I have no trouble helping my brother out physically, after all I have been a nurse for decades, but it is odd to cross those physical boundaries from time to time that have been in place ever since we were children.
My parents were not demonstrative people.My father's father was a bit of a cold fish who ruled his family with a bit of an iron fist, and my mother, although hailing from emotionally warm parents, was an anxious and depressive personality who found physical intimacy difficult to cope with
As a family we were "saved" my our maternal grandmother, who could of maintained all the emotional demands of a large secondary school without breaking into a sweat, and it is her legacy of physical closeness that I am witnessing today .
As small children, my grandmother used to play with our hair. It was a luxury that we all used to squabble over in order to be the first to receive this hands on treat. Today on her visits to my brother, my sister will sit and play with his hair, just like our gran used to do and the action is a simple, effective and innate kind of therapy that bridges some of the gaps caused by a disease that robs a person of almost everything.
Isn't it funny that we return to our childhood "happy places" when we need to?. Regression is a necessary safety blanket for most serious ills..and..I am just grateful that our grandmother ensured that we as her grandchildren were given those happy places to "tap into" when fate deals us a low blow.
To me this is another example of just how important good parenting is....I am sure that without my grandmother 's ability to share her affections so easily, I would have not developed the basic skills to be an effective nurse/animal hoarder...
bloody hell....the responsibility of parenthood is literally so awesome.....and the scary thing is........any one psychopath can be a parent...
Ok it's all been a little too heavy today and forgive me..I have blogged about similar subjects like this before , so I will leave you with a video showing the consequences of being just a little overly demonstrative... tee hee
enjoy and have a nice weekend
x
see Sister Janet's recent blog entry
Prayers and good thoughts for your brother--What a blessing to have you there when he needs you most!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your thoughts this morning. Touch is a life-giving thing. Have you ever known of anyone who had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? Maybe that's why it's a good idea for both of us to have so many animals around us, John....Just a thought...
So sorry to hear that your brother has deteriorated, and I am moaning about having a cold!! Puts it into perspective. Like you I was lucky to have wonderful Grandparents who emotionally I was closer to than my parents. Having just lost my last Nan two weeks ago it has really hit me hard, but thankfully she leaves an everlasting legacy.
ReplyDeleteJo xx
I find it interesting - your tapping into the idea of cold versus warm upbringings. I guess most people's experience is halfway between those poles. Love and affection isn't just about words, it's also about the subtle and intimate language of touch. Trouble is you can't force it. It's either in you or it's not. Clearly for your grandma it was second nature and it is a gift, a realisation that she has passed down.
ReplyDeleteParenthood - you just get out there and do the best you can, for better or worse...
ReplyDeleteBeing Demonstrative, another thought-provoking blog - for which I am grateful. You have helped me today, thank you.
ReplyDeleteYP
ReplyDeleteagreed.... I am perhaps looking at the black and white and not the grey, but I think, even the evil people in this world will remember that small moment of warmth given to them as children...EVEN if it is amid the "normality" of an upbringing that is perhaps not quite like that of THE WALTONS
What you have missed via parents you have gained with a wonderful sibling life John, much envied by single children I can tell you.
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before, your Bro has a very supportive, loving family.
I've been very, very lucky indeed with my folks it seems, but still (at 42) catch myself sucking my tongue and twidlling my hair like a zombified monkey.
Chris
ReplyDeletewhat I was thinking about this morning is the legacy that we all bring to the table from parents and significent other people that raised us.....
its a whopper of a responsibilty to help forge a balanced human.... I am glad I dont have that resposobility
sending prayers for your brother.
ReplyDeleteA thought provoking post for a Friday morning,
Gill in Canada
I expect you would have been VERY good at it John.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read these accounts, I feel almost guilty that I had such a great childhood.
As the child of average parents who were strict but affectionate enough when it mattered, I feel very lucky. It's one of the few things we have no control over, what sort of people our parents are.
ReplyDeletePS - great video - love the tattoos!!
Sorry your brother is suffering John. You must be a great comfort to him. And, God bless Grandmas'.
ReplyDeleteI too had a grandmother and grandfather who gave us what we are missing...I certainly think they are responsible for the way we all turned out in many ways.
ReplyDeleteSince my mums stroke, I am sometimes now in the position of performing personal tasks for her...it is certainly odd, especially at first.
Your poor brother is so lucky to have such a dedicated and loving family. It must be awful for him to endure this disease. I am sure he takes great comfort from and looks forward to all of your visits.
Chania
cro
ReplyDeleteMy childhood with my parents was adequate.... thats all...certainly not awful... just adequate....
what makes a proper childhood (like yours I suspect) is warmth
This is a great gift, to be ble to comfort and care for your brother.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts go out to your brother. I remember in the last few months of my father's life I had to spoon feed him. How the tables had turned.
ReplyDeleteAnother similarity John. As in your family, we had a maternal grandmother who 'stepped up to the plate' so to speak to when needed. And thank god she did!
ReplyDeleteThanks to you I have just realized this!
Your brother is very fortunate.
As for the clip, I must get me one of those 'phones'!
I learned everything from my parents - that I didn't want to be! Interestingly...my mother became everything in a grandmother that she wasn't as a mother. My kids adored her and she them. I loved her dearly for that. Sadly, dying when he was just 45, my dad never had the chance to grow in the same way.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you have this connection with your brother and are able to attend to him. When my Sister first became ill(M.S.), I was surprised to find out how much I was able to do for her. I think it helped that I am Gay for her sake. It really would have helped had I been a nurse too.
ReplyDeleteLove the video and only wish that I had been in it.
m.
I don't know what my grandparents did wrong with womb provider, but as grandparents, they have been a crucial part of my life. Here's to grandma's and their loving legacy, perpetuating a kinder world to live in. And here's to you, John.
ReplyDeleteOkay, the rugby snogging video... oh my goodness. They're wearing Bradford City colours! This reminded me of bumping into a team of rugby lads visiting Toronto... met them on Toronto Island, out on a bar patio overlooking the lake, with a gf and my sis... drinking our pitchers, learning the rituals, having a right laugh. Then this mini tornado springs across the lake towards us, bugs hurtling, umbrellas and chairs spiralling away... everyone ran inside... (we lasted the longest, us girls)... next to these rugby lads (of course) who were chanting: "We will, we will not be moved", banging their pints on the tables, etc. They sat there through the whole thing, carrying on as normal, all these people peering out at them from inside the bar. Things settled down and we went back out. At some point they asked if I knew any good places to go out at night. I sent them off with directions to 'El Convento Rico', which was a really fun bar where I had seen blokes snog ('ello!) and they had a Drag Queen act on each week that was great. (Most bars were snooty in Toronto but this one was friendly and wonderful.) After watching your video, I think I definitely sent them to the right place! ;) I've always wondered if they made it there... and if any of them woke up with a shock...
Touching those we love is so necessary to be emotionally healthy. Some babies in orphanages often show a failure to thrive and become detached from society. Children must always know they are loved through words, actions and touch. No matter how busy we are, there is always time for a hug.
ReplyDeleteI was never very 'touchy feely' until I lived in Canada...we all seem to be big huggers here.
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug for that video!
Jane x
How fortunate you and your siblings had your Gran! How fortunate your brother has you and your sister! Prayers for all of you as you go on this journey with your brother!
ReplyDeleteThe tactile thing was the part I enjoyed the most about taking care of my husband Don...when hospice was involved and there were more caregivers to assist me, I had to say no to the hospice Nursing Assistant because I missed so much the hands on care of my husband. Bathing him was intense as was cutting his hair trimming his nails putting him on the bedpan. After he died (two years ago Oct. 22nd) I washed him and cut his hair...I will never forget this last act of touch!
nicely put Theanne
ReplyDeletex
Thanks, John, a really interesting post. I never knew a hug, was never tucked in at bedtime or heard the words, 'I love you' as a child, and yet somehow have the desire to express the care and affection that I have to those around me. Where it came from I've no idea but, on the whole, I feel glad that I have that capacity, 'though it can hurt like hell when it is rejected. I believe passionately in the powers of both positive words and touch and they are instinctive within me, but also recognise that others don't find it as easy to either give or receive... x
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a very warm, physical household..it's a necessary thing for kids, I feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your brother has gotten worse.
God bless. *Hugs* ♥
ReplyDeleteYour grandma sounds wonderful! How lucky you all were to have her! Children need so much love and it breaks my heart when I see or hear of a child having to do with out it. I am sorry you brother worse..I can not begin to imagine how hard that is for him and all of you.
ReplyDeleteDemonstrativeness is known to positively affect people's physical and mental health, so the more of it the better. My parents were demonstrative towards me in my early childhood, but then stopped being so on the grounds that it might turn me homosexual!!!! Jeez, there were so many pernicious myths about homosexuality in those days....
ReplyDeleteNothing but good thoughts coming from out here in the Pacific Northwest for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteTee Hee indeed
ReplyDeleteOh how I agree with you on the importance of being natural loving family and be able to reach out to each other.
Sorry to hear about your brother but it is good that you are close.
My heart goes out to you John - and to your brother. Showing love in a physical way to someone so ill is such an important thing - I think the hair thing is wonderful and I am sure it will remind him off his childhood. I do agree that one regresses in so many ways. The older I get the more I seem to think back to small things that happened when I was a child, and small things like you mention with your grandmother take on such a wonderful significance.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for taking responsibility and for the love you are now repaying that lovely woman. My wishes for your brothers health
ReplyDeleteI love that you are heavy and light becasue that is what we are as humans... you however have missed your calling (Or one of them ) as a writer... but hey Blogging is writing!
ReplyDeleteWho would think that a straight middle aged single woman from California USA would be reading a gay man's blog 6 thousand miles away and enjoying it every day. (Oh that would be me)
Also wishing she was your next door neighbor!
Hugs Ruth
ruth
ReplyDeleteyou are very sweet
x
I don't think I've ever come across a needier group of people...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, John.
ReplyDeleteHow come hot rugby players never make out with each other in MY pub?? *sadface*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your brother John. I can't even imagine. Sending hugs and good thoughts.
I have an aunt who filled in a lot of the emotional gaps for me...I was born fourth child in five years to a 21 year old mom with an absentee military father. Our mother was fighting just to keep us all clean and fed, not much left over after that I'm afraid. My aunt was the one who "saved" me. It's amazing how just one person loving them is all it takes for children to blossom, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAnd funny coincidence...my son just started working for Jawbone (the video ad) three weeks ago. He's the one with the tattoos! (Just kidding. Nothing so sexy...he's a software engineer. He's also the one in the "ghost" picture with me.)
John,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your post, as we were not very demonstrative in my family, either. But, my maternal grandmother had that certain something that drew children to her, and she gave her love freely.
I'm sorry to hear your brother's doing worse but glad that you and your family are close enough to be there for each other.
megan
Dear John,you and the girls are such good siblings for Andrew. He is blessed to have you. I know it's your job to tend to such tasks, but I know that what you do is out of love. Praises that your granny passed that to you. Just said a prayer for Andrew and your family. x
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post John and one of your very best.Such a gift those special things of childhood.For me of course it's birds!!They comfort, give me peace and tranquillity whatever they are doing.If I reach the stage of your brother I would hope to have a very caring perosn like you around and my oldest goose Ella perching on the bed with the three cats!He's a lucky man.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your brother is declining, John. But I do love the way you write about these things. I'm glad he can enjoy simple pleasures like having his hair touched.
ReplyDeletePS The video was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteBeen meaning to get back to this post to wish you strength in your support for your brother. Maybe you too will be able to play with his hair as old inhibitions cease to matter.
ReplyDeleteKia Kaha
(24 Oct 2011)