Towards the early days of Going Gently I wrote a blog about a childhood bully.
It was a short piece about a slight from another "country" in time. A once painful but then muted memory that seemed more anecdotal than cathartic, was shared on the blog inappropriately for I named the bully.
Months later I received an email from the former bully. Through osmosis and across oceans the blog entry had reached him and as it is common with memories of past sadder times, the individual had no recollection of the events I wrote about.
We corresponded for a short while, with the hindsight of adults, and, I thought that they were positive emails between two men who had perhaps had rather unhappy schooldays.
We left things wishing each other well.
Months later I received a very different email, informing me of the death by suicide of this man. I had no idea of the motivations for this terrible event and even though I immediately pulled the old post, the cached memory of it reverberated for a while afterwards and must have caused considerable heartache for this man's friends and family.
This is not a blog for debating his motivation, so please don't. It's just a warning to everyone to be very careful of what you write about even though memories from the far distant past seem that they come from a land so very far away.
It was a short piece about a slight from another "country" in time. A once painful but then muted memory that seemed more anecdotal than cathartic, was shared on the blog inappropriately for I named the bully.
Months later I received an email from the former bully. Through osmosis and across oceans the blog entry had reached him and as it is common with memories of past sadder times, the individual had no recollection of the events I wrote about.
We corresponded for a short while, with the hindsight of adults, and, I thought that they were positive emails between two men who had perhaps had rather unhappy schooldays.
We left things wishing each other well.
Months later I received a very different email, informing me of the death by suicide of this man. I had no idea of the motivations for this terrible event and even though I immediately pulled the old post, the cached memory of it reverberated for a while afterwards and must have caused considerable heartache for this man's friends and family.
This is not a blog for debating his motivation, so please don't. It's just a warning to everyone to be very careful of what you write about even though memories from the far distant past seem that they come from a land so very far away.
A salutary message on the need for caution. So easy to get carried away on these posts - and words, once said, cannot be unsaid. The news of this person's sad fate will have undoubtedly shocked you despite what had happened in the past.
ReplyDeleteStrangely, although I was never seriously bullied at school, there was one loud character in my class who would pick on anyone who wouldn't stand up to him, and I did tend to be, amongst others, a prime target. Just two days out of mere curiosity I googled his name (an unusual one, like my own) and discovered that he had died in 2015. Still makes one sad.
My sister and I often chat about our home life as children, we had a very loving time. But her memories often are very different than mine, peoples judgement always come into the memory, which changes our perception. I avoid anything too personal on my blog, again people can be so fickle.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the caution, John.
ReplyDeleteGood advice. I was bullied as a child and I was sometimes a bully; it made me feel empowered after feeling powerless. I’m ashamed whenever I think about those times. Childhood is not childs play.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote from your memory of what happened at school. Memories can be defective but I am sure you didn't lie. The death of someone you knew may be sad but remember how strongly you remembered what happened and how little John felt at the time. I wonder if child bullies grow out of bullying when they grow older?
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn't lie andrew
DeleteMy ex husband was a bully and no, I don't believe they grow out of it. The only time he actually thought about it (stunned) was when my on smacked the crap out of him because he couldn't take any more. Sorry but I really don't have any sympathy for bullies, whatever the reason. A
Deleteshould read "my son" smacked the crap out of him.
DeleteHow dreadful for you and how dreadful for your son
DeleteTreader, my x is a bully/abuser and no they don't grow out of it.
DeleteThey can hide it for a short time but the behavior is there and it gets worst.
My ex is a bully too, n they definitely don't change 😣
DeleteWise words John. I didn't comment on the drama post for exactly that reason. All the best.
ReplyDeleteUsing real names can invite follow-up communication that one never anticipated or wished for. Personally, I am glad that I hide behind the name "Yorkshire Pudding" and suggest that you adopt your own blogging name. How about "Welsh Rarebit" or possibly "Glamorgan Sausage"?
ReplyDeleteI occasionally use real names when I praise, but never when I criticise. Neither arrive that often.
ReplyDeleteSomething to ponder on, no doubt about that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder, that there is no "unsaid" button. I read a great small book on forgiveness a few years ago.
ReplyDeleteAbout 10 years ago, I had a chance to confront someone who bullied me terribly in my youth. I passed, but sometimes I wish that I did say something as that hard chapter of my life still remains with me.
ReplyDeleteI've often been tempted to confront my childhood bullies, but realize they probably have no clue that they did anything wrong so I've said nothing to them. I have spoken about being bullied, but kept the names to myself.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had
DeleteI am sorry this happened, I am sorry you are blaming yourself. The truth is, you could have written a glowing lovely story about how happy those days were, he would have killed himself. Having a little too much exposure to suicide, the one thing that seems to be prevalent, it isn't about one particular thing or time or even person ... the pain of living is too much to bear ..
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for him and I am sorry that you have this bad memory.
People take their own lives for reasons best known to themselves. Whoever he was didn't blow himself up and take 50 bystanders with him so he could meet Allah so that's a blessing.
ReplyDeleteMillions of suicides every year. We're mostly wired up wrong.
When I was having a bath I suddenly remembered he multi- storey car park suicides. It was a strange copycat series. It was30 or 40 years when a suicide in Preston town centre made the front page. Copycats in neighbouring towns started doing it. Jumpers began surviving against the odds. There was no longer any glory in it. People went back to tried and tested methods.
DeleteI am a Samaritan and one of the things we learn is that suicide is often the end to a treadful and exceedingly hard struggle, where the person has often fought for years to deal with.
DeleteWe say when people die of cancer, " they died after fighting the disease bravely" the same can be said for many people who fight despression and lose it to suicide.
They fight bravely
Yes. Thank you John. I was about to type a very similar comment. Sometimes the pain has gone on for years and years.
DeleteGWIL my ex's Uncle jumped off Preston bus station, many moons ago.They've recently put so called barriers up to prevent jumpers 🙄
DeleteJohn, thats's what I mean when I say they all have their own reasons. There are ones who fight bravely against depression or incurable illness and finally cave in while at other end of the spectrum there's for lack of a better word the dilettante, and there's everything between. Suicide is always going to be a problem for soldiers and other military personnel returning to civilian life after seeing active service. Maybe more should be done to address this.
DeleteI've never confronted anyone who bullied or slighted me, I just couldn't. No guts, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI believe most childhood bullies don't recall their actions is because for them, their behavior is normal so nothing stands strong enough to mark it as memorable. As for using names, I usually substitute, unless, like a former teacher of mine whose emotional abuse of children was well documented in the local newspaper, at that point they are fair game, especially when take time to consider how many children she hurt.
ReplyDeleteI think when home life is difficult other situations like school are not important
DeleteI was bullied by a girl in junior high and when we passed on to high school she went to a different one and I was so thankful. I never encountered her during the three years of high school but when I went to my one and only reunion, my 20th, I ran into her. I was so shocked to see her, had no idea she had transferred to my school, that I stood face to face with her and blurted out...Diane ----, you made my life miserable in junior high! She gave me this surprised look and and replied...I did? and then she apologized. and that was the extent of the conversation. no chatting after. so I think Dave R above is right. they don't remember it because it's normal behavior to them.
ReplyDeleteOh, yikes. I'm sorry that occurred. As you said, it's impossible to know what motivated such a drastic act. I almost never disclose full names on my blog, unless I'm talking about a famous person in a harmless way.
ReplyDeleteYes I too am careful after this
DeleteGood advice John. I try to write about only the good memories..although I have been tempted once or twice.
ReplyDeleteThe world is indeed a very small place nowadays
DeleteIt's good for me to think deeply about a child who is mean to others. Often times it has to do with what that child is dealing with at home. I like to try for empathy for the person who imparts arbitrary pain on others. Not always easy, but I try.
ReplyDeleteGood advice though....thank you for being vulnerable.
On reflection I do suspect that this was the case
DeleteOne year I was given a protector not that it did me any good. At least I had a guaranteed playmate on the playground and she was a genuinely good kid. Bullying still happened especially on the walk home...
ReplyDeleteYes I remember that walk
DeleteWe all know, John, that you would Never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone.
ReplyDeleteBut we all do sometimes do we not
DeleteI guess bullying is a reflection of their own unhappiness, but for God's sake, if you have a modicum of intelligence you know it's wrong. I was what they called a swot, in that I got good grades in school, but they more or less left me alone because I was in to sports too. My revenge was getting a great job in Switzerland while they are still working in the factory in Birmingham. Sorry if I sound aggressive but my ex was violent pig who beat an awful lot of kindness out of me. A
ReplyDeleteNot aggressive just bruised x
DeleteGood advice for us all. Please don't feel guilt for the actions of another. You are a good man.
ReplyDeleteI didn't feel responsible but I felt bad for his family and friends
DeleteThat is very sad.
ReplyDeleteIt was all round
DeleteWell, John, taking your advice, I deleted my comment on yesterday's blog post about my ex husband. Do not want his feelings hurt! LOL.
ReplyDeleteI do try to write as though whoever I'm writing about could be reading it. It helps.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a comment then decided it was not to share.
ReplyDeleteDon't blame yourself for any way in this, he must have been in a dark and sad place for a long time. You were perhaps just a sounding board or punch bag for his feelings many years ago ... no doubt he went though life trying to find ways to cope that you know nothing about. Unfortunately he didn't find a nice way out.
ReplyDeleteI'm always careful not to name names, or talk about some of the darker chapters of my life. I have mentally dealt with them and they do not need re-hashing.
Perhaps I'm too open
DeleteThere's nothing wrong with that, an open heart and mind is an honest one. xx
DeleteCommercial insurance liability used to be based on the damage you thought you would do.ie you drop a spanner into the ships hold, you expect to damage the paint work, if it lands in a gas pocket and blows up the ship you are liable for the paint work not the ship. You were liable for the paint work, no matter how appalling the explosion. Such as they say is life. I
ReplyDeleteI had to read this twice! X
DeleteNo matter how hard we try, we can't be completely anonymous. If I talk about someone who is still with us, I try to edit what I write. In the old picture on my today's entry, everyone but me and Dixie is dead. Dixie is truly failing.
ReplyDeleteI believe that everyone has a bad day once in awhile..i also believe that it is by far healthier to take the bullying and insults as a compliment.
ReplyDeleteI usually thank the offender for the rude action letting them know I appreciate the time they wasted trying to offend me. I also take them off my Christmas list and out of my life.
Awesome blog, i always enjoy & read the post you are sharing. Thank for your very good article...!
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What a sad experience for you to carry John. Your Samaritan's experience is spot on - the straw that breaks the camel's back is often a combination of hurts/events. My experience of bullying was exclusively and daily delivered by the religious women who taught us. Thinking about it, it's surprising there was never any amongst us children, but great empathy for those who were the nuns' victims. Not a happy place or time for most of us!
ReplyDeleteVirginia.. I also experienced this bullying behaviour from nuns at boarding school, but as well their 'favourites' seemed to enjoy the sport as well.
DeleteWell and truly turned me off religion.
John I enjoy your blog however refrain from sharing at times because some topics are fraught with raw memories for me ... not a bad thing but best not to comment.
Your doggie stories give a lightness and share a love of what is truly good and delightful in our 4 legged families.
I do thankyou for your being candid about life and times.. I think it is rather brave to be a blogger.
Regards, Elle
Hugs to you fur family xxxx
Well, despite having blogged for well over ten years, thankfully nothing's come back to haunt me as yet. I tend to heavily disguise the identity of people I've known in the past, which probably helps.
ReplyDeleteAppreciated this reflection . . .
ReplyDeleteI like your kind heart . . .