This week I listened to a harrowing yet fascinating LBC phone in with the very talented Petrie Hosken , it centred around domestic abuse, which seems often to be heightened at Christmas time (see this BBC news article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8379798.stm)
Petrie is a warm, talented and assertive journalist, yet by her own admission she was subjected to a subtle, consistently controlling and quietly effective set of abusive behaviours by a previous partner that totally changed her life. Petrie's recollections created a tidal wave of personal stories and experiences from the station listeners and I was reminded of a time, long ago, when I was on the receiving end of a partner's abusive tongue.
The thing that you lose when you are with a controlling and angry partner is perspective. You are unable to see the wood for the trees, and over time, every little thing that makes you unhappy suddenly becomes the norm. Even though the "abuse" I experienced was not physical in nature ( although it did come to blows on one occasion I am ashamed to say), I was bullied dreadfully and I only had the courage to leave the control after two friends made their own individual interventions!
One friend John, overheard a particularly cruel and upsetting scene one night and the look of pain on his face the next day galvanised my resolve to finish what I had worked so hard to fix and accept. Finally I saw my relationship through his eyes, and it hurt!...and that was the vital steppingstone that helped me so much in letting go.
Nuala, reinforced this decision by stating simply in her own matter-of -fact way "if things are too hard, then why do them?"....and so my perspective returned alongside my self esteem and I moved on.
Last Christmas, 70 people A DAY! rang the Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline and I thought it was prudent for the agency to concentrate this years campaign on early subtle signs of abusive behaviour rather than just to give advice of what to do when this get unbearable. I just hope that the initiative helps!
In the end, Petrie Hoskin mirrored my own words today as I discussed all this with Chris....she said that in retrospect that she couldn't quite believe it had all happened.........she, like me learnt from the experience.....and both of us have never suffered the insidious, negative and damaging effects of an abusive relationship since!
We are the fortunate ones
beautifully said - you are so lucky to have friends like you do, but of course I know why - you are very good man! peace
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