I thought I'd just get that straight.
Last week, at the animal wholesales, I bumped into Bunty the lesbian smallholder from Llanfair
Talhalarn. I was buying layers pellets , she was looking for rat poison. Though part of me thought that Bunty didn't really need poison to kill anything. She always looks as though she could strangle a hippo with only one hand.
I asked her how the geese were, the ones that she bought from me last year.
" the snotty bastards are still keeping their distance" Bunty moaned " I still can't tame them"
I didn't have the heart to tell her, that with her big booming voice, she was never likely to...ever.
Animals need the Penelope Wilton approach rather than the Brian Blessed
There are several rules that need to be followed where the taming of animals are concerned
- You need to move slowly at first and get on with doing quiet routine jobs around them without looking at the animal you want to tame.
- If you have jobs or zombie games to play on the ipad, sit down near the animal and keep quietly busy. The animal invariably will come towards you to give you the " once over". When they do approach talk to the animals quietly. This works very well with geese and sheep who are naturally curious...if you are up for it.....lie down in the field face down ( although don't do this with pigs!)
- Use food bribery using favourite food stuffs. Cheap white bread is nectar ,to sheep and geese and turkey's and hens adore teats of dog food. Always leave the animals " wanting more" use the same feed bucket or bowl every day and use a consistent animal call to " Marshall the troops"
- Try not to dress in different clothes and hats . Consistency is the key.
- Never try too hard.
Things you mustn't do when taming animals
- Don't have a crafty piss when geese are about beak height is invariably at willy height
- Never scream like a girl in the vicinity of potentially hysterical Indian runner ducks
- Never hold an animal tentatively. Most animals will go " limp" if you hold them firmly
- Keep small screaming children and toddlers locked up in a cage if possible.
Irene and Sylvia will now eat corn out of my hand and do so every morning
Bingley will sit on my lap for a taste of dog food
Camilla, has a natural reticence with people but will allow herself to be picked up
New cockerel " Capaldi" is a work in progress