The Prof is away for three days, so I decided to go to the cinema this afternoon
Just as I left, I remembered I needed corn for the geese, so forsaking
my trip to see " Joy "
I went to the feed wholesalers instead.
There's a big cheerful lump of a guy who works in the warehouse and
showing off a little I reached the 25 kilo bag of corn just before he did and "expertly"
threw it rather heavily over my shoulder.
As I did so, I let out the loudest of explosive farts.
You know the type.....one that couldn't of been restrained with a just a clench
The workman laughed once and called out a hearty
" THAT'S EMBARRASSING " and I tottered away masking my shame with a brusque
call of " It's my age"
( it's actually my 38 inch waist)
Oh John, why do we laugh at farting? I take so much medication that I cannot control my bum. I stand up . . . I fart . . . I sit down . . . well you've got the gist. I try to control it, but at best it comes out as a squeak, but undeniably MY squeak. Any suggestions regarding concealment? It is so unladylike but then I was never a lady. Love Andie xxx
ReplyDeleteAndie, the older I become the more I can relate. I'm not sure why we laugh esp. given that each of us does it at least 32 times each day I once read. I think we always laugh because it's a bodily function we can't always control whether we let one rip or squeak as the case may be. I chose to say men fart, ladies fluff. Since you can't conceal it, just say "Pardon my fluff" with an aire of confidence about you.
DeleteOh, Ellen, I love the fluff word, but not in a month of Sundays does anything that comes out of my bum sound like fluff. More like the Queen Mary entering (or exiting) Liverpool docks. I shall think of you every time now, actually that was meant to be a compliment, Hmm. I love the photo's of Oregon, it look Fab. xxx
DeleteYou never disappoint LOL
ReplyDeleteThank you for my afternoon chortle John! 'Wherever thee may be, let thy wind break free, lest it be the death of thee'. I bet that workman tells the tale to at least one person later today!!!
ReplyDeletePerhaps a butt plug would be the cure ?
ReplyDeleteWhats one of them Heron?
DeleteYou seriously want him to go out loaded? At least he's only firing blanks....
DeleteI stopped and checked here to see if todays blog was up .. it has been a slightly blue morning for me .
ReplyDeleteYou fixed that ! lol ... I am sitting here grinning like an idiot.
Thank you John .. What was the look on the workmans face ??
Men seem to never outgrow finding the humor in farts.
ReplyDeleteHad you had a scotch egg?
ReplyDeleteNot today.....i have one a week and friday is my " scotch egg " day
DeleteSo much for the macho image !
ReplyDeleteYou have made my day once again. I'm laughing so hard here at my desk I think I've pissed my pants!!!
ReplyDeleteI' m now responsible for an office leakqge!
DeleteIs there no end to my talents?
Funnily enough, corn gives me wind too ...
ReplyDeleteOh John...pride before a fall eh? oh well at least that's one less pound in the doctors pocket! and we all do it....why does it embarrass us so?
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh so hard. Thank you for sharing, but I am sorry that it happened to you!
ReplyDeleteLovely Hubby tries to be quiet with his farts, not always successfully, but no matter what the volume I always hear them. He looks at me sometimes thinking he's not been heard ... I just give him 'the look' and he says "excuse me". If we're not in the same room I shout out "I heard that" and he just laughs. :-)
ReplyDeleteMy husband, a notorious bum trumpeter, shouts "That bl**dy floorboard is creaking again".
DeleteJust home from a funeral, and you made me laugh out loud. Thanks John.
ReplyDeleteDid you say, "now"? Greetings Maria x
ReplyDeleteAs my mother would say, that's what you get when you show off. Thanks for the good laugh! (I'm still smiling.)
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere the other day that on average men farted something like three times as much as women each day. Judging by the number of times you mention it John I think you must do a lot to alter those statistics.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the afternoon giggle. :)
ReplyDeleteAll part of the normal human condition. There is more room on the outside than there is on the inside, even if you have a 38 inch waist.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between my husbear and I is that he'll let 'em rip at home or in the car, but never anywhere else. I've developed a stealth routine. For example; when shopping at the supermarket I'll look around, make sure the aisle is empty, listen for anyone on the other side and sound the horn, so to speak, while loudly coughing. He knows exactly what's going on and runs away everytime. If there's a chance anyone is in earshot I loudly say "couldn't you have waited to do that?" It works everytime!
ReplyDeleteIt's best to do this while standing near the Stilton cheese, carlnepa - then nobody will notice.
DeleteEver thought it might be the scotch eggs?
ReplyDeleteBriony
x
Its been a week....even my digestive system is quicker than that
DeleteHow did it smell? I dropped one in "The Banner" on December 29th and it was like someone had just lifted the lid of Margaret Thatcher's coffin. Truly vile. I was so proud but my quizzing buddies were disgusted.
ReplyDeleteIt smelled like palmer violets
DeleteYou have just brightened a rather sad day John, I really did need a chuckle and you provided me with one.... but then you often do.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as though a few people are having a shit day today
DeleteI adore you.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is why I try not to go out in public with my mother... not that she tosses bags of corn on her shoulder... No, the dear lady can manufacture methane from pure air and shares it, loudly and generously. Many's the time, as a child, when I'd be dying of embarassment as she chortled her way (from both ends!) down the grocery aisle.
ReplyDeleteBetter out than in. X
ReplyDeleteWhoopsie!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy Mum used to say,
"Where 'ere you be, let the wind go free;
in church or chapel, let it rattle."
I'm sure it applies at the corn merchants as well, so you are forgiven, John.
I went to see Joy this week and I liked it. The fart story was probably equally entertaining though! And free
ReplyDeleteWell thank you for my morning laugh. The picture in my head of you in that situation ....
ReplyDeleteoh sweet mother of pearl! I am currently cooking supper (5:30p here) and this made me LOL; the cats think I've gone daft! hope the fart was a GOOD one!
ReplyDeleteIt sounded like the Queen Mary's fog horn
Deleteyou are like a large squeaky toy.
ReplyDeleteI thank you!
DeleteDear John Gray the Squeaky toy, I read this , this morning ... I laughed.
DeleteI am re-reading it now, I am laughing harder.
This is one of the funniest .. fart debates ? conversations ? dialogues that I have ever read.
Queen Mary's fog horn finished me off. I can't read anymore. Thank you ... Candice / giggling helplessly.
I am sure 'word' has spread all over the village about your talents, John!!
ReplyDeleteAnd you dont fart jimbo?
DeleteI wallow in having others carry things to my car.
ReplyDeleteWe're spending the winter in a small town in Mexico... each day a truck drives through town (many, many times each day) with the loudspeaker blaring... "Gahz.... gahz...gahz..." All day long. (they sell propane gas). So... everytime Bill farts (yes, he does), I mimic the gas vendor... gahz.... gahz.... in my "best" Spanish. Of course I had to read your blog to Bill... saying gahz... gahz.... GAHZ
ReplyDeleteBut, is it your Superpower?
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about your waist size, John. My hubby, also John, is a 44!
ReplyDeleteThat got my early morning off to a good start!
ReplyDeleteYou have farted in so many different places. Didn't something like this happen when you were at the market ?
ReplyDeleteYou make me giggle.
cheers, parsnip and thehamish
At least it was only loud and not loaded ...
ReplyDeleteBest way to get through the tendency to be embarrassed when letting one rip is to laugh at yourself before anybody else can beat you to it.
ReplyDeleteOh John you are priceless x
ReplyDelete'Joy' indeed - but not for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's in my diary for next week. Mainly drawn to it by its featuring Bradley dish-on-legs Cooper - and now I see that Kylie, above, has endorsed it, so it's become a must.
Ha! I haven't seen "Joy" yet either but it seems to be on everyone's radar...
ReplyDelete(I love Rambler's comment...)
fellow fart machine here
ReplyDeleteYears ago my sister was walking downstairs in her nightie and dressing gown and must have ripped off and SBD (silent but deadly). Unfortunately for her our border collie shot up her dressing gown looking for it! Ha that'll teach her. Anna
ReplyDeleteJohn, I don't often comment but this post has me in fits. I recall, many many years ago, my old grandad, coming down the stairs of a morning, farting loudly with each step he took, and my younger brother walking behind him, pretending to play the trumpet.
ReplyDeleteI got a giggle out of this as well!
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh so much! I must be part boy!
ReplyDeleteHi there, I've just hopped across from Gail's blog!
ReplyDeleteAh ... I remember that scene!
All the best Jan