Thursday, 20 July 2017

Unprofessional Behaviour


As the echoes of the news of my retirement filter through the interweb, I have been in touch with several old workmates, a couple of which reminded me of certain situations where I wasn't the most professional of nurses!
Here are a few memories , many long forgotten ( by me)

  • Before selfies were popular, I once took my own photo with the ward wound camera as I posed next to six sleeping patients in their beds!
  • I once washed a patient while wearing an oxygen mask ( I was told piped oxygen was a cure for a hangover)
  • Working with a rigid ward sister, I once removed her padlocked suggestions box from the wall and filled it with a snack plate of cheese and biscuits(?) before replacing it.
  • I once gave a prank playing colleague a cup of tea with a patient's dentures placed in the bottom
  • I once gave an hysterical patient a victory v sweet telling her it was a sleeping tablet
  • A support worker I had was well know for sitting in a favourite easy chair on nights. One Christmas I arranged for her husband to collect it and he wrapped it in colourful Festive paper and a big bow and gave it to her for her main gift!
  • Working on a mother &baby psychiatric unit, I was caught washing a baby's bum under a sink's mixer tap!
  • I once set up a false urine bag on a patient's bed complete with a goldfish in it!
  • I was once friendly with a paralysed patient who due to a pressure sore was only able to mobilise face down on an adapted hospital trolley. Without him knowing I drew a smiley face on his buttocks
  • There are more stories regarding false turds made out of chocolate, sitting on a patient's dog on a home visit, a flying full urine bag bursting.....shoplifting psychiatric patients in Woolworths.... dropping a patient down a fire escape and getting a drunk colleague's arse stuck in a window of the ward's linen room,  that I wont go into detail about.............

74 comments:

  1. Laughter is often the best medicine at the end of the day...

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  2. There are several more I cannot share and will never ! Lol

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    1. Like that time you abseiled down the side of The Royal Hallamshire Hospital stark naked and pissed as a lord singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". It was front page news in "The Sheffield Star" and the main reason you had to flee to North Wales.

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    2. I actually sang Gloria Gaynor's " I will survive"

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  3. Oh, what a relief. And here I thought you were a saint.

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  4. Oh, it's all coming out now you've retired! If The Nursing and Midwifery Council had known about this stuff you'd have been struck off long ago!

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  5. The Goldfish was genius!

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  6. Awesome. Live the chocolate turds. The only ones we get at work are the real ones.

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  7. I like the goldfish one.

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  8. bwhahahahahahaha! so saint john is just a cover for the REAL devil in you!

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  9. I think us nurses have many a tale to tell but we would not get away with those things now a days. You would be out on your ear.
    Eg one of ours was putting salt Into any handsome male patients tea. A great icebreaker

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    1. Bet they loved that.......i suspect you didnt get any dates

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  10. I hope I never have to be in a hospital again!!!!

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  11. A little fun on the job keeps everyone sane. I have a feeling the patients appreciate it too. Okay, maybe not the artwork on the bum but, mostly.

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    1. The patient involved also stuck a daffodil up the bum of another patient in a similar prediciment

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  12. My god, that's enough to get you struck off. It sounds like M.A.S.H.

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  13. I love the goldfish in a urine bag. I'm sure you have much more to tell;).

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  14. The goldfish - genius!

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    1. The joke was played on a little asian consultant called Ravi....he loved it

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  15. I am reminded of One Flew over the cuckoo's Nest <3

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  16. No wonder they sacked you!

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  17. OMG you were a menace, LOL!

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  18. Did Chris really know what he was getting involved with?

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  19. Actually, John, it sounds like a fairly normal job to me. Substitute full pot of hot coffee for the urine bag and you're all set.

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  20. Have you started writing your book yet?
    Because you should be.

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  21. More grist for The Book....

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  22. Naughty Nurse! What a carry on!!! :)

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  23. There may be more to come, see this coment on facebook
    Gaynor Stevenson
    Gaynor Stevenson I remember the dentures and cheese and biscuits amongst many others .
    LikeShow More Reactions · Reply · 24 mins
    Remove
    Gaynor Stevenson
    Gaynor Stevenson Do you remember the budgie
    LikeShow More Reactions · Reply · 23 mins
    Remove
    John Gray
    John Gray no please remind me gaynor...remind me of any you remember!

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  24. The scary thing is, some of these don't seem at all unprofessional to me. Why NOT wash a baby's bum under a mixer tap?! But the dentures in the teacup -- ugh.

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    1. I could have scalded the little sucker

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  25. You tickled my funnybone, and I'm not even a patient.

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  26. And how much fun were you to work with! I had a great laugh reading the list.

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    1. Ive bored the itu staff with most of these stories ad nauseum

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  27. More fodder for your book, John!

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  28. Nurse Ratchett would NOT be amused!!!

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  29. THANKS for the grins and the much needed lift!

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  30. I'll bet your sense of humour saved many a fraught colleague's sanity, and your own with it! The goldfish will help when I need s giggle today! Thank you John. DID Chris have any idea what he was getting into when your relationship started? Now, perhaps that's a story for another day?

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    1. I pretended to be an adult when we first dated....having said this i stiffed him for the restaurant bill on our first meeting as i took out my supermarket points card instead of my debit card

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  31. You are a hoot. Love the goldfish and the happy face. Keep up the good work.

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  32. You are a hoot. Love the goldfish and the happy face. Keep up the good work.

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  33. This is why I love you !! Dentures one the best. I can't stand Victory Vs...it reminds me of being " put under" at the dentist when I was a kid for some reason! Can you explain that?

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    1. They both make your mouth numb

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  34. A little humour can get you through some tough days :)

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  35. I once gave a couple of victory v to a police horse outside a football ground. After 5 minutes the animal had an incredible erection.

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  36. Is Gwil suggesting Victory V's as a cure for erectile malfuntion or am I misreading this?

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    1. a knee slapper! Y'all have to stop. Now there's tea all over my monitor!

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  37. oh you was a naughty nurse. LOL. Loved the goldfish prank and false teeth....
    Hope you are enjoying your free days

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  38. Replies
    1. Why did you leave then?

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  39. the smiley face though. that tells me everything. i bet you were a hoot to have around.

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    Replies
    1. The prof would argue that sometimes

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  40. It is great to have a sense of humor and also great to be able to keep it. I thought the goldfish one was fabulous. I bet the smiley face helped keep people in a good mood while helping your patient.

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  41. Can't ever go in to great detail about a caravan holiday me my boss n 5 patients from a huge psychiatric/ mental handicap hospital had in 80,s. Huge fun!. We were all around 23. Big boss wanted art gallery reciepts and the like.
    Got pubs, discos, firewood delivery for our evening bonefires. Fresh fish delivery to cook on bonefires. Inflatable boat with oars!.
    Not much risk assessment done by us, but fun assessment yes.
    Could never do that today, just about got away with it then!.
    The holiday was the most freedom those guys had in their lives.
    Lives in legend.

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    1. A charge nurse i worked with had a bathroom on his ward always locked...........it was a still...full of brewing beer

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  42. Have come out the woodwork,followed for ages,love your writing and your lovely followers Hi folks!
    Constipated (friends )cat gel up bum vet firmly squeezes cat...cat sh*t bullets bouncing off wall.Discussing pros and cons of mouse caesarian with on call Head Equine Vet (sigh)at 4.00am.

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  43. PS the cat was blissfully asleepand oblivious

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    1. Lol, a delightful first comment....my life is so surreal .....welcome dearheart x

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  44. Humour is one thing. Humour at someone else's expense is another matter. And humour at the expense of a patient is unconscionable. I must have a little of Nurse Ratchett in me as I have never liked any sort of practical joke. You make yourself sound like a cross between Benny Hill and the Carry On, Nurse bunch.

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    1. Oh dear... Well i am actually a rather good nurse....arsehole!

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  45. Oh for heaven's sake, "fhymeswithplague"! I am quite sure John was an excellent nurse!

    I myself would not have got through my 34 years of nursing without many a prank, some of which simply could not be written down without being misunderstood!

    John, my favourite, was the false teeth.

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  46. You are such fun, John! Life is so much better if we enjoy it and have ourselves a laugh sometimes! Thanks for sharing these, this made my day.

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  47. A life in nursing can be very grim at times. I'm glad you had some amusing highlight.

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  48. Oh my . . .
    Sounds like it was FUN and FIESTY when you were on schedule.

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  49. Love it John. Years and years ago, we out a tiny nurse into a bed, and put a drainage bag with water and orange squash in for urine, same again with Ribena for a drain. Hooked her to the monitor, and she had a naturally low Bo and high pulse. I gave report about a fallopian tube pregnancy/rupture, and it took the night staff an hour to realize it was Wendy!!!

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  50. That should read BP not Bo.

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  51. I love the goldfish in a urine bag. I'm sure you have much more to tell..

    สูตรบาคาร่า
    goldenslot

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