Monday, 9 June 2014

Beware the water

Warning explicit photos in text

After dropping Chris off for the Glasgow train, I walked the dogs in the rain, collected animal feed 
and returned home to clear the decks before before driving up to Denbigh to see the George Clooney vet about Welsh Terrier vaccination boosters .
There was enough hot water in the " tank"
So I treated myself to a crafty and luxuriously hot soak in the tub.
( even I can be seduced by a Joan Crawford bubble bath)
I was just closing my eyes to radio 4's " book of the week"
When heavy and scratching footsteps could be heard on the Lino 
A second later a big nonplussed face appeared over the rim of the bath 
and Winnie gave me one of her " kiss me now" looks.
I should have seen the signs
For as I dozed to Rebecca Front's chocolate tones ignoring the "face" 
Winnie unexpectedly launched herself into the bath.
I don't think for an instant that she realised that there was very VERY hot soapy water lurking there
I just think she got carried away with the bulldog idea of smooching, but nevertheless all 26 kilos of her slithered over the rim of the bath as she clambered onto me.
What happened next was all a bit of a blur.
I screamed a great deal, she grunted in a rather surprised and rather shocked way and a great deal of water left the bath amid bellows of " GET OFF ME YOU FAT BASTARD"
A few seconds later it was all over.  Wide eyed Winnie had leapt out  and had run for the safety of the bedroom and I sat in a half filled bath , winded and  covered with bruises.
I didn't move for a couple of seconds and caught my breath
Then I looked down towards the tap end
And something bumped my calf gently
Yes
OMG
Yes
A half submerged jelly fish like flotilla of bulldog turd
How's that for a shit post .?

93 comments:

  1. Despite being forewarned twice... perhaps this might deter you from kissing bulldogs whilst sharing a bath with them. I am no prude, but for heaven's sake...

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    Replies
    1. Bet that you've kissed uglier women

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    2. Maybe, but I didn't let them shit in my bath... as far as I remember.

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    3. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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  2. Dearest sweetest John, is there no end to your troubles? At least they are more benign (and not self inflicted like someone's I could mention but shan't. He resides in Angola unless he uses NHS resources). I think Chris too has a lot to answer for. No sooner does he leave you to your own devices no sooner are you in either the grip of goats, Scotch eggs or the ever needy Winnie. Shit indeed. Should I ever have the privilege to use your bathroom please do remind me to lock the door.

    26 kilos? I thought our 8 kg Bouncer of a cat was a bit much as hot water bottles on one's lap go.

    U

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    Replies
    1. Ursula
      Don't be sharp about tom
      He deserved his nhs care... More than most people that live in this country have ever done....

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    2. Dear John, have barely recovered from seeing a fresh Jason further down. He sure is one of those evil bastards to melt my heart.

      As to Tom and my relationship with him: It does you credit to always spring to the defense of the underdog. Let's forget about the NHS. After all, Tom is British. So he is entitled. His soldier-ing bit? Nah. Sorry. I'd disown myself as his mother if my son ever joined the army, any army. Not that he would. Such is his upbringing. Neither would you. And that's just a fact, John.. That both of us, you and I, are fond of Tom aka Hippo in our different ways, is self understood. Doesn't mean that he is above considerable criticism.

      U

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    3. Mwwwwwaaahhhhhh
      Kisses Ursula on the forehead x

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  3. Never a dull moment around you is there? Thanks for the laugh...

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  4. Put a lock on your door John!

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  5. Your house is friggin mental .....I don't think I have ever heard anything like this ....should go viral this story

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    Replies
    1. I have just had another bath with dettol
      You may smell it when eggs are delivered in the next hour

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    2. Wear one of those Xmas tree car fresheners please .....

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  6. I cannot believe what happens in your house!!

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    Replies
    1. Buy a bulldog then you will

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  7. your dogs are hilarious!!!! what would the dog whisperer say?

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  8. i guess she was really frightened!

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  9. Your bellowing scared it out of her. Thanks for the morning laugh.

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    Replies
    1. I think it was the heat of the water...oh and the fact that she had actually jumped into water that got her going

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  10. Oh John.....it is way too early for me to be laughing so hard....I'm going to wake the house! I hope you didn't get too banged up!

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  11. Is it a well known fact bulldogs crap a lot? Or has your preoccupation with all things faeces rubbed off, as it were?

    LLX

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  12. Well at least she's solidifying now.....the scoots are over with thank goodness. It could have been a LOT worse lol.

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    Replies
    1. True. A bathful of doggie diarrhoea doesn't bear thinking about.

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  13. What a hoot! Wish you could have filmed it. On the poo front….I had to pull some cat poo out of the dogs mouth this morning…….WITH MY BARE FINGERS……..eugh.

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  14. Your life is never dull!

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  16. Shitty for you. ;-)

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  17. I'm breathless and speechless....bet Winnie is too!

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  18. Okay, while others might object to the graphic nature of the accompanying photos, they're absolutely necessary.
    Without them no one would believe the things that go on in that Welsh cottage.

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  19. thanks for the larf! I'm grateful BlogLand does not have odour-rama!

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  20. She's a very considerate dog, at least she didn't crap on the carpet like my cat does frequently. Runs through the house, over tiles and wood floors to crap or vomit on the cream rugs. Much harder to clean up

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  21. That is sooooooooooo funny.

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  22. Fess up, John. How do we know it wasn't you?

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  23. Damn, now that's a shitty situation to find one's self in. Never a boring second in your house!!

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    Replies
    1. I hardly found it interesting

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  24. I got nothing but laughter here. Oh my God.....

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  25. This got a true snort out of me--how unladylike, all around.

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  26. Lost her shyte, did she?

    XO
    WWW

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  27. Thanks for that, I laughed so hard and have tears running down my face as I type!
    Poor Winnie, she only came to tell you she wanted to go outside...........xx

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  28. tears rolling down my cheeks..... priceless

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  29. Oh, dear, John... Make yourself a note to put the dogs out potty before you take a bath... and um... shut the door... How long have you had dogs? (They are like children, you know - always wanting something when you're occupied)

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  30. I swear I'm gonna quit reading your blog if you can't write about anything but dog shit! It's been all dog shit all the time lately. What is it with those dogs - why do they shit everywhere but outside where they're supposed to??

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    Replies
    1. To be fair leslie..she was somewhat shocked

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    2. Ok ok no further dog poo posts

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  31. Did you ever make it to the vet?

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    Replies
    1. No I had another dettol bath iris

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  32. Hahahaha.....Kind of makes the joy of the bubblishous bath go flat I would guessJohn?

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    Replies
    1. The last time i was in this situation I was three years old in the bath with my sister

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    2. I hope your sister didn't shit in the bathtub! Hahahaha!!! :)

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  33. Oh John! I wish I'd sat next to you at school..... :-)

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    Replies
    1. I was the fat quiet one at the back

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  34. Crying with laughter and my kids want to know why, you make my day :]

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  35. She couldn't help it. An experience like that is enough to make anyone do that John. You spoil that dog rotten and then complain when she just wants to love you.

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  36. Your recent posts have been a right load of crap!

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    Replies
    1. Like most of my entire blog jane

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  37. Really?...oh John I hope your hands are washed raw before you get to nursing...or am I just a worrywort? ps..have just spent half an hour getting cat hair off a cream bed throw.....why are we so soft with our pets......

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    Replies
    1. I do scrub them red raw before I start work lib

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  38. Ewwwwwww. You really did scare the poo out of her.

    X x

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  39. I have just had a few glasses of wine and I have only been home an hour and preparing for the evening and winding down nicely and then I read this and I blew out a mouthful of red wine. Such a waste John. I wish I had read it earlier in the day.xxxxx

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  40. I do hope you hunted her down and dried her off tenderly with one of your nicest towels; after all, she was clearly terrified :)

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    Replies
    1. She dried herself on the eiderdown.... I did let her have a few of my McDonald chips and a bit of a cheeseburger at lunchtime

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  41. lol ........... just laughed so loud the street heard! x

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  42. I have followed you for many a day, but your bathing experience awoke a long distant memory of a shower. A Burmese cat caught short. A funny squelch sensation in my toes and as the hot water embraced the odour.......................... Enough! I survived, as did you!

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    Replies
    1. Claggie explain the name claggie x

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  43. for the love of God?! I think she needs to not be fed for a day or 2.

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    Replies
    1. I think her pelvic floor is a bit lax

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  44. I sure chose the wrong day to log in at the local library before heading to an afternoon meeting.

    I'm not being shushed back into the Stone Age by a mind-bogglingly attractive librarian.

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    Replies
    1. Did you take a photo of her?

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  45. I don't know whether I feel more for Winnie or for you. I hope the bruises - and scratches have healed.

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    Replies
    1. She's sulked all day.....

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  46. Winnie needs to work on personal boundaries.

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    Replies
    1. An impossibility for bulldogs methinks

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  47. Crabtree and Evelyn have brought out a new soap then? Eau de Winnie
    xx

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  48. Thank you as always for brightening up my day!!

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  49. Hahahaha! Good old Winnie, love it!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  50. LOL I my sympathies are with Winnie.

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  51. You made me laugh out loud!

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  52. Awww poor Winnie!!

    She sees her Dad all relaxed and reclined just waiting for a kiss and cuddle, obliges with the former and when she goes for the latter finds herself submerged in horrible flowery, smelly, toxic bubbles ... it was all a trap.

    No wonder she sh*t herself.

    :-)

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  53. Science & Philosophy

    Question 1.

    Is a turd in a soapy bath a clean turd?

    Discuss.

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    Replies
    1. As someone who " fished it out" all I can say is no

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  54. My favorite part of this whole tale and photo history is the fact that you paused to take a photo of the submerged shit so that we got a visual punch to truly take this story to the next level. Well done my good man, now towel off and lock the door.

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  55. LOL!! I've just spluttered coffee everywhere.

    One of our previous cats used to come and join in the bath. Had no fear of the water and would curl up on your chest purring, tail serenely floating off amidst the bubbles.

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  56. Ew. Ew. Ew. I'd be taking 12 showers a day for the rest of my life (in a locked bathroom) if that happened to me.

    I can't believe Winnie called you a fat bastard! The bitch...

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