Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Fanny Chat


I was in Boots -The Chemist on Monday and overheard a young woman say to her friend something about "..having an itchy fanny".
Usually with these sorts of strange conversations I would have lingered a little longer in order to hear more, but the vagaries of vagina chatter does leave me somewhat cold.....
it always has...

Anyway speaking of vaginas,
(as Miriam Margolyes once purred "I'm warming to my subject!")
I was once threatened with physical violence by someone for looking at a woman's vagina.
In my defence I must add that I was a student nurse working at the Jessop's Maternity department in Sheffield at the time  and the vagina in question was just about to expel a bouncing baby boy. It was the baby's father who threatened me, in a sudden and rather unexpected bout of excited paranoia.
" WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" I remember him bellowing at me as I was trying to look all inconspicuous at the end of the bed.
Thank goodness I resisted the urge to  point at the "spot" in question and just opted to shuffle away instead.

When I was a boy, a old Welsh farmer once showed me how to "help" a  stuck lamb from it's mother's back end and her distressed bleating gave me nightmares for an age afterwards.
Child/sheep/any baby birth would be shrouded in mystery to me until this day

Years later when I was a charge nurse, an elderly lady's prolapse waved at me like a baby elephant's trunk after she sneezed violently when I helped her into a wheelchair.
I was so shocked I did let out an unprofessional shout of "fucking hell!!!" when it appeared but luckily she was unfazed with the whole thing stating pragmatically that " it did that sometimes" and could I just don a glove and "pop it back"

It wont surprise you then, that "toilet parts of the lady persuasion" are another country to me. True Winnie's enormous fanny is the only fanny I ( and the rest of population of North Wales) has seen in many a year so it is understandable to all that I am no expert even though I have been a nurse for 34 years.
and long may it remain that I am not

105 comments:

  1. The few I've seen have all looked like they've just escaped from a bad Sci-fi movie

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  2. Fucking he'll is right!!!! Your not the only with nightmares from visuals.......

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  3. I am not sure you are supposed to look at a vagina or penis in the same way as you do into your loved ones eyes. There are few parts of the anatomy that stand up to that sort of scrutiny.

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    1. a very true statement deb

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  4. Dear me, when all it needed was a stitch in the right place.

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  5. I had a real goofy thick lensed glassed indian doctor staring at mine whilst I gave birth to my 9lb 2oz son stating 'That's the advantage of being young you stretch well' I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement. He was funny though

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    1. Gosh I'm blushing now. How come you have the ability to make people open up about things that should never be repeated !!!

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    2. gawd help me, what have I done?

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  6. Christ this made me chuckle so much !!

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    1. your sense of humour jace

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    2. Made my day

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  7. Oddly, here in the US I had always used the term as a more polite way to say "butt". It was a student from British Jamaica who told me the other use of the word.

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    1. I had never heard "fanny" used that way either. It's always meant "butt" or "ass" in the U.S. There is an American saying for expressing disbelief that goes something like "She says she's 29? My Aunt Fanny!" It just goes to show how you can get into big trouble in other countries if you don't know the lingo.

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    2. Fanny is definitely a front bottom term in the uk

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    3. Hence in US you call them fanny bags and in UK & OZ we call them bum bags.

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  8. You must be feeling better.

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  9. Ditto the penis John. I am always telling you I have led a sheltered life - I can just about count them on one hand (not quite but nearly!)

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  10. TMI post. And John, as a male nurse I d have expected you to have a much more pragmatic point of view. Who knew male nurses were so squeamish, I am shocked.

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    1. I'm only human .....

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  11. My farmer father hosted many piglet deliveries. Sometimes the sow had a prolapse. When he told me this, I asked what he did then. "Well, stick it back in." Dad always had a way with words.
    I cannot imagine what you have seen as a nurse.

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  12. Now I'm not feeling too well. Is it this new virulent flu bug or......(I'm hoping it's the 'or').

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    1. I hope it's not the Aussie flu

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    2. A response too literal, J.G. No signs of flu here.

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  13. Anonymous3:59 pm

    If only I could unread today's post!

    Mimi

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    1. Apologies, I don't know what got in me

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  14. Anonymous4:03 pm

    “Do you know what a vagina is?” My mother asked me when I was a teenager. When I nodded she said -“we’ll stay away from them.”
    It’s the only advice she gave me Ive ever actually followed.
    JP

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    1. Anonymous4:05 pm

      *“Well”

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    2. @JP - bwhahahahaha! yep, they only get you in trouble! :)

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  15. If that photo is some kind of fun vagina-themed bouncy castle, where can I get tix?

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  16. I lived my first 54 years without know that the parts could fall out during a sneeze and, LORD, I wish I could have for whatever remains.

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  17. Don a glove and "Pop it back". Lordy. I'm not normally squeamish but that made me gag! x

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  18. I've helped many a prolapsed uterus back in place, working in the large animal veterinary field. Admittedly, I can do it for animals, but not for humans. Takes all sorts.
    You are a comedian John !
    ~Jo

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  19. Some things are best left unseen lol.

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  20. I nearly didn't read it, but thought it couldn't be that bad............but it was.

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  21. A Doctor once had to shove my Auntie Nel's prolapse back in when it came out on the sofa. My Mum's demo with her fist and a cushion was a sight to be seen. We cried with laughter (except poor old Auntie Nel). Your description of your reaction at the elderly lady's prolapse brought it all back to me and made me burst out laughing!!!

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  22. When I first started secondary school (all boys) and I was somewhat less well informed than my contemporarys, someone in class randomly shouted out “vagina”. The elderly teacher stopped the class and in a paternal manner said “well we all know what a vagina is boys”. Not picking up on the rhetorical nature of the question my hand shot up to be the first to answer: “it’s written on the back of coins, sir”. In the immediate silence that followed he looked back at me mystified and then eventually resumed adddressing the class. I was sure I’d answered correctly. Elizabeth Vagina used to be written on the back of coins, and before Elixabeth it was George Rex. Of course I realise now. Anyway, the teacher carried on: “The penis boys: nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just a bit of grissel”.

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    1. We had a houses names after planets in school unfortunately Uranus was not one of them

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  23. I had a mentally handicapped friend (American)tell a visiting British friend how sore her fanny was from a days worth of berry picking or some such garden work and his reaction was an explosive choking affair involving a just taken bite of lunch! The whole table laughed at that..!

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    1. The transatlantic misunderstandings I suspect are common

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  24. I'm horrified and laughing hysterically at the same time...about your post and the comments...

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    1. I have obviously created a monster

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  25. Someone I know just recently asked me if it was true there are THREE holes "down there." HE was never a nurse.

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  26. (deep breath) bwhahahahahahaha! (deep breath) bwhahahahahahaha! (deep breath) bwhahahahahahaha! LOVE IT!

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    1. equipped such as I am with a "red tunnel", I found this post hysterical. thank the dogs and cats my other 6 co-workers were at lunch when I read this!

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  27. Y'all better be more respectful of the good old VeJaja
    it's how most of humanity enters this world (unless surgically). She is also responsible for pleasure for both men and women.... God in his wisdom!

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  28. Luckily I've never witnessed a vagina in a less-than-ideal state.
    The closest I came was when my son was born, which was precisely why I opted to remain at the head end being supportive.
    As a desperate attempt at a suitable analogy for this decision, imagine you owned a beautiful Ferrari which was your pride and joy. Imagine you lent it to a mate who promptly burnt the tyres out doing donuts before crashing it into a brick wall.
    The garage might fix it up so it looks and drives like new and you'd be none the wiser, but if you'd been there to watch the guy trash it you'd never feel the same about it again.
    Thanks for those lovely mental images John, but I'd rather keep vaginas as a positive force in my life!

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    1. Indeed dave a point well made

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    2. Dave Martin .. all very well for the witness but the Ferrari itself would never feel 'like new' much like many women after child birth - trashed!

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    3. Elle: No doubt. I'm thankful I'll never have to experience anything like that unless by some set of bizarre, improbable and inexplicable reasons I'm forced to pass a melon, in which case I dread to think of the state of my arse in the aftermath!
      At least a vagina is designed for the job but yes, I'm sure it can be both physically and mentally traumatic.

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  29. John? As a gay man, what is a va-gin-a? Is it that horrible wound when the little angels forget to put a penis on someone?

    Actually growing up in the country I have been up to my shoulder in a few, only it usually belonged to a cow so no big deal, life is beautiful.... and sometimes it's gross lol.

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    1. This post is not quite taking the direction I thought it would

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    2. what direction did you expect?

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  30. There's a town called Vagina in Russia - north west of Omsk. Some people spend their entire lives residing in Vagina. They are known locally as Vaginans. A little river runs though Vagina. Occasionally it floods.

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    1. Anonymous1:02 am

      Okay, I had a good snorty laugh over that one!
      Debbie

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    2. There is a town in Pennsylvania named Intercourse.

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  31. Always thought an Itchy Fanny was a Japanese motorbike!

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  32. I don't think I needed to know any of this! :^D

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  33. After that post I'm tempted to call you a twat lol xxx

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  34. Anonymous8:38 pm

    The elderly lady you were helping into a wheelchair - was she bereft of clothes from the waist down? Otherwise wouldn't such a thing have been covered?

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    1. It's a long story but yes she was naked from the waist down,

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  35. I'd never heard of the 'prolapse' phenomena until a few years ago when a neighbour experienced one ....I asked Claire what it was one night , funnily enough while 'Planet Earth' with David Attenbrough was on ....she replied ...." See that elephant seals face ...now imagine it in your undies "....

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    1. LOL Incredibly spot on

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  36. The first time I saw a midwife take a torch to look for a baby I was a little surprised, I wonder what your aggressive dad would have made of that!



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  37. Well, I've learned something potentially useful from this post. My late mother-in-law, who had immigrated to the USA from Finland, was named Fanny. Her name was the butt of good-natured jokes among her children. My ex- would have been embarrassed to learn, as I have now learned, that fanny is a term for vagina in the UK. He was embarrassed by vaginas in general, unfortunately, spending as little time as he possibly could in contact with one in order to get his jollies.

    It used to be a thing (and maybe still is) in the US to wear a fanny pack, a belt with a zippered pouch, instead of carrying a purse. I suppose they should be worn with the pouch in front rather than around back?

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    1. " spending as little time as he possibly could in contact with one "

      what a brilliant way to make use of the English language !!

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  38. All this vagina talk reminded me of relatives we visit in Pennsylvania who live just down the road from the towns of 'Intercourse' and 'Blue Balls'. They're surprising close together geographically, but that's another story. X

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  39. I just tried to find Fanny in the dictionary which I keep by the computer as I don't know how to use spell-check go figure, anyway I could not find it, so thanks for every one for clearing that up, fun post John.

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  40. Your blog made me laugh as earlier today a friend had put her status on Facebook a s " Going to have a dry Vegan month" I thought she had put a dry vagina. Was going to offer the KY Jelly lol
    Sue R

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  41. Holy Smoke John! ! That is definitely Too Much Information!

    On a serous note, the lives of women who had endured long and multiple childbirths were - are often blighted by not having access to good gynecologial repair surgery.

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    1. It's still a huge issue and from what I can gather the surgical repair options are not particularly successful

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  42. They always reminded me of bearded clams.....

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  44. Anonymous6:13 am

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  45. I think, when compared to the rather challengingly odd and aggressive male member, the femal vagina is demure and can be quite lovely. But then, I suppose one finds what one wears to be more aesthetically pleasing than the alternative in many cases. And most men, when faced with the portal from whence they became, are somewhat astounded. Vive la difference j'espere!

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  46. Hilarious!!!! First time I saw a prolapse (legs akimbo on the operating table) I thought the 85year old was giving birth! I was a student and thankfully didn't voice that thought or
    I would never have lived it down!!!

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  47. Oh THEM. I had the gloved finger of a 60 something female doctor up mine this morning, only thing that's been near it in an age, contrary to appearances. Which is why she was doing it. TMI? ;-)

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  48. When having my first child I was left legs akimbo in stirrups for a while and felt very exposed, thinking anyone could have walked past which of course wasn't true in a birthing room.
    Recently a friend's elderly mother stopped me in the village and started talking about her prolapse and fitting of a net, I suppose it beats what's for supper x

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  50. In all seriousness, when did "fanny" become slang for my lady bits? I ask because so many Jane Austen characters are named Fanny. Unless that was deliberate on her part? ;-)

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    1. https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/fanny

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  51. Birthing stories always remind me of the hilarious Only Fool's and Horses episode when Raquel was having her baby and Del Boy was with her; him reprimanding the male midwife for 'looking at her bits' etc and afterwards with lovely baby in cot, a nurse enters the room and asks 'cup of tea?' to which Del Boy replies 'please' turns to Raquel and says 'do you want one love?' Brilliant writing.

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  52. I remember that episode too and the other thing that made me laugh was later when Rodney asked Del what Raquel had had meaning boy or girl and Del answered that it was "a little baby".

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  53. Well thank you for giving me something to worry about: my sagging uterus might pop out.

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  54. It's 7:15 a.m. here and this is the best reading I've done yet. Hilarious.

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  55. I always thought a fanny was behind and that it applied to both genders. Learn something new.

    In another lifetime and obviously another frame of mind, I used to go to juice bars (here in Ohio that is a strip bar that's not allowed to serve alcohol because of full nudity.) If you were sitting at the stage the girl would sit right in front of you and spread her legs as wide as possible. It neither disgusted me nor turned me on. I was merely indifferent. Ironically, to me, the girls seemed less feminine, more masculine, when they did that even as they had something more feminine and less masculine to show. I guess it was just their overall attitude.

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