" The Crab Stick Incident"

I had a bump in the Berlingo this morning.
Nothing major! there was no damage to either vehicle, but the whole accident did cost me my lunch.
I'd just had an exciting half hour in Tescos buying a new mop , followed by a twenty minute battle with the great unwashed in Poundland ( they do cheap bleach!) when I realised it was lunchtime.
Now last night , I had broken into my emergency scotch egg supply to cure a sudden rush of depression, so knowing that I had already gone over my scotch egg quota for the week, I decided to get myself something low fat from Marks & Spencer.
As usual I was spoilt for choice, but after a good ten minutes drooling, I chose a packet of cocktail sausages ( for the dogs) and a packet of crab sticks for me......
Okok I KNOW that any self respecting crab has never been near a crab stick in it's life, let alone make up a packet , but I DO like them in a low fat, synthetic kinda way even though they have been recently given the generic new title of " seafood sticks"
When I got back to the car, I fed the dogs their treats ( Winnie can get 8 cocktail sausages in her mouth at once ) then drove out of town with my crabsticks all lined up on the dashboard ready for me to dip into as we went!
Big mistake.
I had just stopped in the line of traffic at the top of Prestatyn High Street ( right outside the undertakers) when, reaching for my first crabstick, I misjudged the distance and knocked four of the little suckers onto the floor.
George, ever the opportunist , leapt onto the front seat and in the unsavoury scuffle that ensued, I let the berlingo creep forward and I nudged the car in front of me.
As it turned out it was another berlingo!
And the elderly driver was up and out of the driver's seat like a rat up a drainpipe
I got out to apologise, but he was already examining his bumper with forensic care
" Didn't you see me?" He snapped
I smiled and mouthed " SORRY" I couldn't tell him that I was trying to save a crabstick from the clutches of an elderly Scottish terrier with halitosis
The cars behind us were beeping, but the old fart couldn't be rushed . So it was a minute or so until he was satisfied that no damage had been done. A long..... long minute during which I could see Winnie hysterically bouncing around the back seat in an effort to squeeze herself into the front.
When I eventually got back into the car William had already joined George in the front seats,
And there wasn't a soddin' crab stick to be seen
Not fucking One!
Hey ho