It's bloody well only 5 am -ish and I have just taken Chris up to the A55 to catch his lift to the airport,
I have waked the dogs, and am now wide awake at least two hours before dawn.
It is cold and very wet and I am lauging at myself.
The reason for such humour is testosterone,
For I have just suffered from a small bout of male "my dick is bigger than your dick!"
We parked at the service station waiting for Chris' colleague to turn up in her husband's four wheel drive.
They are lovely people,I know them both well, but both are really the mirror opposite of Chris and I , as they are complete healthy outdoor bods!
My buried male competition hormones started to surface when his huge, gleaming monster of the truck glided next to the crumpled side of the old berlingo ( right next to the passenger window that has been stuck in the slightly "down" position for 2 years!)
Hubby who is older than me and looks 30, bounded out of the vehicle in his lovely designer climbing gear and trendy boots. He has a 32 waist, teeth that Donny Osmond would kill for and two dogs in the truck that follow every command as if they had been trained by the police force.
In short he looks like a young Charlton Heston without the guns
In short he looks like a young Charlton Heston without the guns
I clambered out of the Berlingo (farting quietly as I did so)
I am 50 and look 60.
There is coffee splashed on the front of my hoodie and my woolly hat is inside out.
One trouser leg is somehow tucked into my socks .
I am wearing crocs.
and six months of dog snot is smeared all over the car windows behind me.
I look like Harvey Fierstein when he was in Independence Day
I look like Harvey Fierstein when he was in Independence Day
As he effortlessly lifted Chris' bags into the back of the monster van, he looked chipper and healthy and all "man"
I stood in a puddle looking all knackered, untidy and wrecked.
And as usual I resorted to humour when faced with unbeatable competition
"I am not being nice to you all" I said with a little wave and a sigh "I don't do mornings!"
and I let Chris get off to sunny Australia with a kiss
I'm sure on the inside he was wanting to trade his shiny monster for your down at heal one....well perhaps! That's put a smile on my face which is a challenge when it's still cold wet and dark
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to say that Chris will not find sunny Australia here at the moment. We are having unseasonably grey, windy, chilly and damp weather. Perhaps Melbourne will be kind to him. Perhaps not.
ReplyDeleteAhh, never mind. We love you, dog snot, crocs and all.
ReplyDeleteAnd HE was probably thinking how 'relaxed' and 'comfortable' you looked.
ReplyDeleteCro is right...it is what we imagine in our heads that defeats us sometimes, not the reality of a situation. Don't miss Chris too much...relish some me time...and look forward to his return.
ReplyDeleteMen like that do nothing for me... you on the other hand are my morning ray of Sunshine !
ReplyDeleteI bet he was wishing he was in your crocs.
ReplyDeleteLike all comments before, I also find [the image of] you more appealing, John. I LOVE animal-lovers and the fact that you have a heart of gold which beats for humans too. Often, a man keeping himself and his jammy (South Africa-speak for vehicle) in such tip-top shape, is a pain to other s and probably giving him ulcers that we don't know of. Chin up. You definitely cheer my day with every post. Bless you dear. From ole Aunt Jo, Tanzania
ReplyDeleteDon't worry,it happens to us girls too.Sawing a tree stump on the driveway,no makeup,old joggers and mismatched t shirt,the one day I didn't use the straighteners,old friend pulls up,immaculate hair etc saying 'you did say to pop in anytime' grrrrrr sh*t happens!
ReplyDeleteYep, know what you mean, I have three dear friends that I meet up with occasionally, all the same age, one looks like a skinny Madonna (the arms you know), one is well dressed, professional, gorgeous figure and the other is just plain gorgeous (tho has smoker's lines). Me, well, I am a little hobbit lady (slightly less hairy feet) and wear ill-fitting clothes from the old lady's shop (ie Bon Marche) covered in dog and cat hair. Guess who draws the eye when we are out and about? (No prizes, this is just for fun!)
ReplyDeleteSusan x
PS Have an afternoon snooze, then when someone turns up you will have drool on your chin to add to the look!
PPS I am sitting here in mis matched pyjamas, that's usually when the good-looking postman turns up! (the jimjams don't fit either snort)
In my experience, all perfect people are usually arseholes - if that's any consolation. You just cannot look that good and maintain it without something rotting in an attic elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteOh you do cheer me up in a morning. I have to agree with all the above comments. I can't be doing with high maintenance people in flash vehicles though for some bizarre reason the man in my life thinks I'd rather he was like that (bless him. I am trying to convince him it would be my idea of hell). I happily bomb around in my battered old Fiesta or occasionally the motorhome. Both have dog snot encrusted windows and that 'lived' in look. I realised a while ago that it's the eclectic look that gets you noticed around these parts - hence my charity shop chic, loud odd socks and hair that could be pink or purple or blonde on any given day or a mix of all 3. Being a good person and a saver of sheep, snails and wasps is preferable to expensive designer clothes and the latest chelsea tractor in my view :o)
ReplyDeleteWe all love you - but CROCS seriously! At least get some deck shoes or man sandals. I don't care how comfy they are! Just like Harry Potter - NOT FOR ADULTS!
ReplyDeletelittle tale about John for you....about two weeks ago, we had about 4 days of incessant rain and he was out and about dressed as an Alaskan Crab fisherman in the Berings straits.......he was waterproofed from head to er...well ankle.....because despite all his weather gear and obvious deep rooted awareness not to get his clothes wet in any way shape or form, he had ventured out in the same damn crocs !! he had socks on underneath as well !! what did ZZTOP say ? "Every girls crazy about a sharped dressed man..."....thats not John....he looks like a bag lady always carrying a small bag of dog poo !! - he is has become the Trelawnyd equivalent of the weird cat lady or that lady who sits on a bench in town feeding the disgusting street pigeons and letting them sit on her shoulders ! .....he will go down in history as one of the oddballs of Trelawnyd !!people will be blogging about him in about 50 years.....thats what makes him interesting !!
ReplyDeleteWhy not surprise Chris while he's away and have a Trinny and Susannah-type makeover. Beard off, eyebrows trimmed, hair coloured jet black. Grey Armani suit, shiny new brogues, a lilac open neck shirt and a chunky fake Rolex watch. You could also do with pumping some iron down at EveryBodyz gym in Rhyl.
ReplyDeleteYP's idea is all very well, but then you'd have to do something about the menagerie. Dog hairs and Armani suits don't go together!
ReplyDeleteWe would make the perfect pair in my back field in the mornings then..ha ! Me with my nightie and rubbers boots attached to a long leash with a hyena looking animal on the other end and you with your clothes askew and dog snot. However I thinking the Crocs might not hold up to the long wet hay?
ReplyDeleteMy eyes are leaking. Thanks John.
ReplyDeleteas long as your pants arn't!
DeleteI'm a woman slightly older than you John, I don't do mornings either, and as I've got older couldn't give a toss what people think. Usually I have dogs hairs stuck to my fleece, scruffy trainers and poo in hand. Don't ever change John we love you the way you are, you don't need to compete with anyone because you are the best.
ReplyDeleteMelbourne might be kind to him if he arrives on Sunday - before that he might need his winter woolies!
ReplyDeleteFriday evening here and at the moment its about 10c outside and p'''''sing it down. Cloudy damp days forecast - that is if the BOM have got it right - if not, well it could be anything. After all this is Melbourne and we are famed for four seasons in one day!!
Take care
Cathy
commenting via blogger
We don't remember the ordinary people John....those that stand out are the "characters". You'd be welcome in my home for coffee any morning with your socks-n-crocs and dog snotty shirt.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet his underroos were starched and he wore sock suspenders.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that leg of the trousers always gets tucked away under the sock, anyway. That happens to me a lot.
Ah, but we love you and your dog-snotty arse anyway!
ReplyDeleteYou are well dressed for wear we live.
ReplyDeleteJane x
Outsides are changeable. It is the inside that holds up in the long term.
ReplyDeleteCan't abide people who are so plastic perfect.....they don't look interesting at all.
ReplyDeleteThe more I read about you John, the more I like you.
ReplyDeleteI have a neighbour who gets on my pip, if I see him coming up the road, I hold my hand up and say I can't talk to you, I'm dying for a pee. That seems to work. Better to be up front I think LOL
I had to wipe my eyes before replying......oh, how I love your stories! Being married to a man that is 10 yrs younger than myself, I am very familiar with feeling like I should excuse myself and do some "fluffing" when I am out in my husband's social circles. I think to myself as I see those young girls in their incredibly uncomfortable shoes, "You are going to be soooo sorry in 10 years". We all transition to sensible shoes (or attire) at some point John. Still, I find myself lacking when faced with their perfect hair, clothes and sexy shoes. sigh. (chicken crap on the shoes, hair on every coat I own.........you get the idea) ;)
ReplyDeleteNo, you DON'T do mornings, and yet, there you were, with Chris all the same. Even when i try for a put together look, there always seems to be something out of place. Himself always looks put together. I think it's a gift, and clearly i queued up in the wrong space.
ReplyDeleteI have a pair of crocs as i was assured they're great on the boat. Um, perhaps, but i keep going for my pair of Keen sandals or a pair of trainers with really good grip. When it rains, i wear boots mostly. I think the crocs i have may have to move on to someone else's closet.
yes... but who's more prepared for the zombie invasion eh?
ReplyDeleteCan't help feeling that your jealousy about his car is a case of penis envy - such thoughts about cars with big bonnets is a well known fact (or so they tell me, I am far too innocent to know about such things having been brought up in a methodist household).
ReplyDeleteGiven a choice, I would choose the dog snot and crocs, and the fella with a huge heart, forgoing the other body part :)
ReplyDeleteI'm more at ease with down to earth people, who put their energy into taking car of others than themselves.
The "Compo" kind of soul.
~Jo
a loving all the comments especialy the ones that salute my "eclectic" dress sense
ReplyDeletethe hubby in question is a lovely guy, so I guess I was being a little unfair when I called him a young Charlton Heston
I do need to clean up! however
thanks again for your comments
John, I'm sitting here laughing. I'm wearing faded maroon corduroy pants, a fuscia tshirt, coral pink hoodie and best of all -- yep, crocs and socks! And my crocs are pink! Too many loud colors, ridiculous mismatched clothes all covered in pet hair... and I don't give a rip!
ReplyDeleteCarry on!
I absolutely love your description of your looks at that moment in time. Let me remind you that your blog sub-heading says folks don't think you're gay because you're too scruffy. So, wouldn't it be false advertising if you actually weren't scruffy? DO NOT BE FLUMMOXED by duded-up guys with a entirely different set of values than you have. You most definitely have got your head on straight!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'd take you over that perky, energized caffeine container any day. No, really. I would. Really...
ReplyDeleteYou wrote all that just to make us smile. You know it is what it is and the brief thirty seconds you might reform will be as noticable an extra pint of water over Niagara Falls.
ReplyDeleteCharacter is what matters here.....and John, you have that in 'spades'!!!
ReplyDeleteCharacter for sure but please off with
ReplyDeletethe crocs!!
Oh my gosh....first of all, look at how popular you are here in blogland! Secondly....I am a new reader, found you through Bugerlugs63 and I am thoroughly enjoying reading your daily posts! Today's made me laugh out loud. I needed that! Third....my opinion. Who needs perfection? It alienates people! You sound like someone I could sit down with and feel immediately comfortable. Warm, friendly, funny, with a good dose of dog slobber here and there. PS: I love Crocs too. :o)
ReplyDeletewelcome annette
Deletenice to have you aboard
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