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| Mary in more robust days |
I have never liked the above phrase.To me, everything about it sums up all of the harshness' and poverty of the Victorian Era ( For reference - it was first "officially" coined used by a British orator John Bright in 1867)
The the term is a blunt one but it is also apt especially when I think of what modern intensive care medicine can sometimes do with some frail elderly patients who are just fading away in the twilight of their lives. Because we can aggressively support a patent's vital signs by invasive drugs, procedures and ventilation, sometimes , just occasionally do we forget to ask the question, should we be doing so?
Like Mary, the bantam in the shed, some people just "go light" and it's that lack of a certain spark which can signify that "it's their time to go" Of course it's such a hard thing to call. When people are ill , of course they need to be treated and treated appropriately ( which does at times mean an aggressive regime of care) but common sense needs to show her apron here..... especially when someone is dying.
A spade needs to be called a spade, and it has to be said with sensitivity and with kindness.
Yes, it's a big think, isn't it?
I have been mulling over it ever since I checked on the animals last night. Little Mary the sick bantam who has been "light" for over a week now, raised her head from inside her crate in the shed.
She hasn't eaten for days but her eyes seemed brighter than they did, so on impulse I lifted her out and fed her some cool sugared water from a syringe.
She drank it carefully, and I repeated the process after two hours and again twice this morning, but this time with some baytril and a few mls of raw egg added to it, and although the outcome for this little scrap will not, I suspect be any different, there was something in me that needed to try.
Perhaps this is the answer to my first discussion point about old people in intensive care. All of us, fundamentally have an in- built need to try and help when and where we can. Perhaps its not objective or sensible or even right,
......................but it's there.......
You're feeding her raw egg! Isn't that a bit like giving No 21 a bacon sandwich?
ReplyDeleteit wasn't until my lovely mum was in hospital after massive heart attacks that I realised dying actually wasn't an option on the treatment sheet.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered that night when they kept resucitating her if she was trying to live or trying to die.
When my animals are ready to go something behind their eyes disappears, and you know it's time but then animals seem to accept death as a part of living.
This morning I was laying on the floor with our girl Rudi who as you may or may not know has hemangiosarcoma, isn't feeling well today. I know there's nothing that can be done for her, and she doesn't have much of an appetite this morning, but like you I just have to keep trying--If we give up, then I think we've kind of let them down and maybe ourselves too because caring for and about them is part of who we are. (Just my rambling thoughts...)
ReplyDeleteYeh, something inside you says, try. But, is it to make you feel better, or the person or animal? I don't know the answer, but I do know that letting go of someone or something you love is dam* hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a nurse, John, and I haven't cared for nearly as many people as you have, but, I have done my share, with my family. In each case, I wonder if medical science has gone too far, and if we are keeping people alive beyond their time. We see our loved ones fade before our eyes, their quality of life becoming less and less. Yet, we struggle on, trying to keep them alive. Sad.
Now, it's a beautiful Summer morning here, and I'm going to put such thoughts aside and enjoy this day that has been given me.
When my time comes, I certainly don't want any of those bloody doctors try to play God on me and artificially ressucitate me! There is a difference between helping someone in pain and helping someone to go to the next level of existence.
ReplyDeleteOur medical culture unfortunately don't considers us as human being but only as some kind of machine on which doctors have all power to do what they want.
But like Louise, I'm putting all this aside and enjoy this beautiful day given to me.
Hugs
Jon
It should be a choice available to go gently into the night. With both my parents, the medical world fought aggressively to maintain their less than idea quality of life and when they, too, gave up, my parents were shuffled to the back rooms and soon forgotten by every one but family.
ReplyDeleteFacing surgery next week for my husband (heart) and him with pneumonia, I think, sometimes, many professionals only see numbers and have lost sight of the rule, do no harm.
Thank you, John, for not being one of those.
You said it yourself John, you were responding to a spark you saw in her eye. She wouldn't have taken the nourishment if her will was to die. You offered her an option and she took it.
ReplyDeleteThe eyes speak to you and you have to listen. They rely on you for that. It is how I know the time has come to let an animal go. You'll know John when to step back and know that it is out of your hands. Deb
ReplyDeleteThis is a really deep subject with me, I have seen too many members of my family kept alive, for no other reason than to keep them going and rack up a bill, when there is no solution and they show that their will to live is gone. I have even seen them drink, I believe that is natural, not a will to live.
ReplyDeleteI myself would not want to be put through all that.
I think it's your way, John, of 'sending' Mary on her way. I believe we get bogged down with the whole idea of 'playing god' when it comes to death and dying. The animal or human will certainly let us know when it is time......especially those with which we have been close.
ReplyDeleteCan you be cloned? More of you John is needed in this 'field'!
Here, on occasion, terminal patients agree, after careful discussion with the doctor, to a DNR status. Do Not Resuscitate can be a good thing and makes for more time for the family at the bedside and a more peaceful death. Do you have any policy like this in the United Kingdom? I have also seen do not intubate but then we had to give emergency meds which was insane.
ReplyDeleteyes olive we have them here... and generally work very well
ReplyDeleteHow heartfelt were your words. I read them, and digested your dilemma. To know when to help. To know when to stand back but be ready to step forward if necessary. Only a wise and sensitive person would know when to do that. Someone like you. God bless.
ReplyDeleteWhat I 'heard' was that you connected with a living being and met her needs - physical comfort, a bit of food/drink that you knew she'd enjoy and kindness.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lovely document called 'Five Wishes' and I wish more people would fill it out so that their family knew what to do when the time comes. I imagine that Mary would have had those exact things on her wish list.
You are a good man John Gray.
http://www.agingwithdignity.org/forms/5wishes.pdf
To care is to feel and live. The day we stop doing that we are dead ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI believe that sometimes the greatest gift can be letting someone/something die. Offering comfort and companionship at the end can be the only gift required.
ReplyDeleteI know that this upsets many people but it is how I, personally, feel. I'm not talking about when someone is simply "sick", but when they ARE actually dying and forced help is simply delaying the process.
When my ex-husband was dying from complications of alcoholism, long after he'd lost his mind and control of bodily functions and he was being kept alive (literally) by a multitude of prescriptions ~ I remember being so frustrated because the nursing home kept sending him back to the hospital (by ambulance) for every little crisis (bleeding polyp, etc.). The poor man was dying but they kept pulling him threw one crisis after another until "they" finally decided to stop giving him all his medications and he finally passed, peacefully in his sleep. Somebody made a lot of money during the last six months of that poor man's life...
You're a gentle soul, John. It's good to connect with you in some little way each day.
ReplyDeleteWell written John. My personal feeling is that we and others instinctively know when it's "time". But to receive comfort, companionship and assistance at that time is a remarkable gift.
ReplyDeleteHuman beings seem to have a real problem with death. I don't know if it's because it's the One Big Thing that's greater than us, undefeatable & inevitable. To me death is as important as life itself, in the great cycle of Spirit. To be able to give any living thing, bantam hen or human being, a dignified end is something very special. xxxx
ReplyDeleteYes. It is a big think.
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to stop there.
xx.
Very well said John. I find egg very nutritious for sick birds despite what Cro says and I always give my chicks chopped up hard boiled egg for the first few days after hatching.
ReplyDeleteAs for the question of fading away - I agree whole heartedly. I personally have an advanced decision will and I hope it will be adhered to when my time comes.
Having had horses my entire life (oldest one living to 42 years), this is such a familuar point. With horses, you usually have to do the actual 'end' deed to let them go. I always worry if I put them down too soon, but it is much worse to do it too late and they are truly suffering in their last day or hours. You are a kind and caring man, love to read all your animal adventures.
ReplyDeleteJohn - people like you make this world a better place to live in.
ReplyDeletei think it's more about the contact you gave Mary than any attempt to extend her living/dying. Something in all us creatures, human and animal needs the touch and care of another, especially in our more vulnerable moments.
ReplyDeleteI think it right that we should afford others dignity in dying whether they are human, bird or animal.
ReplyDeleteI think the change in her eyes made you want to do something, and i can't help feeling that perhaps she wanted to have closeness with another being who has cared for her. To let you know that she's all right, and to give you the memory of that last bright spark that often happens before the flame is extinguished.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, she will pass from this earth, but between now and then, should she look a little brighter and willing to accept some nourishment from so kind a caretaker, i think it would help your heart to help as much as it may help her to know that even as she goes out, she's not abandoned.
I can only hope that when it's my time to go, i can have someone so caring to see me to the other side.
megan
Oh John,
ReplyDeleteIf only everyone in health care felt the way you did what a wonderful world it would be.
I also went through watching my father die a slow painful death because they always said "We just going to try one more thing" Back and forth to the hospital, nursing home, and our house it went for almost a year.. And as you did, I gave him food, water, and comfort until he passed.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it truly means so much!
Mary was/is blessed to having such a loving caring caretaker!
Hugs
Aaah...little Mary was nodding back in for a bit eh? Whenever patients would do that it always reminded me of the way a piece of seaweed can get caught up in the wave wash at the beach, washing in and out a few times before finally breaking free and heading out for deeper water.
ReplyDeleteThe instinct to nourish is so profound and the habit of nurturing so hard to break. I know.
Dxoxo
dia
ReplyDeletethat is perhaps the most lovely piece of writing I have read recently
Funny, I was in a similar situation last week with my hen Claudia. I was feeding her antibiotic water from a spoon, and at first I thought she'd recover from her illness. But then I saw her lose her will to continue. I have seen enough people and animals die now that I recognize when that spark goes out and the transition begins (I'm sure you know it well, as a nurse!) So, since she wasn't suffering (mainly she was weak and sleeping) I let nature take its course and she died the next day.
ReplyDeleteI think they make it clear to you when they are ready to go, but you have to listen. And it's always hard. :(