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| Meg planning to place her next bowel movement |
Now I have decided not to use my knackered and fading carpet cleaner and opted this morning for one of those industrial strength jobbies that like the proverbial popular prostitute could probably suck an orange through a garden hose.
Three dogs, one cat and a pure academic all mean just one thing in one tiny cottage, and it is..a grubby and foul smelling carpet..and so...once in a blue moon, I have to bring in the big guns
Now....Have you ever tried to rent a carpet cleaner nowadays?
It is not as easy as you think.
First of all you need ID
And not just a selection of credit cards , a nurse security pass or blockbuster video card I can tell you!
No... I had to produce my driving licence AND in lieu of something else with my address on it... MY PASSPORT!
YES my passport! So I schlepped all the way home, picked up my passport and schlepped all the way back to the thin lipped lady behind the counter.
'Right' she said after detailing my certificates ' you need to leave a 25 £ deposit'
I gave her my debit card
'cash' she sighed
I was beginning to get just a little fraught
'I have no cash..I'm like the Queen' I said helplessly
Thin lips pointed to a supermarket a few hundred yards away and didn't break a smile
' They have a cash point'
And so off I went to get the money ( and a secret scotch egg)
When I returned there was MORE form filling to do
I had to buy their own brand of cleaning fluid ( of course) then I had to sign for this and that before thin lips asked me what my car registration was
' what the hell do you want my car registration number for?'
Yes I was ready to throttle her
But she was not going to be bullied by my Tom Stephenson tactics and said simply
' I don't make the rules'
feeling a little rebel-ish I made up a registration number, just to be a little anarchic
And finally the carpet cleaner was mine.....
The world's gone mad
We intend to rip out all the carpet and replace them with wood.The last time we cleaned our carpets it looked as though a tornado had ripped through our home.
ReplyDeleteJane x
Rent an industrial sander instead, they're much more fun!
ReplyDeleteI reckon she moonlights as a discipline mistress...
ReplyDeleteI think I know now where Mother Kathleen, my 8th grade teacher went after the parochial school closed.
ReplyDeleteYou should reserve all the 'sucked up goodness' from the carpets and make sure you return THAT to her ladyship along with the machine. *hmmmph*
ReplyDeletePretty much the same here John...only you HAVE to have a credit card, it's a $40 deposit and the thing weighs a ton. Last time we got it home, filled it up and it leaked all over the kitchen floor. Good times.
ReplyDeletePoor John. I think thin lips reads your blog under an assumed name (the sneaky bitch) and the police will soon be around to take both you and the monster machine (and likely your car too) into custody since, by your own admission, you have fraudulently obtained said machine. Please let us know how it goes and where to send bail money.
ReplyDeleteGood grief! I think I would have given up. I admire your restraint.
ReplyDeleteSorry, John, I have no sympathy with people who have carpets. The need for carpets (even in bathrooms, for heaven's sake) a peculiar affectation of these isles. May you wrestle with your carpet cleaner whilst I enjoy bare and polished floor boards.
ReplyDeleteU
At least the carpet catches the dog pee
DeleteCarpet cleaners are the latest device used in crystal meth labs. It's the same trouble as buying Sudafed in the USA. Drug Enforcement will soon be at your door to ensure you're not sniffing the cleaning fluid (It's TOTALLY awesome, dude).
ReplyDeleteLOL!
DeleteNutcase!
DeleteHaHa. I, too, would have invented the number of my car's license plate. In fact, I have.
ReplyDeleteThought this might cheer you up (if you have seen it already, just delete!)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VuCSGd4EZRk
If I could find him in my living room
DeleteThank u for that carol
Sigh
Sounds like you could have used some single malt to wash down that Scotch egg!
ReplyDeleteThe last time I rented one of those ginormous machines I didn't even have to tell them my name, let alone produce a passport! :)
How long do you have it for ? I could do with a go on that bad boy , carpet in the lounge needs a good spring clean !
ReplyDeleteSorry Jason....I had to take it back early this morning...... It was cheaper that way !
DeleteThe whole tale is funny but also a sad reflection on the public at large - hire companies have to treat us all like potential thieves because so many of us are.
ReplyDeleteWhat did she think you were going to do with it...invade Poland?
ReplyDeleteNow that comment I liked
DeleteMade me LOL! Good one!
DeleteWould almost be worth it to invest in a carpet cleaner of your own maybe gently pre owned...or rip the carpet up...maybe just an area rug? That rental hassle crap would get old with me very fast....and I would probably have been turned out...my age does not put up with much any more. Sorry you had to go thru it all.
ReplyDeleteLinda , my old carpet cleaner collapsed through over work
DeleteThe last time we rented one, we didn't get the third degree. I borrowed a friend's for the house here to go over all the carpets as the previous owners had dogs, and Himself is highly allergic to dogs.
ReplyDeleteThe carpeting here looked clean, but as you know, it's amazing what lies in the fibres.
Anyhow, buoyed by that experience, i decided to buy one myself for a number of reasons. If i used it 4 times, i broke even as far as price, and i had the luxury of not having to race through the entire house in one or two days,and also did not have to wrestle with trying to get it to fit in my car. The model i bought also has a handheld attachment, which is great for cushions and staircases.
Rather than have to see thin lips again, it might be time to consider buying a shiny, new machine and give the knackered one the old heave-ho.
E stuff that came out of our carpet looked like black tar!,,!
DeleteWow. People must have really tried to run off with industrial carpet cleaners! Hee hee.
ReplyDeleteI think that trip deserved more than one secret Scotch egg! xoxoxo
Don't bring me into it. She must read this blog and knows how many Richard the Thirds are smeared across your carpets.
ReplyDeleteTotal burn with that comment Tom. Nicely done.
DeleteI would buy a new one or hire a carpet cleaning company to do it! The passport for identification just floored me! I would probably have told her to kiss my burnt bum!
ReplyDeleteI trust the industrial cleaning fluid is going nowhere near the loo.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't sit on the carpet when you've done it either. At best you'll get a chill.
Buy your own - do you have an 'Original Factory Shop' near you? They're selling Vax Carpet Shampooers for 65 bucks and they're so easy to use and you can get the shampoo (you don't need to buy the special kind at a fiver a bottle, they do one for £1.25 which works a treat).There, that's my tip of the week. x
ReplyDeleteps (you can buy them online from the same place too if there isn't one near you)
John, I want my tickets for your 'one-man show'! You belong on the stage sir. So entertaining you are!
ReplyDeleteAt least you got a well deserved Scotch egg out of it. And, hopefully, returning that thing will be easier!
ReplyDeleteWould you not buy a Dyson ?
ReplyDeleteWe had a vax it collapsed
DeleteIt's easier to get an assault rifle in the US.
ReplyDeleteThat was my original point
DeleteDesperate times call for desperate measures. So, how did the carpet turn out? Did you return the carpet machine? Did you break it? Did you buy enough of the damn shampoo/cleaner?
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the comments
ReplyDeleteWe had a power cut here until late so not been online all evening
At least I could look at my clean carpets all night
Sorry about the power cut. Perhaps the carpet cleaning machine was the culprit. I've heard you now need a special license to operate a shampooer, at least in England, anyway.
ReplyDeleteTake care and I appreciated your comment on my post. Thank you, sir.
Gary
I hope after all of that drama the carpet turned out pristine clean. I have rented carpet cleaners here in the U.S. before, but never had to show my passport!
ReplyDeleteYup. They want to be able to find you if you don't bring it back.
ReplyDeleteHope the cleaning went well, John!
A perfect demonstration of the madness created by delusional, small minded people getting off on power fetishes. The up side is it makes the rest of us look totally sane and completely normal.
ReplyDeleteWe've got a carpet shampooed you are welcome to borrow next time (not industrial but does a good job), you don't need ID, and you can use whatever cleaning fluid you like!
ReplyDeleteThank you val... I may take you up on that! X
DeleteOur dark blue mottled rug hides a multitude of doggy evils but I think I need to follow your lead. Will be applying for a visa thanks to your advice.
ReplyDeleteOh, I do so wish you'd been able to shoot her a "Do you know who I am?" before turning on your heel and walking out with your nose in the air. I remember when scruffy gay farmers with an earthy turn of phrase used to mean something.
ReplyDeleteNot that Thinlips would have cared in the least if you left. And I suppose there's only one place in your area to rent one.
(Oh, and you'd of course toss a hand-knit, brightly colored scarf back over your shoulder just before reaching the door.)
That's a ridiculous state of affairs - how I hate 'jobsworths' - they're everywhere these days. Carpet cleaners can be rented from inside the supermarkets here - just a thought.
ReplyDeleteAlso may have been better to replace the carpet, if it's a small room you can get an offcut, I did my room of 10x12 for £39 with an offcut. I'm afraid I'm not a lover of hard wood floors, they're cold, unwelcoming and well - hard to sit on ! not cosy at all.
You need washable rugs - if you're still intersted in one pop over to my blog and leave a message.
I am surprised you made it to the end of that saga. I think you were committed after you had to go get your passport. Your carpets look great though..
ReplyDeleteThis is great post...really impressive offer regarding carpet cleaner..keep it up!!!
ReplyDelete