Sunday, 17 June 2012

" and..WHAT Time do you call this???"

23.00 last night I was scouring the field borders with one of those solar garden lights in my hands searching for two lost runner ducks.
I could have done without it all, I am full of cold at the moment...a product of a wet, depressing week here in one of the wettest June's this side of the Pennines
For some strange reason two of the older girls have been flitting off to God-knows-where for God-knows-what and have been strangely absent for much of the day. Only after dark have they finally appeared anxious and appearing rather contrite at the front of the duck house, where I have found them quietly waiting for muggins here to use my opposable thumb skills to open the house door.
Last night it was going on 11.30 when the two appeared, a stupid time for a surly teenager to stagger home let alone two stupid ducks with brains the size of an average peanut.
The two girls were ripe for fox bait, and I told them so, but logic and anger is lost on ducks that spend most of their lives screaming and running around if you fart in the wrong direction, so I had to shut up and put them to bed with a kiss.
As I was giving the ducks a ticking off several surly teenagers walked up the lane for the cottage. It happens quite a bit as they tend to occasionally congregate at a "picnic area" in one of the sheep fields so that nefarious teenage activities can take place.
Seeing me standing in the field holding a solar light  up in my right hand, I heard one hiss to his friend
"Fuck.... it's the statue of liberty", which I thought was quite a witty statement to say after a probable 2 litres of cheap cider and a couple of large spliffs
I always thought that waiting up, late a night for the kids to come home from a fun filled night out, was something that would never-EVER happen to me.

I knew I would never experience that gut wrenching anxiety that parents have to go through when they think that paedophiles are hiding in every phone booth, just waiting to get their grubby little mitts on some teenager's knicker elastic but what is happening in reality?
I am finding myself,standing at the lounge window, chewing  my fingernails to the bone-willing 2 ducks that look like upright wine bottles to come home before curfew........what will I be saying next?...I ask myself
Will I catch myself yelling at Boris "You treat this place like a hotel!" when he drops his grain all over the floor of the turkey house or perhaps I will resort to the tried and tested " well if you don't like my rules you can get your own place!!!" when the geese nip another field visitor....
We all turn into our's only a matter of time

ps Bunty has flown the coop so to speak! She has left a small space on the cottage guttering and a load of shit on the tiles....I wish her well


  1. Love it, so funny.


  2. So true, John.

    Be it kids, ducks or dogs, we all worry just like the folks.

    Cussing out the kids - no matter the species - can always get a look from anyone listening.

  3. John, when raising derelict teens you must remember ...natural consequences...LOCK the door of the duck house at curfew time. If one comes back late and to lose a few feathers to a predator then so be it. Molly coddle those ducks and they will be living with you for decades.

  4. I'm surprised you havn't given them a key. And a little solar flashlight to hang around their necks to light the way home.

  5. Anonymous3:21 pm

    Safe travels Bunty.

  6. I've just grinned like the Cheshire Cat whilst reading your post.
    I've been the teenager, and sadly the duck, I'm grateful I had parents who were waiting in the wee hours of the morning to unlock the garden gate and shelter me from harm.
    Funny, I use those same solar lights to walk around outside when it's dark, and yes, Statue of Liberty comes to mind !
    Wonderful post John, as always.

  7. You are hilarious John the Dogs!
    We all need to care for someone/thing!

  8. Don't forget "do you think that's all I'm here for, to cook your dinner and clean up while you go galivanting?"

  9. Just relax, they have their own lives to live. Everything will turn out fine in the end.

  10. Anonymous5:02 pm

    been there done that! ;) by the way, well said!

  11. With a quack, quack here and a quack, quack there...


  12. Haha.
    Great post. :o)

  13. Glad to hear the Leo method still works.
    Jane x

  14. After a frustrating five minutes trying to get onto your blog John (something funny is going on in my computer) it is refreshing to read of the antics of two Indian Runners.
    And the antics of Welsh teenagers, who sound exactly like teenagers everywhere - and their comment was certainly very witty.

  15. Your ducks are probably just making the most of the wonderful summer weather.

  16. Happy Father's Day?

    I remember when I was a teenager and my parents would always wait up. It made me feel good and when they got angry I knew they cared.

  17. Let's hope they don't retort with 'We didn't ASK to be hatched!'.

  18. Haha! Lovely post. You do tell some marvellous stories, John. I hope your cold clears up soon and you get some sunshine.

  19. Great post John, don't you just hate it when those darn teenage Ducks go out gallivanting. Glad to here that you were worried, some people wouldn't care.

  20. Thanks for the laugh, John. And great idea, I shall be using my solar lights another way now.

  21. So funny, another great post. Thanks I needed that.

    Hope you feel better soon. One could say a 'summer cold' but then you haven't really had a summer yet have you?

  22. Who knew that poultry could become ones proxy children? Excellent post!

  23. I worry when the cats want to stay out all night. Phoebe is pretty much indoor only these days, and Grace usually was content to come inside at night, but every so often both she and Jo would refuse to come in.

    I noticed that when the bear came to visit, it was a GORGEOUS day, but Jo stayed in until just after 4 pm. I'm guessing the bear spooked her a bit. She's put up no fuss with coming in around 9 pm.

    Glad to hear Bunty is on her way.


  24. You made me laugh, John. Thank you.

  25. Haven't heard the term 'muggins' since my mother used it on me lo those many years ago. Great post!

  26. well... they are RUNNER Ducks !

    Love the line the teen said when he spied you through bloodshot eyes.

    We have a music festival in our village in July. Over the years we have morphed from guarding our young children close by us to nodding as they mooch off. The teenagers tend to congregate on the beach & one year I realised that Joe was down there too so I rang Jess & she told me, " it's OK Joe's with me "
    Husband & I walked home & I realised that at some point my daughter had become the parent !

  27. Have you grounded them now?

  28. NB
    WE've had "words"

  29. "It's my way or the highway!"
    "While you live under MY roof you live by MY rules"
    "You can leave as many lights on as you like when you are paying the bills"
    "Who stubbed this funny looking cigarette out in the aspidistra?"

  30. Good heavens. Ducks really do look like upright wine bottles.

  31. LOL i need a laugh, and I can always count on you John...

    wait, that didnt sound like what I meant to say...really...

    "statue of liberty", upright wine bottle ducks...


  32. Excellent post and yes, we do turn into our parents. I hear the voice of my dead mother talking to the dogs, cats, chickens and ducks (and occasionally husband, oh dear!) more often than I care to think about!

  33. Anonymous7:41 am

    In my teens I was often at my wittiest when three sheets to the wind. (Or so I thought anyway.)
    I know you were writing the whole post tongue-in-cheek (and doing it quite well I might add) but I actually thought it was pretty insightful...that it's not our children that turn us into our parents, it's our own nurturing instincts that do it whenever we let ourselves care about anything vulnerable to us.
    I love that actually.


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