Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Dirty Little Buggers


Hold your duckling in a vice like grip at all times..it minimises shit splatters

 When it comes to dirty hands Chris and I couldn't be more different. He has perfectly manicured hands that would be the envy of any tv chef (poor darling Nigella) whilst my stubby, nail bitten pigs trotters are invariably covered in one bodily secretion or another that stinks to high heaven.
Now before this little snippet of information has everyone running to the phone to report me to our local nhs infection control sister, I have to say that at work my hands are scrubbed within an inch of their stubby little lives......at home.......however the reality is somewhat different.
Last night, I went to the community Council Meeting, so Chris had been asked to put the ducks and the geese to bed. A job he does under a tiny bit of sufferance. I returned home just as he was finishing the job and out of devilment I passed him the two ducklings, asking him to return them to the shed for the night.

Now ducklings may look fluffy, sweet and totally adorable
But in real life  they are hysterical, squirming shit bundles from hell.
To control them safely, you have to hold them very firmly indeed with their arses pointed away from any decent clothing. Their feet ( which they always seem to poo on) are constanly in motion, so moving them can be a somewhat messy and smelly operation.

I know it was a little naughty of me, but I told Chris non of this before I handed the little shit magnets over to him last night.......tee hee


58 comments:

  1. Naughty John you do make me smile

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  2. "hysterical, squirming shit bundles from hell" - Another award-winning description.

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    1. That was my favorite part of the story too. A close 2nd was the "shit magnets" statement. Good grief you have a way with words John.

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    2. I say what I see!

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  3. Not naughty, I would say almost cruel of you :-)

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    1. Oh that's a bit harsh Kk

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  4. Awwww they may be "hysterical, squirming shit bundles from hell" but they are really really cute :-)

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  5. Does he get you back? And if so, how?

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    1. An increased number of moaning me thinks

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  6. such a great start to the day reading your blogg ! :) my lovely friend Jo at hesta nesta recomended it to me , so I am now an addict. thank you ! xxxx

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    1. Deborah darling...you have a fantastic name

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  7. p.s.
    I just noticed your doglets , which I will have to make,I particularly like smiling terriers ! xxx

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    1. They are a happy bunch debs

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  8. And always hold TOADS at arms length; they seem to have directional backsides!

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  9. Naughty naughty boy. :)

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  10. My tortoise does the same, he can squirt at 50 paces so always best held in someone elses direction!
    Jo xx

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    1. I want an action photo jo!

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  11. Hah! I'd had suspicions about your true nature. Trust you're proud of yourself, you monster! To teach you a lesson I'd now like to see a couple of these little balls of fun sitting on your face. SITTING, I said! ;-)

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    1. Well I can't be all sweetness and lights
      All the time ray

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    2. Nonsense, J.G. I'm sure the sun follows you around. At least that's what I want to think.

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  12. There's nothing wrong with getting dirty every once in awhile!

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  13. So not piano playing fingers then?

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  14. Wicked man. My hands are permanently blue from antibiotic spray at the moment. Not a great look for a medical appointment for my son later today.

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  15. you are the devil! no package yet? i'll give it 2 weeks and then put a search for it!

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  16. They are just beautiful.

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  17. So where is the AFTER photo?

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  18. damn, but they are getting too big to handle!

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  19. Assume Chris gave you a bit of a Charles Saatchi for your little jape...

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  20. Who'll be responsible for the ensuing laundry ?
    Jane x

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  21. You cheeky monkey ;-)

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  22. "hysterical, squirming shit bundles from hell"
    That's exactly what I think about babies. (Maternal? Me? Not a hope!)
    What happens when you mention cherry sauce?

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  23. Once in a while it is fun to give someone we love - a little taste of our reality. :-)

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  24. Where do I get this feeling that you tease Chris at every opportunity? And yes, does he manage to get you back?

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    1. It's my sense of humour

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  25. Oh you know you love those little shit bundles!!
    This morning I was digging dirt out from under my fingernails with. business card. I figured I should pretty myself up for today's trip to the big city of Montreal!

    Gordon has hands like Chris'. :)

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  26. I think it would be very interesting if, one day while you're away, you would allow Chris to be your guest blogger. Oh, what tales he could tell!!!

    Nancy in Iowa

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    1. You would not believe any of itX

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  27. Nancy, I was just thinking the same thing! Oh to see ourselves as others see us, may be not in my case as I have the feeling I'm a grumpy old woman most of the time.

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  28. Naughty and funny with just a bit down home everyday reality.

    cheers, parsnip

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  29. I would sleep with one eye open, if I were you ... :)

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  30. You have probably put him off roast duck for ever.

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  31. I shouldn't be laughing, but i am. Poor Chris, or has he come to expect this sort of behaviour from you now and again?

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  32. John, I have been addicted to your daily ramblings for ages but have been frustratingly unable to comment despite several attempts. As a fellow blogger I really appreciate the honest style ad wicked sense of humour - you are a bit of a hero of mine, I must confess! Thank you, thank you. Keep doing it. You are my daily inspiration ( or snip ration as predictive bloody text would have it!) :-)

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  33. Luffy or is it Moogan?
    Lovely to have you aboard xx

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  34. You made me laugh so hard that Franklin (the dog) wants me to read your post to him. I didn't know that about ducks.

    Love,
    Janie

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  35. Hahaha ''shit magnets'' love it lol. Your descriptive prose John has me in fits.

    Poor Chris, but I suspect he knew what he was letting himself in for when you coupled up! You don't get together with a nurse (of any description) without knowing their penchant for looking after all things bright and beautiful now do you?

    Jo in NZ

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  36. Shame on you. Duck shit is particularly smelly too, is it not?

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  37. Oh my. Haha!
    Have a good Wednesday if you can, John. Paybacks... ;-)

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  38. Those "shit magnets" should have their own blog hop. I do love your um fowl postings. What the duck!

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  39. Always good for a laugh, this one.

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  40. What a little demon you are.

    Janet

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  41. Bloody birds and crap - I got dumped on by a magpie yesterday. Was not impressed. At least it gave me something to blog about though!!

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  42. you're a devil, you are John!!! Hope you're OK there Chris!!!

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  43. Haha, poor Chris. Nigella's husband needs his ass kicked.

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    Replies
    1. Or his neck squeezed
      Hello Eric how are you?

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