Sunday, 5 February 2017

I Have Never



I 've never cried at a funeral! 

This revelation came to me this morning after I recalled reading that Hitler loved watching Snow White and the seven Dwarfs
Both facts to me are mildly surprising, especially as I always thought that Hitler was more of a Gone With The Wind kind of guy!
Anyhow, as usual I digress

Yes, I have never cried at a funeral.
I have never found myself naked in pubic either, which, when you think of it , is more or less the same thing!
I also have have been called to Jury service, which is a real pisser! I have always thought I would rather suit than linen jacket Henry Fonda kept taking on and off in Twelve Angry Men.

I have never eaten Haggis or oysters !
Or ever had  fight in the street.
and I have never once been on a protest march and waved a suitably ribald placard at the authorities!

I have never slept in a tent or had a shit in the woods
And I have not seen a hedgehog close up since I was 13!

I have never read Dickens, Proust or Chekhov

I have never been to Madame Tussauds, The Tower Of London or The Royal Albert Hall.
And  have never waltzed with gay abandon on the sprung floor of the Blackpool dance ballroom!

I never said " I love you" to my parents. And I never heard them utter the phrase back  to me

And I have never cried at a funeral!

108 comments:

  1. I know poetry when I'm reading it and you have done a fine job. My compliments, John.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have stopped going to funerals.

    I was called for jury service 2 years ago and found myself on a fraud case which lasted 5 weeks!!! Some days I dozed off, it was so boring. I was aged 70 and had long since retired, so unaccustomed to going into the city every morning to "work".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was called for jury duty for the first time last week. I'll be 70 in four months. Here in Texas you can opt out if you're over 70, but I missed the cut off by that much. Fortunately, the parties involved settled and they cancelled the trial. I'm assuming my name goes back into the hat for future selection, which I'm fervently hoping will be no sooner than five months from now. :)

      Delete
  3. A few of your revelations surprise me. Maybe you should work on crossing some off the list. Which would you choose first? X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The most important alas I cannot achieve! So i will plump for last night at the proms at the Albert Hall......

      Delete
  4. Just a selfish comment - I have never run since I was 17. The day before I had never run since I was 17, I beat Virginia Wade at tennis and now aged 71 I am still pissed off about it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Run in your dreams dearheart

      Delete
  5. Some people just don't cry - even at funerals. It's not that they are bad or heartless; it's just the way they are. Everyone displays emotions differently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dread the day that i will.....and it shall come

      Delete
  6. I see the relationship between things you don't do in public. Oysters and dancing - you should try those. I would put you on the jury - unless the case involved an animal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes..id bring back hanging

      Delete
  7. I have never cried at a funeral either, but having Vera Lynn sing "We'll meet again" at my mom's funeral last year came pretty close as a picture of my mom and dad in uniform flashed up. And if you have never read Dickens I feel sorry for you. We had to read that at 11 in school so how did you get away with it? Likewise I had never said "I love you" to my parents but it didn't matter because we all knew it. However I visited my dad in June 2005. He had Alzheimer's and I knew I would never see him alive again. So as everyone left I went back into his room, kissed him and told him how much I loved him - and I'm so glad I did because he died a month later. And he has come back to me in my dreams to let me know. I'm just waiting for mom to come back now ... she's late as usual. Anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anna.... On the back of your comment I have just bought GREAT EXPECTATIONS from Amazon ....

      Delete
    2. Well done matey, Dickens is a master! Anna

      Delete
    3. Ooh, not sure Great Expectations is such a good introduction to Dickens. Hard Times or A Tale Of Two Cities are much more accessible and certainly less boring.

      Delete
    4. Just bought A Tale of two cities too!

      Delete
    5. The last couple of Christmases I've read Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" aloud to my husband in the evening. I usually do it over the course of three nights. We always watch George C. Scott in the movie version every year, too, and it's fun to read Jacob Marley's admonitions to Scrooge and envision Frank Finlay's delightfully chilling portrayal:

      “But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,' faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself.

      Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. "Mankind was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The deals of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

      Delete
  8. You have never slept in a tent? Oh my poor poor John. Now it's too late. I also surmise that therefore you have never been to an open air festival. Never mind, both are devised to give you maximum discomfort with minimum effort.

    It takes a brave man - not that I congratulate you on your achievement - to admit (in public) to never having read Dickens. Few people "read" Proust. They just try; only to give up in search of time lost in their vain attempt to make it to the end.

    U

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh poor ursula !
      See previous comment!

      Delete
  9. Maybe you will get to do some of those things before you kick the bucket? Maybe I will too. Remember how I was excused jury service last year? Well I have been picked again and this time I will have to do it. I think that the selection is not as random as they say. 4 summons' to one house in one year?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can do without the funeral sobbing!

      Delete
    2. The trouble is that we cannot do without funerals. We can do without sobbing at weddings though, especially when the vows are made with crossed fingers behind the back.

      Delete
    3. Are you married tom.....i just realised that i didnt know

      Delete
    4. I think they run out of people in the upper age limit and they try to have representatives from the entire age range.

      Delete
  10. I have never found myself naked in pubic (thank the dogs and cats!). I have been called to jury duty (once). you are not missing anything by not eating crap like haggis or oysters. or reading boring authors like dickens. tents, hedgehogs and outdoor shits are to be missed.

    you SHOULD go to a protest march; hopefully you signed the NO DUMP petition.

    I have been to The Tower of London.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. [Looking for cardboard] to make a sign

      Delete
  11. I've cried at several funerals. But, if a nude beach counts, I've been naked in public. Haggis, street fight, Proust, Tower of London (inside), Royal Albert hall, Blackpool, "love you" from my father... Never. Will be in London again this week and plan to remove Tower and Royal Albert Hall from my "never" list. And, although, I've cried at funerals, I didn't cry at my mother's, who lived long enough for us to finally say "I love you" to each other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The dowager was a grand old dame!

      Delete
  12. I cry at every funeral. I just can't keep my emotions in check. I've never listened to the Archers, had a manicure or pedicure, been called for jury service, had a dog as a pet, traveled abroad alone, won a novelty vegetable award. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get carving that marrow simone...this year is your lucky year!

      Delete
  13. I wish I had done some of the things that I have not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your recent adventure has inspired me to do some of the things I've dreamed about.

      Delete
  14. Oh John camping is fun, go borrow a tent stick it in your field beside the sheep, build a campfire to cremate baked potatoes n roast marshmallows. Look up at the stars and listen to nature!.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Get on that list as soon as possible. You must go to the Tower and Albert Hall. Such history in your country....I live in Kansas and I have been. Make a fire and sleep in a tent even if it's in your own back yard. As for the crying? Believe me it will eventually come...I don't remember any I love you's....

    ReplyDelete
  16. You almost sound... sheltered. Do a protest, go to a rally, take a dump by a log in the stillness of the forest, and above all... eat oysters... raw.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol...love the way you pulled your punch by saying sheltered

      Delete
  17. Looks like you are prepared to cross Dickens off your list so there's one...what's next? Crying at funerals......no........I can't do that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You really should read Dickens, Chekhov and Proust. They'll all three give you a much greater understanding of the human condition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with you on Dickens and Proust, and though I've never actually 'read' Chekhov I've seen enough of his plays to know what an intrinsic and pleasurable part of the human condition it is to yawn.

      Delete
    2. I put the proust reference in just for you bel

      Delete
  19. I hope you enjoy your jury service and actually get to be chosen for a jury or two. Many people are called up and never get to do the job. In North Wales, I guess that the majority of cases concern ovine bestiality.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I was desperate once . . . and scurried off into the woods in my mini skirt . . . not a fun scene . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thought of a mini skirt makes the whole thing funnier somehow

      Delete
  21. I'm glad you are going to read Dickens, David Copperfield is my favourite.I don't cry at funerals even my parents funerals saw me dry eyed,but I wept when I found a clean Costa coffee napkin in my mothers mac pocket that she had put there the day before she died.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes......it would have made me weep too

      Delete
  22. I have been to the Albert Hall, Tussauds and the Tower of London, I have been Blackpool Tower, but not to dance. I have slept in a tent with all the attendant discomforts. I have been naked in public, I have read lots of Dickens and some Chekhov but no Proust.
    I don't cry a funerals but do at weddings.
    I have never been involved in a fight but was attacked at my MIL's funeral.
    I have eaten haggis and oysters but I'm not keen on oysters I always think they taste line a mouthful of cold snot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tell us more about the naked bit.......

      Delete
    2. Well I say naked, I was wearing high heels does that still count?

      Delete
    3. Spill the beans

      Delete
  23. You've rather taken the wind out of the sails by this post, J.G. For some years I've been toying with the idea of making a list on my own blog of things I've never done, except that it would include one lie. I can still do one, of course, but you've rather beaten me to it - at least on the basic list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean you can sleep in a tent Ray?

      Delete
    2. Its not copywrited raymondo

      Delete
    3. Don't take me there, Y.P. Waking up with a spider crawling over ones face is enough to make one think twice about repeating the experience.

      I'll give it serious thought, J.G.

      Delete
  24. You're not missing much with the whole tent thing. I'm sorry about the fact that your parents were not outwardly loving. Some families just aren't. I attended a funeral yesterday for a young woman and cried on and off for hours. It was one of the hardest funerals I have attended and unfortunately I've been to far too many. My tears were for her parents and their pain and a life cut far too short. -Jenn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having a shit in the woods sounds like purgatory

      Delete
    2. Only if you don't have toilet paper, John.

      Delete
  25. When I began reading your list, John, I began to think about all that you have done and still do. That other list seems pretty full of accomplishments that few of us will ever approach.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its a game I like to play from time to time frances....it doesnt mean i am twarted just musing

      Delete
    2. Musing can be fun.

      Delete
  26. As one 'foodie' to another I recommend that you try haggis! Served with 'neeps and tatties' and a whisky sauce it's blissful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fashion it like a scotch egg and you have a deal

      Delete
    2. Haggis is faggots turned up to 11. Serve with 'bashed neeps' for best effect. Awesome.

      Delete
  27. better get busy then.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Excuse me John but I do remember you getting 'called short' before when you were out in the great outdoors. Or does it only count in your book if you do 'it' intentionally ? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was a shit behind a stone wall and i was on a walk so it doesnt count

      Delete
  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I don't cry at funerals either, but I once had an attack of the giggles. It was awful, but I buried my face in a hankie, and kept my head down, hoping people would think it was grief. I was told by someone that it was a release of tension, which others did by crying. I think it was because of the large woman at the front of the church wearing a hat that looked like a pork pie with a feather in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have never giggled
      I did get rather cross at the vicar once

      Delete
  31. You're still a young man, John, there's time to do many things on that list if you apply yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I've never danced on a bar. Naked or otherwise. Is it too late?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you have tits down to your knees its not too late

      Delete
  33. That was very poetic and see all the responses! I always cry at weddings. Camping is overrated and dancing in a bar is iffy cause you never know how it's going to turn out. My son would only poop outside one whole summer and into the autumn, till it got too cold out and the leaves got too crunchy. No idea why... My public nudity all happened as a child except for the few occasions of midnight skinny dipping as a teen, those were quite thrilling events! One of my most precious memories is waltzing madly with my sister at an October fest in Boulder Colorado.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Give me a 5 star toilet in a posh hotel anyday!

    ReplyDelete
  35. You have lived an extremely sheltered life, but then you don't have any scars I suppose. I am sure you have had many experiences that I have not had so I will never think any less of you. No Dickens? Really?

    ReplyDelete
  36. I've never danced with my husband. Not even on wedding day. Been married 37 years. I don't know why. It just never happened. What the hell is neeps and tatties? I know what haggis is.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I was a pregnant 25 year old when my father died. I bawled like a baby. Seems every funeral brings back that day and I can't help crying. I have given up going to funerals.
    You have led a sheltered life, John. You're still young enough to kick it up a notch, but I'm with you on the oysters.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Just like Ray (and of course yourself) this is similar to a post I was thinking about recently...maybe we are all subconsciously thinking about our mortality a little and wondering about what we have and haven't done? x

    ReplyDelete
  39. Not cry at a funeral? I can't even buy a sympathy card without tears.

    Sleeping in a tent and reading Dickens are two things I hope to never do again!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I think this might be my big year-lots on the list. Observing the total eclipse of the sun is one.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was once on the jury of a murder trial. Were it to be turned into a play or movie I think it might be called Ten Confused People (it was a mixed group gender-wise, I think the women slightly outnumbered the men.)It would probably work better as a comedy than a drama. We got so tired of discussing the case at one point, we started talking about what was on TV the night before! After two and a half days (we were allowed to go home every night) we found the accused not guilty. Afterwards, the bailiff told us we made the right decision (the guy had passed a lie detector test, a fact not allowed in court), which made me feel good.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ok that was fun right up until the parents bit. There's no excuse for that behaviour on their part. You have done a tremendous job on the love front all by yourself!

    I have never been to Rome. Definitely happening before I croak. Pooping alfresco is completely overrated!

    ReplyDelete
  43. I cry at funerals on tv .. I have only been to 2 funerals and those were very close to me so I did cry long and hard.

    Even monsters like Disney movies ?
    Maybe he liked the Burning of Atlanta part of GWTW.
    I have managed to never be naked in public. for any reason.

    I was called to Jury Duty and got out of it because the trial was for a crime that was very similar to something that had happened to me ... I was not able to be partial ... I didn't want to be on any jury either.







    Yes, I have never cried at a funeral.
    I have never found myself naked in pubic either, which, when you think of it , is more or less the same thing!
    .

    I have never eaten Haggis or oysters !

    Me either .... gag gag !!!

    Or ever had fight in the street.
    and I have never once been on a protest march and waved a suitably ribald placard at the authorities!

    I grew up in the South, demos and rabble were frowned upon .
    lol

    I have never slept in a tent or had a shit in the woods

    I slept in a tent and I left nothing in the woods. nothing at all.
    Everything stops working when I am not in a modern bathroom with toilet paper and a lock on the door.

    And I have not seen a hedgehog close up since I was 13!

    I saw one once .. adorable.

    I have never read Dickens, Proust or Chekhov

    I read Dickens.

    I have never been to Madame Tussauds, The Tower Of London or The Royal Albert Hall.

    Concert at the Royal Albert Hall :) wonderful fabulous ...

    And have never waltzed with gay abandon on the sprung floor of the Blackpool dance ballroom!

    When you do, I want to be there to see it !!!!


    I never said " I love you" to my parents. And I never heard them utter the phrase back to me

    We all said it to each other all the time, every day .. same with my husband and children .. we never say goodbye without saying I love you .. that is the important one for me.

    And I have never cried at a funeral!

    I cry at a funeral on tv. I am a crier.

    ReplyDelete
  44. https://youtu.be/jD8tjhVO1Tc

    this made me cry too :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. I did not know that about Hitler, I've never been to the Royal Albert or Madame Tussauds, but the rest, I've managed, although sometimes through clenched teeth...

    ReplyDelete
  46. I've never watched Gone With The Wind. And I've never taken a selfie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have lost count of how many times I have seen Gone With the Wind

      I grew up in NC :)

      Delete
  47. Camping is voluntary homelessness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes it is! Except you can enjoy it because there is a home waiting...I can deal with the bag and tent etc but the shower/bath part is tricky.

      Delete
  48. I have a fresh Haggis being flown over from the UK this weekend. I shall collect it from the airport on Saturday morning accompanied by my son and two grandsons.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Is skinny dipping being nude in public ? In which case yes I've been nude in public.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Naked in pubic? Isn't that redundant?

    I cried at my grandmother's funeral, and I've been to the Tower and to Royal Albert Hall, and I've read "A Tale of Two Cities." But I'm sure I haven't seen half of the real-life drama you've witnessed working as a nurse. I've TASTED haggis, but I wouldn't say I've full-on eaten it!

    ReplyDelete
  51. I flashed my girl parts to a bus driver (but I was 5) and I rode motorcycles with Steve McQueen but pooping in the forest is way over-rated....don't bother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU RODE WHAT WITH WHO. ..??????
      Omg you rode with MCQUEEN, !!!!!!!

      Delete
  52. It broke my heart when my husband finally said "I love you" to his parents and their response was "Uh-huh". Why was an "I love you too" so hard to say to ones children? Or ones parents?

    ReplyDelete
  53. You've got time to do most of it, pitching a tnt in the field and running over there naked would be a start ...well it would be safe to do it while the geese are still away 😉

    ReplyDelete
  54. I have read dickens, oysters raw fried and steamed, steamed is best. Have shit in the woods, slept in a tent, hit an alligator on the head with a paddle to get him away from my canoe...and ridden in a 56 T-bird converible, red no less stark naked up ushighway 75 from tampa to gainesville. Very liberating and at a time when my figure was worth viewing.
    John you must really get out more.....

    ReplyDelete
  55. I was forced to read Dickens,(never read the other two, but I have heard of them)Have been punched on the street, ate a bad oyster and became violently ill,(Haggis is just a no) told my Dad I love him and meant it, told my Mom "I love you", but it felt forced. I have slept in too many tents and have successfully avoided jury duty. I have been topless once in the forest and felt horribly uncomfortable. I came down the stairs naked in my own house and somehow the neighbors managed to see me(sigh)I have pee'd outside, but managed to pee all over myself and I shit my pants once when I was 4 and still have not gotten over it. Been to Mme. Tussaud's,the Tower and walked past the Albert Hall. Went to two protests and even had a cardboard sign. Ended up with a sunburn. Dancing? Only when drunk. I have cried at nearly every funeral. Not at the one for my Mother-in-law and brother-in-law, though. They shared a funeral. She actually sort of gate crashed his funeral. Typical.
    It would actually be pretty easy to cross off all of those things in one day at the next funeral you attend(unless, of course, your parents are deceased, in which case you have my sincere condolence)

    ReplyDelete
  56. the womb and that this was extended via the mother's milk. However, it was discovered that the milk contained no antibodies as such, http://www.strongtesterone.com/alpha-x-boost/

    ReplyDelete
  57. I've slept in a tent, cried at a funeral, told my parents I love you and heard it back, and loved Madame Tussaud's as a 14 year old. But the rest, which is most of your list, escaped me too.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments and will now try very hard to reply to all of them
Please dont be abusive x