Tuesday, 13 December 2011

A Rat Under The Sofa

It is 5.45.am
I have been awake since 4.55am
As you know, I just DON'T DO mornings..
and I am not a happy Bunny.

Chris woke me up with a somewhat worried "Something is squeaking under the sofa"
He was up early as he is due to work in London this week, but even so.......informing me of a half dead mouse at that time was just NOT ON.
Of course I could not sleep.
I could hear William and Albert scuttling around the lounge after the poor animal, so I thought "fuck it" and after getting dressed waded knee deep into the melee
Chris was standing there holding my wind up torch in his dressing gown .
He looked worried. 
"There's a rat under the draft excluder" he said lamely.
Chris doesn't DO rodents!
"Get me the rolling pin" I ordered....taking charge of the situation and I rolled my sleeves up ready for a bit of a tussle.
Chris returned with a large pepper grinder
Typical academic
I huffed, found the rolling pin, and after removing the excluder, gave the small rat a couple of hefty whacks
He was bloody invincible!
Chased by William and a somewhat joyous Albert ( who was thoroughly enjoying himself) the rat made a dash for the bookcase. then dived behind the radiator before squeezing himself under the writing desk....
By this time I had just about had enough.... the room resembled Dresden after the bombing ,and my first cup of coffee of the day seemed a real age away...so  swearing like an old docker, I marched into the kitchen, donned one of Chris' old moterbike gloves, marched back to the lounge ( still swearing) and after pulling away the frantic animals reached down and grabbed the struggling rat by the throat.
He knew the game was up
Shaking with early morning anger... I strode to the back door, took a deep breath and threw the rat across the lane and against the Church wall, killing him instantly...

Message to all rodents... don't mess with Mr Gray before he has had his morning coffee

59 comments:

  1. Oh my! I can just picture the ruckus of the dogs before you entered the fray!

    Hope you did not get bit in the rat fight!

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  2. I know the feeling mine is usually a scorpion and my tool of choice is the iron. I really dont like ironing nearly as much as I dont like scorpions.

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  3. Did you have to give us that lovely ratty photo then tell us that story?

    Yes, I know it's different. Pet rats are one thing - loose wild rats in the house are quite another. But look at that cute little face!

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  4. Last time I tried anything like that I succeeded in hitting an over-enthusiastic Jack Russell on the head, missing the rat completely. Said little doggie survived the blow though gave me a wide berth for the rest of the week.

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  5. I once had a fight with an opossum...did not go well for either of us, and traumatized an entire block of onlookers.

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  6. They're bad enough outside; but INSIDE?

    The last creature I had to evict was a large green lizard... It took about an hour!

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  8. Ugh!! I'm with Chris on this one!! xx

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  9. Terminator!!!!

    I have one under the greenhouse this year, making a nice little home for itself and eating hazlenuts and acorns (and possibly my chicken feed).

    Please bring your rolling pin and motorcycle glove Arnie...

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  10. Your intruder wouldn't have passed go with my three ratters in the house. Glad you solved the problem and managed a cup of coffee afterwards. (I hope!) Jo

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  11. I'm always a bit ratty first thing in the morning!

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  12. Regular Bruce Willis, arn't you? LOL!

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  14. yippeekiayyyyy!!! moverfuckers!!

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  15. How could you kill a rat, any rat? That may have been the UK's next Prime Minister or Home Secretary...

    If we're plunged into political chaos then I shall know who to blame.

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  16. lol Owl...at that time of the morning I could kill an elephant regardless of political affilation......

    eric: do tell more

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  17. The poor thing was probably only trying to find a home this Christmas and heard that you were kind to animals. I told you about the company that sent me 2 fen-traps (like rat-traps, but about 10 times more powerful) without instructions? As I was fumbling around with one, it went off, trapping my fingers. They sent them set to save space...

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  18. Ah well, at least it wasn't a spider. You aren't going to be using that rolling pin for pastry, are you?

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  19. A rolling pin? Really? I guess it will add a je ne sais quoi to the Christmas pastry.

    I've got the mouse man coming round today. After two months of DIY rodent-be-gone and Elsie barking madly at the shed (yes, the neighbours complained) I've given up and called in the professionals.

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  20. Would you believe that I've never seen a rat--At least not the 4 legged kind. I guess now I will see one and I should probably find rolling pin--Thankfully I have two! :-)

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  21. You must have missed the long conversation about yelling at rodents. I'm not kidding, if you shout really loudly at them, they leave. Ask V. She once went to our mother's house and yelled a rat into a bucket.

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  22. Well done John. We had a rat under the patio in the last house dispatched by clouting in on the head with a hefty spade. They are tough bu**** and quite dislikeable.

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  23. I had to laugh at Chris bringing you the pepper grinder.
    Glad you got rid of the beastie. I don't like them in any size!

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  24. Oh good lord! Just how far away is that Church wall??? The Chicago Cubs are looking for a new pitcher . . .

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  25. Oh John. I have always pictured you as such a gentle soul. I thought you might put the rat in a cage and nurse it back to health. Now the question is; was it male or female and is there a chance of a small nest with wee ones in it somewhere in the house, like for instance, the stuffing of the sofa?

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  26. That's it! I'm calling the Humane Society!!!

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  27. John, my cats salute you!
    Jane x

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  28. These effete academics. They see one little rat and they're fleeing back to their intellectual tomes. Well, not quite. If Jenny saw a rat she'd mash it into oblivion in seconds. With one of the aforesaid tomes, probably.

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  29. These effete academics. They see one little rat and they're fleeing back to their intellectual tomes. Well, not quite. If Jenny saw a rat she'd mash it into oblivion in seconds. With one of the aforesaid tomes, probably.

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  30. Did he want it to sneeze itself to death?

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  31. LOL!! We had the whirling dervish dance last week when we tried to evict a field vole which decided to flee into the house to escape the cats by shooting under the front door gap!! Eventually it went out..... later and of it's own volition.
    Score: 2 humans: 0, field vole: 1

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  32. A rat? Hah! How about having to extricate a yearling deer from your basement one snowy night when you're scheduled to catch a flight early the next morning and you're not in a particularly good mood to start with?

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  33. well done John ! bloody hate rats and if there is one less in the world today then the world is a better place .....John Gray- oscar schindler to turkeys.....john rambo to rats.....

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  34. John the Dogs, you are also John the Brave, in my book. I'm with Chris on the not doing rodents thing, although i know the difference between a rolling pin and pepper grinder.

    My two remaining cats would be overjoyed at cornering then killing a rodent in the house. And, they have. It takes all my strength to remove the carcases, although once i toss them outside over the fence, i'm grateful to the crows who come by and eat them.

    I hope other rodents have gotten the message that they are NOT welcomed into your home, at least not until after you've had some coffee.

    Was this the same rat who was under the shed? If not, i hope he realises his days are numbered, too.

    megan

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  35. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

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  36. And against a church wall too - now is that in the spirit of Christmas I ask.

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  37. Wait, those dogs are terriers, aren't they.The ones who do the rats. It was team effort at my house. Fiona flushed, Angus dispatched. Fiona would have loved both jobs, but she also understood which had been delegated to her.

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  38. joanne.. two of the terriers were asleep in bed! william, has killed rats before.... I dont know just why he was so girly today!

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  39. Well, crap. 'Tis the season. You coulda gently put his little butt out the door and sang a rousing rendition of "Born Free." Never mind. You hadn't had your coffee yet. Okay, so you coulda sung a puny rendition ...

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  40. I don't have a church wall handy. Will my neighbour,s house wall do the same job?

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  41. I hate rats. You were very manly killing it though! xxxxx

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  42. My cats will dispatch a mouse, but look the other way when there's a rat in the house. Best ratter I ever had was a Yorkshire Terrier. He couldn't kill them, but he'd flush them out, the Queensland Heeler would grab them and head right for the back door, push it open, and dispatch them on the lawn. What a pair they were, Mikey and Gertie. Now we have no dogs. I just put out poison. If a sneaky raccoon finds it instead, more the better.

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  43. doris
    I would reccomend a church wall.. they are thicker!

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  44. I must say your mornings are certainly more exciting than mine. Even if you don't want them to be.

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  45. arch
    this happens on a regular basis! Albert despite his size brings in allsorts

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  46. LOL! Now please tell us that you DIDN'T make pies this afternoon!

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  47. jim
    albert HAS WALKED ACROSS PASTRY before I cooked it once,,, but not today

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  48. I am confused, I see the adorable picture of the mouse and you tell about a rat... Was it indeed a rat or like so many folks I know, do you call a mouse a rat and a rat a rat?

    Not a fun way to start the day, no matter what it was!

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  49. Hi John
    How are you fixed for killing the bloody rats that keep nicking nuts out of our bird feeders ? I reckon they could be in team GB !
    It was funny to read , lol
    Jane

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  50. jane
    I read what you said about your job... OMG keep me posted good luck xxx

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  51. You could start a side business as a hands-on rat exterminator.

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  52. you would be oh so right ! x

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  53. The pepper grinder! Ha!

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  54. So, if the rat had gotten lost in your home after you had your coffee, you might have saved it and given it a home?

    My cats' job is to point out any invading creepy crawly or field mouse. They haven't quite come to terms with my job to remove the critter from the home and they pout at the loss of their plaything.

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  55. Wow! Most exciting :)

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  56. Funny story- made me laugh

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  57. Well, at least it was a consecrated wall I guess...

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  58. John -

    I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard! I remember an event from years ago... our 2 jack russell terriers were about 6 and 9 months old. It was Good Friday, and I had run to the corner store for something, leaving my 6 yr old for a few minutes (neighbor was home, and Michael often spent a few minutes alone after school) I am in the checkout, and my phone rings, and it is Michael. He is hysterical crying, and I finally suss out that the terriers had caught a rabbit, brought it into the house, and were gleefully tearing it to shreds and eating it on the living room sofa! The horror might have faded into the obscurity of time, except for the fact that 2 days later, I forgot to wake up and hide the Easter candy. My son comes into the bedroom at 5 a.m. jumping on the bed, demanding to know why the Easter Bunny hadn't come. In my not-a-morning-person, exhausted, caffeine-deprived state I snapped, "He didn't come because the dogs ATE HIM 2 days ago!" Bad, bad, bad Mom. Katie in MN

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