Apart from a few moments of silliness, I think I have never really done anything for which I was ever really ashamed of.
Ok , when I was eight I poured a whole bottle of peppermint essence into our garden pond and killed all of the rather expensive goldfish and when I was ten I was caught throwing mud and stone at bungalow windows, but apart from the occasional drunken escapade and these two distant childhood memories, I have never really done anything wrong enough to warrant being truly ashamed of myself .
I have thought about all this this morning, when I was feeding the pigs.....The story about the Stockport thief who was killed with his own knife whilst in the process of robbing a householder, came to mind , especially as a number of floral tributes have now been left at the burgled address by friends and family of the dead man.
It is though that the "accepted" notion of shame (of their loved on being a thief) has been effectively sidestepped and ignored by people that knew him in this modern day need to grieve in public.
Do people live in such tight little bubbles of isolation nowadays, that the public notion of shame no longer figures anymore? I am so depressed if this is really the case.
I nodded to myself this morning in a kind of benign accepting kind of way when I remembered something I have never really properly thought about before.
I never ever officially "came out " to my mother......... and the reason for this was shame.....not my shame......no!!!... not at all, but it was in reference to her shame.
Having someone you love being ashamed of you is something you cope with only if there is a valid reason for the emotion to be there.......it is an emotion that you both can share and get over together..... with time, effort and contrition and a certain amount of grovelling
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I am never ashamed at being gay....... even back then when it was all new, slightly worrying and shiny...I really wasn't. I just "could not be arsed" in trying to deal with someone else's emotion of shame, an emotion I could not validate in any shape or form.
When I came out, I absolutely refused to fight against my mother's shame, it would have hurt both of us and would have sabotaged the family dynamics far too much.....I preferred to share the real me with people that could deal with it ...........and for me it worked like a charm.
They all were told and accepted it......she was kept in the dark...and I accepted it
Shame is the most powerful controller......
Good post - made me think. And well done you for understanding your mum!
ReplyDeleteYes - interesting John. Are you sure she never knew? I have a friend in similar circumstances and he was sure his father did not know (his mother was dead). When he and his partner had a civil ceremony he felt his father should be told. He rang hisbrother (who also didn't know thought my friend) who said ' oh we've all known for years but didn't like to mention it in case you didn't want us to know.!' In fact his daughter, my friend's niece, had done study on it for A level, using her uncle as an example.
ReplyDeleteNow my grand-daughter is gay and I just accept it - but times have changed. I can remember when you just did not talk about such things, let alone admit to it. Once that generation dies out I am sure nobody will feel there is anything wrong with it.
As for shame - I think it affects us all in different areas. I'm sure we have all done things we wish we had not said or done. Maybe we just have to put them behind us rather than be ashamed - it is far too late to do anything about it - unless we can apologise - in which case we should do it immediately - it will assuage some of the guilt.
weaver
ReplyDeleteno she never did, she was far too selfish and self obsessed in her latter years to look objectively at others
I was ashamed of myself on Saturday! Did something which, with hindsight, was ungenerous and I now feel was beneath the me I think I am. Not a good emotion to feel, but an important one - when (and only when) it's warranted.
ReplyDeleteAnd oh, I remember keeping my mother in the dark when my first marriage ended. I thought she'd be ashamed of me. Of course, I had to tell her when me and my present (and ever) husband decided to marry. She was neither surprised nor ashamed.
How sad it is that peopl cannot just be people.
ReplyDeleteShame has its place, criminal behaviour shoud be shameful.
But being who we are as people should never provoke shame in anybody.
Now that we have a 'syndrome' for every bad behaviour, shame has become redundant. All one has to do is get an interview with Larry King on CNN (he may be retired now, but I'm sure has a successor) and the syndrome is diagnosed, making whomever no longer responsible. Just look at Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as examples.
ReplyDeleteShame is a useful tool John, when you learn through feeling awful that what you have done is socially unacceptable and no longer repeat said bad behaviour.
I'm sorry your Mum couldn't know the whole of you. Our sexuality is so much a part of who we are. I think she must have missed a lot. Too bad.
What makes you think she would have been ashamed of you? You might have been pleasantly surprised.
ReplyDeleteI'd heard about the thief being stabbed, but not about the flowers. What a strange world.
This is not at all meant to be a disrespectful comment but your mom was likely of "that" generation and they were not exposed to all that we know today about being gay. It was very different for them back in their day. But I do agree with some other commenters, she might have been fine with it. xo
ReplyDeleteJacqueline said it very well. We are a society where no one is to blame. It's is always the fault of someone or something else.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the isolation. It's just that the moral compass has gone. Look at the looting in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina; or the looting in London not too long ago. Neither had anything to do with what happened. It was just that the moral fabric has worn so thin as to be almost none existent any more.
It always surprises me like a slap on the face that people would care if someone is gay. WHY would anyone have to 'come out' or worry what someone might say??? I am sorry that you have had to deal with that for one ounce of time.
ReplyDeleteI can understand a mother's fear and concern, knowing the idiocy of the above-mentioned people but shame? Though one of my kids has never 'come out' to me and I won't invade his/her privacy with questions it never occured to me it would be because of shame . . . .
When I read this story I was surprised to find out the man who killed the intruder was arrested. (He'd be celebrated for his bravery here.) But to leave flowers at the house, odd.
ReplyDeleteJanet
Sadly, I have things I've been ashamed of over the years. And even more sadly, they're minor BS that nobody cares about but me! As for coming out, I have tried to be out to everyone in my life. You really made me think regarding the decision you made with your mother. I admire you for your depth of understanding in that situation. And I admire the unashamed life you live in your small village!
ReplyDeleteAn interesting post. I think you were wise to contemplate the possible landscape beyond the time when you might have told your mother you were gay. Regarding the floral tributes in Bramall, Stockport - I must say that I'd be tempted to gather them all up in the dead of night and stick them in a wheelie bin. In doing that I would feel not one iota of shame.
ReplyDeleteAl has already said everything I was going to.
ReplyDeleteJane x
to all
ReplyDeletemy mother was ill and frail and somewhat "bombastic" in nature..she was also a drama queen, an alcoholic and very self obsessed..... in her slightly younger days ( once we all got over the guilt and trauma) she may well have been ok with having a gay son.. but as she grew older.... naw... it would have been too hard
hey ho
Terrific post John.
ReplyDeleteI recognize that nun; she looks like a few that taught me in school. The name of the game was humiliation and shame. Still have some scars.
However, today with the absence of guilt and those who use society to blame for the irresponsibility of their actions,it seems that we may be on the wrong track.
"I just "could not be arsed" in trying to deal with someone else's emotion of shame, an emotion I could not validate in any shape or form."
ReplyDeleteThat's a powerful insight John, and one I think a lot of people could benefit from. It's kind of standard to "take on" the shame of others, even when one doesn't it feel it for him or herself. The way you see it is so much more objective, and fills me with a sense of relief. (The little kid in me looks up with an arrested expression and says "You can DO that?")
:-)
Hey, John. I played it the opposite with my Mom and her shame has nearly destoyed any relationship we might possibly have had. So, good on you for not knuckling under. That's my advice to all that come after me. Be who you are. Lane
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit ambivalent about this. There's something to be said for sparing others from the shame of some shock revelation. On the other hand if their first reaction is shame, shouldn't they be prompted to ask themselves why they feel that way and why they can't be more open-minded?
ReplyDeleteRe the stabbed burgular - more stories of scum and fecked-up British social ethics. Honestly - I'm considering leaving this UK toilet before it implodes.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine you doing anything shameful, John.
Except wearing chicken shit stained jogging bottoms halfway down your arse in public...x
Being an old broad, one would expect me to say something about this gay thing that some people have trouble with. Well, I have no problem with any of it, if one of my kids, or grandkids said they were, I would ask them if they were happy. If they are happy, there is no problem...
ReplyDeleteNow, about those flowers, I am wondering why in the hell they are still there? Makes me angry that they had the gall to even do that!
Since you knew your mother, and we didn't, I'm sure you made the right decision. And for the right reasons. You hurt yourself to avoid hurting her.
ReplyDeleteSo agree, sometimes it is just best to be an adult and keep things to ourselves or share with those we can trust.
ReplyDeleteGreat post John! And it got me thinking.....like you I did not tell my mother that I was gay but had told all other siblings. I knew my mother very well and I did not need her approval and acceptance to live my life happily. Like you John, my Mom was not well most of her life and she would have 'no room' for my disclosure.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the day after Ron and I got married we sat down with my Dad and told him the news. His reply was : 'Why in heaven's name did you feel you had to do that!" And he added: "You know I watch the 'Ellen Degeneres Show' every day, so I know."
Nice work, John.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if shame is the controller but the public appropriation of it to control others, definitely is.
My aunties are both gay. They've been in relationships for about thirty years now but it took twenty or so to tell my Gran. By then they'd all bought houses and been living together for decades. Still, Gran was shocked. But not shamed, I don't think.
I would hazard a guess that most Mums and Dads are not shamed ... but worried for their children and perhaps sad too about not having anyone to babysit!
And Chris ... come to Australia ... come on!
ReplyDelete