Emergency Exit

Now, if the poultry and waterfowl start their calls of alarm
and I am in the cottage
I have to leg it out of the back door, down the gravel path, around the wall
Down the lane


Past the corner

Over the field to the Ukrainian Village

Not a huge run, but one complicated and delayed by gates, paths and greenery
And so yesterday I had a flash of inspiration and devised  a short cut from the cottage
to the field.


The short cut is a simple one
Metal chair against cottage wall
The idea was, 
Hear distress calls
Drop  tea towel
Leg it to emergency chair
Jump over wall
Run to field
Save birds
Simples

Yeah that's what I thought.

Message to self, 
Don't try this when you are nearly 52
Over weight 
And wearing crocs without the backs on.

The resulting fall over the wall on the dry run
looked a little like this





67 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:58 am

    Exactly what I was thinking as I was reading it and saw the chair at the wall.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A good idea, but you need to make the access point a little safer perhaps, rather than a chair a wooden platform and rather than leaping over the wall and possibly scaring some passing motorist to death, a nice calm dismount would be the order of the day.

    Your wall vaulting days sound like they are over, better practise some more if you want them back. But in the meantime remember more haste less speed, better a dead chicken than a seriously injured chicken keeper..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not going down without a fight sue!

      Delete
  3. How about a couple of mattresses either side - springboard and soft landing area?

    ReplyDelete
  4. 51? Overweight? Crocs? Clearly we have the same stylist !!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  5. Let's hope you land on the fox.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No, you never put the backs on crocs! Ever!

    By the by, I've done a more in-depth Tom update on http://bit.ly/1jcLboy if you're interested!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the Hippo update. That is one very nasty wound.

      Delete
    2. I have never seen anything as bad as that, poor man. I wonder how long he had to ignore pain and discomfort before he even thought to have a look at what was going on :-(

      Yuk, yuk and triple yuk!!

      Thanks for the update.

      Delete
    3. Thanks IG
      I will give him a bell sometime to see if he needs anything?

      Delete
  7. Tee-hee, that's funny, but go careful. (I love your cottage garden, it's so pretty.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Why don't you buy an electric fencer, John? You can get a mains electric fencer, a battery powered fencer and even a solar powered electric fencer. I use it to save grass but I am sure it would keep foxes away from your poultry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to have one Dave... The hens a free range over the acre field....so do the geese and ducks...it's too big

      Delete
  9. christ...don't fall on the birds! the fox will be the least of their problems!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful garden! How about a small three or four step ladder on either side of the wall? I've noticed our invincible days end in our mid-forties and it becomes more important to be safe rather than "cool". How dull.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I needed to read no further when I, too, saw the chair against the wall. Are ya skinned up?

    ReplyDelete
  12. And I was concerned about you vaulting into traffic! The crazy lady downstairs, uses a ladder to climb over her garden wall.

    ReplyDelete
  13. If you synchronized this entire journey with James Bond music it would be kick-ass!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous11:52 am

    Ouch. Maybe it's time to install a back door in the cottage.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my God, John...I almost lost my coffee.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh no! LOL Time to get an electric fence love. That or a Llama to ward off the predators.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Random question...do you have pro-Russian insurgents in the Ukrainian village?

    I hope it didn't hurt...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Do you really think this is a wise move? Remember your window incident?
    Jane x

    ReplyDelete
  19. John, you really do need your own television show!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Put me forward for one...I need the money

      Delete
    2. The Benny Hill theme music is suddenly running through my brain.

      Delete
  20. Damn it, can't see the result of your leap of faith. Hope you're not too bashed up. The only thing more stupid than crocs for climbing in is flip flops. I have the scars to prove it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I was going to suggest a manly leap over the front wall, as part of your exercise regimen. Perhaps that will have to wait until you've reached a more advanced stage of fitness.

    And now I have an image of Winnie standing on the chair, front paws on top of the wall, looking down with bemused resignation at you lying flat-out in the lane.

    ReplyDelete
  22. And here's me just thinking as I read it, "that'll do his weight loss good"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too... first thing I thought of.

      cheers, parsnip

      Delete
  23. I'm a bit worried that you'll end up straddled across the wall with a voice a few octaves higher !!
    Your Montana Rubens is a picture. XXXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Montana was originally a small cutting nicked from a neighbour

      Delete
  24. uh oh....hope your ok.

    ReplyDelete
  25. When we had chickens I had our little Sophie trained to run out barking her fool head off. No chickens anymore but all I have to say is “what’s that” and the little weasel takes off screaming through the gardens.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All four dogs have been standing guard most of the afternoon

      Delete
  26. A good short cut is never easy! No 12 bore to carry with you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Might cause a bit of a stir in sainsbury's

      Delete
  27. I love my crocs but sometimes I fall out of them. At least crocs are soft it hurts a lot more in clogs the wood can really dig in

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also scuffed my bum on the wall top

      Delete
  28. Pole vault ? Trampoline ? Two ladders one either side ?

    Short cuts never really seem to work !

    ReplyDelete
  29. A pair of stilts might work well. I can see you legging it down the lane as I speak.
    Maybe a little gate in the rock wall is the proper thing to do, we don't want our favourite blogger to be injured.
    Lovely garden lane there.
    ~Jo

    ReplyDelete
  30. I like the idea of a trampoline... Thanks so much for the video, though. (But you might also consider wearing pants.)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh you do cheer me up x

    ReplyDelete
  32. why don't you go out the front door?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Smart arse
    X

    Lol
    Cottages like ours never use their front doors much

    ReplyDelete
  34. Ouch!
    Everything looks green and lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  35. " The idea was,
    Hear distress calls
    Drop tea towel..."

    Cunning plans like this are all very well, but there is usually a flaw that their creator is too close to the action to notice. For example suppose, just suppose, that you were not carrying a tea towel with you at the time? How then would you execute the first essential step of your plan immediately after the distress call eh? I suggest you keep a tea towel in your pocket at all times just in case. But perhaps I have misjudged you. Perhaps you do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No tea towel?
      Then I would run around in circles screaming

      Delete
    2. Ah... good plan... for then, on hearing your cries of distress the poultry would come running towards YOU. Even better!

      If we put our two clever heads together we may get this all sorted out in the optimum manner.

      Delete
  36. why not use a step stool?

    ReplyDelete
  37. A step stool on one side and a slide on the other....

    ReplyDelete
  38. Crocs are not the shoes of heroes. I discovered that in the desert sands.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Or... just move to live in the Ukranian village...

    There is usually more than one answer

    ReplyDelete
  40. Some plans sound good in theory. It is in the execution of the plan that serious flaws are often found.
    I think I would remove enough of those million year old field stone in the wall & put a gate in. If the stone wall is falling apart as much as you've said in the past, it should be pretty easy to take out a meter length of wall, take a masonry bit and drill in the hinges & voila, a gate to the Ukranian Village. Best part is no climbing for those who fear heights & ladders.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I would break my back. Again.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete

I love all comments Except abusive ones from arseholes