Saturday, 9 November 2013

Chris Does The Bus

What a lightweight... Three large glasses of white and I was fast asleep of the last train home last night......how sad is that?
Anyway we left the old Berlingo by the station, and so had to get the bus this morning down to town to collect it.
On a Saturday there is only one bus from the village
Now, you have to remember that Chris does not "do" public buses
The very thought turns him into a very passable imitation of Maggie Smith's Dowager from Downton Abbey, and so it was with somewhat of a devilish heart that I made him walk with me to the bus stop in the centre of the village.
In "Chris world" a bus ride could be a gentle, quiet and private experience. The reality of the situation was somewhat different when a largish gaggle of local grey hairs ambled noisily from the pensioner bungalows to join us in the bus shelter.
Now I know most of these characters , where as chris does not, and I could hear Chris mutter under his breath when local larger-than-life " gay" Gordon bellowed his usual "HELLO FLOWER,"as he limped across the road with his neighbour ( an elderly lady with a walker) in tow.
"MORNING MY DARLING!" Gordon sang out when another neighbour , Rowena,  passed the bus stop on her way home." FLUTTERING YOUR EYELASHES AT ME FLOWER YOU NAUGHTY THING" he flirted away as Rowena gave him one of those " get away with you" waves.
He then turned his attention to me and asked me in his theatrical way how all the animals were doing
as more  ladies from the pensioner bungalows arrived to join in the chat. Gordon sang out a lusty
" DO YOU KILL YOUR OWN COCKERELS JOHN?"
Chris tried to disappear into the background as I answered him.
It was getting all a bit much for him
" I USED TO GUT AND PREPARE HENS AT A FARM IN SARN" Gordon continued to explain to the small crowd
" I USED TO DRAPE THEIR GUTS AROUND MY NECK AND CHASE THE LOCAL CHILDREN" he added colourfully
Chris groaned to himself and said " how lovely"
It was all hugely entertaining.
And there was another ten minutes of all this before the bus arrived.

Half an hour later we had reached Prestatyn and jumped off the bus into the the sun
Chris didn't say much, but his face was a picture

" never again" he said simply

42 comments:

  1. Huh...sounds like fun to me. Chris is a bit of a 'stick-in-the-mud' isn't he?

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  2. I had to travel by bus in the UK two years ago...no amount of gin or hand sanitizer made me feel better. I'm with Chris.
    Jane x

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    1. Lol.......at least you know where chris was coming from

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    2. We have a lovely bus that goes from Nelson all the way to Manchester, the X43 Witch Way (Pendle connection - witches). It's marvellous, has leather seats and you can avoid eye contact to your hearts content.

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  3. I'm with Chris on that one.

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  4. Chris sounds like my mother-in-law (in fact like The FW's whole family). It pains me that they have bus passes and had free train travel too as FiL was a train driver, and yet never ever use them. Too good for public travel it seems. By the time my retirement age comes around (ahem 51), the free bus travel will be gone (I love public transport me). bugger.
    x

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  5. Welcome to John's world. Sorry he didn't enjoy it more.

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    1. I thought it was all rather jolly

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  6. I'd have joined in the banter with husband looking strained wishing he was on a boat somewhere... anywhere !

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    1. On a boat with chris probably

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    2. And my Gaz! xx

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  7. What a horrible man! Glad I wasn't there. By the way, I thought you Brits called walkers Zimmer frames. I took pride in knowing that little fact, now I learn it's wrong? What's up?

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    1. He's rather sweet once you get past the shouting

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  8. Wow you have a bus service in your village!!! I'm green with envy

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  9. It sounds like Jasper Carrott's 'Nutter On The Bus' sketch. Yeah it's on You Tube.

    But seriously folks. I really hate having no public transport here in rural Ireland. Cars cut people off socially and people suffer from rural isolation without public transport. That's why the countryside is full of empty holiday homes and weekend homes. People have to go to the big towns and cities to find work and have decent infrastructure.

    You always entertain and make us think John.

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  10. I would have paid to see that!!!

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  11. Gordon sounds like he could do stand up comedy. Maybe not funny at the time, but in the telling and in retrospect, pretty funny.

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    1. He could.......larger than life.....I have featured him before in going gently

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  12. I can picture the prim pucker now! Good thing he loves you.

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  13. It really shpuld be a sitcom John - write it! xx

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  14. This is hilarious! I agree with DIane - write a sitcom!

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  15. what great bus waiting entertainment!

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  16. Some people genuinely get symptoms of shock if they are unused to public transport and use it, especially if it is crowded or noisy.

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  17. did you have some one on there that smelt of wee? They normally sit next to me.

    I use the bus everyday. tip 1, touch as little as possible. 2,ping the bell. Stand and try and shuffle off as quickly as possible. else you will be behind someone who doesn't move quickly enough and they start to drive off again. do not touch your face ever 3, get off and sanitise your hands. 4, avoid pension day if you can. 5, always have the exact amount. 6, queue properly. people are becoming very vocal about people who jump the line. Not only here but I also saw this in Liverpool. along the lines of "We queue in this country, the end is back there" (Ive put that nicely, the word used need lots of "$%^*^%£::@@)

    it can be quite stressful and would for sure put you off your scotch egg.

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    1. Ah, forgot about the exact change bit. The other week when I was waiting for the X43 I realised I only had a big note. A young lady arrived just before the bus and politely waited for me to get on, however, I noticed she had change in her hand so I let her get on before me. The Polish bus drivers tell you off if you don't have the right change,but I knew he would be able to give me change from her fare!

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  18. Poor Chris, he still hasn't come to terms with the rough and tumble of village life. Mind you, never having lived in a village, I would probably be much the same.

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  19. I would love to have been at that bus stop - and on the bus. Thank you for the peek.

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  20. That's absolutely hilarious. I don't "do" buses, either. I can be Lady Mary to Chris's Dowager Countess.

    Love,
    Janie

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  21. I don't watch Downton Abbey, I get quite enough of the same at work! Dear, dear what a cossetted lot we are - public transport's almost a dirty word on here - personally, I think we're lucky to have it and it's certainly lucky that your pensioners can get out of their lovely little bungalows and got hither and thither for free whenever the fancy takes them. I can't wait to get my free bus pass, if it's still on the go by then, my Senior Citizen's Railcard, my 25% discount at Specsavers......and....and....and!
    ps not all UK buses require a tetanus shot before boarding.

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  22. No, just sanitiser gel and a hearing aid switched to deaf!

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  23. John, you have started desensitizing Chris to the real world ~ don't stop now. I am sure your readers will enjoy some more instalments. love to Chris x

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  24. I'm somewhat in sympathy with Chris; it's a totally different world on a bus.

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  25. Ah, John. Way to go. ;-)
    Have a wonderful Sunday!

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  26. Quite possibly my favourite GG post ever ......Chris is simply brilliant !

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  27. Though he is an egghead academic, it sounds as if Chris needs to attend evening classes: "An introduction to psycho-social relations in rural Welsh communities". There would be practical field work and projects to undertake, including getting pissed up in the local pub and standing on the bar to sing "Men of Harlech" to assembled villagers.

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  28. I can just see Chris doing a good imitation of Maggie Smith in Downtown Abbey, pursed mouth and all when Gordon describes how he scared the local children with fowl innards around his neck! This was one of your best posts, John!

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  29. Would love to have been a mouse.....and have seen it all! Poor Chris.

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  30. wonder if these are any good

    http://www.dirtykitchensecrets.com/falafel-scotch-eggs-with-ginger-and-verjuice-tahini/

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  31. Poor Chris, but it sounds rather funny to me. What a character! It only takes two glasses of wine for me nowadays. Sadness!

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  32. We watched with glee from our bedroom window (eye on the world!) as you were joined by Gordon et al and Chris left you to it and quietly retreated around the side of the bus shelter........

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    1. Thanks val........this made me titter

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  33. Guts around his neck? To scare local children? What a bus ride; glad you two shared the experience.

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