Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Mind The Gap

I have just experienced a rather embarrassing incident in Marks and Spencers

Had just collected some items ( small packet of cocktail sausages, one packet of crab sticks, a reduced calorie pasta bake in tomato sauce  and a small loaf) and was approaching the self service tills when I had to negotiate a man in a wheelchair who was part blocking the entrance.
The man ( who was a bilateral amputee) was arranging some his shopping on his stumps as his wife bagged up the rest, so thinking I was slinkier than I am, I squeezed past to go to the free till beyond.
However ( and there's always a fucking however) the pocket of my trackie bottoms caught on the right handle of his wheelchair and as I swept past I spun him around like baby in one of those walkers on wheels.
Now bilateral amputees by very nature of their surgery remain rather top heavy, so it was only by pure luck that his wife managed to catch him as he almost bounced over the side of the chair, dropping a box of eclairs and various "meal deal for 10  pounds items" onto the floor.
Still attached to the wheelchair, I did that strange half hopping,half falling thing,as rather too much arse buttock was revealed to the good shoppers of Prestatyn before my elasticated waist twanged back into place with a loud " SNAP" and I shouted out a rather strange expletive of " Hell's Teeth"

The apologies were just about as embarrassing as the event
Halloween is over, the animals race to eat the pumpkin's insides



59 comments:

  1. Why is it these things always involve you bearing your arse?

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    1. Its been at least six months since i last flashed

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    2. There was a twanging event with your arse in Wautose recently

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    3. That was at the prof's hand

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    4. I have heard of baring an arse but not bearing one. To do that you would have to slice off your arse and slap it on a tray.

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    5. OK, smart-arse, I got it wrong, alright? There should be some arse-barring around here. And where, pray, is 'Wautrose'? Germany? Jesus F. Christ.

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    6. With a name like Yorkshire Pudding, I would have thought that you were condemned to bear your own arse on a daily basis - like drag it down the street behind you?

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  2. Oh my dear John Gray. Not a shining moment but these things happen.
    Frequently, in your case, it would seem.

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  3. Some mother's do ave em... but assaulting disabled people in wheelchairs is just not very nice.

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  4. I love the beautiful English bulldog and black cute cat on the right your header is amazing cute faces of hens and your profile photo touched me the most! Your little fur baby looks so innocent and adorable sitting in that pot lol! Thank you so much for sharing this with us.. :-) Have a lovely day! Visit me whenever you have time www.its-dominica.blogspot.co.uk kisses Dominica! xXx

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  5. .... and this is why I would never go shopping with you if you asked ;-)

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    1. No, you have to go and keep your phone ready to get this on video.

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  6. A day spent with you must be a laugh a minute! You're a tonic, John.

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  7. You will never know how much I needed that laugh. Thank you.

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  8. Oh, my dear, how dreadfully embarrassing for you! Red cheeks, I dare say...

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  9. I'd say you are jinxed, John. Wow - the drama around you. You may need to wear a warning sign.

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  10. O. My. Gawd. I am laughing hysterically & horrified for you both at the same time.

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  11. Oh John - you really do get into some scrapes.
    I shall now go outside and put my two pumpkins (his and hers) out for the hens - I never thought of that.

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  12. HELLS TEETH....that was a good morning laugh. Now I'll start my day with a smile.

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  13. Godfrey Daniel! Your unfortunate occurence reminds me of W.C. Fields in "The Gift" when he tried to prevent the blind/deaf Mr. Muckle from destroying his store.

    https://youtu.be/e5AjSGrZbxw

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  14. My daily chuckle. What would I do without you and your indiscretions?

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  15. Well, the couple will have a story to tell. )ver the years, in their household, you will become a myth of historic proportions-possibly used to scare small children who will be forever terrified to go into M and S.

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  16. Oh no, that sounds like something I would do. I recently walked out on the front porch and my shorts flew down to my ankles. I was furtively looking around as I pulled them up.

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    1. My grandmother used to tell a story of war time rationing and poor quality underwear elastic. Her knickers just dropped to the ground as she walked along the street one day so she stepped out of them and kept walking!

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  17. Oh god, how mortifying .. I think I would never step foot in that store again ... I might even move out of town LOL
    Things like this devastate me, especially now without my husband to make me laugh at it all.
    I am just happy the poor man in the wheelchair didn't fall out ... on top of you ... with his wife tripping to catch him and landing on top of him, on top of you .. on the floor of Marks and Spencers ... where a news photographer would catch it all on film.

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  18. oh my god, i'm sorry, how awful. But I love 'hells teeth' and I think I'll have to start using that.

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  19. seriously John, you set these up don't you.

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  20. Were the couple gracious in their acceptance of your apology or did they look disparagingly at your arse and sneer? x

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  21. Lesson learned Tubs ! X

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  22. That's why it pays to go to M&S (and self check outs), John. The potential is amazing.

    You are not the only one to embarrass yourself. Not that that is any comfort. Naturally, if you were me, you'd never be embarrassed by anything. Neither does my attire give any leverage for any of my body parts to be exposed. However, do beware of scarves. You may find yourself strangled (unintentionally).

    U

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  23. Whenever an incident like this occurs with you, I make my husband read the blog post. He gets a huge kick out of your adventures! :)

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  24. Poor John, I'm sure they will laugh about it later (unlike the handicapped young woman I was trying to open the door for when I knocked off her glasses and the lenses fell out.)

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  25. I feel badly for both you and the couple. Not badly enough to keep a straight face, mind you ...

    Your superpower is your ability to describe things so well we feel we saw and heard everything, John. EVERYTHING.

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  26. Oh dear John, what a disaster - are you banned from M&S now?
    Maybe it's a wake-up call to go back to Fat Club....

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  27. John who would shout out 'Hells Teeth' apart from you?!!! I can picture the scene so vividly - in slow motion and the chair spinning around attached to your trackie bottoms! Why don't you get yourself a nice pair of trousers with a zip or buttons? You seem to get into bother when wearing tracksuit bottoms! I am laughing at your situation in M & S but I do feel your pain. x

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  28. If only they knew how lovely you are normally x

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  29. You never disappoint! Hell's teeth!

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  30. I pictured the whole thing... and it was perfect. You are a treasure. -Jenn

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  31. Hell's teeth was my grandmother's curse of choice. Nice to "hear" it again.

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  32. It says in the good book to turn the other cheek which you did. Well done that man.

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  33. oh boy. That was excruciating!

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  34. You should just have business cards printed that give your blog information so that you can hand one out when these 'things' happen!

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  35. I read this entry right after lunch today; I almost peed myself laughing!

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  36. Bless your heart! I feel for all involved but I did snicker a little too.

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  37. It's weird. My chooks won't eat pumpkin, not even the seeds.

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  38. The flesh from my Pumpkin goes into the freezer. Great for soups.

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  39. Honestly, you just can't stop arsing around, can you? :-)

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  40. Thanks once again for such a laugh, we needed that. Had to call Tom in to read it.
    Briony
    x

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  41. Laughing. . . OUT LOUD!
    BTW. . . Meg and George on the right, DELIGHTFUL!

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  42. Sat here now looking like an extra from thriller with mascara down my face from crying laughing, much needed laugh of the day.

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  43. Oh my word!! I almost pee'd...........

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  44. Totally brilliant! Having an enormous arse myself, I can truly sympathise. I have been known to bend down in Tesco and twat a small child across the aisle with mine.

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  45. Oh, John! Thanks for the laugh!

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  46. At Parents' Evening, I was told sternly that my six-year-old was using inappropriate language, because he'd said "What the heck?" when asked to do something in PE. Now I'm tempted to get him started on 'Hell's teeth" instead.

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