Friday, 21 August 2015

" The Crab Stick Incident"


I had a bump in the Berlingo this morning.
Nothing major! there was no damage to either vehicle, but the whole accident did cost me my lunch.
I'd just had an exciting half hour in Tescos buying a new mop , followed by a twenty minute battle with the great unwashed in Poundland ( they do cheap bleach!) when I realised it was lunchtime.
Now last night , I had broken into my emergency scotch egg supply to cure a sudden rush of depression, so knowing that I had already gone over my scotch egg quota for the week, I decided to get myself something low fat from Marks & Spencer.
As usual I was spoilt for choice, but after a good ten minutes drooling, I chose a packet of cocktail sausages ( for the dogs) and a packet of crab sticks for me......
Okok I KNOW that any self respecting crab has never been near a crab stick in it's life, let alone make up a packet , but I DO like them in a low fat, synthetic kinda way even though they have been recently given the generic new title of " seafood sticks"
When I got back to the car, I fed the dogs their treats ( Winnie can get 8 cocktail sausages in her mouth at once ) then drove out of town with my crabsticks all lined up on the dashboard ready for me to dip into as we went!
Big mistake.
I had just stopped in the line of traffic at the top of Prestatyn High Street ( right outside the undertakers) when, reaching for my first crabstick, I misjudged the distance and knocked four of the little suckers onto the floor.
George, ever the opportunist , leapt onto the front seat and in the unsavoury scuffle that ensued, I let the berlingo creep forward and I nudged the car in front of me.
As it turned out it was another berlingo!
And the elderly driver was up and out of the driver's seat like a rat up a drainpipe
I got out to apologise, but he was already examining his bumper with forensic care
" Didn't you see me?" He snapped
I smiled and mouthed " SORRY" I couldn't tell him that I was trying to save a crabstick from the clutches of an elderly Scottish terrier with halitosis
The cars behind us were beeping, but the old fart couldn't be rushed . So it was a minute or so until he was satisfied that no damage had been done. A long..... long minute during which I could see Winnie hysterically bouncing around the back seat in an effort to squeeze herself into the front.
When I eventually got back into the car William had already joined George in the front seats,
And there wasn't a soddin' crab stick to be seen
Not fucking One!
Hey ho

52 comments:

  1. John, John, John. Crabsticks? Really? So not worth having to deal with aging rats. (Glad none of you were hurt.)

    We really need to expand your low fat repertoire.

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    1. They didnt even leave me the wrappers

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    2. Poor guy! Go get yourself a can of tuna and drain it well... mix it with some minced red onion, minced celery, a bit of olive oil, some lemon zest, and pepper. Stir it well and have it over lettuce, with crackers, or stuffed in some raw veg. Don't leave it out on the counter for Albert to get into!

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  2. there's not much that's more disappointing than to lose a keenly anticipated morsel

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    1. I should know better.... This happened to me before with a scotch egg lost

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  3. Don't they have distracted driving laws in Britain?

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    1. Probably , i didnt notice

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  4. You have made me laugh out loud ! As they say. Glad it was only a little bump . Still laughing actually..the thought of Winnie trying to squeeze into the front. I needed that hysterical laughter…(just off to see consultant about painful knee ) thanks John. X

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    1. She's sulked all afternoon

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  5. This was funny although sad that you missed your seafood snack.

    The rest of the day will be better

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  6. I'll say it again. You guys need your own sitcom! Once again you've started my morning with a great big chuckle. Thank you:)

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  7. And it only gets worse John, so I have started placing both hands on the steering wheel as a reminder to do nothing but steer and pay attention (well, sometime any way.) Last time I tried to catch a container of dog food on the way to the vet, in a split second I slammed into a tree in my truck that ended up costing $11,000 USD to get fixed. And, it was in my own driveway. You lucked out.

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    Replies
    1. The berlingo is invincible!

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  8. There's never a dull moment in your life, is there?

    Thanks for my morning chuckle!

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  9. Much better for the dogs than cocktail sausages, I'd say. I am sure they'd agree!!
    'Calamity John'........just came to mind.

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  10. No crabsticks is far more slimming that 16. Be grateful that they saved you from yourself.

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  11. Poor John, poor Winnie! Happy George and William! It's an ill wind that blows no good. ;-)

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  12. The loss of the crab sticks makes this a real tragedy. I do hope that you got replacement crab sticks. After the accident, you needed them more than ever.

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  13. Perhaps there's something in the stars...

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    1. Im destined for unhappiness

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  14. I love your blog for the very fact that it makes me laugh. I agree you should be on one of those sitcoms/reality programs. Your life is never boring and quite a lot of it is one of a kind.

    Heard from the other half?

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    1. The prof skyped me from the airport!

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  15. A true loss! (From a lover of seafood sticks.)

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    1. Iris....i didnt mention ( for dramatic effect) that I bought 2 packs of 16

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    2. I know from personal experience that they do go down quickly. They are so nicely gooey. And the dipping sauce!

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  16. the dogs were doing you a favour by eating that shite!

    now get yourself something good, like pizza!

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  17. You need to find something the dogs don't like to eat, that should narrow it, lettuce perhaps?

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  18. M&S Seafood Sticks, they'll be expecting them all the time now those dogs of yours :-)

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  19. Don't drive and text can be extended to Don't drive and have a dashboard feed.

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  20. The last time I checked my favourite canned "seafood" they had changed the "seafood" to include calamari - eek! Perhaps the dogs saved you from a fate worse than death ...

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  21. Too much fun in the morning !
    : )

    cheers, parsnip

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  22. You go to Poundland to buy bleach? Do you know how cheap bleach is in Waitrose? How much does it cost in Poundland? Let me guess....

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    Replies
    1. Its a MASSIVE bottle

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    2. Oh well, I suppose with the amount of ordure you have to clean up in your household - yours included - you need a massive bottle.

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  23. So what did you really end up eating for lunch? The truth now...

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  24. I wonder what those sticks are really. I hope you went and got some more. When I get a serious craving I have to submit or pay the consequences. Usually a deep, but short lived depression.
    Now I'm craving seafood.

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  25. Glad that no-one (including the Berlingos) was hurt.
    Sad for you and your lunch.

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  26. Thanks for the laugh, John, could just imagine George and William making the most of your distraction ! Bet Winnie doesn't speak to any of you for ages !

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  27. You do lead an eventful life. All I did was clean up dog dirt in the bathroom...when the corgi saw it, she ran away, telling me it was hers.....

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  28. You didn't need a fake crab stick anyway, did you John? Glad nothing was damaged (except for your quick lunch)!

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  29. Life's journey is fraught with challenging incidents. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes. Thank your lucky stars that the other Berlingoman didn't whack you!

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  30. I would have gotten right back in my car and bought a set of Scotch eggs a AND the crab substitute (I like it too) to soothed my frazzeled nerves! I love your honest portrayal of your life.

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  31. Hey, it wasn't a scotch egg! You'll lget over it knowing that you gave us all a good laugh. What would we do without you, John.

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  32. That was the Universe telling you that those things are not food. :)

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  33. I feel yor pain. I rather like crab, sorry seafood , sticks myself and I'm pleased to hear they are a low fat option.
    Here in Oz we are not permitted to take our dogs in cars without strapping them in to seat belts. That would have saved you from losing your lunch as well as preventing your bump.

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  34. I may well answer this when I have stopped choking with laughter.

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  35. I too live under the threat of instant karma. Take some much anticipated ice cream out of the fridge and a 3 lb pork roast drops on my foot!!!!

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  36. I keep picturing Winnie with those 8 cocktail sausages in her mouth....

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  37. Do crab sticks taste of crab? Is it actually sea food? And if it isn't, what is it?

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    Replies
    1. Here in America if it iis mitation krab, it is made from from smashed up white fish (surimi) colored and shaped to look like a crab leg. Daughter likes it and keeps her on budget.

      cheers, parsnip

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  38. Oh my god. What an episode. That was a terrific laugh, though maybe not for you at the time!

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  39. Just discovered your blog via Vera and this made me laugh so much x

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