This is part of an email I received yesterday from Nige who is visiting us today
"Your house better had be fucking clean and tidy when I arrive. Make a list.
I want freshly pressed sheets, flowers (seasonal varieties) on the
kitchen table, etc.
No specially folded towels, loo role or shit like that, as that's a
little common, to be honest.
And please, no fucking rodents/birds/insects in cutlery draw etc.
Organic is so démodé.
Yes, it's all about STANDARDS darling.
Nx"
The "rodent" reference eludes to a time when on a previous visit, Nigel
insisted on cooking dinner ( in an attempt to make sure all work surfaces had
not been walked across by Albert's shitty paws
As he was searching for a wooden spoon in the utensil pot
he found a small mummified sparrow which had been thoughtfully dropped there!
Love it. Two stories to add - I read in the paper yesterday how someone had found a dead sparrow in a bag of Tesco'c salad.
ReplyDeleteSome years ago we had a friend and he invited us round for coffee. He had a pet rat called Heseltine and he lived in the knife drawer. Obviously you friend Nigel would not be visiting there. Enjoy his visit. Hope Mabel likes him
Ah such standards. Nigel had better not come to my house. The cats regularly update our supply of dead creatures, who always manage to die in secret corners where we find them well after the event.
ReplyDeleteI hope you put him up in the chicken coop.
ReplyDeleteAnd how did he cook the Sparrow?
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I would want to find a sparrow (or something) to put in his sheets...
ReplyDelete:-)
@Tom: I'd probably enjoy that :-o
ReplyDeleteI hope my unique rhetorical style is not to offensive for the more delicate reader. John may present himself as the darling of 1950's Englishness, but his everyday language is far more colourful, I can assure you. Me? I simply communicate with John using the words I know he can understand.
PS: Their house is normally VERY tidy when I visit, towels are not inexplicably rolled, and I've only ever once found a dead animal in their kitchen.
Nx
I fold my towels to put them away Nigel. I have to admit they sometimes buzz with trapped wildlife when I am taking them off the line. You two have effing fun.
ReplyDeleteI wont tell you about the time Albert walked all over some pastry
ReplyDelete( I still fucking well cooked it too!!!)
With 5 cats in our house the whole place has a slightly misty look about it due to the fur layer on everything.
ReplyDeleteI do sometimes wonder if my tickly cough may be due to a fur ball. lol
Briony
x
I would not have expected anything less of Trelawnyd animal refuge.
ReplyDeleteWe used to have a cat that would drag fully grown LIVE rabbits in through her cat door and then let them go. More fun to torment that way.
ReplyDeleteShe grumbled when we took to locking her out!
what is the world coming to when a mumified sparrow in your kitchen is deemed to be something rank ?.....i welcome dead anythings in anyones kitchen....in fact i would be offended if they didnt offer me such a delight upon arrival and would probably leave rather quickly should it not be there for me....
ReplyDeleteA house guest of ours once found a very old pile of cat sick under the chair in the spare room....the really embarrassing part is that the cat had died months before.
ReplyDeleteJohn, we've all come to know you take in damaged and distressed animals. Is Nigel one of those?
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the stories [and photos] that are sure to come.
Nige sounds like a very cultured gentleman who will be a delight to have around. No doubt he will volunteer to help with the poultry and take Mabel for country walks as he whistles a happy tune. I wonder what sort of gift he will bring you? Perhaps one of those crocheted toilet roll covers that every home needs.
ReplyDeleteMmmm, mummified sparrow! That just gives everything that special flavor!
ReplyDeleteHa ha. the words "Just" and Cummuppance" spring to mind....in a humorous way!
ReplyDelete@Daze - I've been called a lot of things in my time, but never a distressed animal
ReplyDelete@Pud - I'm more polite in public than a private e-mail might otherwise suggest.
Nx
Hahaha!!!!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear about this visit!
Used to have dead birds in our furnace...a cat who brought dead mice to the front door...but nothing nearly as exciting as a dead bird in the kitchen utensil container!
ReplyDeleteGuess you are in for a good time! (Bless Albert!)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Trelawnyd must have a hotel... one without dead sparrows. You might want to tuck a loose sock or skivvies under his pillow.
ReplyDeleteWell alrighty then, let the visit begin :O).
ReplyDeleteHe sure sounds fun!
ReplyDeleteReminded me of the time a vole crawled under a small rug in our remote downstairs family room & died only to be found quite some time later while vacuuming- I always wondered why the dogs were utterly magnetized by that rug....surprise!!!!
Many great comments especially the dead sparrow in the bag of lettuce!! Oh my!!
Oh come on guys....please leave some dead, preferably half chewed,creature where delicate N can happen upon it!
ReplyDeleteJane x
PS I'm vegan, so only a creature that died of natural causes after lving a happy life will do!!!
don't believe him everyone... he has a vicious sadistic streak!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your visit!
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Albert will find something delightful to share with Nige, much the same way he does with your MIL, John.
megan
I'd make him up a bed in the shed.
ReplyDeleteCheeky tyke!
Yes, the HEAD of the sparrow, blood everywhere in his bed all GODfather like. Yes indeed
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a fun visitor. I'd steam his sheets, and while they are still wet, make his bed.
ReplyDeleteYour house sounds awesome. :D
ReplyDeleteI have a sneeky feeling that Nigel is an easy-going, muck-in type of fella, and doesn't mind Albert's kills laying around the cottage whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteJohn,you swear like a drunken sailor on shore leave ?
Who'd a thunk it ;)
~Jo
My brother did this to me one time and I purposely put a dead spider in his bed. He hates spiders.. Maybe you should take your pig and put it in the house and introduce Nigel to your new inside pet..
ReplyDeleteNigle sounds like someone who is a pain in the _ _ _. PITA>>>
Have a great week=end with your visitor..
Ta Ta For Now from Iowa:)
'I feel like sparrow tonight!!!'
ReplyDeleteLeg or breast?
More Nige tales!...some of my favorites.
ReplyDeleteNigel's really opened a can of worms. I have this vision of your your house full of virtual gifts from bloggers-around-the-World, a veritable menagarie of corpses to delight your friend. Just remember Nigel, that it's good for your immune system.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're gonna have one hellzapopping visit. My visitors never send notes that interesting. (Short sheet the bed!)
ReplyDeleteI'd be a wreck!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha what with the mummified sparrow and the pink sock episode from the previous post you've had me giggling away.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a friend who was demanding as that - in advance - he'd probably find the front door shut and locked and nobody at home.
ReplyDeleteA bird in the hand is plainly not worth as much as one found in the cutlery drawer.
ReplyDeleteI have a cat that leaves kills in my shoes. Not often enough so you learn to check your shoes, just often enough to get a good scream in the morning every now and then when I put my shoes on half asleep.
ReplyDeleteSo Nigels not a "take me as you find me" sort of fella then. I was once married to a "Nigel" - they are obviously all pains in the *rses. x
ReplyDeleteMake him sleep out with the chickens. That'll teach him some gratitude!:)
ReplyDelete