters just like "LIVE AID". She was very lucky to find him as he has been studiously avoiding me my entire life. And when one finally finds God, should one invite him home for a cup of tea and a natter?

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    1. In Plymouth actually

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    2. Ahh....The Quivering Brethren?

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    3. What makes you think God is a male?

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  11. I had a colossal falling-out with a friend in Brooklyn. She suddenly took against me and I've never worked out why. Very painful at the time but I've moved on.

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    1. It's the not knowing that I find difficult

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    2. Anonymous3:27 am

      Yes, that is the most hurtful thing. If they would only explain... Jan

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  12. I am lucky enough to have many good friends, some of whom I've known for years, and a close circle of people I see often. I've also had other more distant friends - sometimes people I worked with - where the things we had in common no longer existed after a while, and we've drifted apart. Occasionally I have deliberately let things slip because I was not enjoying the friendship; friends don't have to always be happy or upbeat or even in a good mood, but if they are using you then that's not a friendship. And twice I've had the frightening experience of someone who I thought was a friend, turning on me and behaving as if I was their enemy.

    I am generally tolerant, but once someone has done that, I'll never trust them again.

    My close friends are hugely important to me, more so than my family, I consider myself very lucky to have them and I invest time and thought in maintaining those friendships.

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    1. I'm a questioner , if someone doesn't want to carry on a friendship or does something odd ...I want to know why

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  13. I don't superimpose my own expectations on friends, just take them at face value. Even my exhusband is still a friend. Why would you give up a friendship just because you aren't ideal roommates? At my age, many of my closest friends have passed on, and some of those who remain are not entirely here. As I was telling a dear old friend who couldn't even remember my name last week, "Don't worry Sweetie, I know you don't remember the fun times we had. Just listen and I'll tell you how it was." And then I spun some tales, only partly true, of what a great adventurer she had been, and a kind and fun person (all true) and she left with a big smile on her face for as long as she remembered what I'd said. Which was probably an hour or two. But that's what you do with old, dear friends. You remind them that their time on this planet has been worthwhile and that they are loved.

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    1. A moving comment Jan

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    2. "some of those who remain are not entirely here." Oh dear, we have a very good friend who is like this - and it is tough, so glad he stopped practicing surgery a few months ago, yikes!

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  14. My ex-partner never liked my friends. Huge red flag. She was the sort to have just her primary relationship and a very few casual friends of her own. I wouldn't let go of my friends under any circumstances and she was irrationally jealous of them. Eventually, I chose my friends over her. Now she realizes that she should have worked harder at maintaining her own friendships. So it goes.

    Long term friendships require effort. But, they are worth it.

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    1. Yes when a partner is upset by your friends, it's time to end you relationship

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  15. I'm still in touch with nearly all my old friends, even if only superficially on Facebook. I can only think of two with whom I had a real falling out -- in one case it was friendship complicated by romantic overtones (a common gay problem, I think) and in another it was a guy who just treated me repeatedly like crap and I got fed up. Most of the time I try very hard to keep friendships alive.

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    1. I guess I am too steve...

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  16. I have a book called 'Finding Jesus'. It's based on the 'Where's Wally' books.
    I had a pen friend who was OK for a few years but then started sending me letters which said things like 'Marilyn Monroe and John F Kennedy both denied Jesus and within a week, they were dead. Follow our saviour, or you too will be struck down'.= - and other loving, religious stuff like that. I never wrote back after that.

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  17. I am sure that the quote 'people always come into your life for a reason, a season or for life' is true, friends come and go, we help some, and others help us then fade away, some stay along time, very few for a lifetime....looking back at my life I really see this happens.

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  18. I move on and leave 'friends' behind very easily. It just seems that I change my life completely on a pretty regular basis and some 'friends' can't cope with that. I had one that did but she has sadly passed now.

    Although through some of our recent moves we have kept a small group of people that are dotted all over the country and we'll be there for them as much as they would be there for us if the need should arise.

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    1. That’s my experience too. Folks don’t like it when you do something completely different, they somehow see it as a criticism of their choices. It’s hard to keep friends in those circumstances.

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    2. I think some friends see change as comment that they may not be " enough " for you

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  19. Yes, a couple of friends left me because of my behaviors. They came back. Usually I seem to lose friends through death. Two lost this month.

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    1. Dare I ask what behaviours?

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    2. I was a very needy alcoholic addict. The near death thing really got to all my friends. They didn't want to see me die. I'm glad to say they are friends again now that I have been clean and sober for over 30 years.

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  20. I have had many close friendships with coworkers that rather quickly died on the vine when one of us or the other moved on. Close proximity made for true friendship, but after a parting of ways, there wasn't a common thread anymore. I am introverted and I think that's mostly why it happens. I don't make the effort to get out and about. But I love having email and texting friends. John, aren't you curious about what has happened to Hippo over the last 3 years? I wonder how many kids he has now? And the restaurant thing.

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    1. I can speak for myself ursula

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    2. Dianne.. I am curious .....very. We were friendly and I think his silence rather odd..
      if indeed it IS him...
      Some of me thinks it's an epitaph

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    3. I would have not ever thought of it as an epitaph, interesting thought. I hope we find out somehow.

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  21. Oh my god, yes. I have certainly fallen out with friends. Don't we all? It's rather like falling out of love, isn't it? It can be devastating. And weird. And very sad. But also, sometimes very, very necessary.

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    1. I think you have given the best answer here

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  22. I can't say for sure, but my moving abroad for a chunk of years seemed to harm the friendships I had had here back home. Folk move on, get busy & you may or may not be able to return to what was had. I have had a slightly hard time accepting that.

    I volunteer, I host a German speaking group, I get out...yet it's funny to feel like a 'transplant' in your own backyard, to a degree.

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    1. Making friends is harder the older you get I find. Making acquaintances are easier the older I get

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  23. Oh yes - about 25 years ago. She did something I thought was unforgiveable, but she thought was "just fun".

    We're now "friends" on facebook, but frankly in the meantime she's seems to have got even more p her own wotsit.

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    1. At least Facebook means you can be friends from afar

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    2. Yep - I also have other (still real) friends who know of her & know she's still telling porkies.
      But at least know she seems to have settled down & doesn't try to "turn" mutual recently come out friends.

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  24. Two. One over money owed me...$900. And the other over 'glossing' facts over and taking advantage of the friendship. I don't have many friends and am loyal to and cherish the friends I have but I don't take kindly to being taken advantage of for any reason. Both were friends for years, one for almost 40 years.

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    1. As soon as money is involved the friendship is often over

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  25. I had a friend for over 15 years who began to take over my life I felt.If I didn't want to or couldn't do what she wanted she got irritated.She could be very nice but a very selfish.I noticed she was saying unpleasant things about other people I liked.I eventually made the decision to break away from her when I was poorly & she was irritated that I called to tell her that the following day I would not be able to take her to a market-she went mad.When she found out later that I was not well,no apology.The poem that has surfaced is odd,a short explanation I would think should have been offered x

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    1. Perhaps it's his epitaph ?

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    2. That was my first thought John

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  26. After years of believing in 'unconditional love' I realized that many 'friends' see that as 'chump'! I've lost two friends who I though were dear in the past 5 years. One got caught gossiping about my family and then got kind of ugly when called on it. Bye Fried!

    The other friend was part of our book club. Every meeting she dominated the conversation, rarely listed to others, constantly interrupted and griped about the same 2 personal incidents for over two years for at least (at least) an hour every meeting. We all supported her and tolerated he lack of good manners until one day she sent three nasty emails to two of us, demanding what should and should not be discussed at our gatherings. Not suggesting but demanding. Not wanting to get into the drama, I guess you can say I just 'ghosted' her. Just stepped away. Feels good not to do drama!

    I hold my friends dear, but don't want to be a doormat or victim.

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    1. I like the last sentence

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  27. Yes, I've had falling outs with a couple of friends over the years; it's always sad but sometimes necessary. And as a born again Christian who does NOT flow with the norm (re church etc), I do hang out with gays (and all LGBTQ) and support the cause. God loves all His creation equally; and as I am not God, I figure that I'll just follow His command to love and accept unconditionally and leave any judgement to Him.

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  28. It's almost a year since my two male friends took flight. Some of it was through my bad handling of the situation but mostly I put the blame squarely on their shoulders. Interestingly, one of them still has me on his FB friends list and all the posts on his page are the ones I tagged him in whenever we went anywhere together so I'm assuming from that that he doesn't actually hate me in any way. I encountered the other one a couple of weeks ago when I was taking my Grandaughters to the Library. He turned his back on us and walked off in the other direction. It's been a tough old year.My Bestie lives in NZ now and we communicate in one way or another almost daily.

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    1. I remember your situation very well old bean

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  29. I had a very close friend who dropped me cold. We had been so close we considered living together after we both got divorced. She just kept making, then breaking get-togethers, blew me off, so I know I hadn't accidentally offended her. But I don't understand why, and at the time I felt so bad, heartbroken even. I saw her this summer and she walked right by me as if we'd never met. I also lost touch with a couple of dear friends from Brooklyn days who moved far away, France, England. Sad. I treasure friendships, including blogging friendships.

    lizzy

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    1. I think that it's the not knowing that is the worst thing. I do think that a friend has. Some sort of responsibility to explain in these kind of circumstances ... others, I know dusagree

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    2. Well, yes, I'd like to know---but on the other hand it might be more hurtful to be told the truth? I mentioned this to [of all people!] my ex husband, the subject came up bec her ex husband owed him a lot of $$$---and ex told me , "No doubt she got bored with you, it happens---I got bored with you.'' LOL LOL! Well, that's telling me!

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  30. More than twenty years ago now a friend that, at the time, I considered the closest and best of my entire life. She turned against me and managed for a short time to turn my own family against me as well. That passed and we moved on. I've seen her since (she lives on another continent now) and we discussed what had happened in the past. She had no idea she caused me so much pain or so she said. From that break up I've found friendship hard and have made exactly one close friend in all the decades since.

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    1. Lack of awareness whether it be self or otherwise is interesting here. I am sure most friendships that break are caused by mistakes one party is unaware of

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  31. I have gone to more funerals lately but I still have a few friends left.

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    1. Simply an age thing.

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    2. This happens to us all unless we die first

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  32. I ended a friendship with a woman I had known for 25 or 30 years. I had been aware for some time that the only time we talked or met up it was because I made the effort. I called her one day to set up a meet for lunch. she was on the other line and told me she would call me back in a few minutes. she never did and I didn't call her back and it's been at least 10 years.

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    1. Yes.....I've been there

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  33. Friends - now, to be pedantic the term is difficult to describe: I always liked the late actor John Wayne's description of it who said: 'if you can count 5 friends in your life who you could ring at 3 o'clock in the morning and say, come get me from the sheriff's office, i can't say what's happened, and they do, they're friends.' I understand his meaning, I would say I have 5 or 6 close friends, many semi-friends and dozens of acquaintances.

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    1. Me too...5 best friends are enough x

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  34. It seems I fell out with All of my friends after my husband died.
    I guess I am no longer fun.
    F* em ~

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    1. That will return x

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    2. Not to interfere, but some people have an awful time dealing with death. It reminds them that they too will die and no one likes that.
      Others have no idea how to handle the grief of the surviving spouse. This should be a no-brainer. Just treat you as they always have with a little extra love and compassion.
      And some people are just shit.
      Hugs to you and f'em indeed. :)

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  35. I ended a 20+ year friendship when said friend accused me of making my youngest daughter a lesbian because I let her play ladies football. At the time I wanted to punch her, now I just find it very sad that people can be such small minded twats. x

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  36. A fellow I know recently remarked to me that my childhood friend had mentioned my name in passing. (This man is married to her sister.) I told Bob that I would love to talk to Carol. He relayed the message and she enthusiastically told Bob to give me her phone number. A couple of weeks later I called her and she asked me NOT to contact her again as she was trying to put the horrible memories of her youth behind her! This woman and I had been pals since forever until about age 15 when our family moved from the neighbourhood. I don't have any horrible memories from my friendship with her, so what gives?

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    1. I have had this happen to me, guilty by association
      You perhaps remind her of an unhappy time. Nothing to do with you, just about the time

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  37. I miss having friends. I think moving about a lot as a kid and up till 17 years ago affected my friendships greatly. As a mature adult, in a very rural setting, busy with kids, household and job, I didn't have much time to make friends even then. I have had several really dear ones over the years, lost through distance and time now. There are few I touch base with every once in a while. I do a lot of mail art/letter exchanges and that is my source of friendships now... mostly lightweight but a few deeper I think. I enjoy various bloggers such as yourself and find myself caring about their lives as if they were friends, but are they? I don't have a blog though I do post art and photos of my life over on Instagram...

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    1. I do miss my Sheffield days sometimes where 7 friends were " on tap" so to speak

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  38. A quote from Miguel Ruiz "Four Agreements" book: “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”

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    1. An interesting quote. And one, from personal experience is very true

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  39. I hate the term "born again Christian" but I am one and i do gays!

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    1. Many , as you are aware, do not

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    2. I would be interested to hear what a born again Christian is. What does it mean?

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    3. You never " met" Chris from his country blog did you Rachel? He became one, and it was a frightening change to witness

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    4. No but I have read some of his posts. I think he is at least trying to be a good person.

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    5. What I mean is I think he is saying something he believes and sticking to it even if you don't agree with him. He is not saying one thing but doing another.

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    6. He was polite to me but I was a second class citizen

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    7. I know someone who is born again and has a gay daughter. Her comment on that has always been, "It is only God who can judge." If only all the zealots could follow that.

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  40. I think there is very little worth ‘falling out ‘ over , not really . I think friendships can alter in their intensity according what’s happening on both sides of the friendship . I tend to ‘go with the flow ‘ , but if I haven’t heard from someone for a while I will make contact and check all is well . But sometimes friendships change and end and you just need to accept it . Works for me xx

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    1. I agree Shelly, I have friends, true friends who ebb and flow but when we get together it's just mighty fine x

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  41. I have only knowingly fallen out with a friend once, and it was totally my fault. I was about 13 or 14, and my classmates discovered that I could draw good facial likenesses, and egged me on to demonstrate, using one of my best friends as a model. She hated how I made her look, and it just made it worse that the rest of the class said how accurate it was. Not a trick I've done in public since!

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    1. You brought a realistic perspective to the whole romp x

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  42. I've mentioned before the saying people come into your lives for 'a reason; a season or forever' and reminding myself of that is the only way I have managed the disappointment in people that befriend you only to dump you for whatever reason.
    I think the saddest for me was a couple my husband and I met at a car club meet and we enjoyed friendship, support and even holidays together. Don't know what exactly happened or what was said, but it would seem one of us offended them as they discarded us quite abruptly without explanation.
    We lived in different parts of the country & were without a telephone line at the time and mobile reception iffy... we managed to see them once ('phoning prior to dropping in) and they were polite but reserved in hindsight. Post visit I kept sending cards for Christmas/birthdays ect and after about 6 months I realised there was no effort on their part to communicate.
    I would have loved to ask what was the problem... but my husband felt that if we meant so little that some incidental offense was enough to curtail a long standing 'friendship' then they were not true friends .. just friends of convenience... and it would never be the same as before. As it was a shared friendship I respected his view but gave me great sadness for the loss of people I held very dear.

    In saying that I had lost contact with my childhood friend after a disagreement as adults. I had felt let down and told her so. We didn't communicate for many years but I missed her all the while. About 4 years ago I sent her a Christmas card and told her I always thought of her & family and she responded with a phone call. We keep in contact about every 2-3 months by 'phone. It will never be the same and I have always been a more invested.. however I am grateful for what she is able to give.

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    1. I am in your ballpark here. I would have needed to find out what had happened

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  43. I had a "user" friend. It was all about her - you listened and she talked and talked and one day I had it and stood up for myself....... have not heard from her for over 20 years.

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    1. I understand this phenomenon

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  44. I am my own best friend, which has served me well over the years. I learned how to be my own best friend on my way to attend the wedding of my best friend since I was a teen. It was in Manchester in the UK, and I flew all the way over from Australia.

    She only gave me very short notice so I had to drop everything and the airfare cost me a mint but I figured, she is my best friend, I have to be there. I flew for over 24 hours all on my own - loving every minute of it because I am a plane geek but most importantly learning how to value and enjoy my own company.

    It took me another ten years after that to realise that she was not really my friend at all. When I walked out of my marriage due to domestic violence, I was surprised to find she took my ex's side, because her husband took his side.

    Her marriage did not last very long after that, and she tried to refriend me, but I was not interested. If you can't be there for your bestie after she got slapped hard across the face and walked out without even stopping to put her shoes on, then you are not a bestie at all.

    When it comes to blogging I am a very loyal friend and follower, but sometimes the friendship is not returned. There were a couple of people where I used to comment over and over, and they never ever found their way to my blog to leave even one small comment, so after about six months when I realised it was all me commenting on theirs only, I unfollowed.

    Mostly these were people who are blogging for followers so they can start to earn money from it. I would not have thought it difficult to leave the occasional small comment for someone who regularly comments on your blog, but apparently it is Very Hard Work for some. :)

    And just in case you didn't know, re followers, I have my own private blog feed reader and follow your blog via that, so I don't know if I show up in the google followers list.

    I will remedy this now to make sure I do, but there are probably many folks who follow you that do not appear there. :) There are people reading you via things like Feedly and Inoreader and various other online feed readers, too.

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    1. Thank you for that...and thank you for following. And for commentating. Sometimes I am that unloyal blogger as I often don't find the time to comment on others blogs but in some ways tryst is why I ask these sort of questions ..for I love the comments and find they are more interesting than the original blog entry

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  45. I moved a lot when I was young (19 to 24) due to being in the military (US Air Force), and we had to learn to move on with friendships too. Sorry, don't mean to sound so cold, but it was a necessity. I once went to work for an afternoon shift as an Air Traffic Controller and was handed paperwork notifying me I was being transferred to a training base in another state to become an instructor. I had two weeks to close out my apartment, say goodbye to my boyfriend and all the friends I had made, and report for duty at the Instructor training school. I didn't even get to work plane traffic that day as once I was handed my orders I had to drive over to personnel and start my processing paperwork because they were short of instructors and class was starting right away! That was a big shock and I don't think I ever processed it, just accepted it and was on my way. We didn't have texting and email back then, and calling was far too expensive for military pay, so I never even saw some people to say goodbye. It makes me sad to think of that situation, and it wasn't that unusual. I think when you are in that type situation where you don't have control of your life, you learn to let go easily so it doesn't hurt so much. You learn to shut the door and not look back.

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  46. A couple of years ago I had to cut off a 'friendship' due to bizarre jealousies and hypocrisy that eventually came to a head. Personally it hasn't changed my life one bit (in fact it's improved it), but Lady Magnon still rather regrets it; which is odd because the nastiness was mostly aimed at her!

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    1. It's sad when a friendship ends even if it is for the best. It kind of leaves a bad taste in the mouth

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  47. Fallen out with a friend? Born again Christians? Oy!

    I had two best women friends in my lifetime. The first one came out to me. We were probably in our early 30s (I am 71). We were REALLY close . . . when I say came out to me, I was the first person to whom she came out. One day, 10-20 years ago, we were in line to get some food. She literally shoved me aside and said "get out of the way, let this policeman in front of you." The idea was fine. The shove and attitude were NOT. When we got back to my house, I said "please do not never do that again. It was rude and very demeaning for me." She got up stormed out of my home after some expletives and it was the last time I have ever heard from her. Oh well.

    The second friend was really my very best friend for 30+ years. I told her about the episode and she found it to be VERY bizarre! Some many years ago I was on a regular phone call with her. She was angry with me for some reason. "I said to her, please do not get so angry with me." That was the end of that friendship . . . . . all of which makes me much prefer men friends to women. PERIOD!

    Now as to the born again Christian thing, I had the experience. I am grateful. I do not attend a church, I do not like many Christians for a variety of good reasons. That said, I have been close to gay men my entire life. I was very involved with all aspects of the AIDS movement in the 80s & 90s. I also am very proud to be able to say (this is a fact - not a brag) that I created and ran the finest AIDS program of its kind in the world. I was unbelievably privileged! If I may say so.

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    1. Liz......good for you x

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    2. I grew up in North Carolina. I was saved from a lot of that 'born again' hysteria because of my California based family ..
      They didn't go for the whooping and hollering in church, a nice quiet Presbyterian atmosphere was more like it lol
      If I was going to be a Born Again anything, I think I would like to be a cat . :)

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    3. Dear Notes: Don't think Californians are immune from whooping and hollering in church!. I am a native Californian from Sonoma in the wine country. They built a Southern Baptist Church right next door to our house when I was about 7 and we joined. I spent more hours in church per week than most people spend in a couple of months. Plenty of whooping and hollering, but no real compassion for people in my opinion. I finally was allowed to quit when I was 13 and I've never attended a regular church since. My best friend at one time was a Mormon and I used to tell her I spent a lifetime on my knees in church during that 5 year period.

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  48. And oh, I have sort of a new friend - female, but as my husband says she is very narcissistic - so she is a sort of friend, ah well. My husband is my best friend, and was initially before we were lovers. Yup, love him the best.

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    1. As long as you both understand the rules of the friendship!

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  49. Make new friends but don't forget the old. New friends are silver but old friends are gold.

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  50. I have never fallen out with a friend; I've been blessed with my friends. I have new friends but I have old friends that have been with me for over 40th years - don't know what I would do without them.
    Greetings Maria x

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    1. Greetings Maria x
      You are a star

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  51. I think the falling out is more of a female thing - I have been aware of quite a few such friendship 'break-ups' between women in my time, often the cause of which baffles me (!) but none for men.

    But never mind all that -

    'moms'?

    John - this is NOT the USA - we have 'mums', thank you very much. ;-)

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  52. What a thought-provoking blog! I carry sadness over the loss of a friendship that had been very dear to me and my husband for some 20 years. Unfortunately the person became mentally very unwell and decided I wanted an "inappropriate primary relationship" with him. He became completely unhinged and we both had to take ourselves right out of his sphere. Once he had (partially - as much as he ever has) recovered it was still quite unwise for us to have anything to do with him, in case he misread us again. Sad. Mental illness is a bugger. Manipulative, devious, destructive, desperately sad, isolating.

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    1. Yes Virginia the complex nature of obsession and delusion
      You cannot argue with a delusion

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  53. I stopped seeing a friend who called me "needy " I thought this was rather a Pot Kettle situation so I stopped being her friend. Perhaps the distance suited us both, we occassionlly see each other now and after her husband died I made it clear I was there for her x

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  54. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  55. Anonymous11:56 am

    Two friends I thought were for life suddenly dropped me without any explanation. With hindsight the common factor was that they had both moved on financially and no longer needed their 'best friend' to be an unpaid babysitter/dog-walker/errand runner. I bump into one occasionally and she always says that she will ring up to arrange going for a coffee. It never happens and I have now got to the stage where I find this amusing, rather than hurtful. I have also had the experience of losing a friend who became a born again Christian and who sent me a letter telling me to convert or burn in hell. Strange, because I was always taught that 'God is Love'!

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    1. My friend claimed she was a buddist.She was serious about it.She left as she fell out with a Buddhist Nunn.I do know there has been lots of her friends that have had to break away from her eventually.I think our friendship was one of her longest.People who know the situation say I was too soft with her.When her behaviour caused my migraines I had to end it x

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  56. About 15 years ago I quit emailing and calling an old friend. He had treated me very poorly, taking out his frustrations about one of his ex-wives lawyers (whom she ended up marrying.) There was more, and I simply decided I was not going to go out of my way to be treated poorly any longer. He commented to a mutual friend that he didn't know what happened. A few weeks ago I received a FB friend request from him, and accepted it. I am all about second chances. He is still a rude a-hole.

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  57. Most of my friends are through my hobbies. Eventually I found out that a friend from knitting circles and one from quilting circles used to be best friends. One told me that they fell out over a conversation that she says she wasn't really paying attention to and that the other will never forgive her for it.

    That said, the one who told me about the falling out has also said some pretty awful things to me, but I shrug them off and laugh about it.

    Helen

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  58. I rowed with a friend who had been my bestie at school. With hindsight she was jealous I had gone away from the home town to train to be a nurse, and had become independent. The other was there for me at bad times and sad times, but never the good times; the type who drains you with negativity. I finally drew a line under it after she did not turn up to my 30th birthday party. I left it and she phoned a few weeks later, my response was that I did not want to meet her as there was no point.
    Since then I have about 6 friends who I could call in the middle of the night.

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  59. I stopped speaking to a good friend. Our daughters were and still are best friends. We were taking her daughter to Florida with us and for a holiday and paying for everything. On the morning we were leaving Toronto her Mom brought over a pair of jeans she bought in the States and asked me to take them back and that would be her daughter's spending money for the trip.
    I didn't say anything at the time we just headed out. I did not take the pants back and I never spoke to her again. Her daughter spent 95% of her time at our house anyways. I am still mad typing this.

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  60. I lost one friendship because of my neediness. We exchanged cards at birthdays and Christmas for years, but this year no cards. Cards I sent were returned. I cannot find him anywhere, and there is no obit available. I'm very sorry for he was a very kind part of my family for years.

    I did want to add, you have stirred us all up with this post. :)

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  61. Oh god yes... 3 times, all supposedly good friends and in each case I finally woke up to being "used". I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but when realisation finally hits... I walk away and never look back. Well occassionally I think what the person might be doing and if they are ok... but not enough to try to rekindle the friendship.

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  62. I've walked away from several friends over the years, sometimes with relief, other times with hurt. The reason was mostly that they became controlling, and also, I suspect, rather jealous. I value the friends that I have greatly, they put up with my imperfections with good grace so I put up with theirs in similar fashion. Friendship isn't a quantity thing, it's all about quality. I've got friends from all periods of my life, from schooldays onward. Not many, just enough.

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