Thursday, 14 August 2014

Zebra Crossing Drama

I was going to blog about one of my favourite comedians and essayists David Sedaris today.  His series on radio 4 Meet David Sedaris is an absolute hoot and well worth investing in for just half an hour a week. But events conspired against this cultural gallop and instead I will share with you what only can be called The Trelawnyd Zebra Crossing Incident
( Tom Stephenson look away now)
We have only one zebra crossing in the village, and this as you would expect is located in front of the school. Given the amount of speeders on London Road, I always make for the zebra crossing when out with the dogs and will often launch myself ( keeping the dogs safely behind me) onto the first " stripe" in order to bring the speeding cars screeching to a halt, often just inches away from me!
( readers of  going Gently from years ago..may remember I had an altercation with a man in a pick up van at the very crossing which resulted at me throwing  a bag of poo into his open boot!)
Today, I tend to use the crossing more because both Meg and George prefer to amble rather than gallop when out for their walk
This morning I used my tried and tested, " foot on the first stripe" challenge to an overly fast  thornhill skip driver, who had to break so hard his mobile phone slithered off his dashboard.
The driver gave me a withering look but waited for several cars to come to a halt from the opposite direction before I marshaled the dogs in order to cross the road.
Now when four cars and one lorry are waiting for you to cross the road, what you don't want is a 26 kilo bulldog to stop dead in the centre of a zebra crossing, but stop dead she did and without a hint of embarrassment , Winifred brought the dog convoy to a scrum, squatted with a loud grunt and started to push out one of the largest and wettest turds in modern day history, right in the centre of a wide white stripe.
The lorry driver rolled his eyes, and I could see a woman in the car behind craning her neck to see what the hold up was.
When bulldogs poo.....they cannot and will not be rushed!
I smiled apologetically at the traffic and tried to pull Winnie onto the pavement, but she wasn't for pulling, so I made a show of retrieving a doggy poo bag from my pocket to show just how responsible I am as a dog owner.
Yes, you've guessed it
I had run out of doggy bags!
Mind you, by the look of Winnie's offering as it slowly and surely arrived, I really was in need of a large black bin bag rather than a dainty pooper scooper bag.
So there I was, standing in the road with three dogs in one hand and a bulldog squeezing out a turd the size of a small child  in the other!..... No bags......and a captive audience of increasingly irritated drivers watching every move.
Finally, Winnie finished the caramel coloured " mr whippy" and red faced I had to mouth to the lorry driver a rather lame " sorry no bags" to which he mouthed out a reply something on the lines of " fucking disgusting "
I dragged the dogs to the curb as the lorry and the first car on the opposite side of the road moved forward. The woman driving the car was shaking her head at me as she swerved around the turd, the massive wet turd which was then flattened with a sickening squelch a second later as the car behind hers smacked into it.
Oh the shame
The village school children in front of the aforementioned crossing
Last year





89 comments:

  1. OMB! someone get john a supply of poop bags, please!

    (slyly smiling and saying "good on ya, winnie!")

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  2. Oh I feel your embarrassment, but that is so funny!
    And all those drivers are going to think that you never scoop the poop!

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  3. Bulldogs will not be rushed. never. I know.

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  4. To quote Monty Python -- it's people like you what cause unrest.

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  5. It's hard to type when you're shaking with laughter.

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  6. Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing so much!
    Of course you didn't have a poop bag.

    Thanks for the larf--very much needed.
    x

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    Replies
    1. I second that, Megan!

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  7. Oh Lordy! I'm gonna try to rub out those images but I fear that, thanks to your pictorial language, they've become indelible. And thank you too Winnie!.

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  8. The comedy value of poo should never be underestimated. Winnie clearly has a sense of humour!

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  9. So funny ~ on ya Winnie!

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  10. I've just wet myself.

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  11. That was so funny you crack me up. Dog owners all over will completely understand though.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks rabby...welcome aboard

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  12. Oh dear gods.....a day in the life.

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  13. Oh gasp I can not breathe for laughing!

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  14. It seems quite often, as I read many of your blogs, I find myself sitting aghast with a hand held up to a wide open mouth.

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  15. Oh my god....I am going to lose it!!!!!!!! Hysterical!!!!!!

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  16. I have just laughed out loud on the train.

    I also love Peter Sedaris. x

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  17. Ben likes to stop right in the middle of posh drives, the ones with a petrol guzzling, brand new, gleaming monster, preferably full of well dressed peeps late for the school run. I just lean heavily on my stick and act innocent.

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  18. Oh, big deal. Running over poop. It's not as if they had to step in it. When I saw "zebra crossing," I thought you meant a zebra needed to cross the road. I always slow down when I see a crosswalk.

    Love,
    Janie

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  19. omg, what a story, had to call Tom in to read this one and yes, I do remember the poo bag throwing event. Maybe its a good job you didn't have a bag as you may have thrown it at the lorry driver and broken his windscreen. lol
    thanks for the laugh.
    Briony
    x

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  20. No card carrying dog owners amongst the drivers then.....

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  21. Someone needs to come up with a walking collar or leash with attached bag dispenser and easy refills.

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  22. You have phenomenal powers of description. That was a hoot, although if it happened to me I would have been embarrassed also :)

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  23. David Sedaris is funny. But reckon your blog/life would give him a good run for his money. Like a comedy of errors some days and very entertaining x

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  24. SJQualls, Aldi stores had them in just recently!
    Oh John, trust Winnie to do the poop right there! I was in stitches imagining a child -size poop being delivered on the 'crossing lol!

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  25. That could have been me last week after the oysters I had !!!! XXXX

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    Replies
    1. ………. and Winnies performance is very reminiscent of the film ' Bridesmaids ' !! XXXX

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    2. Did a bridesmaid shit on the floor of the church?

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    3. No …… in the road. It's a comedy and, I think you'd like it. It's v. funny. XXXX

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  26. Shame there were no open top cars!

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  27. It could only happen to you :-)

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  28. You are so funny. Thank you for making me giggle.

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  29. Why can't Tom look? Queasy stomach?
    Good for Winifred. Gave them all a morning touch of reality.

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  30. When my son walks The Square Ones, on our very quiet roads, everytime when a car comes he says "Car" and pulls then off to the side that is when both dogs run and or and sit right in the road.
    Daft dogs !

    cheers, parsnip

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  31. Now I want to find the blogs of these drivers and read what they have to say about you,,, Hilarious! Winnie is not for pulling! The desciption of her produce did make me a little sick inside my mouth though...

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  32. Don;t they train Police Dogs only to poo on command? If so that methinks that Winifred needs to go to reform school.

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    Replies
    1. I hint I could poo on command!

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  33. I would have looked away right from the start, but I saw my name rolling up, so I had to look. I wish I hadn't.

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  34. I can smell from here.

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  35. Replies
    1. That's exactly what I said

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  36. When you've got to go, you've got to go. And it sounds as if an excavator would have been more use than a bag.

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  37. I'm sorry, I really am, but this forced a guffaw out of me. I know the feeling; better you than me. (Though I was hoping someone would leap out of their car waving a plastic shopping bag your way...)

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  38. for the love of god. what the hell is that dog eating...

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  39. Two very large mouthfuls of yesterday's cottage pie actually

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    Replies
    1. maybe it was the potatoes

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  40. LOL! Our Dachshund likes to shit in inappropriate places at the worst of times, too. Prestatyn retail park seems to be his favourite; he cocks his arse up on the wall of Tesco that runs down to Boots and leaves a little brown parcel on the ledge in front of, well, everyone. He has also shit in the entrance to Iceland car park when there was a car waiting to enter. Cringe.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Hannah....I feel a little better now!

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  41. Hands down , my favourite ever post .......nothing comes near to this !

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  42. Brilliant. So funny. I read this aloud to my hubby.

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    1. Hope he wasn't eating chocolate ice cream at the time

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  43. We dog owners have all been there at some time or other, but probably never as awful as that! Made me laugh. I feel embarrassed if the dog is " doing it" at the side of a country path while someone is going by. I feel for you..but still hilarious…..hope you will get over it soon! Wasn't reading you when the poo throwing incident into the back of the pick up happened but it sounds like something I would have done! X

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    1. Thank you for that sympathy.....

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  44. I'da had the urge to pick the turd up with my hand and mouth back to the Lorry driver, 'No. This is fucking disgusting.'

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    Replies
    1. You are a tougher man than me mike

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  45. Hope yo went back with a mop and bucket John and cleaned up so the little school kiddies dont tread in it....:P

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    1. Allan I had a quick look this evening
      Most of it had been ......worn away!

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  46. Incident happened in the morning.

    You "had a quick look this evening"...

    Hmm... Not exacty rushing back to clean up then eh?

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    1. 99% was around a wheel of a Nissan micra

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    2. Then that's bigger than a Micra!


      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  47. How proud Winnie must be to have her poo spread throughout the land on car tires. Dogs are like that.

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  48. The authorities are going to have to come up with a new road sign - Warning Dog Turd Ahead - with a stylised cartoon version of Winnie's head in the middle of the red triangle. I wonder if zebras also poop on zebra crossings or do they only do it on dog crossings?

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  49. Thank you, it was a rough afternoon and I needed a good laugh.

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  50. you MUST stop writing these blog snippets WITHOUT WARNING PEOPLE. i'm 71 yoa and was on the couch. i fell off laughing so hard and it took me 20 minutes of laughing and trying to get up. i finally am on the couch and ok.

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  51. I hope it rains soon!!
    I needed that laugh.

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  52. I just love winnie...the photo of her asleep with her tongue out and now the "Poop Incident"...she is priceless.

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  53. Made me get down on my knees & give thanks I am partial to cats. Hope the all the traffic splattered all traces of the incident into oblivian. Otherwise, there might be an outcry from village mothers this afternoon as the little tykes trudge home wtih evidence of Winnie's vile act on the soles of their shoes.

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    Replies
    1. Thank The Lord the kids are on summer holidays

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  54. Good God man, you and your dogs are a treasure. I read the whole thing with my hand over my mouth LOL

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  55. Won't deal with dog do-do, but David Sedaris....funniest guy I've heard in a long time. He hooked me with that famous Christmas Elf post many years ago, Montana Public Radio plays it every season.

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    1. I adore his self depreciating humour.......he also concentrates on his family, partner and everyday life and finds humour in all.
      I like that

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  56. This is so funny - I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I can envision Winnie taking her sweet time - a bulldog gotta do what a bulldog gotta do....make that doo.

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  57. I can't believe you don't carry extra bags... I always carry extra bags, but then I used to be a boy scout, too.

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    Replies
    1. I usually do Dave... It had just been a prolific shit walk

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  59. On a trip to the vets my mum and me were walking our lovely black lab, Daisy home. She never needed a lead. As we admired the most beautifully manicured, bowling green like lawn she walked calmly onto it and did the turd circle walk with arse slowly curling downwards. A huge greedy lab turd lay steaming on this obvious pride and joy. We did what responsible dog owners do......ran! My mum pissed herself I think. What a day! #turdgate.

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  60. This was the most hilarious post..I laughed until I cried at the vision of the dogs holding up the traffic during the great " poo" incident...I have cats but I love dogs and this kind of a tale makes me really want one too!!

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